hughmun9
Member
- Feb 22, 2023
- 25
I know this is probably very personal so I don't know if it would resonate with others but this concept caused me to have a breakthrough and I felt like I should share it.
I was reading this book "In Sheep's Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K. Simon and in it he makes the distinction between self esteem and self respect.
He defines self esteem to be the perception of your gifts and talents that you were born with: beauty, intelligence, certain talents, etc. Whereas self respect is what you do with what you're given. Your discipline, character traits like courage, boldness. It has to do with your perception of how you make use of your free will, the quality of your choices.
I realised that I have always maintained high levels of self respect, at all costs. It's just inherent to me, much like a type of a big ego, I have a kind of pride that didn't allow me to lower my self-respect almost regardless of what happened around me. However, I have recently started failing in multiple aspects of life. I graduated university but wasn't able to get a job in 4 years. I started a business and wasn't able to get it off the ground. I also found myself unable to concentrate and do basic tasks at work.
Since I believed that I made all the right choices and I wanted to maintain my self-respect, I had to lower my self-esteem in order to explain these circumstances. If you think about it, the lower your self-esteem, as defined by George (I don't think the way he uses the word is how most people use it), the easier it is to maintain self respect. I failed because I'm not smart enough. I failed because I have executive dysfunction (ADHD). I have the discipline, I have the courage, I retain the right to view myself with respect, but I'm lowering my perception of my own abilities so that my circumstances make sense.
The issue with this in my life is that it caused me to put myself into a cage. The lower my self-esteem the more I started to believe that I have no power at all. But all of those circumstances had different potential explanations. Explanations that have to do with my own perspective and the way that I see things. But I didn't want to admit that it was me that was making the mistake, that my vessel and my gifts are sufficient and I'm the one misusing what I've got.
For example with finding a job after university. I have a Masters in computer science. I honestly didn't actually want to land a programming job to begin with. I was applying for these jobs and in my head I was visualising what the job would be like and I genuinely don't want to spend 8hrs/day in front of a computer flexing my brain all day. I want to talk to more people, interact with them. During this time I had a shitty minimum wage job working retail, but you know what? I liked it better than I would've liked the programming job. Minus one aspect: the low salary and inconsistent hours. I wanted the financial security, but I didn't actually want to live the day to day of a programmer more than the day to day of working retail. And because of that I wasn't really genuinely trying. I was forcing myself mechanically to apply to these jobs but I applied to way too few, too inconsistently. I at the time, just thought I have ADHD and can't focus enough to make the right amount of applications instead.
With the business failing. I realise now I was avoiding doing the most important task to make the business work. Sales. I was avoiding getting on the phone and selling to people. I was working every day on 'the business', but I was pussyfooting around the fact that the most important bit is getting clients first. Why? Because 1. social anxiety, selling is nervewracking, but most importantly 2. I was afraid of success. Every phone call could actually mean making money. I could land an $800 client in the next 15 minute phone call. That would absolutely warp my perception of reality, and somewhere deep down I didn't believe I deserved the success. I couldn't see it. So I was terrified of actually being on a succesfull phone call. I was avoiding it. Looking back on it I again just said that I was too inefficient with my time, that I couldn't consistently do the boring stuff, because of exec. dysfunction.
With not focusing at work. I was just being hard on myself, because there was a co-worker there that was triggering me hard. My brother was covertly abusive growing up, and this guy had the same pattern. I never really healed that wound, so I didn't know how to navigate that environment properly. So instead of focusing on my job, I was in my head all the time, heavily triggered.
For all of those situations there is an explanation that puts the onus on me to either face my fears, or pivot what I'm doing entirely. But my pride got in the way of me being able to do that. Especially since so many people had such high expectations of me growing up.
Also another nuanced bit is, sometimes I think I do encounter situations in life that should naturally lower my self-esteem: my perception of my gifts and abilities. But for some reason, I am more comfortable severely over-correcting in these situations and throwing my self-esteem in the gutter. Believing that I am just stupid and can't do anything right is more comfortable than believing that maybe I am of mediocre intelligence. Seeing myself with accuracy, is scary. I don't fully understand why.
This isn't the sole reason I wanted to CTB, but this mentality is what lead to me losing hope for the future.
This is an excerpt from the book that resonated with me:
"Even though a person may begin life as a prisoner of what natural endowments he is given and the circumstances under which he is raised, he cannot remain a "victim" forever. Eventually, every person must come to terms with him or herself. To know oneself, to fairly judge one's strengths and weaknesses, and to attain true mastery over one's most basic instincts are among life's greatest challenges. But ultimately, anyone's rise to a higher plane of existence can only come as the result of a full self-awakening. He must come to know himself as well as others, without deceit or denial. Only then can he freely take on the burden of disciplining himself for the sake of himself as well as for the sake of others."
