porhtna
bad rng.
- Dec 1, 2021
- 43
I haven't been on here for a while. life has been going okay, I found someone I love, and I have been able to see a future for myself. Not always happy, but I'm not thinking about suicide every day anymore. A friend of mine committed suicide recently, and it hit way harder than I could ever imagine. I was so shocked to the point where I was emotionally and mentally paralyzed for a long time. Right now I'm still very depressed, not just because of grief, but hopelessness and depression in general. My life, work, and study have all been deteriorating as well. i am ungodly behind on everything, and I don't know when or if I can get my life back on track. I am more suicidal than I have ever been in about a year, but now I can't stop but think about how cruel it would be for the people in my life if I ctb. I fully respect my friend's decision, and I'm still fully pro-choice, but knowing someone who you were close to is suddenly gone from your life forever is way more painful than I thought. I was not in a good mental space even before it happened, and right now I am drowned in despair. I feel like I'm not at a point as low as when I made this account over two years ago, because part of me still believe I can pull my life together, and that it will pass. But right now I have no idea how to pull myself together, or how to make it pass.
