Life is so boring, the idea of ruining it seems exciting

[Sockeye Salmon]

Anyone else feel like their life is so boring, the idea of fucking it up, or just living a more fucked up life in general more exciting? Dying aside (which is the endgame ofc)

I know this is probably an irrational thought, I'm clearly better off with a roof over my head than being homeless and fucked up, but I just can't help but think about it.

Sometimes I see people who are super fucked up, someone you don't want to be, who other people avoid and use as a cautionary tale to not be like, but in my head, I go "Sounds fun actually, I kinda wanna be them". They seem more interesting than I am.

I saw the movie Trainspotting the other day for the first time, a movie about heroin addicts. And clearly the message you see when you see these people are supposed to be "Don't fuck up your life like these people", but to me, their life seems more fun and exciting than mine is. At least they have friends and shit. I want to be like them.

Same with other types of stories with fucked up characters, Breaking Bad, Metamorphosis, etc.

There was this kid I met on VRChat a while back. 18 year old kid. He told me he's been playing since he was 12 years old, and he's done a lot of sexting and erotic role playing a lot, presumably with people far older than him.

Now this kid was clearly groomed, no doubt about it. But the more I spoke with him, he seemed to be alright with it? Like he knows what he's doing, he's fine with it, and he seems to be doing fine to it. He's made a lot of connections, friends, and money, and life experiences, both in real life and in the game because of it. Hell, he's got WAY more money, friends, life experiences, and career (He's in the process of opening up his own cafe) at 18 than I am right now at 27, who has no money, no friends, no life experiences, no career, basically a loser virgin incel chud with nothing going on for him in life (at this point my life is the more fucked up one)

And in my mind, I can't help but go; "Man, I wish I could've been like him growing up, rather than the loser that I was growing up (and still am)"

I know it sounds bad and irrational, but I just can't help think like it.

 

[Sally Face]

my life IS very boring icl

 

[oneirataxia]

You're looking for validation that you don't deserve. This "sounds bad and irrational" because it is bad and irrational. You know that this is a stupid and destructive mindset to have, which is why you felt the need to tack on a self-flagellating and backhanded remark at the end. Everyone else here will probably take the bait and coddle you, but I won't. You should be helping that kid instead of using your ideas surrounding his life as fodder for these self-pitying thought loops.

 

[dirkw83]

I used to think that, then I transitioned MtF and detransitioned and now I'm all kinds of fucked up for example man boobs plus in the throes of insane olanzapine withdrawal that for complicated reasons came with the territory. I'd do anything to have a boring shitty life without any of the issues I have now. ANYTHING AT ALL.

 

[hdead]

It's a trade-off you can make. It will suck either way, believe me. I did the normie thing. Study a little, find a job, have a girlfriend, buy a house. Then I went off the deep end and smoked a bunch of weed. Ngl, great time. I managed to slack off work while getting paid in full. I was dating women left and right, doing all kinds of drugs and just saving face and keeping up the show.

Until one day, I kinda went mad. I got sick of the 'rat-race'. Sold all my shit, moved to France and was like "I will grow my own food and live off my savings for a while" - guess what. It's fucking sucked so far. I mean, life kinda sucked before too but a little less so than now. Be careful what you wish for is all I can say. Make rash desicions, deal with rash concequences. It's actually what ultimately brought me here and now I have a stash of pills and SN ready to go - so yeah.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

Yeah, I know I'm a horrible person for thinking this. I know I should be appreciating what I have but I just feel numb and my mind is all sorts of fucked up.

I'm sorry for making this post. I just wanted to see if anyone thought the same way

 

[lastappleonearth]

You're looking for validation that you don't deserve. This "sounds bad and irrational" because it is bad and irrational. You know that this is a stupid and destructive mindset to have, which is why you felt the need to tack on a self-flagellating and backhanded remark at the end. Everyone else here will probably take the bait and coddle you, but I won't. You should be helping that kid instead of using your ideas surrounding his life as fodder for these self-pitying thought loops.

