My mental health including intolerable dissociation has been on a bleak, precipitous downturn just as I've restarted uni - I've already dropped out once and have now missed the first week. I've been avoiding home as in addition to huge suicidal ideation I was recently having really disturbing intrusive homicidal ideation of 'taking my parents with me' (I reported this to the Crisis Team on several occasions) as I imagine how they'd cope (I'm an only child and we're very close) and am genuinely really scared to go back, and can't stand myself now as I feel that these thoughts are totally abhorrent. I've booked two days in a hotel and bought a belt and a necktie, neither of which I've had any success with (partial - I simply can't seem to pass out). Now running out of time. I suspect that nobody is allowed to advise me here which is fair enough, but if there's anywhere you can point me I'd really appreciate it,
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Volo vent
Member
- Sep 20, 2021
- 62
Really hard in that condition im quite againts belt method because is hard to archive but if you are going to do it anyway then just tie hard to the door belt and wait for the end
fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
Sorry to hear about your current condition. Yeah rope would be much better, a thick one and one that is soft but doesn't stretch and is not hurtful to touch, because this ones don't make a good slipknots. It would be better to use rope as rope won't break, and belt might. I tried rope and I was passing out really fast. It was so easy It is hard for me not to try again.
Thanks for all your hugs, guys. For the record I'm a profoundly non-violent guy and only have those thoughts about my parents because I've been through the pain they will feel when I'm gone so many times in my head and heart. 
fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
No worries, I had this types of thoughts too. It was at that moment I decided it was time to leave for me.Thanks for all your hugs, guys. For the record I'm a profoundly non-violent guy and only have those thoughts about my parents because I've been through the pain they will feel when I'm gone so many times in my head and heart.
Yes, believe it or not I am anti-suicide for the overwhelming majority of cases, I recognise the huge pain and disruption it causes! I do have certain red lines though, and the potential for harming my parents, real or not, is one of them.
fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
Are you sure you cannot get help? I mean maybe you are not hopeless case. Maybe there are stuff you can do. Can you cry? Can you feel emotions? It is important, please tell me.
Thanks for your concern, you're doing the right & responsible thing. I have had an incredible amount of help which has been really useful, but my psychiatric illness has got much worse for 13 years, even though I've pretty much followed the textbook with regards to asking for help. What about you my dude? What's made you convinced there's no other way? You could always be wrong!
Also - any hope for success? Don't comment if it's not allowed of course!
Also - any hope for success? Don't comment if it's not allowed of course!
fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
I feel broken man, I tried psychiatry a little bit. I mean I have been there10 times already and took different medications. I want to die so I can forget and never live through traumas again. I am sorry it didn't work out for you. I cannot say if it's gonna work or no.
Whale_bones
A gift to summon the spring
- Feb 11, 2020
- 474
If you've been through a lot of treatment already then you probably know this, but just a reminder from a fellow long-term treatment peer (17+ years now) that intrusive thoughts always, always get worse the harder you try to make them go away. Even though that seems like the natural thing to do, concentrating on how to make them go away makes your brain latch on to them and repeat them over and over, and only by just acknowledging them and letting them pass through will they start to lessen and then cease.
Now, I know that's waaaaay easier said than done, when you've got these intense horrific thoughts and it's only logical to examine them to try to figure out if they're actually going to happen, but once this phenomenon was studied it was found that the counterintuitive approach is actually what helps resolve them. Like I say, you may have heard this all already, but I know I'd never have found out unless someone told me so I'm sharing it just in case. You don't deserve to feel guilty for your brain producing thoughts that have nothing to do with your moral compass.
It's even super common for new moms to have instances of intrusive thoughts of randomly hurting their newborn; like suddenly dropping them or putting them in the microwave! And these are moms that were followed up in the studies and never went on to hurt their child in any way, and were in fact very protective of them. Human brains just have this phenomenon where they conjure up the worst scenario for us; it's why we don't get intrusive thoughts of having a really nice, peaceful afternoon on the beach. Ha, but seriously though, I know it's hell when they're coming one after the other and I really, really hope it eases up for you soon.
Now, I know that's waaaaay easier said than done, when you've got these intense horrific thoughts and it's only logical to examine them to try to figure out if they're actually going to happen, but once this phenomenon was studied it was found that the counterintuitive approach is actually what helps resolve them. Like I say, you may have heard this all already, but I know I'd never have found out unless someone told me so I'm sharing it just in case. You don't deserve to feel guilty for your brain producing thoughts that have nothing to do with your moral compass.
It's even super common for new moms to have instances of intrusive thoughts of randomly hurting their newborn; like suddenly dropping them or putting them in the microwave! And these are moms that were followed up in the studies and never went on to hurt their child in any way, and were in fact very protective of them. Human brains just have this phenomenon where they conjure up the worst scenario for us; it's why we don't get intrusive thoughts of having a really nice, peaceful afternoon on the beach. Ha, but seriously though, I know it's hell when they're coming one after the other and I really, really hope it eases up for you soon.
Thanks so much for your comment! This was certainly my approach for a few years with these thoughts in the background, but I'm fairly sure that now I'm truly acutely suicidal, they're now progressing to actual 'ideation' (utterly repulsive to me though that is) - which is simply unacceptable to me as I'm sure you can imagine!
