My CTB Thread - Making the Commitment

[abstractcat7]

I don't come by here very often, but I have been the past couple days and there has been a lot of discussion on SI and being unable to CTB and impulsiveness recently. I've come to the conclusion after reading a lot of other people's experiences and considering my own that I will not do it out of desperation or in a moment of crisis. I haven't been able to so far. I think I need to be calmer, have a clearer mind, and be less emotionally distraught in the moment to be able to do it.

This will be the thread where I post... I'm not sure yet. Thoughts? My story/experience? Interests? Not sure yet. I guess people are free to ask me questions here if they want, any kind, I'll probably answer them as long as I'm comfortable doing so.


My birthday is coming up in around a couple months. Last year I made plans to do it before my birthday because I didn't want to get any older or have another birthday. I didn't, and I not only spent my birthday completely alone (which had become normal to me) but not a single person even acknowledged me on my birthday. I was talking to both my parents regularly around that time, and not even they bothered to remember or say anything. The people who fucking created me couldn't even acknowledge the day they shit me out just to torment me and make me suffer. I remembered their birthdays and mother's and father's day. Maybe I'm fucking stupid and this is a completely pointless thing to care about, I don't know how many other people have the same experience... but I guess the frustration and despair of not following through before the birthday, then getting shown how little I matter strung extra. To make it even worse, I lost a pet to old age five fucking days before my birthday in 2024. My pets were my world. My life. My love. My reason for getting out of bed in the morning. My reason for trying. My everything. I knew when they were gone my life would be pretty much over, that everything would be downhill from there, and I was right. He died in my hands five days before my fucking birthday. This is one of the few things that makes me cry anymore, and now I'm a fucking mess everywhere trying to type this.


So before my birthday this year, I want to plan to do it in the right state of mind. If I start trying to build a commitment now, it might help me later. I don't have a day decided yet, not sure when or if I will have a specific day planned, but I guess my deadline is end of September.


I tried with a new therapist recently, I think might be the first decent therapist out of several previous attempts, which is unfortunate because I'm ending those services. Therapy isn't going to help me. Therapy is mostly bullshit. Therapy is for people without serious issues, without serious mental conditions. I went through a list of medications in the past, didn't seem to really help, and I think it fucked some things up in my mind and body in ways that make me angry and terrified that trying more medications would destroy the few things and qualities I have that I like and want to preserve. Starting therapy again was just a last desperate attempt at reaching out for help. How many times have I emailed other providers and other professionals hoping to get some sort of response about my inquiry for services but never getting one? Countless times. Really puts into perspective how fucking worthless and unwanted my entire existence is. It's not like I can afford help anyway.




I guess I'll be posting here until the time comes. Hello to those reading my post. I'll try not to be a coward this time.

 

[TimeTraveling4]

When is your birthday? I'll be around when you CTB because I know we all need a lot of support during that time. I also have no one except my parents. I'm just waiting for my meds to get here to CTB.

 

[abstractcat7]

When is your birthday? I'll be around when you CTB because I know we all need a lot of support during that time. I also have no one except my parents. I'm just waiting for my meds to get here to CTB.

Late October. I appreciate that. I hope you have a positive relationship with them. It caused me a lot of pain coming to terms with how awful my parents are.

My father, not that hard, but finally seeing him for who and what he truly is makes me sick, makes my skin crawl, and was one of the major reasons I would not have children. I will not put double the curse on someone by bringing them into this world and giving them this blood to run through their veins. It took me much, much longer with my mother. She took advantage of me, dragged me down, and I put up with it for years because I thought I loved her and I thought family is all you got. Family ain't shit. Found family is something though. "Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

Hope your meds deliver without issue.
I think as part of this commitment I'm going to write one last song.

I'm a writer and I like to sing, writing song lyrics is one of my favorite forms of writing. I've written some songs just for fun and I've written songs that came straight from the heart. I have dozens and dozens of partial works in progress, most not having enough to be anything, just some ideas.

