Currently only my memories are keeping me alive and it's hard to say goodbye to them.

[Motoko]

Does anyone feel like this too?

I had some traumas in the past. I didn't have the best childhood. But still, the memories I have from the past are much better than the current life.
I'm so nostalgic about my childhood. The first 13 years of life wasn't that bad. I recall the good old days almost everyday. I'm watching some random 2005 tv commercials on youtube, I go out for a walks to visit the old places, etc.

This is for me the hardest part. Knowing that once you're gone, you're gone forever, together with your memories.

Sometimes I feel grief when I recall some bad situations from my childhood, but for the most part my brain plays tricks on me and I keep thinking about good stuff from the past.

How do you feel about this? Is nostalgia also holding you here on this planet?

 

[Iamtired]

Yes. And my
Partner. But I am too unstable and sad to be in this anymore for long.

 

[unabletocope]

I'm caught in some things like that too a little bit. I think I've hit the point where life is trying to snap me into the present and think about the future to such an extent that it is helping me get to a point where I will kill myself, I worked with a therapist through the pandemic who did nothing but tell me to bury all of this as the past is the past never to be repeated. How damaging his pressure was. I hope you find your past easier to work through mine, maybe there is still hope for you

 

[koruznikov]

I understand. I also always look in the past, you could say I'm living in the past and not present.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I tend to exist in a twilight zone of memories of a brief period in my life where I was genuinely happy. I'm kind of stuck there, because facing reality of life as it is makes me utterly incapable of functioning (yay major depressive disorder). I think I have maladaptive daydreaming disorder - either that or I'm disassociative. I go through cycles of both. Then I have rare periods where I do face the truth of reality and those brief moments I break down so much and have the strength to combat SI. However they often result in unplanned and stupid desperate attempts to die which don't work (least, haven't yet).

 

[ArgentApricot]

I was talking to a friend half an hour ago, and i wanted to make a post about this too.
I miss the days i could sit in my chair and play halo all day, or lie in bed and binge anime at any moment i wasn't in school.

I'm pouring money into specialized mental healthcare because i could only reason that the capacity to feel good is still somewhere within me.
it's more the promises i made to some people after my last attempt and some loose ends keeping me here for now, but for the last 6 years or so it has mostly been nostalgia and past happiness tying me to life.

But honestly I've lost hope and I'm very actively making preparations.

 

[tbroken]

I was talking to a friend half an hour ago, and i wanted to make a post about this too.
I miss the days i could sit in my chair and play halo all day, or lie in bed and binge anime at any moment i wasn't in school.

I'm pouring money into specialized mental healthcare because i could only reason that the capacity to feel good is still somewhere within me.
it's more the promises i made to some people after my last attempt and some loose ends keeping me here for now, but for the last 6 years or so it has mostly been nostalgia and past happiness tying me to life.

But honestly I've lost hope and I'm very actively making preparations.

Same here. But the problem is that for what happened to me I had to be more than the mess i am now.
I'm too paranoid and for very good reasons: abandonment, physical and mental injuries, i need to have control over my life.
My mind see risks and bad things in everything, that's why i have to master things and feel safe, otherwise i wont move from my bed; the point is that when i fail to master things or feel unsafe, for whichever reason, i go again in insane paranoia and it is really difficult for me to regain the control I hardly built. Still my SN preparation is 80% ready.

 

[ArgentApricot]

Same here. But the problem is that for what happened to me I had to be more than the mess i am now.
I'm too paranoid and for very good reasons: abandonment, physical and mental injuries, i need to have control over my life.
My mind see risks and bad things in everything, that's why i have to master things and feel safe, otherwise i wont move from my bed; the point is that when i fail to master things or feel unsafe, for whichever reason, i go again in insane paranoia and it is really difficult for me to regain the control I hardly built. Still my SN preparation is 80% ready.

I'm beginning to understand how you feel, i voluntarily committed myself to a suicide ward(with a lot of freedoms and concessions for me at the intake) last month because my friends wouldn't leave me alone, they were with me 24/7. i'm a very autonomous person and while i never feel the need to control others, youth trauma has caused me to be extremely independent and now that i had a taste of my freedom/control being taken away in any capacity, i know how humiliating and excruciating it feels. if i fuck up again, the next time won't be voluntary. this has led me to socially isolate myself. There are certain people that i trust whom are still in my life, but i can't depend on their emotional stability when my time to CTB comes. the not-unwarranted paranoia is quite literally destroying what life i have left.

I hope you'll be safe, and try your very hardest to take a step back when you have to make drastic decisions, or try find distraction when you feel you can't.

 

[Kit1]

I want to die because I cannot get away from.the memories of my past.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Does anyone feel like this too?

