Leaving a child behind

[theend4me]

Hello, I've made the decision to end my life. I have fought for years, but it doesn't matter what I do. I'm just not meant for this life.
My family will not be affected by my passing. My biggest concerns are my 18 month old son, 20 & 22 year old daughters. I don't want to hurt them. I want to know my son will have a good life and be well cared for.
How do I ensure this? He has a good father, but don't think he will honor my requests for him. This concerns me. My daughters are not in the financial position to take him.

 

[tidalwxves]

"My family will not be affected by my passing. My biggest concerns are my 18 month old son, 20 & 22 year old daughters. I don't want to hurt them. I want to know my son will have a good life and be well cared for.
How do I ensure this? He has a good father, but don't think he will honor my requests for him. This concerns me."

Are your daughters, your son, and your son's father not family? Here's the thing, if you are going to leave him with this child, with no support then he gets to decide how that child is raised. This isn't an accidental death, this is a choice you are making. If it is that important to you that certain things happen in your child's upbringing, you need actually do them for your child and not expect other people to do it for you when that's not their responsibility. Your child's father's only responsibility if you leave is caring for the child, not catering to you when you aren't even present. Additionally, where is the concern for how your intentional absence will impact your child as he grows up? As much as you need to care for yourself, as much as you can't live for other people children are a big commitment, one you choose to take on. If you break that commitment by CTB, you are responsible for the consequences including that child not being raised in a manner you would prefer.

 

[whywere]

Hello! A few things 1st: 1) 1 wear my heart on my sleeve 2) I am NOT ctb OR pro-life, just sound decisions is all. Now here it goes: I do not know you so I will be somewhat guessing and/or my thoughts: 1) I am a FIRM believerer in helping and loving and caring for other people, now with a 18 month old son, I have wonder when the little boy gets old enought to ask about "mommy", will it make the rest of his life a mess, make him more ctb???? I do not know and neither does anyone else, NO ONE can see into the future.2) how does it effect the 2 daughters with their little brother? 3) NOW, like I have said before I am NOT ctb OR pro-life at all, just sound decisons NOW and for the FUTURE. I LOVE and CARE and have all the EMPATHY in this world for you. I just want you to make a sound decison is all. let me say that I am VERY SORRY if I have ruffled any feathers, that was/is NOT my way and /or being, I just want the best for EVERYBODY. So please do not zing/burn me too bad.I REALLY DO CARE,LOVE AND HAVE ALL THE EMAPTHY IN THIS AND THE NEXT WORLD FOR YOU.I have you in my thoughts and prayers that you are loved and cared for!!! You are ONE of our family here and I just want the best for you!!!!!

 

[Craig31ldn]

Dont leave children behind. I think you should start again. If there's an after life your suffering will be just beginning

 

[Ghost2211]

As a parent it's a personal choice. I do hope the people that the baby is left with would provide a good quality of life, but you can't expect them to respect your parenting model. Your baby is only 18 months old are you certain you're not just having postpartum issues?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm pro choice, everyone should have a choice. But your kids never had one when they were born. I really believe, if you put them into this world, it's your job to take care of them

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you should ask for help. Those kids deserve to grow with a mom.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I am here because my 25 yr old son died in a car accident on his way to work 3 years ago. I have created a new definition of depressed, grief, devastation since he died. My younger son turned 18 and moved out to my ex in laws a yr and half almost to the day of his brothers death. He could not handle the basket case I was when Joey died. I would give ANYTHING to have my kids home. ANYTHING to have Joey back. My life was my kids. I am nothing without my kids. I was going to check out oct 13th the 3 yr anniversary of Joey but my younger son reached out to me. We are working on our relationship and as soon as I can afford to go across state I'll be going to ex in laws and staying with my son. He even asked me to teach him how to drive. Had he not reached out when he did Oct 13th I would have been gone. He will be 20 in Jan. I felt I had driven him away is my devastation and I lost him forever. Thats not the case and ex in laws told me he needs me. We need eachother.

Having said that... once you decide to exit you no longer have a say in your sons life. His father has all the say. I'm not trying to be hard just being honest. You have the most precious gift in the entire world right there hun, a beautiful 18 month old son. I would sell my soul to satan to have one last hug and an I love you from my Joey. People here are very kind, very caring and understanding. Is there someone you feel maybe a small connection that you can reach out and talk about whats brought you here? is it possible to get help for whats going on? you have 2 daughters that need their mom and an 18 month old little boy who also needs you. Not just today but for the next 25+ years.

if you want you are more than welcome to message me to talk. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

The best way to ensure your child has a good life is to make sure they have a good life.

