Help Life Choices. WTF to do?

[AnimeSlayersFan]

How do you make choices in life?
I'm about to try medication, which may help a bit, but I don't know what to do then, like in general what to do with my life. What to make of it.
Everything seems just so chaotic, that I don't have a clue on what to do, stay where I am, who to talk to, move? To which part of my country, to another country?
Look for a job? Save money for a van and live in a van with like mobile data internet?
Be social enough to crash in random people's places? Try to get a job? Start a business? What job? What business?
Be openly bisexual or hide it? How should I dress? How do I interact with a corrupt system?
Like EVERYTHING is up for questions. Then, even if I chose to live an "optimal life", working, saving money in a boring and stable job, then what?
Is that a life worth living? Which of all the possible life options is one "worth living".
All the things I valued BEFORE all this shit post covid went down have changed a lot, and I have aged, I have no direction.

What do you do in a moment like this? I do not want to just stumble around either, just taking the path of less resistance, because that feels like it's gonna be baaaaaaad for me.

So that, let's say that I "get better" enough for me to realize that I am an adult, but an adult in a crazy chaotic place, filled with boobytraps.
I'm now afraid of life. About making the wrong choice.
And I know that this is a game that does not end once you enter into it, and I feel that I'm about to really enter into it.
I guess at 25 I have to start being "an adult" not in my interests, but in choices.
I'm terrified. I guess I will have to fend for myself now?

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

How do you make choices in life?
I'm about to try medication, which may help a bit, but I don't know what to do then, like in general what to do with my life. What to make of it.
Everything seems just so chaotic, that I don't have a clue on what to do, stay where I am, who to talk to, move? To which part of my country, to another country?
Look for a job? Save money for a van and live in a van with like mobile data internet?
Be social enough to crash in random people's places? Try to get a job? Start a business? What job? What business?
Be openly bisexual or hide it? How should I dress? How do I interact with a corrupt system?
Like EVERYTHING is up for questions. Then, even if I chose to live an "optimal life", working, saving money in a boring and stable job, then what?
Is that a life worth living? Which of all the possible life options is one "worth living".
All the things I valued BEFORE all this shit post covid went down have changed a lot, and I have aged, I have no direction.

What do you do in a moment like this? I do not want to just stumble around either, just taking the path of less resistance, because that feels like it's gonna be baaaaaaad for me.

So that, let's say that I "get better" enough for me to realize that I am an adult, but an adult in a crazy chaotic place, filled with boobytraps.
I'm now afraid of life. About making the wrong choice.
And I know that this is a game that does not end once you enter into it, and I feel that I'm about to really enter into it.
I guess at 25 I have to start being "an adult" not in my interests, but in choices.
I'm terrified. I guess I will have to fend for myself now?

I don't know what to do but I "hope" you are gonna make it.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Thanks for the kind words.

 

[私はあなたと一緒に飛びます]

I don't know if my words will bring much comfort since I'm absolutely terrible at giving advice, but hell - here I go.

Often times I find myself facing a really tough choice, like shit - I make a mountain out of a molehill and in my mind I make things out to be far worse than they actually are, and when I force myself to do said task, more often than not, it turns out FAR better than I could have hoped, and if it doesn't? I learn from it and move on.

Driving? Shit, I don't do it much do to my extreme anxiety, but when I do it feels liberating. Tough sitchiation at work? Go into it head on and hopefully don't fuck it up. It's usually just a situation of just making me go out of my comfort zone and try new things I guess.

I honestly don't know what I want for myself other than to be happy, so...maybe start with the smallest possible thing that you know what you makes you happy, and then go with that. Keep building through the chaos, and if it gets too much? Step back a bit, then keep going. I've faced this shit for a while and it's worked for me, and believe me - I have exisitential dread about what happens when my Dad is gone.

But in any case, I hope you make it as well, and I'll be rooting for you, for what it's worth!

(and I'm so sorry if this sounds like one of those cheap life advice commercial things, but I promise it came from the heart.)

 

[Manfrotto99]

Life throws us tough decisions, often when where not ready for them. Its incredibly hard enough to make decisions, but even more so when we are depressed. One thing I've learnt is not to make rash decisions while feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxious. I've always made the worst decisions in my life when I've done this. Thinking I must somehow make a quick decision and control the situation before I do something wrong or I miss out or things get away from me. Sometimes we need to just take little steps, take time and calm our heads.