Recently I went through a mental breakdown and one thing pain is good for is creativity. I finished two of my best songs I hadn't been able to figure out for many months. A rare good feeling. I want to write one, the final one, which is something I've had on my mind for a long time. Something angry, sad, ominous, energetic, with clear messaging.

What else can a writer do at the end of the world other than witness and record? I'm not sure anything else would truly provide a greater sense of purpose.

I've dried up so many pens, sharpened so many pencils to the nub, and worn out more than one expensive keyboard. I have written, I will write, then I will go, and few of the words I leave behind will ever be read. I'm not sure whether to agree that is a tragedy, or feel satisfied in my spite because I hate the world, I hate human beings, whether my writing is good or abysmal dogshit, the world doesn't deserve it. Fuck the world. I wish the end would be more like the movies, much quicker and less drawn out. One big event, not a gradual decline. Something you could feel some comfort and certainty in. Like the movie, Don't Look Up. Reality is paralleling that movie way too closely.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Welcome back, but sorry to hear, and sorry for your loss. I'd also like to go in the next month or two, but yes, it can get hard to motivate to keep moving towards that. Don't think that this thread means you have to hold yourself to this commitment if the timing doesn't feel right when the time comes, though. This is just between you & yourself. May I ask what method?

 

[TimeTraveling4]

Late October.

Maybe not then. I'm planning to CTB sooner rather than later.

My father, not that hard, but finally seeing him for who and what he truly is makes me sick, makes my skin crawl, and was one of the major reasons I would not have children. I will not put double the curse on someone by bringing them into this world and giving them this blood to run through their veins. It took me much, much longer with my mother. She took advantage of me, dragged me down, and I put up with it for years because I thought I loved her and I thought family is all you got. Family ain't shit. Found family is something though. "Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

Terrible. I always feel bad when someone has a bad family. Every family has their issues but some are worse than others.

What is your final song going to be about?

I leave behind will ever be read. I'm not sure whether to agree that is a tragedy, or feel satisfied in my spite because I hate the world, I hate human beings, whether my writing is good or abysmal dogshit, the world doesn't deserve it. Fuck the world. I wish the end would be more like the movies, much quicker and less drawn out. One big event, not a gradual decline.

It's honestly a tragedy. The end of a legacy. But it might also be a blessing. If you don't want it to be remembered, then so be it.

 

[abstractcat7]

Welcome back, but sorry to hear, and sorry for your loss. I'd also like to go in the next month or two, but yes, it can get hard to motivate to keep moving towards that. Don't think that this thread means you have to hold yourself to this commitment if the timing doesn't feel right when the time comes, though. This is just between you & yourself. May I ask what method?

When will ever be the right time? I had to move recently and it feels like out of the frying pan into the fire. It's genuinely driving me crazy on top of everything else.

I feel better talking about things or writing things out, but keeping all the writings private feels kind of like bottling them up still to a lesser degree. I feel like keeping it to myself keeps me stuck. It's kind of hard to explain. I'm terribly lonely.

12 gauge.

Maybe not then. I'm planning to CTB sooner rather than later.

Terrible. I always feel bad when someone has a bad family. Every family has their issues but some are worse than others.

What is your final song going to be about?

It's honestly a tragedy. The end of a legacy. But it might also be a blessing. If you don't want it to be remembered, then so be it.

Yeah I plan to be gone long before that too.

Having something terrible you have no choice about having is one of the gross and unfair aspects of reality that make me not want to be here the most.

Not sure yet. The way I feel, what I think is wrong with the world, and some sort of message about treating others better when my death shocks them, hindsight is 20/20, treat others better and care about them more than you did me.

 

[hevnsfall]

 

[abstractcat7]

View attachment 208612

That's beautiful and I'm familiar with the Rainbow Bridge. I've had many, many more pets than the average person and various kinds some common companions and some uncommon ones too. I don't hold any beliefs like this though. I really wish this was the case. Sometimes I hope it is. Now I'm going to cry really hard again. Nothing would make me happier than to be with them again. I know that isn't going to happen, so at least I can escape the pain of missing them. I have an anonymous account on a social media where I posted some pictures of them. Next to no one will likely ever even come across them, but the memory of them now exists beyond me and is now a part of the internet.

