Venting Thoughts about it all.

[lexxalexxalexxa777]

I think, again and again, I have gone through the same cycle of emotions, and I'm just so tired now. I'm all smiles most of the time. I can't help but think how much of it is forced. How many of my friends know me as the funniest happiest guy they know? How many of my friends know me as a good person? Hm. Well, here I am now on a suicide forum because day after day i think about it and I know it will pass, it's passed a hundred other times, but I also know it will come back. It will always come back. I'm never going to escape this, no matter how fast I run, no matter how much ground I gain on it, I will always trip.

So, I don't know. I guess I really am considering CTB, now. Again. I don't see it as giving up or succumbing. I see it as being at peace with it. Accepting it. That's not giving up, is it? The few reasons I have to live are shallow and slip out of my hands constantly, so there's really nothing THAT worth living for. My nieces, maybe, but they're so young now that by the time they're grown they won't even remember I was there. Oh boy...

I don't know. Does anyone else feel that it never goes away? It just gets further? They say there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but there's also another tunnel. And another. And another. I'm tired, grandpa!

 

[3rdworldsadness]

I feel relatable. I smile, hide my emotions most of the time but the suffering i go through and the anxiety is just heavy I wish nobody had to go through something so stupidly horrible, i wish nobody has to suffer. I hate seeing others suffer, hate it myself that I'm suffering too. I hope there's a way out for us....

 

[N@te]

I feel relatable. I smile, hide my emotions most of the time but the suffering i go through and the anxiety is just heavy I wish nobody had to go through something so stupidly horrible, i wish nobody has to suffer. I hate seeing others suffer, hate it myself that I'm suffering too. I hope there's a way out for us....

your pfp is really beautiful

 

[lexxalexxalexxa777]

I feel relatable. I smile, hide my emotions most of the time but the suffering i go through and the anxiety is just heavy I wish nobody had to go through something so stupidly horrible, i wish nobody has to suffer. I hate seeing others suffer, hate it myself that I'm suffering too. I hope there's a way out for us....

It sucks, because sometimes you really are just happy, but it will never be that simple. There's a common idea with depression that you are always miserable and never happy, which very well may be true for some depressed people. But personally, I am happy, I've just had to fight and scratch and bite with the very skin of my teeth just for a scrap, and it gets so exhausting. If nothing else, we can take comfort knowing that whatever's after this will be less painful than it is now. That at the very least, we do not have to fight anymore. There's peace for us somewhere, we've only yet to find it!

 

[BunBun]

It's especially exhausting when your brain let's you experience what it's like to be normal. Sometimes a week goes by where life doesn't seem as bad as I thought, and I might finally feel at peace with my situation. But then I wake up the next day and mourn the person I could have become. It is somewhat cruel of the brain to raise hope about oneself, only to instantly take away that hope the next day.

It's like dangling a carrot to a starving rabbit.

 

[lexxalexxalexxa777]

It's especially exhausting when your brain let's you experience what it's like to be normal. Sometimes a week goes by where life doesn't seem as bad as I thought, and I might finally feel at peace with my situation. But then I wake up the next day and mourn the person I could have become. It is somewhat cruel of the brain to raise hope about oneself, only to instantly take away that hope the next day.

It's like dangling a carrot to a starving rabbit.

Oh, exactly.... You have these moments where you experience what it must be like to be normal and then your brain is like "Well, now that you understand what you're not allowed to have..." like okay man screw you too!!!