Venting It feels like I have to die

[illusive sweets]

everything in my life is going well, I'm on good terms with my family, I have an amazing boyfriend, work is going great, my friends are the best and I've been doing so good lately. Somehow everything is going downhill in my head.

I just want to live a normal stable life but I can't, why am I not allowed to feel happy and fulfilled. I'm always so empty, nothing is fun. I can see that objectively I should be happy and grateful for the life I'm living but I can't.

I always have the urge to hurt myself, it feels like having something crawling under my skin begging me to do whatever it takes to end it all. It feels like im destined to die, like dying is my only option. I have these thoughts that I can't control telling me to just do it, how I can do it, why I should do it. At this point I'm not even sure they're my own thoughts, they never stop I even dream about dying. All I can do is pretend everything's fine but I know it's not, I'm just waiting for when I give up and try to commit again. And maybe this time i will be successful

 

[Zaphkiel]

Kinda obvious question but did you try a therapist ?
You says yourself that you think your life is great and under normal circumstances you would not seek to ctb. There maybe an underlying issue that talking about would free you?

 

[illusive sweets]

Kinda obvious question but did you try a therapist ?
You says yourself that you think your life is great and under normal circumstances you would not seek to ctb. There maybe an underlying issue that talking about would free you?

I have a therapist and a doctor that I see but I can't talk to them about this, I'm not allowed. Don't know why I'm not allowed but there's something that feels illegal about telling them I'm going back to this again. I've been taking my medication like I got told but it's not helping, nothing helps. Dying would be a blessing I'm so tired.

 

[_Gollum_]

There are just some people born with an emptiness inside. You may be one of them.

 

[illusive sweets]

There are just some people born with an emptiness inside. You may be one of them.

I used to be a very energetic and happy person but not anymore it's like something died in me. I don't know why it happened but now I have to keep being that version of myself so people don't think I'm acting weird.

 

[Natanael]

From what you describe it seems that it is not something natural, especially seeing that you live in good conditions or that you recognize that you live in good conditions.

Now, I am not a professional and this opinion should be taken as just that, an opinion from a random user based on my experience and the brief information you provided.

But for me there may be an external agent that may be causing it, you may be reacting badly to medication, even moss can cause similar effects to what you describe, it may also be a neurological problem that sometimes happens.

In this case, I think it would be best that you treat it with a professional, especially if you are taking medication.

 

[illusive sweets]

From what you describe it seems that it is not something natural, especially seeing that you live in good conditions or that you recognize that you live in good conditions.

Now, I am not a professional and this opinion should be taken as just that, an opinion from a random user based on my experience and the brief information you provided.

But for me there may be an external agent that may be causing it, you may be reacting badly to medication, even moss can cause similar effects to what you describe, it may also be a neurological problem that sometimes happens.

In this case, I think it would be best that you treat it with a professional, especially if you are taking medication.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow I'll tell them I want to get off my medication. What's moss? My medication helped in the beginning and now it's all getting worse. Thank you for your answer.

 

[Natanael]

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow I'll tell them I want to get off my medication. What's moss? My medication helped in the beginning and now it's all getting worse. Thank you for your answer.

I wanted to refer to black mold, and I am glad to read that you are going to the doctor, explain to the therapist what you are feeling, I think it is important especially if he is going to withdraw, change or reduce your medication.

Best of luck and I hope everything gets better!

 

[melonpan]

I feel the same way, a sort of underlying desolation no matter how good my life is, a small hint of an urge to completely ruin and harm myself always existing

Though, a lot of it was suppressed once I got onto medication (mood stabilisers + anti depressant)
Hope it goes well with your doctor and maybe you could get something properly sorted out

 

[affirmatice]

I feel the same way - though due to permanent physical conditions that have greatly decreased my quality of life.

It feels like a joke in a way because I can honestly say so much of my life could not be going any better. From my relationship, job, friends, almost everything. I could not ask for more.

Yet, I have found myself unable to enjoy any of it. Everything that I've worked so hard to achieve means nothing because I cannot seem to get over, accept, or find peace within myself and the body I live in.

I go through cycles of extreme depression and suicidal thoughts. Then I try to tough it out and motivate myself. But it's too tiring. I've already lost out on all my happiness trying to deal with this. So suicide for me is not something I want, but the only option that I see towards peace