n e e d y

[N33dT0D13]

A constant source of suicidal ideation for me is my own neediness and it's been flaring up like mad lately. My best friend "ignored" one of my messages however many days ago and I've been avoiding all of my online friends since. I am just beyond fucking SICK of feeling like the one who cares more in every single goddamn friendship and relationship, even though I can recognize that it isn't very caring of me to isolate when he's said numerous times that he'd prefer I vent to him than isolate as he worries for me. He didn't even ignore the damn message, he didn't see it at the time and he responded to it later but even the response felt cursory, obligatory, and that triggered my "why even comment" resentment because fuck, a sentence for a paragraph, why did I even bother bringing it up to him if he was gonna brush right past it??? Which isn't fair to him at all and this is why I'm isolating in the first place, he's patient and understanding and I don't wanna start shit by accusing him of anything so I'd rather just not exist. I'm tired of feeling like I need anything from anyone else, especially emotionally, it never has and never will go right. No one is going to coddle my dumb ass the way that I want them to because I'm not a baby, I'm a grown fucking adult and even as a kid no one cared what I was going through so why the hell would they start now... Which again is disrespectful to my best friend cuz he DOES care and yet I'm listening to my brain convince me that he doesn't when I know he does because I'm afraid that he shouldn't, that I'll take advantage and drain him like I drain everyone else before they leave, I don't know why he hasn't left and it terrifies me, he gets next to nothing out of interacting with me and I feel guilty for being such a cunt and a nightmare all the fucking time and it makes me sad knowing he probably wouldn't agree with any of this because I never open up about how resentful I feel towards literally everyone in my life because again it has never gone well and the few times I hinted at it with him he took it well but I don't wanna exhaust him with my bullshit...

He would be sad if he knew that I died or just never heard from me again but I'm terrified that we'll eventually drift apart as a direct result of my own rancid personality and actions. What even is the point of making friends? It only feels good until you realize it's temporary. Everyone only likes me until they get to know me. I'm a great acquaintance but a terrible friend. He knows me best rn but he doesn't know every evil little thought that swirls through my toilet of a mind and if he did he would... I can't speak for him, idk what he'd do but the notion terrifies me. Either he'd leave too and I'd see that my best friend who isn't like anyone else is actually like all the rest, or he stays and I feel worse because I don't deserve such a good friend when I'm this rotten. I wish I could just will myself dead, just fall over lifeless without a second thought, no effort, no signs of foul play, no judgment from the world over being mentally ill, it just looks like an accident so everyone can just accept that I'm gone and move on with their lives. Actually killing myself now feels like I'd have broken a promise to him. Maybe I can drink myself to death "on accident". I love him, not romantically or sexually but I always get too attached and this shit happens, I always want "forever", I always wanna be someone's favorite, their first choice, but he has a boyfriend and friends he's known longer and knows better so even if he calls me his best friend or one of his favorite people to talk to, he has others he'd likely pick first in the grand scheme of things and it's built on false pretenses anyway cuz he doesn't know how awful I am... I've been working myself up to contacting him for uhh a week??? I don't know how long it's been because fuck the inescapable passage of time right up it's non-existent conceptual asshole but, I wish I could just, spill everything, tell him I'm a terrible person and friend and that he deserves better than just separated from my physical body to float right down to hell where I belong and can't do any further damage to anyone on earth.

I don't even have a valid reason to be this sad, shit's been great IRL, I'm making "friends" (who undoubtedly would drop me the instant they saw so much as a glimpse of how demented I am), my financial situation is the best it's been in literal years, I'm just aimlessly bitching about my life like I always am and I want someone to beat me to death as brutally as possible, knock my fucking teeth out one by one, stomp my skull into the pavement, break all my bones, splatter my brains, so my outside can finally reflect my disgusting disordered inside. I feel guilty for inviting people into my life knowing it'll go wrong eventually.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I'm not surprised that friendships are like that. At first, they talk to us as if they are very interested in us until suddenly they put us aside, making us doubt if we did something wrong or if they are the ones who did something wrong.

Believe me, it has happened to me many times, you're not alone here.

