Venting at what point do i just give up on the idea of being happy

[blue-moon-miki]

i'm so sick of everything. everytime i think it's getting better i just get knocked down again and it's always worse and it's always harder. my life is good and i shouldn't even be complaining. i have a good life, i have friends, a girlfriend.. why am i complaining? why do i feel like this? i have everything and i'm still not happy. i still want to die. at what point do i just give up, because if this isn't making me happy then idk what can. i will always be depressed for the rest of my life, if i live to 100 i'll be depressed every second of the way. it never gets "better". that's such a lie. i always fall for it anyway. i always think i'm better. i never am. i never will be.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

It's all up to you, mate. personally? I'll never give up hope on trying to feel for myself again until there's a shotgun in my mouth. I'm multitasking- trying to feel again and working to accepting death and ctb. you have every right to want to give up hope, mate. you do. it's all up to you when you start buying your materials though. love and peace, mate

 

[TAW122]

I kinda relate to you, though on different things and while our lives are unique to us and different from each other... I would say that on the oustide, from the outsider observer, people who see me IRL see me as just an average person living an average life (especially if they don't know me..). But internally, philosophically, and even behind closed doors, I'm a failure of an adult by many metrics of society (dependent on parents, living under their roof, barely making enough money to be on my own, and failing in many aspects that an average adult has; no SO, no social life, not much achievements I could call my own, etc., even my own faculties both mentally and physically are slowly starting to wane...).

I have since given up on being 'happy' but just enough to not suffer as much and when my time is right and such, I will just do the deed (CTB) and end my own suffering. Anyways, I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

It's all up to you, mate. personally? I'll never give up hope on trying to feel for myself again until there's a shotgun in my mouth. I'm multitasking- trying to feel again and working to accepting death and ctb. you have every right to want to give up hope, mate. you do. it's all up to you when you start buying your materials though. love and peace, mate

thank you <3 i'm gonna keep trying to live, deep down i know i want to. i wish you love and peace too

 

[blue-moon-miki]

I kinda relate to you, though on different things and while our lives are unique to us and different from each other... I would say that on the oustide, from the outsider observer, people who see me IRL see me as just an average person living an average life (especially if they don't know me..). But internally, philosophically, and even behind closed doors, I'm a failure of an adult by many metrics of society (dependent on parents, living under their roof, barely making enough money to be on my own, and failing in many aspects that an average adult has; no SO, no social life, not much achievements I could call my own, etc., even my own faculties both mentally and physically are slowly starting to wane...).

I have since given up on being 'happy' but just enough to not suffer as much and when my time is right and such, I will just do the deed (CTB) and end my own suffering. Anyways, I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

i understand.. :( that's very relatable, i'm sorry. finding a neutral state is good, better than suffering. i wish you peace as well

 

[MessyNonsense]

If there's nothing you can identify in your life that's making you so miserable, then you probably have like a chemical imbalance in your brain or something, right? I mean, that's very common and very treatable. You might not even need medication, though it could help temporarily while you do the other stuff that will actually help fix the underlying problem. I'm sorry you're so miserable

 

[dirkw83]

Well... as they say. Hope dies last :/

 

[blue-moon-miki]

If there's nothing you can identify in your life that's making you so miserable, then you probably have like a chemical imbalance in your brain or something, right? I mean, that's very common and very treatable. You might not even need medication, though it could help temporarily while you do the other stuff that will actually help fix the underlying problem. I'm sorry you're so miserable

yes :( i'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder and have had it and suicidal ideation since i was 12. i've been seeing a therapist since i was 14 (i'm 21 now). my parents wouldn't allow me to go on medication when i was still underage and i'm considering looking into medication as an adult because genuinely nothing has helped for 9 years :( they still discourage me from doing so though

 

[blue-moon-miki]