 

[TBONTB]

How do you make choices in life?
I'm about to try medication, which may help a bit, but I don't know what to do then, like in general what to do with my life. What to make of it.
Everything seems just so chaotic, that I don't have a clue on what to do, stay where I am, who to talk to, move? To which part of my country, to another country?
Look for a job? Save money for a van and live in a van with like mobile data internet?
Be social enough to crash in random people's places? Try to get a job? Start a business? What job? What business?
Be openly bisexual or hide it? How should I dress? How do I interact with a corrupt system?
Like EVERYTHING is up for questions. Then, even if I chose to live an "optimal life", working, saving money in a boring and stable job, then what?
Is that a life worth living? Which of all the possible life options is one "worth living".
All the things I valued BEFORE all this shit post covid went down have changed a lot, and I have aged, I have no direction.

What do you do in a moment like this? I do not want to just stumble around either, just taking the path of less resistance, because that feels like it's gonna be baaaaaaad for me.

So that, let's say that I "get better" enough for me to realize that I am an adult, but an adult in a crazy chaotic place, filled with boobytraps.
I'm now afraid of life. About making the wrong choice.
And I know that this is a game that does not end once you enter into it, and I feel that I'm about to really enter into it.
I guess at 25 I have to start being "an adult" not in my interests, but in choices.
I'm terrified. I guess I will have to fend for myself now?

Phewww, that is so many questions, no wonder your brain is fried. I think you need to pick one or two and focus on those, and just focus on a year or two instead of your whole life. Whatever choice you make, commit to it for a year or so, try to get some momentum

Focusing on mental health so you can actually be effective is great. Glad to see you have meditation coming. Adding therapy if it's feasible is a good thing to help
You work through these things.

You mention where to live, what country. I'm not sure if there is a reason to flee your country, but unless there is life is probably going to be easier in the place and culture you know. Live somewhere with opportunities...if your current place has them, stay.

Then focus on economics before you get to the next big questions. That will give you a base that you can make all these other decisions from. Get a job, one that you have the skills to do. Food service, customer service..can you do manual labor? I don't know if you have any opportunity to do some training

I hear the quest for adventure...van life or sleeping on friends couches. Personally, i would do that later. But look for little adventurers too

Can a boring life be a good life? Absolutely! Having resources to care for yourself, building skills and a role in a family, friend group or community, these are fundamental parts of life. But you also want some adventure, so sprinkle it in!


Know that life will take twists and turns, and that you will have the opportunity to make different choices later. Some decisions you make will be bad, others good. That's okay. You are okay.

Life throws us tough decisions, often when where not ready for them. Its incredibly hard enough to make decisions, but even more so when we are depressed. One thing I've learnt is not to make rash decisions while feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxious. I've always made the worst decisions in my life when I've done this. Thinking I must somehow make a quick decision and control the situation before I do something wrong or I miss out or things get away from me. Sometimes we need to just take little steps, take time and calm our heads.

This is great input. Ditto on the bad decisions I've made when stressed and anxious

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I'm gonna be prescribed modafinil, well, ive been prescribed it, and if im lucky I start on those tomorrow. Then maybe finally I will get some relief from all the racing non stop thoughts that I have, I was diagnosed with adhd and my psychiatrist didn't believe it at first, then my psychologist, like everyone things that because I don't jump up and down like a 10 year old I don't have those issues, but finally I've given at least 1 drug, if that helps me see like another way, I will take it until it kills me.

 

[Hollowman]

I took the path of least resistance and it worked out really bad. Good luck with whatever happens.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I think I may end up killing myself, still too many back and forths, life is kinda painful and yea, I don't know, Im starting to feel the same way as I felt when I was first admitted in the mental ward. Same kinda "why live" thoughts, and the people around me are seeming more evil every day to me, like it happened that time, like my family seem like enemies, I trust doctors less and less again, and I'm becoming more apathetic and angry in general, this kind of feeling led me to cut a gash on my arm the first time, so I kinda recognize it again. I'm wondering, maybe if this keeps on going, I can push myself for another attempt.
I hate having to wait it out while "feeling bad" I don't really connect with the few people that I'm with, I just want to be left alone, there's like too much going on and this feeling of being crushed of being attacked, or idk, or wanting all to end, because the process would be super long, and maybe I'm never "cured".
I'm wondering what would happen If I took 30mg of clonazepam and hanged myself right after.