Living and trying to fix your shit with BPD

[Wheredidmysanitygo]

Hello everyone. It's been some time since my last post.
So after my "attempt" i ended up hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD, which brought some closure as to why i'm such an emotional mess. It's been over a month now. I was on meds for a few weeks but i dropped them out of fear of remaining an emotional vegetable. Started smoking pot and hanging out with friends, which seemed to help and thought i was already over with that shitty breakup until... i matched with her on tinder and ended up meeting and becoming quite close for a couple of days. All of this whilst knowing that it won't last. That i'd be simply thrown away afterwards, which ended up happening. I knew there was no hope, but still ended up raising expectations instead of enjoying those two days of bittersweet "bliss". I've believe i've been sort of used. I feel played even though i knew what i was getting into. It's been a few days now and she's living in my mind rent free. She has invaded my conscious mind again and cut me off deliberately. I don't know what to do. Been smoking weed non stop in an attempt to cut off the emotions and overthinking but it isn't doing shit (no shit xD). Been in a constant state of anxiety and my brain just won't give up hope. It's borderline obsessive and i feel like a pathetic creep with no self respect. I'm in a stage of my life where i should entirely forget about any potential partners and focus on fixing my shit (of which there's plenty), but i'm paralyzed by the thoughts and emotions. How do i deal with rejection and humiliation? I feel so low. I've never had high self esteem, but the way i am right now... my self worth is basically non existant. I look at the mirror and all i see is vanity. This is especially apparent when i subconsciously compare myself to her. She has everything. Looks, talent, popularity (some tiktok celebrity here xd) meanwhile i'm in ruins. Going to work to another country with a couple of friends soon with the hope of stabilizing my life and moving on, but if this stays as it is i'm afraid i'm gonna go of the rails and start binge drinking and consuming other substances and end up worse off. All i want i a fresh page. To delete any leftover attachment from my mind. I've been in this cycle of getting stuck over someone for ages now and it has only brought addiction, depression and stagnation. I just need a year of two for myself. To get my shit together and look for someone when i'm worthy and ready. Fuck BPD, fuck god or evolution for making us suffer excessively over someone who only sees us as a form of entertainment. Fuck arrogant exes who exploit love just for a laugh, fuck this constant desire to be appreciated and loved. I think i need a lobotomy because i'm so fed up with my bullshit emotions. How do i summon the strength to let go and focus on other potential pleasures life has to offer?
I'm just venting off at this point, not expecting any answers for these questions, because i know these problems are rather universal and potentially impossible to resolve.
I just wish life wasn't such a constant mess because someone else starts a fire in your mind and leaves you to burn in agony.
Sorry for the lenghty post. I needed to get it of my chest.

 

[timf]

Dulling the pain with pot is not a long term strategy that will be effective. The pain originates from the combination of speculation of what might have been with the reality of what has been lost. As long as there is a continuation of the speculation, there will be the pain of loss.

At some point an action greater than "letting go" may be needed. You may have to allow yourself to get angry or otherwise be motivated to edit your mental construct so that you do not carry around a mental image of "paradise lost".

If you can cultivate some criticism, you may be able to see some benefit in the failure (or perhaps escape) from a situation that would never have lasted and might have ultimately caused even greater pain. This change in perspective may be what is needed to finalize the grief period and move on to a period of self-reflection that would include learning to be better in making selections as well as working on what changes to yourself would attract better prospects.

 

[WornOutLife]

BPD is certainly no fairy tale.
I'm dealing with bipolar disorder type I everyday and it also sucks.
Mmmm, do you think the meds were really gonna scew you up? Mine are really helping me!

Anyway, you can things sort out and keep on recovering!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Wheredidmysanitygo]

Dulling the pain with pot is not a long term strategy that will be effective. The pain originates from the combination of speculation of what might have been with the reality of what has been lost. As long as there is a continuation of the speculation, there will be the pain of loss.

At some point an action greater than "letting go" may be needed. You may have to allow yourself to get angry or otherwise be motivated to edit your mental construct so that you do not carry around a mental image of "paradise lost".

If you can cultivate some criticism, you may be able to see some benefit in the failure (or perhaps escape) from a situation that would never have lasted and might have ultimately caused even greater pain. This change in perspective may be what is needed to finalize the grief period and move on to a period of self-reflection that would include learning to be better in making selections as well as working on what changes to yourself would attract better prospects.

That's actually pretty good advice. Thank you.

BPD is certainly no fairy tale.
I'm dealing with bipolar disorder type I everyday and it also sucks.
Mmmm, do you think the meds were really gonna scew you up? Mine are really helping me!

Anyway, you can things sort out and keep on recovering!

Hugs and love,

Matt

Bipolar must be just as hard if not harder to cope with.
I have a certain fear for the meds. The thought of having my dopamine receptors blocked is enough to make me fear them. Took them this morning tho because i feel hopeless atm.