Stuck in the past, can’t move on

[fsociety]

Hello lovely community!

First of all I wanna say thanks that this forum exists.. I'm going through hell since 1/2 year and the first 2 month I was posting on Reddit and barely anyone answered. The people here are angels and so empathic, I'm thankful for everyone reading my topics and taking the time to answer!

I wanna keep the introduction short because there is nothing to talk about it anymore. 1/2 year ago I lost the best girl I've ever had. I'm 31 years old so I know what I'm talking about and I know what I lost.. Few months ago, my father died and my best friend canceled our friendship because I didn't value it enough at that time (there is more into that and understandable, I took him for granted like I did with my ex-gf).

1/2 year ago my life was perfekt, since ever. I had never depression or crisis and everything went good. So this is my first time dealing with too many things to handle, since I never learned to go through hard times..

I read a lot in this forum and sometimes feel like a hypocrite because there are people who struggle since years.. But that doesn't make me feel better, living 31 years a nearly perfect life and now everything is going down and taken away from me is hard. I would prefer living 31 through hell and now have a good life till I die..

What's left: 2 good friends, with one of them I can do a lot of stuff and activities and the other one I see once a month and talk mostly via chat. A mother who is always there for me and a job (I'm a male nurse) where everyone respects me and "love" me. And a brother who is always there for me and is even willing to pay for a holiday together this summer..

But I'm not the same person I was, I'm someone who I never thought I would be. Everyday is the same. Going to work, go home, drink alcohol daily to feel slightly better and rotting my life away.. I was put on 5 different meds since that all happened which I cut down to only benzos (Xanax) once a day to calm down and sleep.. The Med never did a huge effect in my opinion so I didn't want to go through life being antidepressants addict. Sounds stupid when I'm drinking alcohol daily I know, but at least the meds are cut down..

The big problem is, everyday, every minute I think of before 1/2 year and know everything was beautiful in my life and I loved it.. I can't get over the loss and my mind keeps reminding me the whole time.. I wish I could shut down my thought and just go on, but I can't.. How to stop that shit? I'm not dumb, I know that doesn't help, but I really can't control my thoughts..

I have no problems with getting to know other girls through Tinder or other apps, mostly I tell them how I depressed I am and what's going on. A lot of girls even try to "safe" me. I guess it's a bonus when a guy can talk about feelings and emotions.. But I want nothing of all that, I want my life back, my girlfriend back and everything I had 1/2 year ago..

I thought suicide is an option for me because I rather stop life when everything was good and not continue living this hell where I think everyday of what I lost.. But unfortunately the SI is there and I really can't do it.. But I wish every day for an accident that kills me.. I'm also in therapy which helps a little bit but can't bring me back my good life I had.. So I don't even know what I'm expecting from answers here since I know nothing will bring my old life and old me back.. But I really don't know how to continue..

Also I know when I start again meeting girls I always compare them to my (in my eyes perfect ex), but that doesn't get me nowhere..

What I expect posting this all?
I expect the 1,2 sentences that makes my life good again, that make me think "aaah, yes, I should be happy and move one", but I also know that's impossible.. I could change things in my life, meeting girls again till I find one compatible again, meeting old friends agains an making new friendships, going to gym and make my body look athletic again and feel good about myself and gain some self-confidence.. But all of that is nothing that I want, I just want my old life back, which is never going to happen… I'm just scared that my life will be a pure hell from now and in a few years I'm thinking I should have already killed myself because it's only going down from now on..

Thanks for everyone reading this and taking the time to give an answer

 

[WhenTheyCry]

Time doesn't heal all wounds...

 

[KillingPain267]

Hello lovely community!

First of all I wanna say thanks that this forum exists.. I'm going through hell since 1/2 year and the first 2 month I was posting on Reddit and barely anyone answered. The people here are angels and so empathic, I'm thankful for everyone reading my topics and taking the time to answer!

I wanna keep the introduction short because there is nothing to talk about it anymore. 1/2 year ago I lost the best girl I've ever had. I'm 31 years old so I know what I'm talking about and I know what I lost.. Few months ago, my father died and my best friend canceled our friendship because I didn't value it enough at that time (there is more into that and understandable, I took him for granted like I did with my ex-gf).

1/2 year ago my life was perfekt, since ever. I had never depression or crisis and everything went good. So this is my first time dealing with too many things to handle, since I never learned to go through hard times..

