per_aspera_ad_astra
Member
- Oct 29, 2019
- 36
I've noticed these past few years that my ability to feel emotionally invested in things/people has slowly declined, and it's fairly amplified right now as I'm experiencing suicidal urges. I've had issues with clinical depression my whole life so I'm no stranger to emotional dysfunction, but it feels like there's somehow a part of my brain that's atrophied over these years of constant mental health issues. The thing is, it's not impossible for me to feel emotional investment, it just tends to happen in very specific and limited (meaning unlikely to result in fulfillment) circumstances. Romantic fixation/limerence is a big one, which is probably a result of my OCD (constant obsessive thoughts I can't turn off no matter what) and my BPD-Schizoid-Schizotypal personality disorder combo is probably the main factor in this (obsessive fixation on a specific person + no other close relationships in my life + difficulty in socializing and forming relationships with others is a pretty damning mixture), so it's also one of the only things that makes me feel "happiness" (along with drugs).
This is obviously unsustainable and will lock me into an unhappy life given my various maladjustments, but I have no idea how to combat this. Therapy hasn't showed me anything I haven't come across and tried before, and no amount of socializing or attempts to form deep relationships with others or finding fulfilling hobbies or determining my core values ever replaces the obsessions (only the transferral of these feelings onto another person seems to relieve it a bit, but the agony will eventually come back). I've been looking into methods to induce full-scale emotional suppression as the only solution, which I guess is only possible through some type of brain damage (I've been considering various drugs to abuse that might induce this), but even this might not work with how annoyingly persistent the brain's emotional memory formation system is.
I'm running out of patience and starting to think death is the only escape for me, and since I'm currently acutely suicidal I would need something very drastic and immediate to change in my brain. Is there anything I can do?
This is obviously unsustainable and will lock me into an unhappy life given my various maladjustments, but I have no idea how to combat this. Therapy hasn't showed me anything I haven't come across and tried before, and no amount of socializing or attempts to form deep relationships with others or finding fulfilling hobbies or determining my core values ever replaces the obsessions (only the transferral of these feelings onto another person seems to relieve it a bit, but the agony will eventually come back). I've been looking into methods to induce full-scale emotional suppression as the only solution, which I guess is only possible through some type of brain damage (I've been considering various drugs to abuse that might induce this), but even this might not work with how annoyingly persistent the brain's emotional memory formation system is.
I'm running out of patience and starting to think death is the only escape for me, and since I'm currently acutely suicidal I would need something very drastic and immediate to change in my brain. Is there anything I can do?