If there's nothing you can identify in your life that's making you so miserable, then you probably have like a chemical imbalance in your brain or something, right? I mean, that's very common and very treatable. You might not even need medication, though it could help temporarily while you do the other stuff that will actually help fix the underlying problem. I'm sorry you're so miserable

therapy has definitely helped me from turning to substances or self harm, and has redirected me to more productive coping mechanisms when i'm feeling like this. i'm very grateful for it, as that's infinitely better than falling to addiction or anything like that. but it hasn't made the feelings themselves go away, so i just feel batshit insane when i'm sitting in a room of arts and crafts wanting to off myself lmaoo

 

[MessyNonsense]

therapy has definitely helped me from turning to substances or self harm, and has redirected me to more productive coping mechanisms when i'm feeling like this. i'm very grateful for it, as that's infinitely better than falling to addiction or anything like that. but it hasn't made the feelings themselves go away, so i just feel batshit insane when i'm sitting in a room of arts and crafts wanting to off myself lmaoo

I'd glad you've found therapy to be of some help. If it hasn't made the underlying feelings go away, though, there's no reason to stop exploring options. I have... complex feelings towards therapy as a treatment method. Often people experience exactly what you just described, it helps them learn more constructive coping methods, etc. but doesn't actually remove the underlying problem. If i may ask, what are the kinds of thoughts/feelings you have? Do they really not come from anything in your life, as far as you can tell? It's as if you just feel bad for no reason?

 

[blue-moon-miki]

I'd glad you've found therapy to be of some help. If it hasn't made the underlying feelings go away, though, there's no reason to stop exploring options. I have... complex feelings towards therapy as a treatment method. Often people experience exactly what you just described, it helps them learn more constructive coping methods, etc. but doesn't actually remove the underlying problem. If i may ask, what are the kinds of thoughts/feelings you have? Do they really not come from anything in your life, as far as you can tell? It's as if you just feel bad for no reason?

the thoughts/feelings i have are a lot of suicidal ideation and mentally turning to suicide as the immediate solution for every problem in my life. my depression definitely is influenced by outside factors, but it amplifies the tiniest things to make them seem like life or death. sometimes i can't even pinpoint what caused an episode because it can be so miniscule. that being said, sometimes depressive episodes just happen and there really is no explanation for it. i can't get out of bed, or move, my room is a mess and time blurs together. i often dissociate a lot. i'll go out with friends, but not be present at all.
some outside factors though have been seasons (shout out seasonal depression), isolation, menstrual cycle (i might have pmdd) and change of schedule. my therapist told me that my current episode is likely from having no fixed schedule as i'm on summer break from uni. she's probably right, but the depression makes it really hard to like.. make a schedule or do anything at all. like you mentioned earlier, therapy has helped me be more aware, but like.. a lot of times i still end up rotting in bed unable to do anything, because that chemical imbalance is kicking my ass.

 

[MessyNonsense]

the thoughts/feelings i have are a lot of suicidal ideation and mentally turning to suicide as the immediate solution for every problem in my life. my depression definitely is influenced by outside factors, but it amplifies the tiniest things to make them seem like life or death. sometimes i can't even pinpoint what caused an episode because it can be so miniscule. that being said, sometimes depressive episodes just happen and there really is no explanation for it. i can't get out of bed, or move, my room is a mess and time blurs together. i often dissociate a lot. i'll go out with friends, but not be present at all.
some outside factors though have been seasons (shout out seasonal depression), isolation, menstrual cycle (i might have pmdd) and change of schedule. my therapist told me that my current episode is likely from having no fixed schedule as i'm on summer break from uni. she's probably right, but the depression makes it really hard to like.. make a schedule or do anything at all. like you mentioned earlier, therapy has helped me be more aware, but like.. a lot of times i still end up rotting in bed unable to do anything, because that chemical imbalance is kicking my ass.

