Hi guys, I’ll be gone soon. I have nothing and nobody. Here’s a little about me. Hopefully someone will read. <3

[petuniaphantom]

I just want to start off by saying I deeply empathize with everyone on this site. I don't know you, and you don't know me, and we may not even have similar experiences but my heart goes out to all of you who are suffering and can't find a way out. There are so many things I want/could say, but this post would be WAY too long and I can't truly put it into words and the same can be said for others here, so keep in mind my words are not representative of the true depth of my emotions and experiences.

I struggle with BPD, anxiety, depression, and BDD (all diagnosed) and I've had a long history of self harm, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I've tried everything to heal and recover and even felt as if I've recovered at one point. I've been through hell and back and I've tried every treatment possible and worked my hardest at it. Ive been through CBT and DBT therapy, inpatient hospitalization, outpatient, counselors, support groups, hell, I even tried to find god and made a whole new set of friends. I'm graduating high school in less than 2 months and I am dead set on committing suicide before then and absolutely nothing can change my mind. Words cannot describe the depth and despair of my emotional and mental anguish. People around me and I have done everything possible to help, which solidifies my decision since apparently I'm meant to go by suicide and there's nothing that can be done.

I've been told all this shit- that I'm young, that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent/funny and I'm going to a good college/good program but that doesn't mean shit. I don't have time to explain my life story here but I believe the mental illness, the despair, the loneliness, the pain has finally taken over every aspect of my life. I've sucked everyone dry of any empathy or love they could ever feel towards me. My relationships are and always have been turbulent and unstable. I feel things SO deeply, perhaps it's the BPD. I always love others more than they love me and I don't mean anything to anyone or anything. I feel like I have all my nerve endings exposed all the time, literally. I've attempted before and nobody cared. Nothing that I have done, god has done, or anyone else has done can, has, or will heal me. I don't wanna hear anyone telling me to stay because I have "so much ahead/going for me" because it's compete and utter bullshit and this decision has been something I've been pondering on and will finally bring me peace. I struggle from deep emotional pain, grief, anger, and shame, so, so much shame. I no longer have any regard for anyone's feelings about my suicide, if they would even feel sad in the first place. I am extremely loving and empathetic- hypersensitive almost and it has been one of the driving forces in my choice to end my life.

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have nobody and nothing. I hope in the last few moments of my life I can find people I can connect to on here and we can share our experiences because I feel so alone. I love people, I really do. But the emotional pain outweighs the love I have for people. I will be gone soon, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.

 

[kamikaze_shark04]

 

[grahf]

I'm sorry about your situation I hope you find your peace, if you need someone to talk my PM is open

 

[petuniaphantom]

I'm sorry about your situation I hope you find your peace, if you need someone to talk my PM is open

I'm not sure how to pm or if I can but I'd love to talk.

 

[davidtorez]

I'm not sure how to pm or if I can but I'd love to talk.

You need a few posts i think in order to be allowed to send private messages . I am willing to have a chat with you about anything and everything if you are willing. Sometimes the path from inner turmoil starts with a friendly ear

 

[Labyrinth]

I don't approve of toxic positivism, but make sure your possibilities are exhausted. Find plausible justifications – if that's what you want – for suicide. Maybe you should take some time to see where life takes you. Exogenous depression, caused by external factors, is treatable. I'll be here to talk and exchange life experiences.

You need a few posts i think in order to be allowed to send private messages . I am willing to have a chat with you about anything and everything if you are willing. Sometimes the path from inner turmoil starts with a friendly ear

Generally people on this forum are more sincere. We do not prejudge and are understanding.

 

[petuniaphantom]

I don't approve of toxic positivism, but make sure your possibilities are exhausted, find plausible justifications – if that's what you want – for suicide. Maybe you should take some time to see where life takes you. Exogenous depression, caused by external factors, is treatable. I'll be here to talk and exchange life experiences.

I believe I do have all the possible and plausible justifications in mind. I cannot really express everything to the best of my ability and to the best of others' understanding in just a post, which I do apologize for. I truly have exhausted all my options treatment and recovery wise and I'm making the final decision to end my suffering. This is not an easy decision, or one made out of desperation. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I'm cheery, outgoing, and full of life but even through that I choose to be at peace and to be gone because the pain is so unbearable and there's no way out. Thank you for your response though, I appreciate your time.

