I'm just gonna vent
So my penultimate year of school starts next year. Uni is so bad for my mental health. On top of that I have to gear up for round 2 of the internship hunt. Isn't it so fun how you hardly got 4 weeks to celebrate this stuff back in winter semester (Jan-April) and instantly had to start worrying again! I now think in terms of like week to week and all I see is every mistake and every missed opportunity. I act like something is a long time ago if it happened at the end of July and etc. I am losing it! Let's not even talk about first and second year.
I feel like now I know how stupid I am.
On the one hand I think I might have found a better direction that suits me. On the other hand I've sent 24 applications in after 5 weeks. I know this is nothing but it still really hurts. I see people around me getting OAs and recruiters talking to them, and I started in the middle of July so it's just not fun. I am like seeing the mistakes I've made and yeah I just realize I'm a bad candidate. They ask so much of students. We're all under 23 usually. Like just… idk please kill me. Idk how I got this far.
All I see is like everything wrong with my resume and me
I'm not sure how I'm gonna calm down tbh. I'm going to probably go to therapy again because they're nice people. The appointment themselves are calming and peaceful and help a little bit. I also finally am trying to see a psychiatrist. Just really hesitant. Part of me wonders if it's a waste of time as I'm so medication averse and I don't like a lot of healthcare workers either. So like wtf am I even doing lol.
I have more resume things to be worried about and everything is wrong with me honestly. I don't like hearing "loads of people graduate without x" or "I didn't do y and still got z" because that's cool but how is that relevant to me? I'm doing apparently some of the same things everyone else has done and it's started awful. My response rate is low and I think it's like confirming everything bad about me.
So in conclusion yeah. Summer is over! What a terrible 4 months. I learned a lot and reset 90% of my progress with mental health. Just beautiful. I got the "cybersecurity" internship and it was still mid. Do recruiters only care if you have enterprise/F500s, managed incident response even though you're an effing intern, have a 4.0, president of a club and more? Hmm, maybe not all of those, but at least one of those.
Please end me already lol
I really hope I can come back in 6-12 months laughing at my past self. I could also be worse than ever. We'll see! So far looking like the latter
Also I can not believe I've never injured myself due to self harm or more. It would make more sense if I had.
I'm actually going to doctors rn for health stuff. I'm starting to believe nothing is physically wrong with me. My mental health and lifestyle are just that bad.
End of vent. I'm so sorry I've just been crashing out weekly, all summer. A few days ago I think I actually lost my mind. I understand a little bit about madness now.
I am so sorry ya'll. Goodbye. I hope your days are going better than mine
So my penultimate year of school starts next year. Uni is so bad for my mental health. On top of that I have to gear up for round 2 of the internship hunt. Isn't it so fun how you hardly got 4 weeks to celebrate this stuff back in winter semester (Jan-April) and instantly had to start worrying again! I now think in terms of like week to week and all I see is every mistake and every missed opportunity. I act like something is a long time ago if it happened at the end of July and etc. I am losing it! Let's not even talk about first and second year.
I feel like now I know how stupid I am.
On the one hand I think I might have found a better direction that suits me. On the other hand I've sent 24 applications in after 5 weeks. I know this is nothing but it still really hurts. I see people around me getting OAs and recruiters talking to them, and I started in the middle of July so it's just not fun. I am like seeing the mistakes I've made and yeah I just realize I'm a bad candidate. They ask so much of students. We're all under 23 usually. Like just… idk please kill me. Idk how I got this far.
All I see is like everything wrong with my resume and me
I'm not sure how I'm gonna calm down tbh. I'm going to probably go to therapy again because they're nice people. The appointment themselves are calming and peaceful and help a little bit. I also finally am trying to see a psychiatrist. Just really hesitant. Part of me wonders if it's a waste of time as I'm so medication averse and I don't like a lot of healthcare workers either. So like wtf am I even doing lol.
I have more resume things to be worried about and everything is wrong with me honestly. I don't like hearing "loads of people graduate without x" or "I didn't do y and still got z" because that's cool but how is that relevant to me? I'm doing apparently some of the same things everyone else has done and it's started awful. My response rate is low and I think it's like confirming everything bad about me.
So in conclusion yeah. Summer is over! What a terrible 4 months. I learned a lot and reset 90% of my progress with mental health. Just beautiful. I got the "cybersecurity" internship and it was still mid. Do recruiters only care if you have enterprise/F500s, managed incident response even though you're an effing intern, have a 4.0, president of a club and more? Hmm, maybe not all of those, but at least one of those.
Please end me already lol
I really hope I can come back in 6-12 months laughing at my past self. I could also be worse than ever. We'll see! So far looking like the latter
Also I can not believe I've never injured myself due to self harm or more. It would make more sense if I had.
I'm actually going to doctors rn for health stuff. I'm starting to believe nothing is physically wrong with me. My mental health and lifestyle are just that bad.
End of vent. I'm so sorry I've just been crashing out weekly, all summer. A few days ago I think I actually lost my mind. I understand a little bit about madness now.
I am so sorry ya'll. Goodbye. I hope your days are going better than mine