I wish I could've given them everything in the entire fucking world, and not a day goes by I don't hate myself for doing more for them. I did so much, I did enough, I loved them with my entire being, and it still wasn't enough. They still deserved more. They weren't just my pets, they were my babies. The last light in the world was snuffed out when the last one passed away. I knew I shouldn't have done that to myself. I knew I shouldn't have gotten pets, but they were the best thing that has ever happened to me and losing them is the great pain and greatest loss I have ever experienced. One I will never be able to recover from. I already knew I would never be able to have pets again after losing them. I could never go through that again. Nothing makes my heart hurt more than thinking about how much I miss them. I'm going to go wash my face off now. Bad enough I might just need a shower now. I hate existing so much.

Maybe if attempting with a calm clear mind doesn't work, I'll just open up the folder with all my pet's pictures in them and tell myself how shitty and unworthy of them and their love I was and how much more I could've and should've done. It hurts so much it feels like I lost them yesterday. They gave me the absolute best and absolute worst days of my life, and I don't blame them, I just hate myself. I really hope they were happy enough. I didn't even get to be there for one of their deaths. That will haunt me till the moment I pull the trigger. I will never not hate myself for that. I will never get the image of him out of my mind. I will never forgive myself. I will always hate this fucking world for forcing obligations onto all of us and keeping me apart from him when I should've been there.

Nothing hurts anywhere near as much as missing them. My life is meaningless and devoid of joy without them. There is no point in living without them. There is no reason to get up in the morning. They were the only things that loved me unconditionally and didn't hurt me. I wish I could express with words how much it hurts. It hurts so bad it makes me make faces when I cry using muscles in my face I didn't know I had or could feel. I'd give up an entire limb each to have all three of them with me again, I just need the last one to be able to hold them.

 

[abstractcat7]

I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time and not always understanding why. I think I might be starving and recently I've been eating even less than I normally do. Not because I want to, not because I don't want to eat, not even because I lack an appetite all the time. I just can't bring myself to bother. I'm tired all the time. I don't feel like making food, even simple food, don't feel like cleaning up, don't feel like doing dishes, and if I don't eat right now and I don't use those dishes... they'll be clean for me to eat off later instead. I've been feeling dizzy recently and I'm not sure about that either. Now that I'm thinking about it, it might be sleep deprivation. My neighbors are fucking inconsiderate assholes at any and all hours of the day and night and I'm fairly certain I have sleep apnea. I wish I could fucking sleep.

I ended services with my therapist, and maybe it's just paranoia or personality issues, but I feel like he understood how fucked up I was and how far gone I am and felt relieved to not have to deal with me anymore. No ill feelings towards him or between us I don't think, I just know how broken I am. That's why I decided to stop. It was a waste of time, money, and hope. I need a magnitude more help than that and even then I'm not sure you can fix some things once they've been broken.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I just want to say I can so relate to you. I've never really had a pet - except for a little while, but he should never have been one because he was a wild animal, just like the others. They lived at a local park, they became my family, they were nutrias. They all got murdered.

I do believe they're waiting for me on the Other Side. Not exactly like in the poem maybe - but that poem made me cry.

In terms of human family, I was from a bad family too. My nutrias were my only real family. I could never love anyone else as much as I love them, forever.
The one I took in for 5 months was named Hartje. It means "little heart" in Dutch. His fur was black, "zwart" in Dutch, hence my user name.

 

[abstractcat7]

I just want to say I can so relate to you. I've never really had a pet - except for a little while, but he should never have been one because he was a wild animal, just like the others. They lived at a local park, they became my family, they were nutrias. They all got murdered.

I do believe they're waiting for me on the Other Side. Not exactly like in the poem maybe - but that poem made me cry.

In terms of human family, I was from a bad family too. My nutrias were my only real family. I could never love anyone else as much as I love them, forever.
The one I took in for 5 months was named Hartje. It means "little heart" in Dutch. His fur was black, "zwart" in Dutch, hence my user name.

