petuniaphantom
Member
- Mar 25, 2024
- 10
I just want to start off by saying I deeply empathize with everyone on this site. I don't know you, and you don't know me, and we may not even have similar experiences but my heart goes out to all of you who are suffering and can't find a way out. There are so many things I want/could say, but this post would be WAY too long and I can't truly put it into words and the same can be said for others here, so keep in mind my words are not representative of the true depth of my emotions and experiences.
I struggle with BPD, anxiety, depression, and BDD (all diagnosed) and I've had a long history of self harm, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I've tried everything to heal and recover and even felt as if I've recovered at one point. I've been through hell and back and I've tried every treatment possible and worked my hardest at it. Ive been through CBT and DBT therapy, inpatient hospitalization, outpatient, counselors, support groups, hell, I even tried to find god and made a whole new set of friends. I'm graduating high school in less than 2 months and I am dead set on committing suicide before then and absolutely nothing can change my mind. Words cannot describe the depth and despair of my emotional and mental anguish. People around me and I have done everything possible to help, which solidifies my decision since apparently I'm meant to go by suicide and there's nothing that can be done.
I've been told all this shit- that I'm young, that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent/funny and I'm going to a good college/good program but that doesn't mean shit. I don't have time to explain my life story here but I believe the mental illness, the despair, the loneliness, the pain has finally taken over every aspect of my life. I've sucked everyone dry of any empathy or love they could ever feel towards me. My relationships are and always have been turbulent and unstable. I feel things SO deeply, perhaps it's the BPD. I always love others more than they love me and I don't mean anything to anyone or anything. I feel like I have all my nerve endings exposed all the time, literally. I've attempted before and nobody cared. Nothing that I have done, god has done, or anyone else has done can, has, or will heal me. I don't wanna hear anyone telling me to stay because I have "so much ahead/going for me" because it's compete and utter bullshit and this decision has been something I've been pondering on and will finally bring me peace. I struggle from deep emotional pain, grief, anger, and shame, so, so much shame. I no longer have any regard for anyone's feelings about my suicide, if they would even feel sad in the first place. I am extremely loving and empathetic- hypersensitive almost and it has been one of the driving forces in my choice to end my life.
I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have nobody and nothing. I hope in the last few moments of my life I can find people I can connect to on here and we can share our experiences because I feel so alone. I love people, I really do. But the emotional pain outweighs the love I have for people. I will be gone soon, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.
I struggle with BPD, anxiety, depression, and BDD (all diagnosed) and I've had a long history of self harm, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I've tried everything to heal and recover and even felt as if I've recovered at one point. I've been through hell and back and I've tried every treatment possible and worked my hardest at it. Ive been through CBT and DBT therapy, inpatient hospitalization, outpatient, counselors, support groups, hell, I even tried to find god and made a whole new set of friends. I'm graduating high school in less than 2 months and I am dead set on committing suicide before then and absolutely nothing can change my mind. Words cannot describe the depth and despair of my emotional and mental anguish. People around me and I have done everything possible to help, which solidifies my decision since apparently I'm meant to go by suicide and there's nothing that can be done.
I've been told all this shit- that I'm young, that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent/funny and I'm going to a good college/good program but that doesn't mean shit. I don't have time to explain my life story here but I believe the mental illness, the despair, the loneliness, the pain has finally taken over every aspect of my life. I've sucked everyone dry of any empathy or love they could ever feel towards me. My relationships are and always have been turbulent and unstable. I feel things SO deeply, perhaps it's the BPD. I always love others more than they love me and I don't mean anything to anyone or anything. I feel like I have all my nerve endings exposed all the time, literally. I've attempted before and nobody cared. Nothing that I have done, god has done, or anyone else has done can, has, or will heal me. I don't wanna hear anyone telling me to stay because I have "so much ahead/going for me" because it's compete and utter bullshit and this decision has been something I've been pondering on and will finally bring me peace. I struggle from deep emotional pain, grief, anger, and shame, so, so much shame. I no longer have any regard for anyone's feelings about my suicide, if they would even feel sad in the first place. I am extremely loving and empathetic- hypersensitive almost and it has been one of the driving forces in my choice to end my life.
I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have nobody and nothing. I hope in the last few moments of my life I can find people I can connect to on here and we can share our experiences because I feel so alone. I love people, I really do. But the emotional pain outweighs the love I have for people. I will be gone soon, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.