You need a few posts i think in order to be allowed to send private messages . I am willing to have a chat with you about anything and everything if you are willing. Sometimes the path from inner turmoil starts with a friendly ear

Thank you so much for your response and thoughtfulness. I am willing to have a chat. Thank you for your kindness :)

 

[INTJme]

I've been told all this shit- that I'm young, that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent/funny and I'm going to a good college/good program but that doesn't mean shit.

People don't understand that these worldly things, including money, do nothing to alleviate the anguish we feel internally. What's good enough for them doesn't even scratch the surface for us.

I always love others more than they love me and I don't mean anything to anyone or anything. I feel like I have all my nerve endings exposed all the time, literally.

This hurts like a mf'er, doesn't it? I've been in relationships where I gave it my all, only to be abandoned later. Just recalling the past makes me shiver.

I struggle from deep emotional pain, grief, anger, and shame, so, so much shame.

I have saviour complex and so the world's problems are my problems and everything bad that happens in the world is also my fault. Logical, right?

I am extremely loving and empathetic- hypersensitive almost and it has been one of the driving forces in my choice to end my life.

Couldn't relate more.

 

[Labyrinth]

What lessons do you wish you had learned earlier that could have helped you? @INTJme

 

[davidtorez]

I don't approve of toxic positivism, but make sure your possibilities are exhausted. Find plausible justifications – if that's what you want – for suicide. Maybe you should take some time to see where life takes you. Exogenous depression, caused by external factors, is treatable. I'll be here to talk and exchange life experiences.

Generally people on this forum are more sincere. We do not prejudge and are understanding. This is true

 

[INTJme]

What lessons do you wish you had learned earlier that could have helped you? @INTJme

I don't think anything could've helped me. I was a "stress-baby"– my mom was under tremendous emotional and physical duress during her pregnancy and that resulted in me being depressed and suicidal at a very young age.

But to others not in my situation I'd advise them to observe and study people in conjunction with both past and current phenomena to understand the true nature of reality instead of conveniently assuming "the world or people are this or that". Wrong assumptions lead to shock, disappointments, and suffering in life.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm so sorry you have to experience such deep suffering. Being told things like you're beautiful, intelligent/funny and could go to a good college are just so trivial when you live with deep, daily suffering. I remember being told those things at your age and being baffled as to why anyone would even bring those subjects up. I think people who say things like that just can't fathom what it's like to have consistent pain that doesn't cease.

It sounds like you've worked extremely hard at treatment, and you're to be commended for that. It takes a lot of grit and determination to go through all that, especially when it's for things you had no choice over them happening to you in the first place. That's something you can be proud of.

I wish this world wasn't so cruel to people who don't deserve it. But I'm here to say someone hears you

 

[Labyrinth]

I don't think anything could've helped me. I was a "stress-baby"– my mom was under tremendous emotional and physical duress during her pregnancy and that resulted in me being depressed and suicidal at a very young age.

But to others not in my situation I'd advise them to observe and study people in conjunction with both past and current phenomena to understand the true nature of reality instead of conveniently assuming "the world or people are this or that". Wrong assumptions lead to shock, disappointments, and suffering in life.

What we see is not the exact expression of reality. Everything is relative to the observer, including colors and angles. Nothing is as we imagine it to be. We are not who we think we are, but what we think says a lot about us. If we knew what we were doing, we wouldn't do what we did. Close your eyelids and open your intuitive eyes.

 

[SVEN]

I'm sorry you have arrived at where you are, however I totally get how you feel. Best wishes in finding rest and peace in whatever way you find possible. Go well.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Meteora]

Borderline Personality Disorder is hell. I ve been diagnosed with it, too, although today I think my problem is a bit different.
The fact that you love more comes from the emotional neglect as a small child. It is hell to always hope others don't run away or love you the same as you do. I ve been there. I know what your talking about. I find your decision very brave and probably wise, too.
I was stupid enough to hope and hope and hope.... I m 45 now and... what should I say..... my life is still a mess. I honestly feel so dumb when I read your post, dumb because I still try.
Wishing you the best of luck .

