Venting Incompatible with life

[AJC]

I'm coming to the realization that I simply cannot get better. It's no longer a matter of if or how but I'm now face with the inevitable fact that I'll be miserable no matter where I am in life. You see, there was a time where I yearned to socialize. I wanted people to talk to, people to go out with. Well I went to a bar with a coworker tonight and I just didn't enjoy myself. The whole concept just seemed stupid. Really it feels like you need to have a simplistic mind to not want to kill yourself. This isn't the first time, I've consistently been going out and hanging out with people more than I have in the 10 years prior to this. I just still feel unfulfilled. I'm making more money now than I ever have and I'm not happy. There's just nothing that can revive me from being completely dead inside. It's unfortunate to say but I have to face the fact that trying to heal is moot for me. Last year on my birthday, I put the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth and came close to pulling the trigger. I decided I'll give myself 1 more year. I had suffered for 27 already, what's 28? I'll give life one last shot to see if I can find something, anything, that makes life feel worth it. Just 1 thing that makes me want to keep going and if not, I'll finish what I started last time. Well my birthday is in less than 3 months and at this rate, I don't think I'll find anything. Honestly I'm happy to die. I've been depressed since I was 9 (possibly even earlier than that, 9 is just the earliest I can say for certain). That's ⅔ of my life spent depressed. I read something like less than 5% of children at that age have depression. It shouldn't have happened like this but it did and it seems the only remedy is death. So I'm okay with dying, I'm ready to finally put an end to all of this