megafire
burn it down
- Oct 12, 2020
- 89
tl;dr: ahhh shit, here we go again (TRIGGER WARNING, S*XUAL ASS*ULT)
I think last night was the breaking point. It was proof that history is doomed to repeat itself, even if the circumstances themselves are different, even if I think I have grown or changed in some way.
Last week, my job fired me. It was for completely horseshit reasons and my third strike, so they had "no choice" but to release me. My first two strikes were for being one minute late. The final was for "insubordination". Because I said I would stay a little later to close after being told twice that I could go. No one seemed adverse to it, until they wrote me up and called me in and watched me break down.
Regardless.
For those of you who aren't familiar with BPD frames of mind, a Favorite Person is a person who you concurrently idealize and demonize, who you can't breathe without and need to affirm you, in the most basic sense. I broke up with mine two weeks ago, because i didn't love him anymore. But we never stopped talking. Literally, every day, throughout the day. After losing my job, I realized I needed a stabilizer lest I go off the deep end. Okay, I just really missed him. Being friends over text is not the same in the least. I have other shit going on; I could graduate next semester, I've been looking for internships and jobs- I wanted him back in my life. He said I needed to win him back.
So we went on a date last night, to the movies, than to dinner, while it was snowing. It was lovely. Things got hot and heavy in the movie theater to the tune of Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, and it was awesome. Aside from some dude in the front row, we were alone. I refused to go further, and he complied. Then we got to my car, drive to his place. We talked about how things were complicated between us, but we clearly cared for each other very deeply, and had a strong connection. Our relationship failed because we both got tired of certain aspects of each other, but we could make it if we tried again.
We start making out, and things get heavy again. I make it clear once, twice, three times, that I didn't want to have sex. He says he hears me. I take comfort. Teasing was fine, any further was a no go. I trust him. Next thing, it's happening, we weren't going to do this yet. He knows, he knows, but he missed me so much. I tell him to at least stop hurting me so I could float away. After some time, I guess I'm crying so much or my attempts to float away, he says if I wanted him to stop, I just had to use the safe word. It had completely slipped my mind that we had one. I use it immediately, and he pulls himself off and pulls me close.
I shut down. He freaks out, feels terribly. I reassure him in my semi-comatose state that he wasn't in the wrong. The whole point of a safe word is for these situations and I had forgot about it. He asks me to kiss him. I kiss him once for reassurance, but no more. I couldn't, it was the line in the sand I wouldn't cross again. He loses his shit over it. I end up losing my shit too. He's being unempathetic, I was trying to relieve him of guilt, and he kept seeing all the things I wouldn't do as proof that i hate him when I really, really don't.
That night sucked. He accidently took my phone so I went onto Discord to tell him and I spent like 2 hours on there talking to him when all I wanted to do was fade away. I used my last bit of humanity on him. I am exhausted of this repetitive cycle where people just take and take all they want until I am completely depleted. I'm not trying to be a victim, but it is very hard for me to not empathesize and on some scale idolize another's perspective over my own simply because I have bottom-of-the-barrel self-worth. Everyone needs to be taken care of and comforted before me, and still I am the one who ends up utterly dead inside.
I took care of him that night, as best as I could, even though what happened was, if anybody's, his fault.
I'm wrting this here because I have no friends or family that I can be open to about this without inviting judgement. If I wasn't so easy, if I just left his ass in the snow like I wanted to, if I just stabbed him with my car keys because he wouldn't get the fuck out of my car after like an hour-something of comforting him instead of just threatening to... I just care about him so much, I value him over me any day and now there is nothing left to me.
I am gone. I want to die. All that's waiting for me is more "rejected" emails from the jobs I applied to and I surely won't get the internships I applied for. I want to fade away.
I think last night was the breaking point. It was proof that history is doomed to repeat itself, even if the circumstances themselves are different, even if I think I have grown or changed in some way.
Last week, my job fired me. It was for completely horseshit reasons and my third strike, so they had "no choice" but to release me. My first two strikes were for being one minute late. The final was for "insubordination". Because I said I would stay a little later to close after being told twice that I could go. No one seemed adverse to it, until they wrote me up and called me in and watched me break down.
Regardless.
For those of you who aren't familiar with BPD frames of mind, a Favorite Person is a person who you concurrently idealize and demonize, who you can't breathe without and need to affirm you, in the most basic sense. I broke up with mine two weeks ago, because i didn't love him anymore. But we never stopped talking. Literally, every day, throughout the day. After losing my job, I realized I needed a stabilizer lest I go off the deep end. Okay, I just really missed him. Being friends over text is not the same in the least. I have other shit going on; I could graduate next semester, I've been looking for internships and jobs- I wanted him back in my life. He said I needed to win him back.
So we went on a date last night, to the movies, than to dinner, while it was snowing. It was lovely. Things got hot and heavy in the movie theater to the tune of Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, and it was awesome. Aside from some dude in the front row, we were alone. I refused to go further, and he complied. Then we got to my car, drive to his place. We talked about how things were complicated between us, but we clearly cared for each other very deeply, and had a strong connection. Our relationship failed because we both got tired of certain aspects of each other, but we could make it if we tried again.
We start making out, and things get heavy again. I make it clear once, twice, three times, that I didn't want to have sex. He says he hears me. I take comfort. Teasing was fine, any further was a no go. I trust him. Next thing, it's happening, we weren't going to do this yet. He knows, he knows, but he missed me so much. I tell him to at least stop hurting me so I could float away. After some time, I guess I'm crying so much or my attempts to float away, he says if I wanted him to stop, I just had to use the safe word. It had completely slipped my mind that we had one. I use it immediately, and he pulls himself off and pulls me close.
I shut down. He freaks out, feels terribly. I reassure him in my semi-comatose state that he wasn't in the wrong. The whole point of a safe word is for these situations and I had forgot about it. He asks me to kiss him. I kiss him once for reassurance, but no more. I couldn't, it was the line in the sand I wouldn't cross again. He loses his shit over it. I end up losing my shit too. He's being unempathetic, I was trying to relieve him of guilt, and he kept seeing all the things I wouldn't do as proof that i hate him when I really, really don't.
That night sucked. He accidently took my phone so I went onto Discord to tell him and I spent like 2 hours on there talking to him when all I wanted to do was fade away. I used my last bit of humanity on him. I am exhausted of this repetitive cycle where people just take and take all they want until I am completely depleted. I'm not trying to be a victim, but it is very hard for me to not empathesize and on some scale idolize another's perspective over my own simply because I have bottom-of-the-barrel self-worth. Everyone needs to be taken care of and comforted before me, and still I am the one who ends up utterly dead inside.
I took care of him that night, as best as I could, even though what happened was, if anybody's, his fault.
I'm wrting this here because I have no friends or family that I can be open to about this without inviting judgement. If I wasn't so easy, if I just left his ass in the snow like I wanted to, if I just stabbed him with my car keys because he wouldn't get the fuck out of my car after like an hour-something of comforting him instead of just threatening to... I just care about him so much, I value him over me any day and now there is nothing left to me.
I am gone. I want to die. All that's waiting for me is more "rejected" emails from the jobs I applied to and I surely won't get the internships I applied for. I want to fade away.