LittleBlackCat
Specialist
- Feb 6, 2020
- 314
AnotherTragicName
Member
- Sep 10, 2021
- 83
Hey, I just read that you passed out? So why are you not dead, then? I would really like to make myself passout as an attempt to partial hanging, but I'm afraid it will be final, then.
I'm quite keen on attempting this too but not as a means of end... curiosity... I like the idea of this method... and sn of course... just a bit worried about ordering it to the UK...
Still here guys - unfortunately? Fortunately? Felt 100% like I was in a dream pretty much the whole day. Got an OCD diagnosis in the afternoon after I took myself to a crisis team. Hope you're all well!
fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
Oh you still alive! Maybe It will get better after all?
I almost passed out, I started to pass out. I tried to hang myself 4 times today AGAIN but cannot do It because of SI. I am afraid to make another goodbye thread. think I will try again today.
Really glad to hear you got some help. I know you will have heard this before but ocd thoughts are just thoughts and actually very common. And those who get them, which i have had for years, often get obsessive thoughts of the thing that is the most repulsive to us. The example given before of new mothers having thoughts of harming their babies is very common even though they love their child and would never in a million years hurt them. Our brains can be cruely disfunctional in this way, some chance miswiring perhaps.
They're just thoughts no matter how awful. Its not real, just like writing a script for a horrific movie isn't real, its imaginary. You don't deserve to feel guilty for a brain glich you have never acted on.
They're just thoughts no matter how awful. Its not real, just like writing a script for a horrific movie isn't real, its imaginary. You don't deserve to feel guilty for a brain glich you have never acted on.
Whale_bones
A gift to summon the spring
- Feb 11, 2020
- 474
You are strong. Going in somewhere when feeling so suicidal is a huge task. I know for myself I've had to literally force myself to take each step. I am glad to hear you're still with us because the situation you were in last night was one where you had to be rushed. It was far from a calm and ideal setting, which is what I want for those of us that have to consider this huge decision.
I've heard of a type of OCD that is different than the classic type, where instead of causing rituals that manifest as repeated activities, it causes rituals of repeated thoughts. I wonder if that is what they diagnosed you with? I'm not super familiar with it, but if I remember correctly it was identified pretty recently, atleast in comparison to things like the classic type of OCD or Bipolar Disorder or other more well-known disorders.
Maybe there's a new treatment they've found for it; that's always my hope, even after 17+ years of treatment I've always got my fingers crossed that scientific advancements and technology will come through for me. I mean, I wouldn't bet money on it, but 100 years from now they'll probably just have a chip they can insert into our brains to rewire it, and then all we need is the time machine to get that technology to us *now*, right?
Really trying to source SN in the UK now, which is proving fiendishly difficult
aristotle is ok
time to reflect & accept
- Oct 11, 2021
- 25
Insofar as TIPS go
I'm sure it is customary at some of the upscale facilities, if you are in London. Otherwise most of the time it's included in your bill.
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Don't hurt them.Thanks for all your hugs, guys. For the record I'm a profoundly non-violent guy and only have those thoughts about my parents because I've been through the pain they will feel when I'm gone so many times in my head and heart.
aristotle is ok
time to reflect & accept
- Oct 11, 2021
- 25
I have 2 things to say. Maybe 3 or 4. So first DON'T DO IT DEVIN! also, my sophomore year in college I attended 1 lecture the entire semester. I managed a D and 3 F's. I was poor and on a full scholarship, convinced that I would be expelled or at least lose the scholarship. I went to see the Dean and told him everyting, my drug use, my alcoholism, etc. He recommended I take a semester or 2 away to get my head together and find out if I really wanted college. I took 5 yrs off, worked construction and came back They reinstated the scholarship and I managed to graduate near the bottom of my class. So there's that possibility for you. And I guess the last thing I want to say is this. (I majored in philosophy & studied Eastern religions, adopted a buddhist lifestyle, and even though I was an alcoholic for another 20 yrs or so, with maybe 10 suicide attempts and never really got my shit together, There have been many good things and wonderful people I have kn own, I'm 69 now with a terrible health condition, soon I may need a wheelchair from broken back & broken neck, I'm still clinging for a while. I dearly want to wait around to see trump, his kids, and his enablers go to prison, i know that may be stupid but I'm not emotionally unstable as I have been for so long, anyway I read the Simulation hypothesis, Plato's cave, buddhist philosophy and I'm 100% convinced that NONE OF THIS IS REAL, it's all an illusion, read the Biocentric books about how we create reality, not the other way around, read about the double slit experiment, maybe some layman's explanation of quantum physics if you have time.... no worries THIS IS ALL JUST WINDOW DRESSING, 7 ALL THINGS MUST PASS. A;; OF THAT HAS COMFORTED ME AND STABILISED ME EMOTIONALLY, but the neck & back injuries are what's leading me to soon CTB. So, I care about you, & your folks. Whatever you decide...it's all good. I love you..you are smart, you're good hearted, generous with your feelings and reaching out to others. NMAYBE YOU CAN STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE LONGER.
