I don't come by here very often, but I have been the past couple days and there has been a lot of discussion on SI and being unable to CTB and impulsiveness recently. I've come to the conclusion after reading a lot of other people's experiences and considering my own that I will not do it out of desperation or in a moment of crisis. I haven't been able to so far. I think I need to be calmer, have a clearer mind, and be less emotionally distraught in the moment to be able to do it.
This will be the thread where I post... I'm not sure yet. Thoughts? My story/experience? Interests? Not sure yet. I guess people are free to ask me questions here if they want, any kind, I'll probably answer them as long as I'm comfortable doing so.
My birthday is coming up in around a couple months. Last year I made plans to do it before my birthday because I didn't want to get any older or have another birthday. I didn't, and I not only spent my birthday completely alone (which had become normal to me) but not a single person even acknowledged me on my birthday. I was talking to both my parents regularly around that time, and not even they bothered to remember or say anything. The people who fucking created me couldn't even acknowledge the day they shit me out just to torment me and make me suffer. I remembered their birthdays and mother's and father's day. Maybe I'm fucking stupid and this is a completely pointless thing to care about, I don't know how many other people have the same experience... but I guess the frustration and despair of not following through before the birthday, then getting shown how little I matter strung extra. To make it even worse, I lost a pet to old age five fucking days before my birthday in 2024. My pets were my world. My life. My love. My reason for getting out of bed in the morning. My reason for trying. My everything. I knew when they were gone my life would be pretty much over, that everything would be downhill from there, and I was right. He died in my hands five days before my fucking birthday. This is one of the few things that makes me cry anymore, and now I'm a fucking mess everywhere trying to type this.
So before my birthday this year, I want to plan to do it in the right state of mind. If I start trying to build a commitment now, it might help me later. I don't have a day decided yet, not sure when or if I will have a specific day planned, but I guess my deadline is end of September.
I tried with a new therapist recently, I think might be the first decent therapist out of several previous attempts, which is unfortunate because I'm ending those services. Therapy isn't going to help me. Therapy is mostly bullshit. Therapy is for people without serious issues, without serious mental conditions. I went through a list of medications in the past, didn't seem to really help, and I think it fucked some things up in my mind and body in ways that make me angry and terrified that trying more medications would destroy the few things and qualities I have that I like and want to preserve. Starting therapy again was just a last desperate attempt at reaching out for help. How many times have I emailed other providers and other professionals hoping to get some sort of response about my inquiry for services but never getting one? Countless times. Really puts into perspective how fucking worthless and unwanted my entire existence is. It's not like I can afford help anyway.
I guess I'll be posting here until the time comes. Hello to those reading my post. I'll try not to be a coward this time.
This will be the thread where I post... I'm not sure yet. Thoughts? My story/experience? Interests? Not sure yet. I guess people are free to ask me questions here if they want, any kind, I'll probably answer them as long as I'm comfortable doing so.
My birthday is coming up in around a couple months. Last year I made plans to do it before my birthday because I didn't want to get any older or have another birthday. I didn't, and I not only spent my birthday completely alone (which had become normal to me) but not a single person even acknowledged me on my birthday. I was talking to both my parents regularly around that time, and not even they bothered to remember or say anything. The people who fucking created me couldn't even acknowledge the day they shit me out just to torment me and make me suffer. I remembered their birthdays and mother's and father's day. Maybe I'm fucking stupid and this is a completely pointless thing to care about, I don't know how many other people have the same experience... but I guess the frustration and despair of not following through before the birthday, then getting shown how little I matter strung extra. To make it even worse, I lost a pet to old age five fucking days before my birthday in 2024. My pets were my world. My life. My love. My reason for getting out of bed in the morning. My reason for trying. My everything. I knew when they were gone my life would be pretty much over, that everything would be downhill from there, and I was right. He died in my hands five days before my fucking birthday. This is one of the few things that makes me cry anymore, and now I'm a fucking mess everywhere trying to type this.
So before my birthday this year, I want to plan to do it in the right state of mind. If I start trying to build a commitment now, it might help me later. I don't have a day decided yet, not sure when or if I will have a specific day planned, but I guess my deadline is end of September.
I tried with a new therapist recently, I think might be the first decent therapist out of several previous attempts, which is unfortunate because I'm ending those services. Therapy isn't going to help me. Therapy is mostly bullshit. Therapy is for people without serious issues, without serious mental conditions. I went through a list of medications in the past, didn't seem to really help, and I think it fucked some things up in my mind and body in ways that make me angry and terrified that trying more medications would destroy the few things and qualities I have that I like and want to preserve. Starting therapy again was just a last desperate attempt at reaching out for help. How many times have I emailed other providers and other professionals hoping to get some sort of response about my inquiry for services but never getting one? Countless times. Really puts into perspective how fucking worthless and unwanted my entire existence is. It's not like I can afford help anyway.
I guess I'll be posting here until the time comes. Hello to those reading my post. I'll try not to be a coward this time.