 

[petuniaphantom]

What lessons do you wish you had learned earlier that could have helped you? @INTJme

I'm not going to cover the typical "it gets better/you're stronger than you think you are/your problems are fixable/cure-able" because even though some people truly learn that through their struggles I find it to be irrational and just outright stupid. But something that I have learned that isn't really covered by many is just the untreatable and irreversible nature of suicidality. As someone who's been talked out of ctb and have done the same for others, no amount of empathy, coercion, or reasoning can get someone to change their mind if they're truly set on it. No amount of kindness or words can shake the thoughts or emotions. I believe the solution is recognizing that there is no solution. I believe ctb, in many cases such as my own, is the bravest, smartest, and most logical path to choose. This is not something that can be said to the general public, though.

I don't think anything could've helped me. I was a "stress-baby"– my mom was under tremendous emotional and physical duress during her pregnancy and that resulted in me being depressed and suicidal at a very young age.

But to others not in my situation I'd advise them to observe and study people in conjunction with both past and current phenomena to understand the true nature of reality instead of conveniently assuming "the world or people are this or that". Wrong assumptions lead to shock, disappointments, and suffering in life.

It's a bit weirder for me. Although I do have much trauma, I also carry a lot of guilt for feeling this way. I've been in and out of psych wards and I've seen individuals with lives and situations much worse than mine, and on paper I have a seemingly good life. I come from a good, loving family. My parents are highly educated and academic-centric (which could be toxic at times) and we are somewhat well off. I never had to worry for my basic needs or safety. Any sport, hobby, extracurricular, or travel destination I wanted was presented to me. Some people look at me and think that I'm too privileged/lucky to be going through what I'm going through. But beneath that lies layers of deep rooted traumas and hurts that I will never get over. On a surface level, it seems like I have no reason to feel the way I do. But in reality I have every reason to go.

Borderline Personality Disorder is hell. I ve been diagnosed with it, too, although today I think my problem is a bit different.
The fact that you love more comes from the emotional neglect as a small child. It is hell to always hope others don't run away or love you the same as you do. I ve been there. I know what your talking about. I find your decision very brave and probably wise, too.
I was stupid enough to hope and hope and hope.... I m 45 now and... what should I say..... my life is still a mess. I honestly feel so dumb when I read your post, dumb because I still try.
Wishing you the best of luck .

Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I have never had someone call my decision smart or brave (I've only seen quite literally the opposite) so I appreciate your kind words and I am very touched by them. I literally feel like I'm being tortured all the time and I'm not sure how much more I can withstand. I know this is a cliche in the community but I truly am doing myself and everyone around me a favor by ctb. I also wish you the best of luck in anything.

 

[INTJme]

Although I do have much trauma, I also carry a lot of guilt for feeling this way.

Same here. It's funny that we're actually doing the healthy thing of taking responsibility for our own lives/situation which causes the immense guilt and shame but those who have a habit of blaming others go scot-free. Sometimes makes me wonder if I'm actually dumb for doing the right thing even if it kills me on the inside. Maybe I should've never tried to get better at all and blame it on others than think I could've done even more. Because, nothing is ever going to be enough to rid myself of my rotten brain.

I never had to worry for my basic needs or safety. Any sport, hobby, extracurricular, or travel destination I wanted was presented to me.

I've mentioned this before–worldly things like money, beauty and physical comfort have nothing to do with the internal world. You could be sipping LIITs on a beach in Hawaii with your best friends and still want to off yourself. And those who don't understand that are lucky because they will never have to go through what we go through every minute of our waking lives.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you can find a bit comfort from this community. Wish you all the best and I hope you find peace in your future plans

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry recovery has proved unsuccessful for you so far. It does sound like you tried a lot of things and got little reward.
I would be a hypocrite if I said simply that I wish you good luck on your ctb plans because you're young and it's sad to see someone so young go. Although I don't believe everyone can be saved, my heart doesn't let go of the idea that maybe you could be saved, even if I have no rationale behind it. I'm just a stranger but your life is precious, make sure you have exhausted all options, do your utmost best to make sure of that.