That totally sounds like chemical imbalance, and there's so many things you can do for that. I mean you said you might have pmdd, if you could find out for sure and get treatment could be a huge turnaround for you. And medication, and checking if it's something you're eating that's putting stress on your body, hell even something like homeopathy or flower essences (which some people bug out about but there's a lot of misinformation about them being malarkey when the situation is way more complicated than that and they genuinely affect some people in profound ways) could make enough of a difference to get you to that next step. It's always about asking "What's the *next* right thing?" and then just worrying about doing that, because that will give you the strength to do the next right thing, and then the next right thing, etc. Believe me i know how hard it is to do anything when you feel that bad---do you have anyone who'd be able to make appointments for you or stuff like that?
You also sound like you could be burnt out, is that possible? I ask bc if that's the case then putting a ton of pressure on yourself to make and stick to a schedule actually isn't gonna be helpful.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

That totally sounds like chemical imbalance, and there's so many things you can do for that. I mean you said you might have pmdd, if you could find out for sure and get treatment could be a huge turnaround for you. And medication, and checking if it's something you're eating that's putting stress on your body, hell even something like homeopathy or flower essences (which some people bug out about but there's a lot of misinformation about them being malarkey when the situation is way more complicated than that and they genuinely affect some people in profound ways) could make enough of a difference to get you to that next step. It's always about asking "What's the *next* right thing?" and then just worrying about doing that, because that will give you the strength to do the next right thing, and then the next right thing, etc. Believe me i know how hard it is to do anything when you feel that bad---do you have anyone who'd be able to make appointments for you or stuff like that?
You also sound like you could be burnt out, is that possible? I ask bc if that's the case then putting a ton of pressure on yourself to make and stick to a schedule actually isn't gonna be helpful.

thank you i really appreciate this, yeah i think it's time to start looking at medication and psychiatry. maybe i could have my roommate help keep me accountable with appointments, i'm really close with them and they also have depression as well so they know how it is. as for pmdd, yeah you're right it's also worth looking into that as well. i haven't thought about it as much but my therapist mentioned once that it was likely for me and i think she's right as i often get suicidal right before my period.
i haven't looked into flower essences or anything like that but maybe i'll research them, i'm willing to give anything the time of day.
as for being burnt out, idk. i feel like i'm burnt out no matter what i do. i think i snapped before writing this original post because i had been working on a cosplay for a week straight and getting no sleep to do so, then my car broke down so i couldn't go to the con it was for (i was already feeling bad and it felt like a breaking point, even though it really isn't the worst thing in the world). but i guess i spent a lot of energy sewing nonstop for a deadline i thought i had, so burnout could be part of it. i also tend to overexert myself when school is in session with a million extracurriculars. it distracts me from my depression but then it will cause horrible burnout later. but it's late into summer now so idk if i'm still recovering from that, probably not.
thank you for your conversation it's really helpful

it always feels really silly saying out loud the reason why i was so suicidal, i always look back on my writings (either here or in my journal) and feel like i was being so overdramatic

 

[Passenger4224]

I personally gave up when I tried everything and nothing worked. Except for the things that obviously won't work for me, I don't waste my time with those :/

 

[MessyNonsense]

thank you i really appreciate this, yeah i think it's time to start looking at medication and psychiatry. maybe i could have my roommate help keep me accountable with appointments, i'm really close with them and they also have depression as well so they know how it is. as for pmdd, yeah you're right it's also worth looking into that as well. i haven't thought about it as much but my therapist mentioned once that it was likely for me and i think she's right as i often get suicidal right before my period.
i haven't looked into flower essences or anything like that but maybe i'll research them, i'm willing to give anything the time of day.
as for being burnt out, idk. i feel like i'm burnt out no matter what i do. i think i snapped before writing this original post because i had been working on a cosplay for a week straight and getting no sleep to do so, then my car broke down so i couldn't go to the con it was for (i was already feeling bad and it felt like a breaking point, even though it really isn't the worst thing in the world). but i guess i spent a lot of energy sewing nonstop for a deadline i thought i had, so burnout could be part of it. i also tend to overexert myself when school is in session with a million extracurriculars. it distracts me from my depression but then it will cause horrible burnout later. but it's late into summer now so idk if i'm still recovering from that, probably not.
thank you for your conversation it's really helpful

Of course, i'm happy if i've been helpful. And if you do end up looking into the flower essences or homeopathy i'd be happy to provide more info and point you towards some good sources.
Straight up it sounds like a million things have been sapping your energy and patience, that must be really hard. I'd snap too if all that happened to me at once

