Venting I'm giving up on making friends for everyone else's sake

[RosebyAnyName]

In recovery because this isn't suicidal ideation.

I'm done. I tried to make friends and relationships, but everyone leaves eventually. Either due to circumstances outside of my control, or because people stay long enough to see how innately unlovable I am underneath, or because I make a mistake I couldn't have predicted or learned about before it's too late.

I worked very hard to try and make friends, to be good to others, to uplift others. I volunteer, put myself out there, read books and articles about social rules and etiquette, try to empathize, I always tried to fight my bitterness and give people the best version of myself, but it only ended up poorly for everyone involved. Other people get scared of me or angry at me, and my existence has resulted in nothing but bad feelings. I believe it's because I fawn too much and people always clock me as dishonest.

Since I still care about others and genuinely want the best for them despite my shortcomings and failures, I have made the unanimous decision to not be a nuisance in other people's lives anymore.

I am not going to make friends anymore. My socializing will be with the cashier at the grocery store, anything closer than that just hurts people despite my best efforts. I even had someone approach me recently, asking if they wanted to be friends, and despite my feelings saying "yes of course! I will always accept an opportunity to make friends!", I said (politely) no, and that I'm just not ready for friends after again after a bad experience. What I didn't say is that I've nothing except bad experiences, and that I'm never going to be "ready," and that closeness with other just isn't for me.

I will continue to not share how I feel with others, I will continue to not bother people with how much I am struggling, I will pretend I am not starved for affection so others don't feel uncomfortable around me, I will continue repressing my "needy" feelings for everyone else's sake. This is the absolute best I can do for others. I feel bad for still being dishonest, but I tried to be more honest about my true thoughts and feelings and I couldn't even force myself to do it no matter how much I tried. The fawn response is too strong and I can't fight it. I am too weak, naive, and volatile for real friendships.

 

[BooksIsAloneK]

Most would say that's not good and humans are social creatures etc etc but I have tried to do what you are trying to doing and failed. I actually think that's very strong and stoic of you. I wish you the best in your travels, stranger.

 

[Spite]

I'm pretty much in the exact same boat. I read your whole post and a lot of it feels like something I could have written almost verbatim. I'm sorry it's come down to this.

I'm practically friendless as well and I'm nearing 30 years old. Been trying and fighting my whole life to find connections and have some kind of friend group, or any friends at all. At this point I'm ready to give up forever. I think I just need to accept my fate that I will always be a lonely unlikable outcast. I want to stop yearning for friends and connections. I also want to stop sharing my feelings and opening up to others. I wish I could be an emotionless robot with no feelings and no desires.

 

[imagonner]

ive given up on people too. i only get love from animals, dogs and cats. at least they re honest with their feelings...

 

[Gloomic]

In recovery because this isn't suicidal ideation.

I'm done. I tried to make friends and relationships, but everyone leaves eventually. Either due to circumstances outside of my control, or because people stay long enough to see how innately unlovable I am underneath, or because I make a mistake I couldn't have predicted or learned about before it's too late.

I worked very hard to try and make friends, to be good to others, to uplift others. I volunteer, put myself out there, read books and articles about social rules and etiquette, try to empathize, I always tried to fight my bitterness and give people the best version of myself, but it only ended up poorly for everyone involved. Other people get scared of me or angry at me, and my existence has resulted in nothing but bad feelings. I believe it's because I fawn too much and people always clock me as dishonest.

Since I still care about others and genuinely want the best for them despite my shortcomings and failures, I have made the unanimous decision to not be a nuisance in other people's lives anymore.

I am not going to make friends anymore. My socializing will be with the cashier at the grocery store, anything closer than that just hurts people despite my best efforts. I even had someone approach me recently, asking if they wanted to be friends, and despite my feelings saying "yes of course! I will always accept an opportunity to make friends!", I said (politely) no, and that I'm just not ready for friends after again after a bad experience. What I didn't say is that I've nothing except bad experiences, and that I'm never going to be "ready," and that closeness with other just isn't for me.

I will continue to not share how I feel with others, I will continue to not bother people with how much I am struggling, I will pretend I am not starved for affection so others don't feel uncomfortable around me, I will continue repressing my "needy" feelings for everyone else's sake. This is the absolute best I can do for others. I feel bad for still being dishonest, but I tried to be more honest about my true thoughts and feelings and I couldn't even force myself to do it no matter how much I tried. The fawn response is too strong and I can't fight it. I am too weak, naive, and volatile for real friendships.

