RosebyAnyName
Staring at the ceiling for 6 hours
- Nov 9, 2023
- 435
In recovery because this isn't suicidal ideation.
I'm done. I tried to make friends and relationships, but everyone leaves eventually. Either due to circumstances outside of my control, or because people stay long enough to see how innately unlovable I am underneath, or because I make a mistake I couldn't have predicted or learned about before it's too late.
I worked very hard to try and make friends, to be good to others, to uplift others. I volunteer, put myself out there, read books and articles about social rules and etiquette, try to empathize, I always tried to fight my bitterness and give people the best version of myself, but it only ended up poorly for everyone involved. Other people get scared of me or angry at me, and my existence has resulted in nothing but bad feelings. I believe it's because I fawn too much and people always clock me as dishonest.
Since I still care about others and genuinely want the best for them despite my shortcomings and failures, I have made the unanimous decision to not be a nuisance in other people's lives anymore.
I am not going to make friends anymore. My socializing will be with the cashier at the grocery store, anything closer than that just hurts people despite my best efforts. I even had someone approach me recently, asking if they wanted to be friends, and despite my feelings saying "yes of course! I will always accept an opportunity to make friends!", I said (politely) no, and that I'm just not ready for friends after again after a bad experience. What I didn't say is that I've nothing except bad experiences, and that I'm never going to be "ready," and that closeness with other just isn't for me.
I will continue to not share how I feel with others, I will continue to not bother people with how much I am struggling, I will pretend I am not starved for affection so others don't feel uncomfortable around me, I will continue repressing my "needy" feelings for everyone else's sake. This is the absolute best I can do for others. I feel bad for still being dishonest, but I tried to be more honest about my true thoughts and feelings and I couldn't even force myself to do it no matter how much I tried. The fawn response is too strong and I can't fight it. I am too weak, naive, and volatile for real friendships.
I'm done. I tried to make friends and relationships, but everyone leaves eventually. Either due to circumstances outside of my control, or because people stay long enough to see how innately unlovable I am underneath, or because I make a mistake I couldn't have predicted or learned about before it's too late.
I worked very hard to try and make friends, to be good to others, to uplift others. I volunteer, put myself out there, read books and articles about social rules and etiquette, try to empathize, I always tried to fight my bitterness and give people the best version of myself, but it only ended up poorly for everyone involved. Other people get scared of me or angry at me, and my existence has resulted in nothing but bad feelings. I believe it's because I fawn too much and people always clock me as dishonest.
Since I still care about others and genuinely want the best for them despite my shortcomings and failures, I have made the unanimous decision to not be a nuisance in other people's lives anymore.
I am not going to make friends anymore. My socializing will be with the cashier at the grocery store, anything closer than that just hurts people despite my best efforts. I even had someone approach me recently, asking if they wanted to be friends, and despite my feelings saying "yes of course! I will always accept an opportunity to make friends!", I said (politely) no, and that I'm just not ready for friends after again after a bad experience. What I didn't say is that I've nothing except bad experiences, and that I'm never going to be "ready," and that closeness with other just isn't for me.
I will continue to not share how I feel with others, I will continue to not bother people with how much I am struggling, I will pretend I am not starved for affection so others don't feel uncomfortable around me, I will continue repressing my "needy" feelings for everyone else's sake. This is the absolute best I can do for others. I feel bad for still being dishonest, but I tried to be more honest about my true thoughts and feelings and I couldn't even force myself to do it no matter how much I tried. The fawn response is too strong and I can't fight it. I am too weak, naive, and volatile for real friendships.