 

[blue-moon-miki]

Of course, i'm happy if i've been helpful. And if you do end up looking into the flower essences or homeopathy i'd be happy to provide more info and point you towards some good sources.
Straight up it sounds like a million things have been sapping your energy and patience, that must be really hard. I'd snap too if all that happened to me at once

thank you

 

[LostHighway]

i'm so sick of everything. everytime i think it's getting better i just get knocked down again and it's always worse and it's always harder. my life is good and i shouldn't even be complaining. i have a good life, i have friends, a girlfriend.. why am i complaining? why do i feel like this? i have everything and i'm still not happy. i still want to die. at what point do i just give up, because if this isn't making me happy then idk what can. i will always be depressed for the rest of my life, if i live to 100 i'll be depressed every second of the way. it never gets "better". that's such a lie. i always fall for it anyway. i always think i'm better. i never am. i never will be.

have you tried SSRI antidepressants? or ketamine infusions or eskatamine spray? it sounds like if you had your brain chemistry shifted just about you would be able to appreciate the abundance of friends, love and opportunities all around you. and please listen to your your words - if you want to try to be more emotionally healthy, you'll have to stop playing the victim. because that WILL turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy. really, get some therapy and/or try an antidepressant if you haven't done so already.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

have you tried SSRI antidepressants? or ketamine infusions or eskatamine spray? it sounds like if you had your brain chemistry shifted just about you would be able to appreciate the abundance of friends, love and opportunities all around you. and please listen to your your words - if you want to try to be more emotionally healthy, you'll have to stop playing the victim. because that WILL turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy. really, get some therapy and/or try an antidepressant if you haven't done so already.

hey, yeah thank u. i haven't gone on antidepressants as of yet but i have been in therapy consistently for 7 years and i'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder. my parents wouldn't allow medication growing up and have tried very hard to dissuade me from it as an adult but you're absolutely right. it's within my reach now so i do need to try it out because not doing so is just refusing help at this point. i guess i'm still scared of my parents but it's not really an excuse. i wrote this during a breakdown but in general i do have pretty healthy coping mechanisms thanks to therapy. but they don't always work in making me feel better-- they just prevent me from harming myself or being destructive. so i do think medication is the next step. thanks for your honesty and i will try to get a psychiatrist

have you tried SSRI antidepressants? or ketamine infusions or eskatamine spray? it sounds like if you had your brain chemistry shifted just about you would be able to appreciate the abundance of friends, love and opportunities all around you. and please listen to your your words - if you want to try to be more emotionally healthy, you'll have to stop playing the victim. because that WILL turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy. really, get some therapy and/or try an antidepressant if you haven't done so already.

also, it's safe to say that i don't actually view my life the way i wrote it in the post. sorry, i know there's no context that would give that impression since it's so miserable and hyperbolic, but it's a reflection of my thoughts at my lowest point, not my general outlook. i looked at it like an hour later and was confused because i felt completely fine. that's probably another sign i need meds, lol

if you want to try to be more emotionally healthy, you'll have to stop playing the victim.

also, i don't know if saying "stop playing the victim" is a good idea on a suicide forum. i understand you were trying to help by giving a reality check, and your words were true, but that's a really dangerous game to play with an actively suicidal person you don't know. i'm not trying to be rude, or give into said victim complex, but no matter how true the words are it doesn't necessarily mean it's what the person needs to hear at that moment, especially since the post was tagged as a vent, not help/recovery. i appreciate it now, but if i had seen this reply while still in the episode, it would have undoubtedly made it worse (and maybe that is the victim complex talking, but i know you were trying to help and i'm trying to be genuine). if someone is in that irrational of a state and has a victim complex, they might act even more irrationally upon that type of callout because they feel invalidated (which i'm aware is part of the problem, but it doesn't solve anything. they need to be calm before you call them out if it's to be received well and taken with actual consideration). at the very least, i don't think a tagged vent post is a good place for that. for help/recovery, sure. again not trying to be rude. i just worry that if it were under different circumstances it could have gone poorly.