Struggling to find Pros vs Cons.

[Clayface]

Everything is going wrong in my life. My (only and oldest) friend is moving away, My only other IRL social environment is becoming too unpleasant and demanding to deal with, mid-to-lower support autism (not really able to be truly self sufficient. Everyone else around me is growing and changing, getting wealthier, more independent, more interesting. Relatives are starting families. I am still living at home. I cannot find reasons to live. Economically I am a useless eater, I am a disabled social security recipient and I have tried and failed at holding jobs before. No one relies on me and I provide nothing for anyone else. I can tally more reasons to die a peaceful painless death than I can to live. Current ctb options include 5.56 rifle and 9mm handgun. They aren't locked but I just don't quite have the balls to do it either. If there is a god I wish he would take me in my sleep.

I can enumerate all these reasons to die, but I'm not enough of a man to ctb, but I can't bear living much longer either. What's the answer here?

 

[NZkiwi]

Everything is going wrong in my life. My (only and oldest) friend is moving away, My only other IRL social environment is becoming too unpleasant and demanding to deal with, mid-to-lower support autism (not really able to be truly self sufficient. Everyone else around me is growing and changing, getting wealthier, more independent, more interesting. Relatives are starting families. I am still living at home. I cannot find reasons to live. Economically I am a useless eater, I am a disabled social security recipient and I have tried and failed at holding jobs before. No one relies on me and I provide nothing for anyone else. I can tally more reasons to die a peaceful painless death than I can to live. Current ctb options include 5.56 rifle and 9mm handgun. They aren't locked but I just don't quite have the balls to do it either. If there is a god I wish he would take me in my sleep.

I can enumerate all these reasons to die, but I'm not enough of a man to ctb, but I can't bear living much longer either. What's the answer here?

Can't really give you an answer to live or die.. can be hard when stressed for anything to feel meaningful

When I was acutetly dysregulated/very unwell, what kept me alive was future events and promises I made e.g. I'm officiating a friends wedding soon, and I try to be a man of my word

Any promises you've kept that is keeping you here?

 

[Clayface]

Can't really give you an answer to live or die.. can be hard when stressed for anything to feel meaningful

When I was acutetly dysregulated/very unwell, what kept me alive was future events and promises I made e.g. I'm officiating a friends wedding soon, and I try to be a man of my word

Any promises you've kept that is keeping you here?

Not particularly? I have dogs that I would estimate will live another 4-5 years and I'm always morally hung up on killing myself because they couldn't understand that my being gone is a happy thing, they would just think I disappeared. So far that's the biggest anything I have in favor of living. For a time my friend was cause enough but with them moving I am confident they would be fine either way.

 

[NZkiwi]

I have dogs that I would estimate will live another 4-5 years

If you're on the recovery journey, maybe that's something that you can hold on to for the short term. Does that help for now?

Do you have a big dog or small dog?
I'm sure they are a very good boy!

With time, (in theory if you are wanting to recover) you will discover other things in your life that will want to you stay around a bit longer.

Hopefully gives you space to find stratagies to reduce the suffering you feel in the short term until then.

 

[Clayface]

If you're on the recovery journey, maybe that's something that you can hold on to for the short term. Does that help for now?

Do you have a big dog or small dog?
I'm sure they are a very good boy!

With time, (in theory if you are wanting to recover) you will discover other things in your life that will want to you stay around a bit longer.

Hopefully gives you space to find stratagies to reduce the suffering you feel in the short term until then.

I guess I don't know if I can recover or if I want to. I can't find reasons to want to live. Global warming is getting so much worse and it scares me. My country is likely to only get worse with time. I love my dogs and I can maybe hang on for their sake but I just don't know. If I just had the balls I could splatter myself and finally be happy.

 

[NZkiwi]

I guess I don't know if I can recover or if I want to. I can't find reasons to want to live.

That's fine you don't need to have all the answers and I hope you don't feel like I'm interrigating you. I'm glad you can be honest and say "I don't know"

finally be happy

I'm curious, if you feel comfortable sharing, if your'e taking medications, done therapy and engaged with professional mental health services?

I have, and it did alleviate my short term suffering.

 

[Clayface]

That's fine you don't need to have all the answers and I hope you don't feel like I'm interrigating you. I'm glad you can be honest and say "I don't know"



I'm curious, if you feel comfortable sharing, if your'e taking medications, done therapy and engaged with professional mental health services?

I have, and it did alleviate my short term suffering.

It's been a while since I've taken my antidepressants. I also do spravato but my family didn't like how frequently they had to travel/ the cost of gas to take me home from appointments and back to my car so that's on a less frequent schedule. I also do weed and that sort of helps.

 

[NZkiwi]

It's been a while since I've taken my antidepressants. I also do spravato but my family didn't like how frequently they had to travel/ the cost of gas to take me home from appointments and back to my car so that's on a less frequent schedule. I also do weed and that sort of helps.

Thanks for sharing


Hmm, given it's the recovery side of the forum
Are you open to engaging with your doctor and trying to see if anti-depressants might work for you?

Also, was unclear from your response, have you tried therapy before? /Are you open to having a go again?

Yeah weed can help, with sleep. I take quetiapine for sleep personally.

Do you run/gym? I found running helped my mood out a lot.

 

[Clayface]

Thanks for sharing


Hmm, given it's the recovery side of the forum
Are you open to engaging with your doctor and trying to see if anti-depressants might work for you?

Also, was unclear from your response, have you tried therapy before? /Are you open to having a go again?

Yeah weed can help, with sleep. I take quetiapine for sleep personally.

Do you run/gym? I found running helped my mood out a lot.

Exercise has been curtailed to the summer heat. I own a treadmill but I'm too stupid to remember to use it. Otherwise when the weather is cool I enjoy walking.

Mowing sort of occupies the niche but it lacks the free feeling of walks.

In therapy. Can't be too honest with therapist otherwise they'll fuck me and send me back to the psych ward and I promised myself that if it ever looks like they're going to hurt me with that I'll kill myself before they can do that to me again.

Currently on Auvelity. Works okay I just get feeling good then forget to take it. Too retarded to manage that as well.

 

[NZkiwi]

Can't be too honest with therapist otherwise they'll fuck me and send me back to the psych ward and I promised myself that if it ever looks like they're going to hurt me with that I'll kill myself before they can do that to me again.

yeah i get this

im currently enagsging with professional mental health services and that fear is real.

i start every session with, before we start, can we go through the reasons why i might get admitted as id like to learn how to behave in a way thst wont get me admitted... ikd if thst mskes sense

Currently on Auvelity. Works okay I just get feeling good then forget to take it. Too retarded to manage that as well.

ah bupropion, loved that med when i took it. hope you find a routine that works for you