You stated that you do care about others and your feelings being that you do want friendship but deny it when someone asked, I must insist that you don't self-sabatoge yourself. When I was younger, I had similar thoughts of being a waste of air and presence. There were people who I could've been friends with, and I wonder how much bearable my teenage years would've been if I accepted. Point is, if you want to go this route, you don't have to completely avoid any and all human relations. Perhaps you could develop a mindset where you'll accept friendships but keep it surface level and have this mental barrier to where you're not as emotionally invested in the other person. Perhaps keep the expectation that relationships are temporary and make the most out of it. This way, you don't miss out on what could've happened if you accepted. At least for me, in the moment it feels like the right thing to stay out of people's way, but later it haunts you that maybe it was okay to be a little self-indulgent.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

You stated that you do care about others and your feelings being that you do want friendship but deny it when someone asked, I must insist that you don't self-sabatoge yourself. When I was younger, I had similar thoughts of being a waste of air and presence. There were people who I could've been friends with, and I wonder how much bearable my teenage years would've been if I accepted. Point is, if you want to go this route, you don't have to completely avoid any and all human relations. Perhaps you could develop a mindset where you'll accept friendships but keep it surface level and have this mental barrier to where you're not as emotionally invested in the other person. Perhaps keep the expectation that relationships are temporary and make the most out of it. This way, you don't miss out on what could've happened if you accepted. At least for me, in the moment it feels like the right thing to stay out of people's way, but later it haunts you that maybe it was okay to be a little self-indulgent.

I already tried exactly this, and caught feelings too fast to keep myself in check. People can always clock how needy I am despite my best efforts, and it always scares people away eventually. I deserve to be alone for not being able to conceal how undesirable I am.

ive given up on people too. i only get love from animals, dogs and cats. at least they re honest with their feelings...

Agreed. If I had the availability, I'd be volunteering at the animal shelter again. I'm also thinking of adopting.

 

[lastappleonearth]

In recovery because this isn't suicidal ideation.

I'm done. I tried to make friends and relationships, but everyone leaves eventually. Either due to circumstances outside of my control, or because people stay long enough to see how innately unlovable I am underneath, or because I make a mistake I couldn't have predicted or learned about before it's too late.

I worked very hard to try and make friends, to be good to others, to uplift others. I volunteer, put myself out there, read books and articles about social rules and etiquette, try to empathize, I always tried to fight my bitterness and give people the best version of myself, but it only ended up poorly for everyone involved. Other people get scared of me or angry at me, and my existence has resulted in nothing but bad feelings. I believe it's because I fawn too much and people always clock me as dishonest.

Since I still care about others and genuinely want the best for them despite my shortcomings and failures, I have made the unanimous decision to not be a nuisance in other people's lives anymore.

I am not going to make friends anymore. My socializing will be with the cashier at the grocery store, anything closer than that just hurts people despite my best efforts. I even had someone approach me recently, asking if they wanted to be friends, and despite my feelings saying "yes of course! I will always accept an opportunity to make friends!", I said (politely) no, and that I'm just not ready for friends after again after a bad experience. What I didn't say is that I've nothing except bad experiences, and that I'm never going to be "ready," and that closeness with other just isn't for me.

I will continue to not share how I feel with others, I will continue to not bother people with how much I am struggling, I will pretend I am not starved for affection so others don't feel uncomfortable around me, I will continue repressing my "needy" feelings for everyone else's sake. This is the absolute best I can do for others. I feel bad for still being dishonest, but I tried to be more honest about my true thoughts and feelings and I couldn't even force myself to do it no matter how much I tried. The fawn response is too strong and I can't fight it. I am too weak, naive, and volatile for real friendships.

I'm sorry your friendships and relationships have all ended in hurt for everyone. I relate to this so much tbh. Recently literally all, well almost all my friendships and relationships have all ended catastrophically. Most of it was my fault, but yeah, sometimes it's just bcs of circumstances out of your control, but I don't think that's any better. It just sucks, cus I recently tried to connect with some people, but it just doesn't work. Always ends with everyone getting hurt. Idk, what I should do, I know that you shouldn't give up, but I have kinda given up on connection now.
I wish you all the best and mby, who knows, you'll someday make the right connections that stay with you

and caught feelings too fast to keep myself in check. People can always clock how needy I am despite my best efforts, and it always scares people away eventually

This is so true . When you are desperate for connection like I am as well, it overwhelms ppl quickly. But I just don't know what you are supposed to do then, like yeah I'm kinda desperate for connection and mby that's not a good foundation for anything, but like what else are you supposed to do

 

[BooksIsAloneK]

Seems like no matter how hard I try to set that boundary for myself, I can't hold out. I am very all or nothing. I can't balance the in-between.

You stated that you do care about others and your feelings being that you do want friendship but deny it when someone asked, I must insist that you don't self-sabatoge yourself. When I was younger, I had similar thoughts of being a waste of air and presence. There were people who I could've been friends with, and I wonder how much bearable my teenage years would've been if I accepted. Point is, if you want to go this route, you don't have to completely avoid any and all human relations. Perhaps you could develop a mindset where you'll accept friendships but keep it surface level and have this mental barrier to where you're not as emotionally invested in the other person. Perhaps keep the expectation that relationships are temporary and make the most out of it. This way, you don't miss out on what could've happened if you accepted. At least for me, in the moment it feels like the right thing to stay out of people's way, but later it haunts you that maybe it was okay to be a little self-indulgent.