I agree, some things just are what they are and there's no other rational way to interpret them. Being groomed since childhood is a terrible thing, even if the victim has been led to believe that it's actually not, well especially then actually

 

[telekon]

that's the one thing about the drug addict community that is actually enviable — they have community. they say hi to each other on the streets, know each other's name, and that side of society is just lost on everyone else. I saw a crackhead smoking crack at the bus stop I wait at and she seemed so happy, saying hi to people who walked by and they say hi back, give her a high five etc. it was kind of nice.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Yeah, I know I'm a horrible person for thinking this. I know I should be appreciating what I have but I just feel numb and my mind is all sorts of fucked up.

I'm sorry for making this post. I just wanted to see if anyone thought the same way

I don't think you are a horrible person. Thoughts can be intrusive, it's hard to control them sometimes. It's good to get a different perspective on things tho

that's the one thing about the drug addict community that is actually enviable — they have community. they say hi to each other on the streets, know each other's name, and that side of society is just lost on everyone else. I saw a crackhead smoking crack at the bus stop I wait at and she seemed so happy, saying hi to people who walked by and they say hi back, give her a high five etc. it was kind of nice.

I mean yeah, I guess that's true, but it's a community that eats itself and will eventually self destruct. Especially with hard drugs involved

 

[telekon]

It's a trade-off you can make. It will suck either way, believe me. I did the normie thing. Study a little, find a job, have a girlfriend, buy a house. Then I went off the deep end and smoked a bunch of weed. Ngl, great time. I managed to slack off work while getting paid in full. I was dating women left and right, doing all kinds of drugs and just saving face and keeping up the show.

yeah this is a very relatable story for me. had it all, then just said fuck it I need something better. and that "something better" never came and now I'm in line for SN.

 

[hdead]

yeah this is a very relatable story for me. had it all, then just said fuck it I need something better. and that "something better" never came and now I'm in line for SN.

It's weirdly comforting that I'm not the only person on Earth that did this to themselves. Thanks for replying! Let us toast!

 

[imagonner]

i can partially answer your question, as i fucked up early in my life, but not out of boredom, but out of anger, frustration. i just didnt care what happened. that was about 20 yrs ago, i was getting stopped by the police every week, in court every couple of months (even though no drugs were involved). it lasted 6 years. it ended not because i wanted to, but because i was forced to. and now that urge has come back again with a vengeance like you cant imagine. it never went away, but it was kind of controlled. i call it my "dark passenger", like in the tv series dexter. but now, i feel trapped, i cant fuck up like i did when i was younger, because the consequences would be far worse. so i have no outlet, ive reached a bursting point and i dont know what to do. i have nothing to look forward to, no friends, no family, i cant self harm because thats going to involve the authorities sooner or later, the only way out i see is to ctb...

 

[Agnes Tachyon]

i was groomed online too, i was really hypersexual as a kid and even then, I wish it was worse, i wish something worse wouldve happened to me.

i have been sheltered my whole life, even now as an adult, so, ive been just daydreaming about bad things happening to me and about fucking up my life really, really bad because i am too afraid of the outside world to actually act on said fantasies, but the urge is there ... so yes, my life has been pretty boring.​

 

[fleurdelune]

i promise you don't want to be that kid who was being sexually exploited online at 12 years old.......

that said, these thoughts you're having definitely aren't unique to you, nor do they make you bad -- maybe just a little naive (i'm naive too, so no shade). humans are drawn to drama and it's normal-ish to thrill-seek when you're bored or numb inside :P or maybe that's just me. oops

also, regarding films like trainspotting, some people say it's impossible to make films about terrible things like war or addiction or whatever without glorifying those things to an extent, so your reaction being "i kinda wanna be like those addicts" is natural, given your own "boring" circumstances. try not to beat yourself up too much about this stuff; it's not worth it

 

[kirillbledny]

I know what you mean. Ideally I wanna actually ctb, but I don't relate to people who say they don't wanna end up disabled. If I was a vegetable, I wouldn't know it anyway, and if I ended up with some kind of serious disability, the expectation to just work on myself harder, get a job, apartment etc, would completely disappear. The only bad outcome of failing an attempt would be to survive completely unharmed and have to keep being me with unchanged life circumstances.
So yeah it's kinda fucked up to wish this, but I get it.

 

[itsgone2]

And in my mind, I can't help but go; "Man, I wish I could've been like him growing up, rather than the loser that I was growing up (and still am)"

Take the boring life. Mine wasn't drugs but i strayed and it was a huge mistake. Try church for friends.

