At this point I am considering breaking up with my boy-friend, but I really have a hard time deciding about it. We know each other since 2009, were first good friends and have been together for more than 15 years now. He is the only person I have ever loved. And he really is a nice guy. I still like him a lot and don't want to lose him. We got to know each other through an online forum for people who are into using drugs and when we started hanging out together we both took plenty of different drugs.
However, as we grew older our drug use developped in different directions: As I eventually got into a career that came with a lot of responsibility for other people I cut down my drug use dramatically, mostly just vaping a bit of weed before going to bed during the week and maybe taking something else on Friday or Saturday night only. Currently I barely consume any drugs at all because of medical problems. In contrast my boy-friend who had always liked amphetamines a lot took more and more of them as he enjoys his work as a programmer more, if he is on them. He also has ADHD, so it is probably a sort of self-medication. And he also got used to drinking more and more alcohol. Usually he drinks beer only, but he still drinks every day. Things really escalated since early 2024, because from then on he was either unemployed or had a job that allowed him to work 100% from home and lived by himself (before he had lived with flat mates). The problem is that the amphetamines cause him to have very little interest in other people, he basically just wants to do something on his computer and doesn't care for anything else. Once he comes down he then sleeps for days to make up for lost sleep. After that he starts a new cycle. Due to his lifestyle he often doens't answer the phone or even read messages for days on end, sometimes exceeding a week that he doesn't react to anything at all. Obviously at some point I get worried that something happend to him. Therefore I explained several times that he should please check his phone more often, but he just doesn't care. The last time I talked about it with him he said, that I also leave for travelling by myself. But the difference is that I still react to messages within a day at most. But he just doesn't understand or doesn't care.
Also even when we meet he is not interested in anything. The last few years he would mostly come to my appartment on Saturday and stay there till Sunday night or Monday morning, but most of the time he would simply sleep and not be interested in doing anything. When I ask him, if we wants to hang out with common friends, most of the time he doesn't come, because he prefers to sleep. Also it is hard to plan activities with him, because he basically doesn't want to do anything. He also neglects basic self care. Often I have to remind him to brush his teeth, because he just doesn't do it for days on end and I find it disgusting to kiss someone who doesn't even brush his teeth. He often walks around in dirty clothes. And although I am really not a person who cares much about appearances I find his behaviour quite extreme. It's similar with his appartment, it is really hard to even find a clean plate for eating something, if I go there, because he doesn't clean anything at all. And I am certainly not a person who is into cleaning. Therefore for the most part I avoided even visting him and just asked him to come to my place.
Although I have been unhappy about these things for quite a while I somehow managed to organise my life around it and deal with it, but the last few months really brought me to a point where I am less and less willing to accept his behaviour any more. It first started with him deciding spontanously to leave me alone on a common trip to Africa, because he decided he had enough and wanted to go back home to take amphetamines and start programming again. So I was suddenly stuck in a place by myself that I really didn't want to travel on my own, because it is just not safe without a car and renting a car by myself just didn't make sense. So I had to change my whole trip because of his spontanous decision, causing me to lose several hundred dollars. Then I got quite sick and lost my voice, causing me to come back to my home country. I had hoped that my boy-friend would be supportive and although he allowed me to crash at his place for a couple of weeks he really reacted in a very negative way when I felt bad. He basically just told me that I exaggerate and always see the negative side of things despite me feeling really down, because I was in almost constant pain for months and could barely talk for several months and still have trouble talking more than a few minutes a day without the pain increasing a lot.
Since I have my own appartment again I mostly avoid meeting him and don't message him much, unless he does so first. Last week he sent me a whats app telling me he is feeling bad. When I asked what was up, he complained about the fact that the way I feel affects him and therefore he doesn't feel good. But it seems he doesn't even bother to think how I feel! It seems that his drinking and amphetamine consumption killed all his empathy. It is incredibly frustrating. I really can't deal with this any longer. Especially as he doesn't even see any problem with his behaviour. For him everything is fine.
I should probably get out of this relationsship. It is simply heartbreaking, because when we were together travelling through Africa everything was fine for the most part (that is till he decided he had enough of it). He still drank way too much alcohol, but for the most part we still had a good time, because he could at least not be on amphetamines. It is so sad, because I would wish to get my boy-friend back the way he was before he started being constantly on amphetamines and alcohol. But at this point it seems extremely unlikely to happen.
One thing that makes breaking up really difficult for me is that I doubt I will ever have another relationship. Not because I couldn't find another person I can love as much or because I think I am too ugly or too weird for anyone to find me attractive. But for one thing I am a really independent minded person. Therefore many things that most people expect in a relationsship like eventually living together are off the table for me. And I am unwilling to compromise when it comes to that. It wouldn't feel safe for me. After escaping my abusive father I promised myself that I would never again allow myself to be put in a situation like that. So I need my own space to feel safe.
The other thing is that I can't imagine having to get used to have sex with another man. It took me years to be able to enjoy having sex with my boy-friend without being completely drugged. Even then most of the time I still consumed cannabis before having sex. I mean probably it wouldn't be as bad again as it was in the beginning of the relationsship with my boy-friend when I still had intrusive memories of my parents having sex in front of me when my boy-friend and I had sex. After all I don't really think much about my past any more. But still the whole sex thing is a good reason to not even consider ever having another relationship, especially as most people are really into having sex when they first fall in love with someone and only start losing interest after quite some time.