I hope you find some solace in finding other people in a similar boat. I've also tried a bunch of things so far and I'm actually lost now so I can relate to your feelings. I'm 29 and trying to navigate life pretty much blind.

You sound very eloquent and intelligent, I truly wish life hadn't push you this way and even though it may just be wishful thinking, I will be wishing that, someway, somehow, life blesses you with recovery. I don't want you to die, it doesn't feel fair and you deserved better.

 

[Zerin]

I just want to start off by saying I deeply empathize with everyone on this site. I don't know you, and you don't know me, and we may not even have similar experiences but my heart goes out to all of you who are suffering and can't find a way out. There are so many things I want/could say, but this post would be WAY too long and I can't truly put it into words and the same can be said for others here, so keep in mind my words are not representative of the true depth of my emotions and experiences.

I struggle with BPD, anxiety, depression, and BDD (all diagnosed) and I've had a long history of self harm, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I've tried everything to heal and recover and even felt as if I've recovered at one point. I've been through hell and back and I've tried every treatment possible and worked my hardest at it. Ive been through CBT and DBT therapy, inpatient hospitalization, outpatient, counselors, support groups, hell, I even tried to find god and made a whole new set of friends. I'm graduating high school in less than 2 months and I am dead set on committing suicide before then and absolutely nothing can change my mind. Words cannot describe the depth and despair of my emotional and mental anguish. People around me and I have done everything possible to help, which solidifies my decision since apparently I'm meant to go by suicide and there's nothing that can be done.

I've been told all this shit- that I'm young, that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent/funny and I'm going to a good college/good program but that doesn't mean shit. I don't have time to explain my life story here but I believe the mental illness, the despair, the loneliness, the pain has finally taken over every aspect of my life. I've sucked everyone dry of any empathy or love they could ever feel towards me. My relationships are and always have been turbulent and unstable. I feel things SO deeply, perhaps it's the BPD. I always love others more than they love me and I don't mean anything to anyone or anything. I feel like I have all my nerve endings exposed all the time, literally. I've attempted before and nobody cared. Nothing that I have done, god has done, or anyone else has done can, has, or will heal me. I don't wanna hear anyone telling me to stay because I have "so much ahead/going for me" because it's compete and utter bullshit and this decision has been something I've been pondering on and will finally bring me peace. I struggle from deep emotional pain, grief, anger, and shame, so, so much shame. I no longer have any regard for anyone's feelings about my suicide, if they would even feel sad in the first place. I am extremely loving and empathetic- hypersensitive almost and it has been one of the driving forces in my choice to end my life.

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have nobody and nothing. I hope in the last few moments of my life I can find people I can connect to on here and we can share our experiences because I feel so alone. I love people, I really do. But the emotional pain outweighs the love I have for people. I will be gone soon, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.

Hello, I made this account just to answer you, I was with a girl with BPD who now left me and I think about dying all the time because of that and the depression that I bring, I can't understand how really difficult it is to have BPD, you are and you were very strong If you want to talk, contact me and tell me about your lives and your things in more detail. It is difficult or impossible to prevent your suicide, but maybe I can make it more bearable until you decide to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I'm not going to cover the typical "it gets better/you're stronger than you think you are/your problems are fixable/cure-able" because even though some people truly learn that through their struggles I find it to be irrational and just outright stupid. But something that I have learned that isn't really covered by many is just the untreatable and irreversible nature of suicidality. As someone who's been talked out of ctb and have done the same for others, no amount of empathy, coercion, or reasoning can get someone to change their mind if they're truly set on it. No amount of kindness or words can shake the thoughts or emotions. I believe the solution is recognizing that there is no solution. I believe ctb, in many cases such as my own, is the bravest, smartest, and most logical path to choose. This is not something that can be said to the general public, though.