I had some traumas in the past. I didn't have the best childhood. But still, the memories I have from the past are much better than the current life.
I'm so nostalgic about my childhood. The first 13 years of life wasn't that bad. I recall the good old days almost everyday. I'm watching some random 2005 tv commercials on youtube, I go out for a walks to visit the old places, etc.

This is for me the hardest part. Knowing that once you're gone, you're gone forever, together with your memories.

Sometimes I feel grief when I recall some bad situations from my childhood, but for the most part my brain plays tricks on me and I keep thinking about good stuff from the past.

How do you feel about this? Is nostalgia also holding you here on this planet?

This is exactly what I feel like I only live for my memories of childhood and teenage years and look at nostalgic stuff often and why wouldn´t I the future (last past 10+ years) has brought me nothing but suffering so naturally I would look back at a time before physical and mental illnesses ruined my life. I have made tons of threads about childhood and nostalgia in case you´re interested in reading like-minded threads about those amazing times.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/search/1576963/?q=childhood&c[title_only]=1&c[users]=TheGoodGuy&o=relevance

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/search/1576971/?q=nostalgia&c[title_only]=1&c[users]=TheGoodGuy&o=relevance

I tend to exist in a twilight zone of memories of a brief period in my life where I was genuinely happy. I'm kind of stuck there, because facing reality of life as it is makes me utterly incapable of functioning (yay major depressive disorder). I think I have maladaptive daydreaming disorder - either that or I'm disassociative. I go through cycles of both. Then I have rare periods where I do face the truth of reality and those brief moments I break down so much and have the strength to combat SI. However they often result in unplanned and stupid desperate attempts to die which don't work (least, haven't yet).

That is very interesting describing it like a twilight zone of memories I do the same thing and I never heard of "maladaptive daydreaming disorder" before but it seems to describe me pretty damn well.

If I day dream about the right scenario it can get me high on dopamine almost like if I was in the real situation and it can be addictive like dreaming of impressing a big a lot of people while singing amazingly (which I don´t) from a big stage it can give me the rush of confidence like if I was actually doing it if it makes any sense? But most of the times it´s memories and nostalgia I day dream about.

 

[tbroken]

I'm beginning to understand how you feel, i voluntarily committed myself to a suicide ward(with a lot of freedoms and concessions for me at the intake) last month because my friends wouldn't leave me alone, they were with me 24/7. i'm a very autonomous person and while i never feel the need to control others, youth trauma has caused me to be extremely independent and now that i had a taste of my freedom/control being taken away in any capacity, i know how humiliating and excruciating it feels. if i fuck up again, the next time won't be voluntary. this has led me to socially isolate myself. There are certain people that i trust whom are still in my life, but i can't depend on their emotional stability when my time to CTB comes. the not-unwarranted paranoia is quite literally destroying what life i have left.

I hope you'll be safe, and try your very hardest to take a step back when you have to make drastic decisions, or try find distraction when you feel you can't.

It is the same for me and i also thought it would have been a good thing. I think, even in disgrace, i could act somewhat differently when i was young. But i was scared, ignorant(society, life and medicine wise) and i did not have the full picture of things to make different choices, so i just sticked with the independence/isolation way. It gave some fruits, but it also gave a lot of stress and misunderstandings with other ppl.
I know deep in my self that i could be someone else and i could give ppl something better and genuine, but life, my mind, things just, did not go that way.

 

[ArgentApricot]

I know deep in my self that i could be someone else and i could give ppl something better and genuine, but life, my mind, things just, did not go that way.

I broke off contact with the love of my life over this. a lot of people really like me for some reason, i have so many amazing people around me, but i feel as though i've had nothing to offer them. i pretended i did for a really long time, but my reciprocation never felt genuine, maybe that's just a low self image/impostor syndrome. But especially now that the cat's out of the bag, they know my smiles and enjoyment are fake. this is just the way it went. i have nothing to offer anyone, I'm just me trying to end me and the ones sticking with me know that they're in the way of that.

I don't know if you feel the same way, but looking back at everything, i don't think i would've done much different, maybe gotten therapy and antidepressants much earlier when it had some hope of working, but that's it.

 

[thealteredmind]

oh yeah I totally get it.
My depression just grew and grew and grew with each year. also got new symptoms with time.

a couple years ago I didn't have insomnia. my sleep was starting to suffer yes... but I was very ok. depressed... yes... but with spirit to carry me on.
when I was 20 I was a lot more alive than today. still depressed yes, of course... but I was doing a lot more than today and was able to go out at night and things like that.

and even then... at 14 was even better... my mood was so much brighter I was cracking jokes all the time.

it makes me sad actually... nostalgic but sad. because depression really destroyed everything.