However, as we grew older our drug use developped in different directions: As I eventually got into a career that came with a lot of responsibility for other people I cut down my drug use dramatically, mostly just vaping a bit of weed before going to bed during the week and maybe taking something else on Friday or Saturday night only. Currently I barely consume any drugs at all because of medical problems. In contrast my boy-friend who had always liked amphetamines a lot took more and more of them as he enjoys his work as a programmer more, if he is on them. He also has ADHD, so it is probably a sort of self-medication. And he also got used to drinking more and more alcohol. Usually he drinks beer only, but he still drinks every day. Things really escalated since early 2024, because from then on he was either unemployed or had a job that allowed him to work 100% from home and lived by himself (before he had lived with flat mates). The problem is that the amphetamines cause him to have very little interest in other people, he basically just wants to do something on his computer and doesn't care for anything else. Once he comes down he then sleeps for days to make up for lost sleep. After that he starts a new cycle. Due to his lifestyle he often doens't answer the phone or even read messages for days on end, sometimes exceeding a week that he doesn't react to anything at all. Obviously at some point I get worried that something happend to him. Therefore I explained several times that he should please check his phone more often, but he just doesn't care. The last time I talked about it with him he said, that I also leave for travelling by myself. But the difference is that I still react to messages within a day at most. But he just doesn't understand or doesn't care.
Also even when we meet he is not interested in anything. The last few years he would mostly come to my appartment on Saturday and stay there till Sunday night or Monday morning, but most of the time he would simply sleep and not be interested in doing anything. When I ask him, if we wants to hang out with common friends, most of the time he doesn't come, because he prefers to sleep. Also it is hard to plan activities with him, because he basically doesn't want to do anything. He also neglects basic self care. Often I have to remind him to brush his teeth, because he just doesn't do it for days on end and I find it disgusting to kiss someone who doesn't even brush his teeth. He often walks around in dirty clothes. And although I am really not a person who cares much about appearances I find his behaviour quite extreme. It's similar with his appartment, it is really hard to even find a clean plate for eating something, if I go there, because he doesn't clean anything at all. And I am certainly not a person who is into cleaning. Therefore for the most part I avoided even visting him and just asked him to come to my place.
Although I have been unhappy about these things for quite a while I somehow managed to organise my life around it and deal with it, but the last few months really brought me to a point where I am less and less willing to accept his behaviour any more. It first started with him deciding spontanously to leave me alone on a common trip to Africa, because he decided he had enough and wanted to go back home to take amphetamines and start programming again. So I was suddenly stuck in a place by myself that I really didn't want to travel on my own, because it is just not safe without a car and renting a car by myself just didn't make sense. So I had to change my whole trip because of his spontanous decision, causing me to lose several hundred dollars. Then I got quite sick and lost my voice, causing me to come back to my home country. I had hoped that my boy-friend would be supportive and although he allowed me to crash at his place for a couple of weeks he really reacted in a very negative way when I felt bad. He basically just told me that I exaggerate and always see the negative side of things despite me feeling really down, because I was in almost constant pain for months and could barely talk for several months and still have trouble talking more than a few minutes a day without the pain increasing a lot.
Since I have my own appartment again I mostly avoid meeting him and don't message him much, unless he does so first. Last week he sent me a whats app telling me he is feeling bad. When I asked what was up, he complained about the fact that the way I feel affects him and therefore he doesn't feel good. But it seems he doesn't even bother to think how I feel! It seems that his drinking and amphetamine consumption killed all his empathy. It is incredibly frustrating. I really can't deal with this any longer. Especially as he doesn't even see any problem with his behaviour. For him everything is fine.
I should probably get out of this relationsship. It is simply heartbreaking, because when we were together travelling through Africa everything was fine for the most part (that is till he decided he had enough of it). He still drank way too much alcohol, but for the most part we still had a good time, because he could at least not be on amphetamines. It is so sad, because I would wish to get my boy-friend back the way he was before he started being constantly on amphetamines and alcohol. But at this point it seems extremely unlikely to happen.
One thing that makes breaking up really difficult for me is that I doubt I will ever have another relationship. Not because I couldn't find another person I can love as much or because I think I am too ugly or too weird for anyone to find me attractive. But for one thing I am a really independent minded person. Therefore many things that most people expect in a relationsship like eventually living together are off the table for me. And I am unwilling to compromise when it comes to that. It wouldn't feel safe for me. After escaping my abusive father I promised myself that I would never again allow myself to be put in a situation like that. So I need my own space to feel safe.
The other thing is that I can't imagine having to get used to have sex with another man. It took me years to be able to enjoy having sex with my boy-friend without being completely drugged. Even then most of the time I still consumed cannabis before having sex. I mean probably it wouldn't be as bad again as it was in the beginning of the relationsship with my boy-friend when I still had intrusive memories of my parents having sex in front of me when my boy-friend and I had sex. After all I don't really think much about my past any more. But still the whole sex thing is a good reason to not even consider ever having another relationship, especially as most people are really into having sex when they first fall in love with someone and only start losing interest after quite some time.
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