 

[eggsausagerice]

You're looking for validation that you don't deserve. This "sounds bad and irrational" because it is bad and irrational. You know that this is a stupid and destructive mindset to have, which is why you felt the need to tack on a self-flagellating and backhanded remark at the end. Everyone else here will probably take the bait and coddle you, but I won't. You should be helping that kid instead of using your ideas surrounding his life as fodder for these self-pitying thought loops.

i really feel bad for the kid mentioned in the story that was getting groomed. everyone is probably enabling his behavior or taking advantage of him, but he doesn't know how to get out of his situation because he's become so comfortable with it. everyone knows that it's irrational to want to ruin your life, but i don't think OP should've used his life as an example of a more interesting or comparatively better life. it's kind of tone deaf.

i was groomed online too, i was really hypersexual as a kid and even then, I wish it was worse, i wish something worse wouldve happened to me.

as someone who was groomed irl and online by different people because i didn't know how to connect with other people unless they were older and wanted me to send nudes, being 21 feels extremely boring because i "can't" be groomed anymore. i'm too old for perverts and i don't act my age because i'm stuck in the mindset of acting mature for a 16 year old but not mature enough to have a sense of self. everything seemed easier when i was hypersexual and addicted to attention from people i shouldn't be talking to. i don't think people should want to get groomed worse or to get groomed at all, but it never feels like it was enough no matter how bad it was. i think the loneliest part of getting groomed is how common it is in childhoods, but not being allowed to talk about it because people will think you wanted it to happen.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

-

I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. I just can't help but think that way. I'm in no way justifying or defending what happened to him, just so be clear.

I guess part of it is also due to jealousy. Depsite what happened to him, he's more successful at 19, having lots of friends (ones his age, not older people), having opened up his own business, and is more financially stable and well off than I am at 27, who has no friends, no money, and nothing going on in my life, and constantly trying to kill myself, and I'll probably never be where he is at life any time soon. Like I've had my fair share of abuse growing up as well, but at the very least he's got friends and stuff in the end. I don't. All I ended up is with the bad things, and nothing good.

Sorry if what I shared makes everyone feel uneasy. I just wanted to get it out there. I probably shouldn't have.

 

[SergantWallbridge]

Fascinating. So, by this dude's own admission he benefits from it and is fine with lt. In addition, he has things that we can consider "obiectively" good/enviable; money, prospects of having his own business etc.

However, his own opinion about his situation is apparently meant to be swept asside like a trash, just so that *concerned*, narrow minded moral realists (possibly projecting their own experiences on him) can convince him he's been traumatized (whether that's actually the case or not).

Lol.

 

[pepperfarmer]

It's a lot more bleak and boring living in it than it looks from the outside. I've been sexually and politically groomed by pedophiles and white supremacists since I was 11, and only shook it all off at like 17. Thankfully it never reached the point of physically hurting anyone or joining a group or shit like that, but I still said and did a bunch of messed up shit online for their validation. I'm a better person now but all it left me with is with guilt and self hatred, and that's the best case scenario since I never got 'caught' (and teenagers where I live are already super racist, so I wouldn't stand out).

The internet, media and documentaries make fringe life seem super scary and dangerous, but the truth is that it's a lot more monotone and boring than it looks. I can only imagine it's the same for more extreme cases and for junkies/the homeless. If you were to do it you'd come out of the other side bored and/or remorseful and that'd be it.

 

[oneirataxia]

Fascinating. So, by this dude's own admission he benefits from it and is fine with lt. In addition, he has things that we can consider "obiectively" good/enviable; money, prospects of having his own business etc.

However, his own opinion about his situation is apparently meant to be swept asside like a trash, just so that *concerned*, narrow minded moral realists (possibly projecting their own experiences on him) can convince him he's been traumatized (whether that's actually the case or not).

Lol.