 

[theend4me]

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive group. My girls are too wrapped up in themselves to even notice that I'm gone.
my family abandoned me for the final time 2 years ago while I was pregnant.
My parents have been in & out of my life since I was a baby. I have no one and no support.
I tried to overcome my situation. I put myself through college when my girls were little. I forgave my family & let go of bitterness. I did a lot for my mom despite the hell she put me through.
Yet, they leave because I had an unplanned pregnancy. I'm easily disposable to everyone. How is that good for my son? I should still have a say about his life even if Im exiting. I don't believe it is a choice for me. I can't function here anymore.

 

[Aimed]

Dont leave children behind. I think you should start again. If there's an after life your suffering will be just beginning

Um that was a made up threat

 

[Dead beat dad]

Sister I feel your pain. To live in physical, mental and emotional agony and have to square the moral conundrum of having a child in the mix is utter torture.
For what it's worth the community here is very supportive, but many of us (myself included) are here in part because of our treatment by parents, and the child discussion is always emotive.
My Grandpoppa ctb when he was maybe 80 and it hurt my mom severely, so it's not just young children that will be hurt if a parent ctb.
In all honesty no one will understand, they will say they will and mean well (like this post) but no understand really.
I feel your pain sister and I hope that you can find a way to make peace with what you are thinking about doing.
I wish you love and peace friend, but most of all I wish you courage and strength and shine a light for all.
Most honest and sincere love and respect.
DBD

 

[Meditation guide]

my family abandoned me for the final time 2 years ago while I was pregnant.
My parents have been in & out of my life since I was a baby. I have no one and no support.
I tried to overcome my situation. I put myself through college when my girls were little. I forgave my family & let go of bitterness. I did a lot for my mom despite the hell she put me through.
Yet, they leave because I had an unplanned pregnancy. I'm easily disposable to everyone.

There is a lot of anger toward your family here.

If you can't go on any longer but are worried about your son that's a big problem. His father will get custody of him and there's nothing you can do about that except hope it all turns out ok.

 

[xLosthopex]

Woah I don't think OP needs a guilt trip here, someone who has made the decision to end their life has not made that decision lightly. We all have every right to end our own lives, in my opinion, no matter who we're leaving behind. And most of us I'm sure will be leaving many devastated people behind when go
Why is it always mothers who seem to get the most hate directed towards them when it comes to this topic?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

You can choose to live for the sake of someone else if you want to, but if you feel that your life is too painful to continue that is valid. imo it's okay to be selfish.

 

[Breadbfra]

I get that sometimes people hear children and they think that every way of ctbing iwith kids is wrong somehow.
The majority of you knows how strong are suicidal thoughts, especially for a mom. The self guilt tripping is atrocious too, because I'm pretty sure a mom would die for her kid. I completely understand that and this community should me more comprehensive to people who decide to ctb having kids. Not everyone has suicidal thoughts before marrying, having children, and maybe OP has gotten suicidal after having them.

I think the best thing you can do is try to get as help as possible. Try to get in therapy, try K treatments, antidepressants, if your suicidal thoughts are related to depression.
If your choice to ctb will still be there, then it's only your choice.
Make sure the father of your children is prepared enough to grow them up correctly, make sure they will truly understand your will to ctb.
I'm going to make a very very very long suicide note to explain the suffering I've been enduring so far, and you should do it too if you choose to pursue your willings to ctb.
This community should get more comprehensive to parents. My gf is a suicide survivor. She suffered a lot but she thinks her mother did the right thing someway.

 

[theend4me]

Sister I feel your pain. To live in physical, mental and emotional agony and have to square the moral conundrum of having a child in the mix is utter torture.
For what it's worth the community here is very supportive, but many of us (myself included) are here in part because of our treatment by parents, and the child discussion is always emotive.
My Grandpoppa ctb when he was maybe 80 and it hurt my mom severely, so it's not just young children that will be hurt if a parent ctb.
In all honesty no one will understand, they will say they will and mean well (like this post) but no understand really.
I feel your pain sister and I hope that you can find a way to make peace with what you are thinking about doing.
I wish you love and peace friend, but most of all I wish you courage and strength and shine a light for all.
Most honest and sincere love and respect.
DBD

Thank you. I experienced every type of abuse as a child . I've never hurt my kids or allowed anyone else to either. I honestly think my life would have been better if my mom was gone. She's never loved or cared about me.
I don't want to hurt my son. I can't bear the pain anymore. It is complete torture.

