Venting Can't sleep. TW: SA in moderate detail

[halleyscomet]

Tonight I'm really struggling to sleep. I think it's because of my recent trauma.

I was recently raped by my now ex boyfriend. He broke up with me a few hours before it happened, he is still in love with his ex so I was okay with that. I appreciated him telling me sooner than later. A few hours later he messaged me at around 3am. He was horny and I was lonely, so I agreed to meet up with him. I was feeling incredibly suicidal that night I wasn't thinking straight. I told him I wasn't in the right space to have sex, and he agreed to meet anyways. I trusted him to respect that but alas he didn't, I was foolish to trust him.

I ended up bringing a bottle of alcohol and started chugging and got into his car. He drove us out to a field and then well it happened. At first I agreed to do some stuff, but then I had a panic attack and drank more alcohol, stating that we probably shouldn't continue. I forgot that my medication gives me a much lower tolerance to alcohol, so I got very drunk very quickly. I don't remember all that much except passing in and out of conciseness, and seeing him well...continue.

He took me home at 8am, I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. The pain has no subsided and I have no health issues thankfully. But mentally I'm confused.

I feel so incredibly guilty. It was his first time and I don't know why but that fact makes me feel so incredibly guilty. I feel like I've ruined him, even though he did it to me when I was too intoxicated to understand what was going on. We are still friends but I get anxious every time I see his name or I think about him.

I feel so oddly numb about it too. Like I'm dissociating from the experience. The memories feel like their someone else's, I feel so disconnected from them. It's hard to sleep because I feel so utterly numb and robotic. I feel like I'm watching myself do things, avoid of emotion or reason. I really like him, love him even. But I know I shouldn't talk to him. The only time he contacts me is to ask for sex and I know I'm better then that. But I feel so guilty ignoring him I feel like a horrible person and I hate myself for it. These feelings are illogical, I know I don't owe him anything, but I tend to latch onto people for a reason to live and he was my person.

A part of me wants to whore out and let a shit ton of boys use my body like a sex doll, another part of me wants to hide and never speak to anyone ever again. I don't know what or how to feel, and I'm struggling to sleep because of it.

It makes me wonder if I should ctb, I considered doing it on my birthday May 2nd, but I'm not quite ready. But will I ever be truly ready? If I'm going to allow myself to be treated like this do is there even a point in living? My head is here there and everywhere, I'm incredibly confused and alone. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to get it off my chest.

 

[anhedonya]

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve not one minute of this entire experience.

You are not a fool- you trusted someone that you should have been able to trust, you said your boundaries and he went past the point you were mentally prepared to go. It was not your fault even if you had brought endless alcohol and downed it all in one go. Even if you said no five seconds after starting, it still wouldn't be your fault. You have the right to deny consent at any and all times, and you couldn't even give consent in that moment to begin with.

I'm about to say this because I think he might be manipulating you with it, and I could be wrong, but it's a possibility so I believe knowing might take some weight off your shoulders even if you didn't deserve the weight to begin with. Did he tell you that was his first time before or after the event? Because though, yes, there's many sick people out there, most of the population would not set up a place and time the way he did, knowing you were in the wrong mental state, then seeing you were drunk, and choose for that to be his first time. It doesn't change what he did as being immoral and cruel just on that fact, but if he was willing to manipulate your sensitive mental state from a very fresh breakup just to get what he wanted in such a vile manner, then I don't think anything else he has to say or has said could be believed in the first place.

You didn't ruin anything and numbness is very common in these kinds of situations. That kind of violation is so very unnatural and it's one of the very few acts of pain in this world that nobody EVER deserves, for any reason. There's no logistical reason that could justify assault, and it's a complete disregard of basic humanity. So it hurts on every level including in your soul, whether you believe in that sort of thing metaphorically or otherwise. You would not be "whoring out" if you did that- it's a very common response to sexual trauma to become hyper sexual AND to go the entire other way as well and become averse to any intimacy and love. Both can happen and you would simply be reacting to the trauma- those thoughts are not you "being a whore", they're you being someone who is suffering and trying to process what happened. It's a form of self harm in the immediate and long-term aftermath to do very dangerous sexual things to re-traumatize yourself.

I know it's your life and I can't choose for you whether you want to live it or not. But I sincerely hope you find your way out of this and heal. I know it won't be easy, and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but there are resources out there for you. People you can talk to who have been through what you have. This is not a death sentence, though I've been there and it does feel like it. You didn't "allow" anything, you simply existed and he took advantage of your mental state and love. I really wish you the best. You didn't deserve any of this and I'm here if you ever want someone to talk to. Best of luck.

 

[FadingDawn]

Jesus christ... this hurts so much to read. I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain and trauma of what you experienced. I know it's your life, and I can't tell you what you do, but, honestly, you shouldn't ever contact him again, and it's disgusting he continues to message you for that -- at the very least. Anehdonya is right: those thoughts are a form of self-harm and very destructive, and nothing that happened was your fault.

What you went through is horrendous, and I wish you peace and safety. I'm very sorry.

 

[evannave]

None of this is your fault OP. Don't blame yourself. We love you and are here for you. Also, happy birthday!

 

[scarlet-pixie]

I haven't been on here for very long but you seem like a really amazing person. It seems like you care about this person a great deal, and he exploited you and your emotions for his own sexual enjoyment and its disgusting and wrong on every level. You deserve to have people in your life who care for and respect you and you deserve to be happy like everyone else. This isn't something anyone should ever have to live through, it's absolutely awful.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry he did that to you. You didn't do anything wrong. I know hearing it from someone else might not help, but I still want to say it, because it's true. It was his choice to do that, and he knew better.