Hey there Shadow the Hedgehog, I wasn't trying to exact "narrow-minded moral realism" upon this dude with what I wrote. I said what I said because I've seen what happens when you coddle people who want to destroy their lives and continue to nod your head, type out a "wow duuude same lol life sucks!" and validate their behavior. They accept the validation for beliefs that are destructive to themselves and continue to make their own lives worse when it could've been at least partially mitigated by having it put into perspective that their beliefs are stupid, harmful and shouldn't be made out to be a good thing. It isn't nice to see people go down that path. This wasn't something I said solely on the behalf of the kid.

Even besides this, it is easy for someone to be groomed or abused and say they "didn't have it that bad." Whether or not this is true, a grown adult in this situation should be responsible and try to provide guidance instead of trying to take this young person's word at face value to fuel their own self-destruction, both for the sake of that person and themselves. That isn't a lofty and disingenuous exercise in "moral realism," that is just my own personal judgment. I have nothing to gain or lose from posting something on an account for a suicide forum I hardly use anymore. Sometimes you just can't sugarcoat things and be nice to get a point like this across. When does it stop being "a projection of personal experiences" and when does it start being a reasonable inference from an observable pattern you've witnessed over and over with numerous people throughout your life? Really fascinating stuff indeed.

is apparently meant to be swept asside like a trash,

*aside. Lelouch vi Britannia commands you to spell correctly!

 

[Pluto]

 

[SergantWallbridge]

Hey there Shadow the Hedgehog, I wasn't trying to exact "narrow-minded moral realism" upon this dude with what I wrote. I said what I said because I've seen what happens when you coddle people who want to destroy their lives and continue to nod your head, type out a "wow duuude same lol life sucks!" and validate their behavior. They accept the validation for beliefs that are destructive to themselves and continue to make their own lives worse when it could've been at least partially mitigated by having it put into perspective that their beliefs are stupid, harmful and shouldn't be made out to be a good thing. It isn't nice to see people go down that path. This wasn't something I said solely on the behalf of the kid.

Even besides this, it is easy for someone to be groomed or abused and say they "didn't have it that bad." Whether or not this is true, a grown adult in this situation should be responsible and try to provide guidance instead of trying to take this young person's word at face value to fuel their own self-destruction, both for the sake of that person and themselves. That isn't a lofty and disingenuous exercise in "moral realism," that is just my own personal judgment. I have nothing to gain or lose from posting something on an account for a suicide forum I hardly use anymore. Sometimes you just can't sugarcoat things and be nice to get a point like this across. When does it stop being "a projection of personal experiences" and when does it start being a reasonable inference from an observable pattern you've witnessed over and over with numerous people throughout your life? Really fascinating stuff indeed.



*aside. Lelouch vi Britannia commands you to spell correctly!

Thanks for the spelling correction. I appreciate it.

I would like to bring your attention to the fact that the "quote" you provided ("it aint that bad") is not an interpretation of the kid's outlook that's supported by the text of the post. This would be a good example of the projection I was talking about; if you arrive at your conclusions through the process of squinting until an unfamiliar situation begins contorting to match your expectations its disingenous to claim what's happening here is "inference."

But to the point: my previous comment 1. Wasn't aimed either exclusively or even primarly at you. 2. Took particular issue with baseless assumption common in the comments that the kid referenced in the post is a poor little victim who's experiences likely match mine.

I did not take issue with dissuading OP from his beliefs. Go for it. Your armchair psychoanalyzing makes you look annoying, but being annoying by itself doesn't mean you don't have an accurate read on this aspect of the OP's mindset and its likely outcomes.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

i think i agree with op honestly. like idk obviously there's harms to having bad things happen in your life but i also feel like having bad things happen in my life has led to me living a life with more 'amplitude' and i like it more this way. i do hard drugs sometimes, i know a lot of people that do hard drugs, i know a few chemists that make or used to make drugs, some of them have spent a long time in jail. and like it does make life more interesting. self destruction makes you a real human being. its such a waste of life to do everything right just to be happy or fulfilled or have stable relationships and loved ones. you need a healthy disregard for your own wellbeing and safety in order to make the most of your life.

 

[oneirataxia]

Thanks for the spelling correction. I appreciate it.

I would like to bring your attention to the fact that the "quote" you provided ("it aint that bad") is not an interpretation of the kid's outlook that's supported by the text of the post. This would be a good example of the projection I was talking about; if you arrive at your conclusions through the process of squinting until an unfamiliar situation begins contorting to match your expectations its disingenous to claim what's happening here is "inference."