Thank you for sharing the memory of their existence with me. They sounded wonderful. Some pets I've had over time were wild animals, but we kept them. They all had a problem like a serious injury, birth defect, or lost their mother/were abandoned by her as babies. I was friends with some of the ducks at a local park I used to live by before I stopped going outside for any reason other than completely necessary. I hung out with them and their mother since they were fluffy until they grew up, split up, and left to find their own ponds. I didn't have a strong connection with them, but they were the highlight of my walks to the park. I'm sorry you lost your family like that. That is one of the main reasons I hate the human species. Smart AND capable enough to change the world around us as a species, and 90% of the change we do is to make everything worse. No, not just for the planet and other animals, but for ourselves too! Selfish and self destructive with absolutely no excuse for it. You wouldn't blame/punish a toddler at the same level for breaking something or doing something wrong as you would an adult human, and the smartest animals/animals with the highest levels of cognition seem to be comparable to young children. WE are the problem. WE are the horrible ones. Maybe not every individual, but as a species I'm not feeling too positive about us.

At least you can find some happiness in knowing that you increased the happiness of their lives, even if only a little, even if only for a little while. Their lives were inarguably better with you in them. They got more than most animals get, a lot more than most wild animals get. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't want to go on about it too much because I don't know how to put the anger and hatred I feel into words and I don't want to spew those things right now. Just know my heart burns with fury for your losses.

I had Fancy Rats. The smallest one, the runt of the entire litter, was the sweetest boy. The sweetest animal I have ever gotten to have the companionship of. He was so sweet he would come up to me, stand on his back legs, I would use my pointer finger and my thumb, put them under his little arm pits like you would life a young child, and I would lift him several inches into the air and go "weeeeeeee!" and then gently set him back down. Sometimes he would immediately make his happy noises afterward. He never tried to escape when I did it, he never freaked out, he would let me do it once or twice before he got tired of it or wanted me to do something else for him (like getting a snack lol).

I think the name you gave him is absolutely beautiful. A perfect and fitting name. It sounds like it would be a good name for a character in a book if he had a story written about him.

View attachment 208612

I've decided I will choose to believe this at the end. My heart doesn't care what my mind thinks. I want this so I will believe it. It makes me tear up spending even a second thinking about it, but it makes me feel warm and comforted inside. I think that's the feeling I need. Thanks again for this.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i relate to what you say about writing, i write poetry which i think can be similar to lyrics sometimes just without the music. i used to have pet fancy rats too, i miss them so much. they were such good pets.

 

[abstractcat7]

i relate to what you say about writing, i write poetry which i think can be similar to lyrics sometimes just without the music. i used to have pet fancy rats too, i miss them so much. they were such good pets.

Pocket sized puppies with sharp minds and a lot of emotional depth.

Poetry is wonderful, definitely similarities to music lyrics. I don't write it, but I've known some people who did. I think some of the poetry I was shown in school when I was younger had profound effects on me. I'm grateful to have been exposed to the written arts, poems, stories, and books that I was. Even a bunch of the ones we we're forced to read, I loved. I didn't love the tedious and copious amounts of work they would attach to reading. That sucked the joy out of it for me.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

Pocket sized puppies with sharp minds and a lot of emotional depth.

Poetry is wonderful, definitely similarities to music lyrics. I don't write it, but I've known some people who did. I think some of the poetry I was shown in school when I was younger had profound effects on me. I'm grateful to have been exposed to the written arts, poems, stories, and books that I was. Even a bunch of the ones we we're forced to read, I loved. I didn't love the tedious and copious amounts of work they would attach to reading. That sucked the joy out of it for me.

i miss having them very much. such good pets.

having to anaylize poems definitly makes it less nice. but i like to read poetry online different places, and my college has a poetry club i have joined. the poetry club is nice because people write poems in the club and share them then so theres always new poetry to hear. and we get to learn about different types and write our own of that type and i got to make some poems i never would have otherwise.