In 2021, I met someone in an online video game who always appreciated me. He and I played daily and sometimes he told me about his life experiences. I also had the opportunity to talk to him about my problems due to my depression. However, over time, he made new friends and got a girlfriend, which made him leave me aside.
All of that made me feel worse than I already was and I was thinking about CTB. My mind was full of negative thoughts and I wanted to tell him that he was a bad friend, but at the same time, I was afraid that he would leave me because he was the only person I trusted. In the end, everything remained the same and I haven't talked to him because I gave up.

Some time later, I met a girl at college with whom I had a friendship. Everything seemed fine, but then I noticed that she never replied to my messages and usually ignored me at school because she wanted to be with her sister (who also studied there and who, by the way, hated me), which filled my mind with negative thoughts and I didn't know who was making a mistake.
This time everything went wrong because I couldn't stand my thoughts and dared to tell her that she was a bad friend for ignoring me all the time. On one hand, she denied making mistakes, but on the other hand, she understood a little and apologized, but it didn't help because in the end, we never talked again.

Friendships are things that we don't know whether to take them simply or in a complex way.
Sometimes friendships are to distract us from school or work, but they are also to be heard and understood. Unfortunately, we are all different and we have different ways of distinguishing between good or bad friendships.
I have seen people who don't like you to tell them your problems because they have so many problems that they don't want to fill themselves with other people's problems, while there are people who are more patient and like to listen to you and help you a little.

On the other hand, do you think you are getting bored with your friendship?
It is possible that boredom is a factor that makes you have those kinds of thoughts because new friendships can be pleasant but over time they become boring and maybe what you are looking for is something that gives you a little dopamine. Maybe it's not your case, but it's mine. I usually get bored too much because I have ADHD and I always look for sensations to keep myself alive. The bad thing is that my boredom has been the main factor of my depression, since sometimes nothing brings me pleasure.
Speaking of friendships, I am a person who does not like to have friends because I want to avoid the pain of being rejected, but at the same time, I get bored of being alone and sometimes I want to make friends. However, this cycle of boredom repeats itself when I have friends, since they stop being pleasant and I become a distant person to the point that I no longer have friends. I don't know what mental disorder you have, but what I say is only my opinion based on my experience. I hate having ADHD because I'm not able to enjoy life.

I don't know what advice to give you because this also happens to me. The only thing I can think of would be to limit your thoughts, but of course, it's not always good to leave them in our minds. By this I mean that if you are going to confess something, be aware of what you are going to say and say it respectfully to avoid problems or simply don't say anything and let everything flow normally.
Another thing you can consider would be to meet new people. Although, of course, you may meet hundreds and thousands of people and still feel like you don't connect with any of them.

 

[N33dT0D13]

they talk to us as if they are very interested in us until suddenly they put us aside, making us doubt if we did something wrong or if they are the ones who did something wrong.

I guess this is part of why I feel so guilty. Just about everyone else has done this to me* (*minus some who I admittedly was distant towards from the start because I was caught in my own bullshit at the time) but he's never done that as far as I can tell. Going on three years he's always seemed excited to hear from me. This is the one issue I've ever had with him is him not noticing messages and me feeling ignored. I guess I'm upset with him cuz I've brought it up before and he apologized and I'm annoyed with myself because I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but I'm still confused as to how he just straight up doesn't see the latest message from me which would be right fucking there but I don't know how it looks on his device tho I don't know which device it wouldn't be obviously visible on...

On the other hand, do you think you are getting bored with your friendship?
It is possible that boredom is a factor that makes you have those kinds of thoughts because new friendships can be pleasant but over time they become boring and maybe what you are looking for is something that gives you a little dopamine. Maybe it's not your case, but it's mine. I usually get bored too much because I have ADHD and I always look for sensations to keep myself alive.

...I'm annoyed at how much I relate to this lol

Autism (Aspie) ADHD OCD bipolar II and I genuinely feel the adhd fucks me the worst these days. I know how to cope with the ocd and the mood swings and hypomanic delusions from the bipolar and I feel the autism isn't a problem at all now that I kind of have IRL socialization down (other than autistic shutdown maybe but idk how much of it is shutdown and how much is just laziness or avoidance) but the executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria and plain boredom from the adhd keeps me spiralling.