It's a bit weirder for me. Although I do have much trauma, I also carry a lot of guilt for feeling this way. I've been in and out of psych wards and I've seen individuals with lives and situations much worse than mine, and on paper I have a seemingly good life. I come from a good, loving family. My parents are highly educated and academic-centric (which could be toxic at times) and we are somewhat well off. I never had to worry for my basic needs or safety. Any sport, hobby, extracurricular, or travel destination I wanted was presented to me. Some people look at me and think that I'm too privileged/lucky to be going through what I'm going through. But beneath that lies layers of deep rooted traumas and hurts that I will never get over. On a surface level, it seems like I have no reason to feel the way I do. But in reality I have every reason to go.

Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I have never had someone call my decision smart or brave (I've only seen quite literally the opposite) so I appreciate your kind words and I am very touched by them. I literally feel like I'm being tortured all the time and I'm not sure how much more I can withstand. I know this is a cliche in the community but I truly am doing myself and everyone around me a favor by ctb. I also wish you the best of luck in anything.

I have experienced what you have in that I wanted to be with someone so badly that I called them 100x in a day when they didn't reply and I threatened suicide to get their attention. I haven't been diagnosed as BPD but I can imagine how brutal you must feel.

I can't give you much advice but all I can say is, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for feeling the way you do. There are not only many people in your situation but more so, your life is a product of genetics and your upbringing, and at your young age you can't realistically control that very well. If you were able to "magically disappear" BPD as a teenager you would be studied in medical journals and people all over would want to talk to you. Because no one can do that. In fact you have a lot to be proud of for getting into a good college etc.

 

[hopeless08]

I just want to start off by saying I deeply empathize with everyone on this site. I don't know you, and you don't know me, and we may not even have similar experiences but my heart goes out to all of you who are suffering and can't find a way out. There are so many things I want/could say, but this post would be WAY too long and I can't truly put it into words and the same can be said for others here, so keep in mind my words are not representative of the true depth of my emotions and experiences.

I struggle with BPD, anxiety, depression, and BDD (all diagnosed) and I've had a long history of self harm, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I've tried everything to heal and recover and even felt as if I've recovered at one point. I've been through hell and back and I've tried every treatment possible and worked my hardest at it. Ive been through CBT and DBT therapy, inpatient hospitalization, outpatient, counselors, support groups, hell, I even tried to find god and made a whole new set of friends. I'm graduating high school in less than 2 months and I am dead set on committing suicide before then and absolutely nothing can change my mind. Words cannot describe the depth and despair of my emotional and mental anguish. People around me and I have done everything possible to help, which solidifies my decision since apparently I'm meant to go by suicide and there's nothing that can be done.

I've been told all this shit- that I'm young, that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent/funny and I'm going to a good college/good program but that doesn't mean shit. I don't have time to explain my life story here but I believe the mental illness, the despair, the loneliness, the pain has finally taken over every aspect of my life. I've sucked everyone dry of any empathy or love they could ever feel towards me. My relationships are and always have been turbulent and unstable. I feel things SO deeply, perhaps it's the BPD. I always love others more than they love me and I don't mean anything to anyone or anything. I feel like I have all my nerve endings exposed all the time, literally. I've attempted before and nobody cared. Nothing that I have done, god has done, or anyone else has done can, has, or will heal me. I don't wanna hear anyone telling me to stay because I have "so much ahead/going for me" because it's compete and utter bullshit and this decision has been something I've been pondering on and will finally bring me peace. I struggle from deep emotional pain, grief, anger, and shame, so, so much shame. I no longer have any regard for anyone's feelings about my suicide, if they would even feel sad in the first place. I am extremely loving and empathetic- hypersensitive almost and it has been one of the driving forces in my choice to end my life.

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have nobody and nothing. I hope in the last few moments of my life I can find people I can connect to on here and we can share our experiences because I feel so alone. I love people, I really do. But the emotional pain outweighs the love I have for people. I will be gone soon, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.

I'm sorry you're enduring so much pain, you seem to be a good hearted person and I think that's part of the problem, I'm highly sensitive as well and care very much about others but it can be a curse to have such a good soul because in the end we get hurt easily and feel really bad for others, therefore putting others needs before ours, which causes more pain.
I can relate when you say that you've tried everything to get better. I've tried it all as well been to many different psychiatrists, taken every antidepressant under the sun, have been institutionalized, tried turning to god, constantly praying for him/her to help me, to no avail, I have even turned to psychic/healers, in desperation, hoping to rid me of negative energy that my be attached to me but in the end here we are. No one can tell us we didn't try and everyone I tried to get help somehow I would have high hopes that this time this will work. I've gotten to the point where I hate the word hope. In my opinion hope is a cruelty. I truly wish I could give you some words of encouragement and tell you that somehow things will get better.
The only thing I can say if this brings any solace at all is that you are a very good, kind hearted person and you don't deserve to be in this much pain.
Just know that you are not alone.
You can pm me anytime you feel the need to vent.