 

[tidalwxves]

I don't want to hurt my son.

I don't say this to shame, I say this because it is a fact: Suicide will hurt your son, it will hurt your son deeply in a way that will impact him for the rest of his life. That isn't an avoidable aspect of this. That doesn't mean we dislike you, or want you to suffer. We can offer you support, but it would be wrong to lie to you and pretend that the death of a parent doesn't impact a child.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive group. My girls are too wrapped up in themselves to even notice that I'm gone.
my family abandoned me for the final time 2 years ago while I was pregnant.
My parents have been in & out of my life since I was a baby. I have no one and no support.
I tried to overcome my situation. I put myself through college when my girls were little. I forgave my family & let go of bitterness. I did a lot for my mom despite the hell she put me through.
Yet, they leave because I had an unplanned pregnancy. I'm easily disposable to everyone. How is that good for my son? I should still have a say about his life even if Im exiting. I don't believe it is a choice for me. I can't function here anymore.

It's a community. Communities support by proximity and sometimes directly, but sometimes the kind of support you need isn't encouragement or confirmation. From what you've shared, it seems as if most of your issues stem from the people around you. I would label these people as toxic influences. Have you ever lived away from your "family"? Just you and your kids? I think if you have a history of abuse and you are still in contact with those people in some way then that's a really good starting point to try to address. I had to move away from my abusive mother for years to finally understand why it was that I was the way I was and how to fix that.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive group. My girls are too wrapped up in themselves to even notice that I'm gone.
my family abandoned me for the final time 2 years ago while I was pregnant.
My parents have been in & out of my life since I was a baby. I have no one and no support.
I tried to overcome my situation. I put myself through college when my girls were little. I forgave my family & let go of bitterness. I did a lot for my mom despite the hell she put me through.
Yet, they leave because I had an unplanned pregnancy. I'm easily disposable to everyone. How is that good for my son? I should still have a say about his life even if Im exiting. I don't believe it is a choice for me. I can't function here anymore.

This group is very supportive in many ways. One things it does help to talk about whats going on. I didn't imagine how much it helped until I did it. as @RoseyBird mentioned- maybe go see if you have post partum. Cut your mom out. Don't even dwell on her. You aren't disposable. Have you tried therapy? anti depressants? try everything you can before you choose to leave. Do it for your son. Your daughters are 20 & 22 they're still young. They're experiencing being young enjoying life. About 25 they will want their mom. My offer is always available to you, please feel free to message me to talk. I'm not judging you or trying to be hard on you.

 

[Weather]

I want to know my son will have a good life and be well cared for. How do I ensure this? He has a good father, but don't think he will honor my requests for him.

As others have said, there is likely nothing you can do apart from remaining alive. If his father was a bad parent, then I would leave documentation of that as well as a request in your will of who you would like to have custody, that you support them in seeking a legal custody order, and that your estate is to be used for legal fees in pursuing that. But that's not what you're saying. He has a good father who makes different parenting choices than you. Legally, you cannot require him to follow your wishes; ethically, I don't know that you could guilt him into it (even if that would work).

You obviously love your children, but are in pain. You want what is best for them, and you know that you are best for them, at least implicitly, as you believe your parenting choices would create a better life for your son that his father's parenting choices. I see you. This is hard. I think, as others have written above, you owe it to yourself and your children to explore whatever options you can. See about post-partum depression; remove your mother (your whole family of origin) from your and your son's lives.

 

[MsMaudlin]

OP I'm in a very similar situation to you.

I haven't read the replies because a quick skim through made me feel really guilty.

The hardest thing ever is contemplating leaving a child, I think in my situation it's better for me not to be there than fuck the childs life up anymore.

❤

 

[tidalwxves]

OP I'm in a very similar situation to you.

I haven't read the replies because a quick skim through made me feel really guilty.

The hardest thing ever is contemplating leaving a child, I think in my situation it's better for me not to be there than fuck the childs life up anymore.