I don't think it's happening with my best friend cuz we've been doing more stuff together and it felt amazing, it was the happiest and most secure I've felt in literal decades to have my favorite person also really enjoy spending time with me, be down to spend the entire day watching movies and cartoons with me, it's been my biggest dream for most of my life so I hate myself for constantly find ways to feel burned by the one person who has consistently been here for me

I kind of have 3.5 internet friends in mind rn, 1. my best friend of course who I adore and who has been great to me, which is also the reason why him not seeing my message felt like being stabbed in the heart, as melodramatic as that sounds

2. Another friend who is also an ex boyfriend who I am bored with and also annoyed with, he has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and to his credit has tried to take criticism lately but he can't hold a convo abt anything besides porn or his fav characters and I routinely feel unheard and ignored by him. He's confused by this believing that he "says what he needs to say" which I feel just proves a lot of my points about him but it's difficult trying to explain that. On the other hand, as awful and sadistic as this is of me, I value that he's the one person in my life who I can be openly nasty and mean towards and he won't stop talking to me, and I'm only mean to him when he keeps doing the shit that I've told him makes me feel bad or ignored or judged.

3. A guy who I'm not that close to but seems to be somewhat obsessed with me, less so lately as I've been very aloof towards him for a while. He admitted having a crush and I didn't mind but... I feel like I led him on? I was with my first ex, the one mentioned above, when talking to this guy, was upfront abt having a bf, he still flirted, was upfront with the bf (he's poly and I was exploring my first poly relationship I guess) and he didn't mind, had fun hanging out with the guy and flirted back at times cuz the validation felt nice and he wasn't pressing me to get into a relationship so I enjoyed flirting casually with someone I knew was attracted to me. After a while he... idk, I feel guilty for thinking he was calling or messaging too much after a point, I isolate on instinct when really down so he reached out, got my number from Telegram which I didn't know was a thing and it freaked me out but I ultimately didn't mind too much I guess, I just don't know what to do with him. I like talking metaphysical new agey shit with him but I'm increasingly uncomfy with the flirting tho to be fair to him, I haven't vocalized it.

And the .5, another obsessive sensitive nb who felt like a godsend at first but became so singlemindedly obsessed with a celebrity that they can no longer hold a convo abt anything else which frankly is fucking annoying and boring but I can't be open abt it cuz they're very sensitive (BPD) and would take it as me rejecting them as a whole so it's easier to just quietly detach and spare them the anguish. I was working on a bday present for them before dropping off the face of the earth but their bday was a while ago and motivation is empty.

Unrelatedly but was trying to reply for 40 fucking minutes on two different phones which were both being uncooperative and holy shit I wanted to throw them both against the wall then stomp on them so bad and I hate that safety mechanism in me that kept me from doing it, that keeps me from screaming at the top of my lungs and playing in traffic, I want to ruin my fucking life, I want to do something drastic but I can't get over whatever keeps me from doing it... Seems like a more passive more constant form of SI or smth

And quoting is being weird now or else I'm just too high and/or dumb to know how to bring it back up but, I guess I have been meeting new ppl lately, or getting to know old ones better. It's been... nice in a way, they all like me even when I'm not remotely trying to be normal and admittedly it hits that "I wanna be smol and cute and beloved" urge cuz I'm the youngest among them and I... I don't think I like being infantilized but I do like people seeing me as youthful and endearingly quirky, whatever that says about me. I have fun with them, then I go back to my unit and make myself sad thinking of how they'd like me a lot less if they knew some of things I'm into or even if they just knew me and my dysfunction better. Everyone loves me until they know me better... Which brings me back to my best friend, he hasn't abandoned me, I'm basically abandoning him because I'm tired of feeling like I'm burdening him when he maintains that I am not which is ass backwards on my part and just makes me feel guiltier.