 

[petuniaphantom]

Hello, I made this account just to answer you, I was with a girl with BPD who now left me and I think about dying all the time because of that and the depression that I bring, I can't understand how really difficult it is to have BPD, you are and you were very strong If you want to talk, contact me and tell me about your lives and your things in more detail. It is difficult or impossible to prevent your suicide, but maybe I can make it more bearable until you decide to do it.

Thank you so much, sweet soul :) This comment/response has truly touched me. I've had similar experiences. I have dated guys whom I have been completely and utterly in love with, yet the relationship was highly toxic on both sides. Most people aren't well versed enough on the topic of mental health, especially BPD, and don't know how to handle a partner with it. I've had guys leave me because of my mental disorders and when I have attempted in the past because of the abandonment, I was met with apathy and genuine disregard for my feelings and mental state- so the fact that you care about this girl is amazing and highlights the good qualities of your character. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're thinking of dying, I wish I could help you with that but all I can say is that pwBPD are highly emotionally unstable, and her leaving you is not necessarily indicative of a fault or shortcoming on your part. Breakups and relationships, especially for those with BPD are highly complex and multifaceted, and reading between the lines won't help. Again, thank you for your kind words and I'm more than happy to chat with you. <3

I'm sorry recovery has proved unsuccessful for you so far. It does sound like you tried a lot of things and got little reward.
I would be a hypocrite if I said simply that I wish you good luck on your ctb plans because you're young and it's sad to see someone so young go. Although I don't believe everyone can be saved, my heart doesn't let go of the idea that maybe you could be saved, even if I have no rationale behind it. I'm just a stranger but your life is precious, make sure you have exhausted all options, do your utmost best to make sure of that.

I hope you find some solace in finding other people in a similar boat. I've also tried a bunch of things so far and I'm actually lost now so I can relate to your feelings. I'm 29 and trying to navigate life pretty much blind.

You sound very eloquent and intelligent, I truly wish life hadn't push you this way and even though it may just be wishful thinking, I will be wishing that, someway, somehow, life blesses you with recovery. I don't want you to die, it doesn't feel fair and you deserved better.

Thank you, you have such a kind heart. I am deeply touched by your comment and I appreciate your kind words. I am still in high school, and although that is young I have to accept that I am beyond repair and my life has been messed up beyond redemption even at this young age. It breaks my heart to see other people feeling similarly and I also wish there was something I could do. I think I have hoped so much in my life to the point of irrationality. I see a lot of comments and private messages telling me that I deserve better/am a kind person, and although I do recognize that those factors do not prevent me from following through with my decision. I do know that a lot of suicidal people seem as if they have no hopes or aspirations, but that isn't/wasn't the case for me. From a young age, I was gifted with talents and abilities and I've had big dreams that just are so unattainable now. So not only is it the pain and turmoil I feel, but I am doing myself a favor as I am a living waste of a life. I've always held on to that sliver of hope, that maybe, life would grant me the gift of true recovery despite my unfruitful attempts but it has become evident that it hasn't and it won't. Again, thank you for your comment and I would love to talk to you about anything. <3

 

[Zerin]

Thank you so much, sweet soul :) This comment/response has truly touched me. I've had similar experiences. I have dated guys whom I have been completely and utterly in love with, yet the relationship was highly toxic on both sides. Most people aren't well versed enough on the topic of mental health, especially BPD, and don't know how to handle a partner with it. I've had guys leave me because of my mental disorders and when I have attempted in the past because of the abandonment, I was met with apathy and genuine disregard for my feelings and mental state- so the fact that you care about this girl is amazing and highlights the good qualities of your character. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're thinking of dying, I wish I could help you with that but all I can say is that pwBPD are highly emotionally unstable, and her leaving you is not necessarily indicative of a fault or shortcoming on your part. Breakups and relationships, especially for those with BPD are highly complex and multifaceted, and reading between the lines won't help. Again, thank you for your kind words and I'm more than happy to chat with you. <3