 

[abstractcat7]

i miss having them very much. such good pets.

having to anaylize poems definitly makes it less nice. but i like to read poetry online different places, and my college has a poetry club i have joined. the poetry club is nice because people write poems in the club and share them then so theres always new poetry to hear. and we get to learn about different types and write our own of that type and i got to make some poems i never would have otherwise.

That sounds wonderful. I love seeing the things other people create and learning about why they made it a certain way. I like to analyze their art, then try to understand them as a person, and see how different qualities they have are reflected in their art style and their methods. I like to think about myself and my art like that too.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Thank you for sharing the memory of their existence with me. They sounded wonderful. Some pets I've had over time were wild animals, but we kept them. They all had a problem like a serious injury, birth defect, or lost their mother/were abandoned by her as babies. I was friends with some of the ducks at a local park I used to live by before I stopped going outside for any reason other than completely necessary. I hung out with them and their mother since they were fluffy until they grew up, split up, and left to find their own ponds. I didn't have a strong connection with them, but they were the highlight of my walks to the park. I'm sorry you lost your family like that. That is one of the main reasons I hate the human species. Smart AND capable enough to change the world around us as a species, and 90% of the change we do is to make everything worse. No, not just for the planet and other animals, but for ourselves too! Selfish and self destructive with absolutely no excuse for it. You wouldn't blame/punish a toddler at the same level for breaking something or doing something wrong as you would an adult human, and the smartest animals/animals with the highest levels of cognition seem to be comparable to young children. WE are the problem. WE are the horrible ones. Maybe not every individual, but as a species I'm not feeling too positive about us.

At least you can find some happiness in knowing that you increased the happiness of their lives, even if only a little, even if only for a little while. Their lives were inarguably better with you in them. They got more than most animals get, a lot more than most wild animals get. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't want to go on about it too much because I don't know how to put the anger and hatred I feel into words and I don't want to spew those things right now. Just know my heart burns with fury for your losses.

I had Fancy Rats. The smallest one, the runt of the entire litter, was the sweetest boy. The sweetest animal I have ever gotten to have the companionship of. He was so sweet he would come up to me, stand on his back legs, I would use my pointer finger and my thumb, put them under his little arm pits like you would life a young child, and I would lift him several inches into the air and go "weeeeeeee!" and then gently set him back down. Sometimes he would immediately make his happy noises afterward. He never tried to escape when I did it, he never freaked out, he would let me do it once or twice before he got tired of it or wanted me to do something else for him (like getting a snack lol).

I think the name you gave him is absolutely beautiful. A perfect and fitting name. It sounds like it would be a good name for a character in a book if he had a story written about him.

I've decided I will choose to believe this at the end. My heart doesn't care what my mind thinks. I want this so I will believe it. It makes me tear up spending even a second thinking about it, but it makes me feel warm and comforted inside. I think that's the feeling I need. Thanks again for this.

Thank you so much for your words!
There are ducks here too at the park where my nutrias lived, as well as geese, swans and coots. But it's a horrible place because it's run by horrible people. The lake is artificial and has an embankment wall. Most adult and healthy animals have no problem climbing out despite it, but getting back in it happens frequently that ducks or geese get a leg stuck in the cracks between the stone slabs, resulting in bad injuries like broken bones or dislocated joints. The cracks could be either filled up with cement or simply be left to grow over with weeds, grass or moss, but no, they'll always remove all plant growth and leave the cracks exposed, for reasons of "monument protection", which is a stupid excuse because it's so dilapidated that stone slabs often get cracked and/or simply fall into the water. The water level can be controlled but is often left too low - especially in springtime when the ducks and other birds will have chicks, so the wall will be too high for them to climb out and they eventually drown. Because they obviously hate all the animals and think there are "too many of them" - look who's talking, is all I can say!
I agree perfectly with all you have said about humans, but add to this the excessive and still increasing overpopulation and unwillingness to do anything about it while all other animals need to be "controlled". Humans are the only true *invasive* species, occupying and destroying the habitats of all others indiscriminately, being parasites on the biosphere, a cancer to the Earth.

