Sometimes I think I am doing better, but...

[TylerDurdenGrace]

Please someone respond to this, I feel pathetic begging but I just need some sympathy about this, I'm feeling so horrible.

Sometimes I think I am doing better, but when I think about my life, my goals, about everything I am and all I do, I feel like I am failing at everything.

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I am fit, I have muscles and I'm at a healthy weight, but I feel like I'm failing at my fitness. Because I tell myself I will go to the gym and lift weights 4 times a week, but I only go 2 or 3 times. I tell myself I will go for a run twice a week, but I only end up running once every second week. I am failing.
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I am learning Spanish, and I have progressed from a year ago, but I feel like I'm failing at this. I am not consistent with my practice, and I seem to have a literal speech impediment that makes it extremely difficult to pronounce certain sounds in Spanish, like a stutter or something. And whenever I try to speak it, I get frustrated and hate myself and stop. I never speak for practice, I only read, listen and sometimes write. I have not made enough progress, I am failing.
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I have a girlfriend who I love and who loves me, long distance but she is coming to visit me soon from her country. But I have a problem, a problem I am so ashamed of I would rather die than admit it to her or to anyone. I have an issue with pornography, I have gotten down to using it maybe only once a week, but I know it would hurt my girlfriend so deeply. I want to finally stop and just never tell her (what she doesn't know can't hurt her...) but I can never seem to stop it totally. I am religious too and want to stop for this reason, but I am just not strong enough, I have been trying for 10 fucking years. I am so pathetic and loathsome.
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I am failing in my job. I make many mistakes. I am definitely the most punctual and dependable employee at my work in terms of attendance (have never missed a day) but I feel it's not enough to make up for my mistakes, even though my boss has never highlighted any serious issues. But I still feel like I'm failing.
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I am too tired to write more, but trust me, literally any possible facet of my life there is, I can tell you why I am failing in it. Everything. Social life, oral health, church attendance, discipline, mental health, creativity, musical skills, confidence, use of free time, sleep hygiene, appearance, fashion, I am failing at all of it. There is not a thing I feel is going well, or I am doing alright in. It's like I didn't realize this until today, I thought "well, I'm doing shit at this part of my life, but others are going well" but now I realized there is no part I can point to and honestly say I feel good about.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm really tired right now, but you do not sound pathetic. We all need somebody to lean on.

Join the The Darkly Divine Domain Discord Server!

Bodily Autonomy Absolutism | 15 members

discord.gg

I'm going to bed but I created a peer support recovery server you're free to join if you need a place to vent tonight.

 

[SaikiKusuo]

Oh man I have been there too. I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but sometimes I imagine that if I managed to achieve absolute perfection, I would still feel inadequate. Imagining it that way helps me give myself some lenience.
From what you have shared here, I don't believe you are failing at anything. You are having difficulties, of course, but not failing.
Are you able to see a therapist? It seems there are a lot of people on sasu that say therapy doesn't help them, but my therapist has been incredibly helpful for me, especially with stuff like this.
In any case, I feel for you, and I believe in you.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Oh man I have been there too. I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but sometimes I imagine that if I managed to achieve absolute perfection, I would still feel inadequate. Imagining it that way helps me give myself some lenience.
From what you have shared here, I don't believe you are failing at anything. You are having difficulties, of course, but not failing.
Are you able to see a therapist? It seems there are a lot of people on sasu that say therapy doesn't help them, but my therapist has been incredibly helpful for me, especially with stuff like this.
In any case, I feel for you, and I believe in you.

How did you find your therapist? What is their style like? In what way are they helpful? How long did you have to wait to even get treatment? Have you had any awful worthless useless therapists that made you feel like therapy was a complete scam before hand?

Sorry to interrogate, very curious