I read a lot in this forum and sometimes feel like a hypocrite because there are people who struggle since years.. But that doesn't make me feel better, living 31 years a nearly perfect life and now everything is going down and taken away from me is hard. I would prefer living 31 through hell and now have a good life till I die..

What's left: 2 good friends, with one of them I can do a lot of stuff and activities and the other one I see once a month and talk mostly via chat. A mother who is always there for me and a job (I'm a male nurse) where everyone respects me and "love" me. And a brother who is always there for me and is even willing to pay for a holiday together this summer..

But I'm not the same person I was, I'm someone who I never thought I would be. Everyday is the same. Going to work, go home, drink alcohol daily to feel slightly better and rotting my life away.. I was put on 5 different meds since that all happened which I cut down to only benzos (Xanax) once a day to calm down and sleep.. The Med never did a huge effect in my opinion so I didn't want to go through life being antidepressants addict. Sounds stupid when I'm drinking alcohol daily I know, but at least the meds are cut down..

The big problem is, everyday, every minute I think of before 1/2 year and know everything was beautiful in my life and I loved it.. I can't get over the loss and my mind keeps reminding me the whole time.. I wish I could shut down my thought and just go on, but I can't.. How to stop that shit? I'm not dumb, I know that doesn't help, but I really can't control my thoughts..

I have no problems with getting to know other girls through Tinder or other apps, mostly I tell them how I depressed I am and what's going on. A lot of girls even try to "safe" me. I guess it's a bonus when a guy can talk about feelings and emotions.. But I want nothing of all that, I want my life back, my girlfriend back and everything I had 1/2 year ago..

I thought suicide is an option for me because I rather stop life when everything was good and not continue living this hell where I think everyday of what I lost.. But unfortunately the SI is there and I really can't do it.. But I wish every day for an accident that kills me.. I'm also in therapy which helps a little bit but can't bring me back my good life I had.. So I don't even know what I'm expecting from answers here since I know nothing will bring my old life and old me back.. But I really don't know how to continue..

Also I know when I start again meeting girls I always compare them to my (in my eyes perfect ex), but that doesn't get me nowhere..

What I expect posting this all?
I expect the 1,2 sentences that makes my life good again, that make me think "aaah, yes, I should be happy and move one", but I also know that's impossible.. I could change things in my life, meeting girls again till I find one compatible again, meeting old friends agains an making new friendships, going to gym and make my body look athletic again and feel good about myself and gain some self-confidence.. But all of that is nothing that I want, I just want my old life back, which is never going to happen… I'm just scared that my life will be a pure hell from now and in a few years I'm thinking I should have already killed myself because it's only going down from now on..

Thanks for everyone reading this and taking the time to give an answer

When you found a solution, let me know, because I'm going through the exact same thing. It's currently sunny here where I am, and somehow that reminds me even more of my old perfect life. I cry every day. At first I used opioid pills to get high, and drinking to just forget, but that quickly became a problem and makes things worse. So I advise you to stop drinking and also stop benzos. That shit is extremely addictive and you will have to go to judgmental treatment centers soon. And society will think it's your drinking that CAUSED her to leave, lol. But yeah, what can we do? Only choice so far is to endure pain every day or end it life for good. I have no other advice.

 

[fsociety]

Time doesn't heal all wounds...

Are you sure? Are you sure in a few years with some changes I still grief the loss what I had? Sounds awful mate..

When you found a solution, let me know, because I'm going through the exact same thing. It's currently sunny here where I am, and somehow that reminds me even more of my old perfect life. I cry every day. At first I used opioid pills to get high, and drinking to just forget, but that quickly became a problem and makes things worse. So I advise you to stop drinking and also stop benzos. That shit is extremely addictive and you will have to go to judgmental treatment centers soon. And society will think it's your drinking that CAUSED her to leave, lol. But yeah, what can we do? Only choice so far is to endure pain every day or end it life for good. I have no other advice.

Sent you a private message!

 

[WhenTheyCry]

Are you sure? Are you sure in a few years with some changes I still grief the loss what I had? Sounds awful mate..

Sorry, that was just me being negative. The brain is plastic, you can mold yourself however you want with enough effort. That said, it's been 5+ years for me and I still haven't gotten past through some of the things I've experienced.

 

[fsociety]

R

Sorry, that was just me being negative. The brain is plastic, you can mold yourself however you want with enough effort. That said, it's been 5+ years for me and I still haven't gotten past through some of the things I've experienced.

Thats okay, I know being negative :)
Yeah, what you feed your brain, that's what you get. I'm sorry what you've been through and I hope everything's is going better for you in the future :)