Your rats sound really cute, especially that little one. I don't understand why most people seem to hate rats.
We all are animals, but humans are one of the very youngest species, all the others have far older rights to be here. We share a common ancestor with all eukaryotes, not only animals but even with plants and fungi, and ultimately with all life on Earth. We wouldn't be here without the others, we evolved from common ancestry and so they all are our cousins. Humans have developed the science to reveal these facts, yet still they fail to acknowledge the implications and pay their due respect.
Racism and white supremacy once were deemed "normal" as well - speciesism and human exceptionalism sadly still are.
I therefore absolutely hate the human species too.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

That sounds wonderful. I love seeing the things other people create and learning about why they made it a certain way. I like to analyze their art, then try to understand them as a person, and see how different qualities they have are reflected in their art style and their methods. I like to think about myself and my art like that too.

poetry and lyrics i think are really good for that, and stories.

 

[abstractcat7]

Thank you so much for your words!
There are ducks here too at the park where my nutrias lived, as well as geese, swans and coots. But it's a horrible place because it's run by horrible people. The lake is artificial and has an embankment wall. Most adult and healthy animals have no problem climbing out despite it, but getting back in it happens frequently that ducks or geese get a leg stuck in the cracks between the stone slabs, resulting in bad injuries like broken bones or dislocated joints. The cracks could be either filled up with cement or simply be left to grow over with weeds, grass or moss, but no, they'll always remove all plant growth and leave the cracks exposed, for reasons of "monument protection", which is a stupid excuse because it's so dilapidated that stone slabs often get cracked and/or simply fall into the water. The water level can be controlled but is often left too low - especially in springtime when the ducks and other birds will have chicks, so the wall will be too high for them to climb out and they eventually drown. Because they obviously hate all the animals and think there are "too many of them" - look who's talking, is all I can say!
I agree perfectly with all you have said about humans, but add to this the excessive and still increasing overpopulation and unwillingness to do anything about it while all other animals need to be "controlled". Humans are the only true *invasive* species, occupying and destroying the habitats of all others indiscriminately, being parasites on the biosphere, a cancer to the Earth.

Your rats sound really cute, especially that little one. I don't understand why most people seem to hate rats.
We all are animals, but humans are one of the very youngest species, all the others have far older rights to be here. We share a common ancestor with all eukaryotes, not only animals but even with plants and fungi, and ultimately with all life on Earth. We wouldn't be here without the others, we evolved from common ancestry and so they all are our cousins. Humans have developed the science to reveal these facts, yet still they fail to acknowledge the implications and pay their due respect.
Racism and white supremacy once were deemed "normal" as well - speciesism and human exceptionalism sadly still are.
I therefore absolutely hate the human species too.

I think I was trying to reply to this last night but fell asleep haha...

I wish people cared more about everything around them. I wish people had empathy. Empathy is not a common trait, and I will die on that hill. I think we are in the Golden Age of Narcissism witnessing the death of Empathy. Pretty much everything you're saying about humans and nature are things I would say too. On the topic of science and racism and white supremacy, the Nazis thought phrenology was legitimate, didn't they? Science factually disproved and invalidated that repulsive idea as well... and look at the current state of America. Here's another thing I think/opinion to convey, a modern extension of a classic quote. "History doesn't repeat, but it does rhyme, getting worse every time." and I feel like this time around might be one of the last times around...

My rats were the cutest, and very wonderful. People don't like rats because they've conditioned and taught that they are dirty, nasty, disease ridden, plague carrying pests and nothing more. They're basically taught that these intelligent, furry little creatures are just weird looking cockroaches. I don't like rats that are infesting or trying to infest a place or a home, that is not a good thing to have happen, but I don't blame them or act like they are evil and worthless. I feel very bad about what has to happen sometimes. Life and reality is a disgusting and cruel place. Should a restaurant not exterminate any pests that try to get in, a place that could accidentally poison or kill hundreds, maybe thousands of people if they didn't? It's tragic and horrible, but reality is cruel and unfair and doesn't like to give you nice options most of the time.