Also I have a love hate relationship with the hug emoji lmao. I'm a touchstarved loser who loves hugs but the only person who hugs me IRL is someone I secretly hate cuz she also has a lot of narcissistic traits and reminds me of my mother but lately she's been nicer to me which makes me think maybe I judged her too harshly. But also my ex and best friend both use it a lot and one time I spiralled cuz I sent a hug emoji to my best friend and he didn't send one back, as dumb as that is to be upset over lol (this isn't me saying not to use the hug emoji cuz I do like hugs, just expanding on what a needy dumbass I am lol)

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I don't think it's happening with my best friend cuz we've been doing more stuff together and it felt amazing, it was the happiest and most secure I've felt in literal decades to have my favorite person also really enjoy spending time with me, be down to spend the entire day watching movies and cartoons with me, it's been my biggest dream for most of my life so I hate myself for constantly find ways to feel burned by the one person who has consistently been here for me

I see. It's good that you mentioned your best friend.
From my point of view, I wouldn't see the situation as something really serious, but rather as something manageable.

You should consider controlling or limiting those thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't know any techniques, but if you feel the urge to say something at some point, just write it down to get it out of your head or try to distract yourself with something that keeps your mind busy. Of course, it's not easy. In fact, for me, it's impossible
Another thing you should consider is to stop talking to your best friend about the friendship you have. By this, I mean DON'T say that you're NOT being a good friend or similar things, because from personal experience, sometimes it's exhausting (it was with my old friends) to be talking about the flaws of the friendship. Just enjoy it and that's it.
Also, try to give him his space. Don't distance yourself from him to avoid being distant, but don't be overly close either because you can suffocate him. Just talk to him as you normally do, enjoy the time you spend with him, but don't get too upset if he doesn't reply as soon as possible. I don't know if your best friend usually is quite busy, but keep in mind that sometimes people don't have much time to socialize and therefore it's common for them not to be aware of the messages you usually send.

I'm not an expert on friendships because I'm an introverted person, but everything I say is based on my personal experience.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I see. It's good that you mentioned your best friend.
From my point of view, I wouldn't see the situation as something really serious, but rather as something manageable.

You should consider controlling or limiting those thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't know any techniques, but if you feel the urge to say something at some point, just write it down to get it out of your head or try to distract yourself with something that keeps your mind busy. Of course, it's not easy. In fact, for me, it's impossible
Another thing you should consider is to stop talking to your best friend about the friendship you have. By this, I mean DON'T say that you're NOT being a good friend or similar things, because from personal experience, sometimes it's exhausting (it was with my old friends) to be talking about the flaws of the friendship. Just enjoy it and that's it.
Also, try to give him his space. Don't distance yourself from him to avoid being distant, but don't be overly close either because you can suffocate him. Just talk to him as you normally do, enjoy the time you spend with him, but don't get too upset if he doesn't reply as soon as possible. I don't know if your best friend usually is quite busy, but keep in mind that sometimes people don't have much time to socialize and therefore it's common for them not to be aware of the messages you usually send.

I'm not an expert on friendships because I'm an introverted person, but everything I say is based on my personal experience.

Thank you for hearing (well, reading?) me out and for the advice. I'm good at giving him his space, he has narcolepsy and usually has a job. I used to freak out when he'd go quiet (I wouldn't double text or anything, I just assumed he hated me lol) but I've grown comfy enough with him that pauses in between messages don't bother me.

As for not talking about the friendship... Definitely an area I need improvement in, I'm constantly apologizing for... Everything. Hell, when I did message him, I was planning on opening with "I'm sorry I'm a bad friend"

I just want the best for him so I get guilty feeling like he could spend time with better friends who don't freak out over small things but I guess if he's fine with me, I should accept that. I really do need to hit him up, I feel like an asshole, I was really contemplating just never going back to the social media sites we both frequent but I know I'd think about him forever and I know he'd be upset... I can't stop thinking that he'd get over being upset tho and live a better life without me around to bug him but realistically me being absent probs bugs him the most given I rarely vocalize when I'm upset anyway. I don't like growing silently resentful of people I like though. I love him but social shit is so hard


...The one thing I want to ask is how exactly he is missing the messages but I'm afraid that it will seem confrontational if I do