Venting Feels like no matter how good things get (Suicide is enviable)

[darksoul999]

No matter how good life tries to trick me into believing things will get better i just don't believe it.

It's always the same cycle.

I feel depressed, spiral downwards into the abyss & feel terrible.

My brain/ego gives me all the reasons why (catching the bus) is completely reasonable at my lowest points.

When i am just about to "pull the trigger" my brain floods with false hope that maybe I still have a chance.

I just do not know how long i can continue on this never ending path that leads nowhere but loops over & over again.

I have been in the same place for years, nothing has really changed.

Its insane what the human mind will come up with just to survive.

It will be your best friend & worst enemy all at once.

I just don't have the energy to continue doing this.

I'm going insane.....

 

[hangtime1000]

I relate - I have just accepted I will some day soon be hanging by neck - I am just waiting for the urge to help me carry it through

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

You would be surprised at how long this cycle can continue I'm 57 now and can't believe I made it this far. Our brains are hardwired for survival and will do anything to keep us alive, including altering our thoughts. I believe our mind is separate from our brain biology and sees rhe truth at face value, which is pretty much "life sucks". The problem is we need our mind to overcome our brain biology to be able to ctb. That can only be done thru sheer willpower, which is very difficult.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

43 here. At 18 there is no way I would have imagined turning 40. I remember talking to a suicidal friend at that age thinking how ancient it is for like minded people. The survival instinct is very strong indeed. I think we are lead to know when to fake difficult interactions we dread. We also are lead to know when to seek help and to meticulously research ctb methods.

 

[darksoul999]

You would be surprised at how long this cycle can continue I'm 57 now and can't believe I made it this far. Our brains are hardwired for survival and will do anything to keep us alive, including altering our thoughts. I believe our mind is separate from our brain biology and sees rhe truth at face value, which is pretty much "life sucks". The problem is we need our mind to overcome our brain biology to be able to ctb. That can only be done thru sheer willpower, which is very difficult.

I agree 100%

To successfully CTB, it seems you need a mixture of a strong WHY + enough impulsiveness to finally break free.

I won't lie, my life has gotten better to some degree BUT long term i just don't see the point.

Why try is the cycle will just continue?

 

[hangtime1000]

You would be surprised at how long this cycle can continue I'm 57 now and can't believe I made it this far. Our brains are hardwired for survival and will do anything to keep us alive, including altering our thoughts. I believe our mind is separate from our brain biology and sees rhe truth at face value, which is pretty much "life sucks". The problem is we need our mind to overcome our brain biology to be able to ctb. That can only be done thru sheer willpower, which is very difficult.

I agree I'm in my 60s and have tried to kill myselff since I was a teenager. You always just hope. Maybe this time

 

[darksoul999]

I agree I'm in my 60s and have tried to kill myselff since I was a teenager. You always just hope. Maybe this time

Wow! I am 26. Could not imagine making it to 60. The only thing still keeping me here is family circumstance's. I just want the thoughts to go away.

Not a day has gone by that suicide has not crossed my mind. It's sad really. I just want it to end.

wishing you peace friend!

 

[diealegend24]

My parents are the only thing keeping me alive. However, if I can find a place to ctb and never be found I would do it.

 

[never mind me]

I can certainly relate to the thing about SI being very hard to overcome. However, it seems incredible that this in limbo state can go on for decades without any improvement. So for those of you who claim that you have been constantly suicidal for decades, did you always feel as desperate as you did in the beginning of your suicidality or have you felt a bit better for a while in between?

 

[Beeko]

I understand this completely been struggling with these thoughts since I was 16 (had a failed attempt then) and I recently turned 26.

Only thing keeping me around is my husband...don't get me wrong he's great and I love him with all my heart but he sometimes does something or says something that makes my heart sink to my feet and that feeling of dread and hopelessness comes back like a freight train.

I know or well feel that one day I will CTB I just need to find a way that doesn't completely traumatize my husband, also I think having my pet cat has made me rethink it often due to the fact she HATES my husband with a passion and I really don't want to leave her alone with him.

But yea I can relate to how you feel 100%

 

[darksoul999]

I understand this completely been struggling with these thoughts since I was 16 (had a failed attempt then) and I recently turned 26.

Only thing keeping me around is my husband...don't get me wrong he's great and I love him with all my heart but he sometimes does something or says something that makes my heart sink to my feet and that feeling of dread and hopelessness comes back like a freight train.

I know or well feel that one day I will CTB I just need to find a way that doesn't completely traumatize my husband, also I think having my pet cat has made me rethink it often due to the fact she HATES my husband with a passion and I really don't want to leave her alone with him.

But yea I can relate to how you feel 100%

I am also 26.

I suppose that's one thing i am happy about, that is I'm NOT involved in any relationship.

I suppose that makes it harder, when you are involved.

for me, it's my parents i don't want to hurt even though they are well aware that i have bipolar 2 disorder.

My mind constantly flips back and forth many times often within the same day.

I want to stay, i need to go, i have to stay, i must fucking go! Its so tiring.

I have made many plans to CTB which resulted me backing out at the last moment. (I was planning on using a 9mm pistol)

I think the correct method "For You" really matters, its insane how much planning needs to go into an actual successful suicide.

This time, i plan on using Fentanyl i had tested which is super pure.

I am choosing this method because i have OD'ed before and it was peaceful. (Was saved because i was found to soon by family member.)

Plan to CTB (9-19-26) Just 9 days away.

Leave house while everyone is sleeping, walk to hotel up the street, get a room, Snort/IV fent.

Peace.

Anyway, I wish you peace with whatever you choose.

 

[papillon]

I am also 26.

I suppose that's one thing i am happy about, that is I'm NOT involved in any relationship.

I suppose that makes it harder, when you are involved.

for me, it's my parents i don't want to hurt even though they are well aware that i have bipolar 2 disorder.

My mind constantly flips back and forth many times often within the same day.

I want to stay, i need to go, i have to stay, i must fucking go! Its so tiring.

I have made many plans to CTB which resulted me backing out at the last moment. (I was planning on using a 9mm pistol)

I think the correct method "For You" really matters, its insane how much planning needs to go into an actual successful suicide.

This time, i plan on using Fentanyl i had tested which is super pure.

I am choosing this method because i have OD'ed before and it was peaceful. (Was saved because i was found to soon by family member.)

Plan to CTB (9-19-26) Just 9 days away.

Leave house while everyone is sleeping, walk to hotel up the street, get a room, Snort/IV fent.

Peace.

Anyway, I wish you peace with whatever you choose.

Where does one get fentanyl? Curious if online? Or on the streets? Seems like it would be one of the best ways to go

 

[darksoul999]

Where does one get fentanyl? Curious if online? Or on the streets? Seems like it would be one of the best ways to go

I ordered it online. Dark web,

 

[wakeawake]

I ordered it online. Dark web,

how did you go about getting it tested? (maybe cannot name places but was it one you have to ship sample to?)

 

[papillon]

Also

I ordered it online. Dark web,

Also curious about how you were able to test it for purity? And did you pay by credit card? I'd be interested in buying from darkweb too but I don't have bitcoin