Life is so boring, the idea of ruining it seems exciting

[Sockeye Salmon]

Anyone else feel like their life is so boring, the idea of fucking it up, or just living a more fucked up life in general more exciting? Dying aside (which is the endgame ofc)

I know this is probably an irrational thought, I'm clearly better off with a roof over my head than being homeless and fucked up, but I just can't help but think about it.

Sometimes I see people who are super fucked up, someone you don't want to be, who other people avoid and use as a cautionary tale to not be like, but in my head, I go "Sounds fun actually, I kinda wanna be them". They seem more interesting than I am.

I saw the movie Trainspotting the other day for the first time, a movie about heroin addicts. And clearly the message you see when you see these people are supposed to be "Don't fuck up your life like these people", but to me, their life seems more fun and exciting than mine is. At least they have friends and shit. I want to be like them.

Same with other types of stories with fucked up characters, Breaking Bad, Metamorphosis, etc.

There was this kid I met on VRChat a while back. 18 year old kid. He told me he's been playing since he was 12 years old, and he's done a lot of sexting and erotic role playing a lot, presumably with people far older than him.

Now this kid was clearly groomed, no doubt about it. But the more I spoke with him, he seemed to be alright with it? Like he knows what he's doing, he's fine with it, and he seems to be doing fine to it. He's made a lot of connections, friends, and money, and life experiences, both in real life and in the game because of it. Hell, he's got WAY more money, friends, life experiences, and career (He's in the process of opening up his own cafe) at 18 than I am right now at 27, who has no money, no friends, no life experiences, no career, basically a loser virgin incel chud with nothing going on for him in life (at this point my life is the more fucked up one)

And in my mind, I can't help but go; "Man, I wish I could've been like him growing up, rather than the loser that I was growing up (and still am)"

I know it sounds bad and irrational, but I just can't help think like it.

 

[x9x99988]

my life IS very boring icl

 

[oneirataxia]

You're looking for validation that you don't deserve. This "sounds bad and irrational" because it is bad and irrational. You know that this is a stupid and destructive mindset to have, which is why you felt the need to tack on a self-flagellating and backhanded remark at the end. Everyone else here will probably take the bait and coddle you, but I won't. You should be helping that kid instead of using your ideas surrounding his life as fodder for these self-pitying thought loops.

 

[dirkw83]

I used to think that, then I transitioned MtF and detransitioned and now I'm all kinds of fucked up for example man boobs plus in the throes of insane olanzapine withdrawal that for complicated reasons came with the territory. I'd do anything to have a boring shitty life without any of the issues I have now. ANYTHING AT ALL.

 

[hdead]

It's a trade-off you can make. It will suck either way, believe me. I did the normie thing. Study a little, find a job, have a girlfriend, buy a house. Then I went off the deep end and smoked a bunch of weed. Ngl, great time. I managed to slack off work while getting paid in full. I was dating women left and right, doing all kinds of drugs and just saving face and keeping up the show.

Until one day, I kinda went mad. I got sick of the 'rat-race'. Sold all my shit, moved to France and was like "I will grow my own food and live off my savings for a while" - guess what. It's fucking sucked so far. I mean, life kinda sucked before too but a little less so than now. Be careful what you wish for is all I can say. Make rash desicions, deal with rash concequences. It's actually what ultimately brought me here and now I have a stash of pills and SN ready to go - so yeah.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

Yeah, I know I'm a horrible person for thinking this. I know I should be appreciating what I have but I just feel numb and my mind is all sorts of fucked up.

I'm sorry for making this post. I just wanted to see if anyone thought the same way

 

[lastappleonearth]

You're looking for validation that you don't deserve. This "sounds bad and irrational" because it is bad and irrational. You know that this is a stupid and destructive mindset to have, which is why you felt the need to tack on a self-flagellating and backhanded remark at the end. Everyone else here will probably take the bait and coddle you, but I won't. You should be helping that kid instead of using your ideas surrounding his life as fodder for these self-pitying thought loops.

I agree, some things just are what they are and there's no other rational way to interpret them. Being groomed since childhood is a terrible thing, even if the victim has been led to believe that it's actually not, well especially then actually

 

[telekon]

that's the one thing about the drug addict community that is actually enviable — they have community. they say hi to each other on the streets, know each other's name, and that side of society is just lost on everyone else. I saw a crackhead smoking crack at the bus stop I wait at and she seemed so happy, saying hi to people who walked by and they say hi back, give her a high five etc. it was kind of nice.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Yeah, I know I'm a horrible person for thinking this. I know I should be appreciating what I have but I just feel numb and my mind is all sorts of fucked up.

I'm sorry for making this post. I just wanted to see if anyone thought the same way

I don't think you are a horrible person. Thoughts can be intrusive, it's hard to control them sometimes. It's good to get a different perspective on things tho

that's the one thing about the drug addict community that is actually enviable — they have community. they say hi to each other on the streets, know each other's name, and that side of society is just lost on everyone else. I saw a crackhead smoking crack at the bus stop I wait at and she seemed so happy, saying hi to people who walked by and they say hi back, give her a high five etc. it was kind of nice.

I mean yeah, I guess that's true, but it's a community that eats itself and will eventually self destruct. Especially with hard drugs involved

 

[telekon]

It's a trade-off you can make. It will suck either way, believe me. I did the normie thing. Study a little, find a job, have a girlfriend, buy a house. Then I went off the deep end and smoked a bunch of weed. Ngl, great time. I managed to slack off work while getting paid in full. I was dating women left and right, doing all kinds of drugs and just saving face and keeping up the show.

yeah this is a very relatable story for me. had it all, then just said fuck it I need something better. and that "something better" never came and now I'm in line for SN.

 

[hdead]

yeah this is a very relatable story for me. had it all, then just said fuck it I need something better. and that "something better" never came and now I'm in line for SN.

It's weirdly comforting that I'm not the only person on Earth that did this to themselves. Thanks for replying! Let us toast!

 

[imagonner]

i can partially answer your question, as i fucked up early in my life, but not out of boredom, but out of anger, frustration. i just didnt care what happened. that was about 20 yrs ago, i was getting stopped by the police every week, in court every couple of months (even though no drugs were involved). it lasted 6 years. it ended not because i wanted to, but because i was forced to. and now that urge has come back again with a vengeance like you cant imagine. it never went away, but it was kind of controlled. i call it my "dark passenger", like in the tv series dexter. but now, i feel trapped, i cant fuck up like i did when i was younger, because the consequences would be far worse. so i have no outlet, ive reached a bursting point and i dont know what to do. i have nothing to look forward to, no friends, no family, i cant self harm because thats going to involve the authorities sooner or later, the only way out i see is to ctb...