But to the point: my previous comment 1. Wasn't aimed either exclusively or even primarly at you. 2. Took particular issue with baseless assumption common in the comments that the kid referenced in the post is a poor little victim who's experiences likely match mine.

I did not take issue with dissuading OP from his beliefs. Go for it. Your armchair psychoanalyzing makes you look annoying, but being annoying by itself doesn't mean you don't have an accurate read on this aspect of the OP's mindset and its likely outcomes.

It's armchair psychoanalyzing to come to the conclusion that it isn't a good idea to provide empty validation to someone who outright expresses that it seems exciting to ruin their life, based on repeated experiences where I've seen people dig themselves a deeper hole as their environment continued to coddle and accept it? How many bad YouTube video essays have you consumed in the past week?

It's common for people to undermine the significance of their problems, which is why I brought up that cliché. "He seemed to be alright with it." That comes directly from the body of the original post. Is it "a process of squinting at an unfamiliar situation until it begins to contort to match my expectations" because I bring up an example that isn't a 1:1 copy-pasted excerpt from the text of the original post?

 

[SergantWallbridge]

It's armchair psychoanalyzing to come to the conclusion that it isn't a good idea to provide empty validation to someone who outright expresses that it seems exciting to ruin their life, based on repeated experiences where I've seen people dig themselves a deeper hole as their environment continued to coddle and accept it? How many bad YouTube video essays have you consumed in the past week?

It's common for people to undermine the significance of their problems, which is why I brought up that cliché. "He seemed to be alright with it." That comes directly from the body of the original post. Is it "a process of squinting at an unfamiliar situation until it begins to contort to match my expectations" because I bring up an example that isn't a 1:1 copy-pasted excerpt from the text of the original post?

Read the first comment you left in this thread. Slowly. Does it still seem to you that it either 1) doesn't deserve to be called an example of armchair psychoanalyzing or 2) the alternative summary of it you provided isin't in any way misleading?

That comment is made up entirely of hypothesizing about Op mental state and intentions.

Quote: yes, that comes directly from the body of the original post. Preceeding and following it however, are statements that decrease the likelyhood of your interpretation being correct.

The confidence you have in your perspective doesn't seem to be matched be the quality of your reasoning. One is tempted to make "inferences" about what it says about you as a person.

 

[19-21-8-5-14-25]

These people or victims of this system that are presented as cautionary tales are to keep us slaves inline with the programming.

I have said this a million times to my therapist, but if you go against the current or what I love to call the programming the system will absolutely make you regret it in any way, shape or form. You will be ostracized, tortured (mentally and/or physically) and abandoned. Now what people constitute the system to be, be it God, a simulation (like the Matrix) or just the biological structure of this species and it's emergent properties and traits (like civilization) doesn't matter really, what matters is that these are chains to keep you where you are.

If I take what you wrote seriously than I actually think you are EXACTLY like the people you and the system use as cautionary tales. You are EXACTLY what the system punishes and uses as an example of what happens to those that don't adhere to the system genetically, socially, mentally or physically. You call yourself chud-like or incel-like. It doesn't even matter if these types of labels were either assigned to you by others or if you were inherently to be these things, but what matters is that you are in the same position as a drug addict yet you don't see that. You are just tormented in different ways than a drug addict.

I am crazy and a cel like you and I have come to realise that if you GREATLY fall out of line genetically, socially, physically or mentally in any way, shape or form you are going to suffer greatly and even though your suffering is less apparent or visible than that of a drug addict or homeless person it's fundamentally the same but manifested and experienced differently. This is not to trivialise victims of the system like them at all as there are definitely levels to the suffering one could experience, but it really did open my eyes once I looked at the world like that.

I am cautioning to not make rash decisions where you do self-destructive things like that. This is exactly what the system wants. If you are going to be self-destructive or rebellious towards the system I think only escaping it (CTB) can be the middle finger to this species and this system.

But please don't take anything I say literally as I am an unreliable source. I am not to be trusted as I am just like everyone else a product of the system and its programming even if I wish I wasn't.

I hate that I write these schizo things, but it's how I truly feel about this reality. Sorry for this essay.