Venting Is there good in life? Could there ever be?

[fleetingnight]

(New to the forum. I read the guidelines, but please let me know if I say anything I shouldn't or use any terms incorrectly. I'm sorry in advance if I do.)

I don't think so. I just barely graduated high school without giving up then. I tried going to college, but the pressure almost broke me down again, so I had to drop out. I'm trying to go back, because I have literally no choice. I'm expected to drag myself through years of that hell, then get a degree that probably won't even do me any good. Hardly matters which degree, right? Then, I have to hope that some day I can find a job, which isn't likely. I've been looking for work for maybe half a year now, and I know I don't have a degree, but I've heard they don't even matter much. I gave up on the ideal of a job I love and a nice house, I can't even dream of anything better than a job I hate and a place I can just barely manage to pay rent for. I'll have to spend the majority of my life doing some bullshit I fucking hate, because I need to or I'll die. Then in my free time, I have to act like somebody I'm not, just so that anyone will like me enough to want to hang out and not talk shit behind my back. The rest of my free time will be spent drunk and sleeping, because I won't have the time to do anything but try and recover from how awful my week was.

And that's it. That's my life, for who knows how fucking long before I can retire. I don't even imagine myself being able to retire, tbh, I think I'll probably work until the stress actually fucking kills me or I finally CTB.

This is my "bright future," but I'M the fucked up one if I say that I don't like being alive? I'M sick in the head if I think being a wageslave doesn't sound like fun? When I get so stressed that I have to drink to keep myself alive, it's not the fault of the people who drove me to drinking, it's MY fault for having emotions??

How am I expected to stay alive? Why the fuck would I want to? What is the goddamn point of any of it? Everything hurts, my past, my future, even my hopes and dreams are tainted. I don't even daydream in peace.

In theory, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this. I want to live, at least half of the time. But I'm not living right now. I could barely be classified as alive right now. This isn't living, it's just torturing myself for no reason, isn't it?

I'm sorry for this post. I'll probably do a lot of venting here. I don't honestly know what to do with myself besides scream into the void anymore. It hardly helps, but, for now, it does a little.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum! I can tell you I als failed college/uni. It's not the end of the world and not a reason to kys. I failed much later in life and that ultimately leaded to the fact that I made an account here.

In theory, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this.

I relate to this so so much! But our personal situations are so so much different.

When you have a few more posts you can use the search and the chat here. Feel free to vent as much as u want :-)

 

[fleetingnight]

Welcome to the forum!

Thanks for the welcome, I appreciate it <3 And thanks for the info, that's good to know!

I'm a bit past the age that most people have graduated college, not much, but enough that people judge when they find out. I'm really just going back because it might help me get work, though if I don't get more soon, I won't be able to afford more than a semester lol

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thanks for the welcome, I appreciate it <3 And thanks for the info, that's good to know!

I'm a bit past the age that most people have graduated college, not much, but enough that people judge when they find out. I'm really just going back because it might help me get work, though if I don't get more soon, I won't be able to afford more than a semester lol

I assume u r in the US? Sorry my ignorance but what's the exact difference college/university? I'm not from the US and that that for me was decades ago. Ik the problem is that even simple job require a certain college/uni degree nowadays - that's ridiculous and it puts so much more unnecessary pressures on young people.

 

[UKscotty]

All about perception I think. When depression hits we only see suffering, pointlessness, gloom and unhappiness.

Without depression, there can be happiness and joy.

 

[Terry A. Davis]

good and bad dont exist.

 

[neverLoved]

Welcome! I am new too.

Honestly the whole idea of studying your ass off so you can find a wage slave job just so you can retire when you are 60 is horrendous. You have the few who are the exception and manage to get out of it, but the majority of people just fall in to this joke and cope with it.

I am currently in my first year and honestly see no point in even trying anymore. No way in hell I am gonna accept to live salary to salary after working 50 hours a week for the rest of my life. It is a huge gamble you take and I rather CTB than sit on the what ifs for the next decades.

 

[fleetingnight]

I assume u r in the US? Sorry my ignorance but what's the exact difference college/university?

No need to apologize, I honestly don't know the difference off the top of my head, either. (And yeah I'm in the US.) I've heard it's still really hard for people with degrees, but I guess I'm just hoping it'll be easier, because I don't know what else to do. And it seems like it's easier to get work when you have a "career" rather than just a job, like, something you're passionate about it, want to grow in, "move up" in the company... Personally, I don't have any interest in that, I just want to get by, but I think I'll have to play that part if I want steady income.

Welcome! I am new too.

Honestly the whole idea of studying your ass off so you can find a wage slave job just so you can retire when you are 60 is horrendous.

Welcome to you too! I hope the forum is helpful to you <3

Yeah, I so feel all of that. I can't stand it. I either need a revolution sometime in the next decade lol, or a way out. I'm shocked that lifestyle doesn't drive more people to death than it does, even though that isn't a low number. I just don't know how anybody stands it.

Here's to hoping you and I both stumble into some unprecedented luck and get to be "one of the lucky ones" somehow, it's a nice thought

Edit: Huh, not trying to put these in the same reply, but I keep doing it. I thought I had a decent grasp on how forums like this work, but maybe not. Maybe this is better to avoid comment spamming too much? Idk, lol, sorry

 

[Praestat_Mori]

No need to apologize, I honestly don't know the difference off the top of my head, either. (And yeah I'm in the US.) I've heard it's still really hard for people with degrees, but I guess I'm just hoping it'll be easier, because I don't know what else to do. And it seems like it's easier to get work when you have a "career" rather than just a job, like, something you're passionate about it, want to grow in, "move up" in the company... Personally, I don't have any interest in that, I just want to get by, but I think I'll have to play that part if I want steady income.

I agree with that. Steady income = employment (with some luck) vs becoming (financially) independent = self employed / entrepreneur. In any case I wish u all the best and good luck for your future. If everything fails CTB is still an option - always - just prepare yourself for the worst of the worst cases and as long as life is bearable - live your life as best as you can - you won't have any regrets on that part of life should it fail in the worst case.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It depends on how willing you are to see the good that exists in almost everything, even the tiniest amount. The more you hone these senses, presumably the easier it is to make life seem good by seeing only the good parts. Easier said than done though.

 

[MarkSmith73]

Yes. Life is a learning experience. It's meant to be hard. But just enjoy the simple pleasures and try to do the best you can and don't worry about your mistakes. Everything will be good in the end.

 

[fleetingnight]

God every time I get the energy to have hope and think I might be okay some day, I get reminded what an awful person I am. It doesn't matter if I want to die or not, I deserve to. I'm a horrible person. I'm deeply selfish. In my heart, I want to never do anything for myself again, and sacrifice a much as I can for others's sake.. But in reality, I can't even sacrifice posting another stupid fucking vent about my feelings for attention on this forum instead of just shutting the hell up and only replying to posts. I say I try to be self-sacrificing, but all I ever fucking talk about is my goddamn self