Thank you, you have such a kind heart. I am deeply touched by your comment and I appreciate your kind words. I am still in high school, and although that is young I have to accept that I am beyond repair and my life has been messed up beyond redemption even at this young age. It breaks my heart to see other people feeling similarly and I also wish there was something I could do. I think I have hoped so much in my life to the point of irrationality. I see a lot of comments and private messages telling me that I deserve better/am a kind person, and although I do recognize that those factors do not prevent me from following through with my decision. I do know that a lot of suicidal people seem as if they have no hopes or aspirations, but that isn't/wasn't the case for me. From a young age, I was gifted with talents and abilities and I've had big dreams that just are so unattainable now. So not only is it the pain and turmoil I feel, but I am doing myself a favor as I am a living waste of a life. I've always held on to that sliver of hope, that maybe, life would grant me the gift of true recovery despite my unfruitful attempts but it has become evident that it hasn't and it won't. Again, thank you for your comment and I would love to talk to you about anything. <3

Thank you so much, sweet soul :) This comment/response has truly touched me. I've had similar experiences. I have dated guys whom I have been completely and utterly in love with, yet the relationship was highly toxic on both sides. Most people aren't well versed enough on the topic of mental health, especially BPD, and don't know how to handle a partner with it. I've had guys leave me because of my mental disorders and when I have attempted in the past because of the abandonment, I was met with apathy and genuine disregard for my feelings and mental state- so the fact that you care about this girl is amazing and highlights the good qualities of your character. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're thinking of dying, I wish I could help you with that but all I can say is that pwBPD are highly emotionally unstable, and her leaving you is not necessarily indicative of a fault or shortcoming on your part. Breakups and relationships, especially for those with BPD are highly complex and multifaceted, and reading between the lines won't help. Again, thank you for your kind words and I'm more than happy to chat with you. <3

Thank you, you have such a kind heart. I am deeply touched by your comment and I appreciate your kind words. I am still in high school, and although that is young I have to accept that I am beyond repair and my life has been messed up beyond redemption even at this young age. It breaks my heart to see other people feeling similarly and I also wish there was something I could do. I think I have hoped so much in my life to the point of irrationality. I see a lot of comments and private messages telling me that I deserve better/am a kind person, and although I do recognize that those factors do not prevent me from following through with my decision. I do know that a lot of suicidal people seem as if they have no hopes or aspirations, but that isn't/wasn't the case for me. From a young age, I was gifted with talents and abilities and I've had big dreams that just are so unattainable now. So not only is it the pain and turmoil I feel, but I am doing myself a favor as I am a living waste of a life. I've always held on to that sliver of hope, that maybe, life would grant me the gift of true recovery despite my unfruitful attempts but it has become evident that it hasn't and it won't. Again, thank you for your comment and I would love to talk to you about anything. <3

I am in a very difficult moment and what you said has helped me, she simply did not want to stay one day no matter how much I tried the impossible, she still did not give me explanations and it destroys my soul, I do not know how to contact you by md I am new here, my discord is apolo2301 maybe we could talk there, I had plans to move with a friend/partner I don't know what it will be to Spain but I really see myself incapable of having a normal job, I hope we can talk and maybe not help each other to avoid it because it is difficult but maybe have a decent time until decision day, add me in discord apolo2301

 

[J&L383]

You have experienced hardships few ever will. Thank you for reaching out. It's healing for me to hear from a genuine person. And as you can see, you have many potential friends here.

 

[surroundedbydemons]

I am so sorry you have been going through all of this.
I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for.


Welcome to the forum! I also found that people here are incredibly kind and empathetic (with the exception of a few weirdos like me ), and you can always reach out to them in case you need support or someone to talk to.

 

[Iamtired]

Please message me if you want to. I am a female who has a similar life story as you. I'm ways older but I can badly relate. I will not try to change your mind but I will listen.