❤

Just because people are being honest doesn't mean we are attacking. If people being honest with you about the impact of your decision and it makes you feel guilty, its likely a bad decision. While tone can be misinterpreted, the overall attitude in this thread is empathetic but realistic. Just because you want to believe it will benefit your child doesn't mean that's true and it would be very bad to lie just to make you more comfortable in the short term. It doesn't benefit you or your child for us pretend with you. Sometimes people need a wake up call, the only thing we can do is be as respectful as possible when we give it. The impact is guaranteed to be negative, whether that stops someone from CTB or not is an entirely different discussion.

 

[Ghost2211]

Op, I have kids too ages 2, 6, and 9. I understand the struggle, and that guilt of what leaving them behind would consist of is what keeps me going. I support whatever choice you make. You are the only one living your life, not us. I won't sugar coat what it will do to the kids though. We get a lot of parents here that want to hear it will be ok and kids will get over it, but I can't do that. I look at their little faces every day and weigh my pain against it. They win every day. It's hard, and it hurts. It feels trapped and painful. I'm sorry you're enduring this hell. I know how it feels. Only you can make this choice, and if you can't keep going you're not a bad person. We are human too.

 

[Lilacmoon]

That sounds like a hard situation, op. I hope you find an answer that can sit well with you, I don't have any advice to help out.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Op, I have kids too ages 2, 6, and 9. I understand the struggle, and that guilt of what leaving them behind would consist of is what keeps me going. I support whatever choice you make. You are the only one living your life, not us. I won't sugar coat what it will do to the kids though. We get a lot of parents here that want to hear it will be ok and kids will get over it, but I can't do that. I look at their little faces every day and weigh my pain against it. They win every day. It's hard, and it hurts. It feels trapped and painful. I'm sorry you're enduring this hell. I know how it feels. Only you can make this choice, and if you can't keep going you're not a bad person. We are human too.

Amen to this sister.

Love and respect

DBD

 

[Mercury6737]

I have fought for years, but it doesn't matter what I do.

How/why did you end up with an 18 month old baby?

How do I ensure this?

By staying alive. By having dependents, you "waive your rights" to all CTB options. That is just my opinion, of course. This might very well be one of those "not thinking rationally" cases. Imagine actually floating the idea of leaving your 18 month old son to your young adult daughters lol. Time to seek professional help, OP.

 

[Jean Améry]

I don't see how it would be possible unless your husband elects to carry out your wishes. When you die he becomes the sole guardian so he can pretty much do whatever he wants, within the boundaries of the law of course. I doubt there's any way your wishes could be made enforcable but if you want to be certain you should see an attorney.

It seems you went through hell. I'm sorry about that. Perhaps talking about it here might help.

My own mother tried to kill herself and it pretty much wrecked me. She didn't even die and it broke something in me: ever since I've regarded my life as two completely different chapters. Before (happy) and after (depressed and miserable). What you're contemplating will very likely have major consequences for your children.

 

[FITALL]

In most cases, the act of suicide is going to hurt someone. A mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, friend, coworker, etc etc etc. will be grief stricken.
As we all know, the process of coming to this decision (regardless of who is being left behind) is gut wrenching. When the decision involves leaving behind a minor child - the process is downright grueling. I have two minor children. My goal is to continue living until they are older and independent. I don't know if I'll make it, but so far it's worked. But, that is MY decision. That is what I can live with. Each of us has to make our own decision. We have to weigh the pros/cons of leaving now vs. waiting and there are many many variables to consider. Having said that, I firmly believe that I have no right to judge someone else's decision.

Personally, being an "older" member (in my 40s) I find it far more saddening to see so many young people in so much pain that it's led them here.
We all expect to one day bury our parents. However, as a parent myself, I don't expect to ever bury my children.
Having to bury a child would absolutely DEVASTATE me. Where as having to bury a parent (although difficult) is just part of life.

 

[SunnyDaze]

If you make the decision to end your life, you will no longer get a say in how your son is raised. You are giving up that right by choice. Sorry, but that's reality. The father will raise your son the way he deems best.
If you'd like a say in how your son is raised, I suggest sticking around. If you think leaving is best, then so be it. But your decision will have a huge impact on your sons life, as well as your girls'. I'm truly sorry you're in so much pain and I extend the biggest of hugs to you.

 

[AmDead]

Personally, if my mom were to suicide after I was born, I would have wanted my mother to kill me too.