I was reading this book "In Sheep's Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K. Simon and in it he makes the distinction between self esteem and self respect.
He defines self esteem to be the perception of your gifts and talents that you were born with: beauty, intelligence, certain talents, etc. Whereas self respect is what you do with what you're given. Your discipline, character traits like courage, boldness. It has to do with your perception of how you make use of your free will, the quality of your choices.
I realised that I have always maintained high levels of self respect, at all costs. It's just inherent to me, much like a type of a big ego, I have a kind of pride that didn't allow me to lower my self-respect almost regardless of what happened around me. However, I have recently started failing in multiple aspects of life. I graduated university but wasn't able to get a job in 4 years. I started a business and wasn't able to get it off the ground. I also found myself unable to concentrate and do basic tasks at work.
Since I believed that I made all the right choices and I wanted to maintain my self-respect, I had to lower my self-esteem in order to explain these circumstances. If you think about it, the lower your self-esteem, as defined by George (I don't think the way he uses the word is how most people use it), the easier it is to maintain self respect. I failed because I'm not smart enough. I failed because I have executive dysfunction (ADHD). I have the discipline, I have the courage, I retain the right to view myself with respect, but I'm lowering my perception of my own abilities so that my circumstances make sense.
The issue with this in my life is that it caused me to put myself into a cage. The lower my self-esteem the more I started to believe that I have no power at all. But all of those circumstances had different potential explanations. Explanations that have to do with my own perspective and the way that I see things. But I didn't want to admit that it was me that was making the mistake, that my vessel and my gifts are sufficient and I'm the one misusing what I've got.
For example with finding a job after university. I have a Masters in computer science. I honestly didn't actually want to land a programming job to begin with. I was applying for these jobs and in my head I was visualising what the job would be like and I genuinely don't want to spend 8hrs/day in front of a computer flexing my brain all day. I want to talk to more people, interact with them. During this time I had a shitty minimum wage job working retail, but you know what? I liked it better than I would've liked the programming job. Minus one aspect: the low salary and inconsistent hours. I wanted the financial security, but I didn't actually want to live the day to day of a programmer more than the day to day of working retail. And because of that I wasn't really genuinely trying. I was forcing myself mechanically to apply to these jobs but I applied to way too few, too inconsistently. I at the time, just thought I have ADHD and can't focus enough to make the right amount of applications instead.
With the business failing. I realise now I was avoiding doing the most important task to make the business work. Sales. I was avoiding getting on the phone and selling to people. I was working every day on 'the business', but I was pussyfooting around the fact that the most important bit is getting clients first. Why? Because 1. social anxiety, selling is nervewracking, but most importantly 2. I was afraid of success. Every phone call could actually mean making money. I could land an $800 client in the next 15 minute phone call. That would absolutely warp my perception of reality, and somewhere deep down I didn't believe I deserved the success. I couldn't see it. So I was terrified of actually being on a succesfull phone call. I was avoiding it. Looking back on it I again just said that I was too inefficient with my time, that I couldn't consistently do the boring stuff, because of exec. dysfunction.
With not focusing at work. I was just being hard on myself, because there was a co-worker there that was triggering me hard. My brother was covertly abusive growing up, and this guy had the same pattern. I never really healed that wound, so I didn't know how to navigate that environment properly. So instead of focusing on my job, I was in my head all the time, heavily triggered.
For all of those situations there is an explanation that puts the onus on me to either face my fears, or pivot what I'm doing entirely. But my pride got in the way of me being able to do that. Especially since so many people had such high expectations of me growing up.
Also another nuanced bit is, sometimes I think I do encounter situations in life that should naturally lower my self-esteem: my perception of my gifts and abilities. But for some reason, I am more comfortable severely over-correcting in these situations and throwing my self-esteem in the gutter. Believing that I am just stupid and can't do anything right is more comfortable than believing that maybe I am of mediocre intelligence. Seeing myself with accuracy, is scary. I don't fully understand why.
This isn't the sole reason I wanted to CTB, but this mentality is what lead to me losing hope for the future.
This is an excerpt from the book that resonated with me:
"Even though a person may begin life as a prisoner of what natural endowments he is given and the circumstances under which he is raised, he cannot remain a "victim" forever. Eventually, every person must come to terms with him or herself. To know oneself, to fairly judge one's strengths and weaknesses, and to attain true mastery over one's most basic instincts are among life's greatest challenges. But ultimately, anyone's rise to a higher plane of existence can only come as the result of a full self-awakening. He must come to know himself as well as others, without deceit or denial. Only then can he freely take on the burden of disciplining himself for the sake of himself as well as for the sake of others."