When I was a little kid, a squirrel got into the place my family was living and was trying to become a permanent resident... We successfully caught it in a live catch trap, and released it quite a few miles away from where we lived. Sometimes you do get the better option as a choice, and you should always do what you can to go with it. Our safety and health weren't really at risk in that situation. I'm the kind of person that cries at killing things, even if necessary. I have no mercy for cockroaches, mosquitos, and flies... and I have a phobia of cockroaches and a strong disliking for most insects... but I do everything I can not to kill spiders for example. I really don't like spiders, but they are very cool animals and extremely fascinating, it's just... they can go do all that and be all that WAAAAAAY over there. You know?

I really hate humans, I don't think we should continue to exist and ruin the earth, but I hate human suffering and I want people to be happy. I want to make people happy. At the risk of sounding a certain way, I think I have a lot of empathy, sometimes too much. I feel like a fucking piece of trash who should die if I do something wrong or treat someone poorly, even if I was right, even if I was justified, even if it was an accident, even if I sincerely apologized, even if they accepted the apology. I can't stop thinking about the pain I may have caused, even if it was temporary, even if it didn't really get to them, even if I was justified. I think a lot about the suffering of humans and animals around the world, and no one seems to understand how serious I am when I say that the suffering that exists, even that I've never seen, even that I've never heard of, everything I know exists and is happening at scales and intensities beyond my own ability to comprehend makes me want to die as soon as possible. I don't want to live in a world like this, I have no power to help myself, no power to help anyone else, and the inability to help others, to help everyone, is too much to bear. The anger and frustration at my species for allowing that suffering to exist, even though it's completely needless and unnecessary and is just a matter of greed, selfishness, prejudice, and hatred. Not supply, not ability... just horribly awful, immoral mindsets and beliefs.

Kind of makes me think about this forum on the topic of CTB. The majority of the world will never accept reality, what we can do to fix it, and the harsh truths and necessary changes. Either they have a vested interest in keeping things the way they are, or they are so delusional and living in their own world adhering strictly to their favorite ideology that they can't hear or see anything that doesn't align with it. I can come to this forum though and not be judged, ostracized, or treated like I'm crazy/evil for seeing the world for what it is and having reasonable feelings and reactions towards it, especially considering my situation and conditions. I can come here and not be guilted for suffering. People here are willing to see and accept harsh truths and realities and not pretend they aren't what they are. I hate how many people treat so many things like something to just sweep under the rug and forget about. That's why the world is as bad as it is now, and will continue getting worse.

"Nice people made the best Nazis. My mom grew up next to them. They got along, refused to make waves, looked the other way when things got ugly and focused on happier things than "politics." They were lovely people who turned their heads as their neighbors were dragged away. You know who weren't nice people? Resisters."
-Naomi Shulman

I know people like this, some of the only people I know and ever talk to anymore (exceptionally rarely and unfortunately necessary). It's scary and unsettling to watch, and I don't even mean in a context as extreme as the quote, but even just in conversations about important/difficult topics. You can see the moment their brain shuts off, reboots, and moves on like they didn't hear it. It's horrifying. They have quite literally told me to pray health and financial problems away, to just think about happier things, and even unironically "pull yourself up by your bootstraps!"

poetry and lyrics i think are really good for that, and stories.

For analyzing? Yes. I also mean things like drawing and painting and non-word based arts. Like, why do they choose these specific colors and do the color choices have a relation or connection to their personality? Is their art bold or gentle? Do they like to draw people doing things, or nature scenery, or fantasy things that only exist in their mind? Someone wrote sad lyrics, but composed a happy/uplifting piece of music accompany it... why? This person is a sculptor, why? How did they get into it? What do they feel as they make something and how do they know how to bring what's in their mind into reality? Do they see the finished product and are just revealing it? Do they listen to the medium and let it guide them to the final outcome? Do they look at things they've seen and wish to recreate them for themselves, or put their own spin and style on it?

I find psychology and brains and how they work deeply fascinating.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I think I was trying to reply to this last night but fell asleep haha...

I wish people cared more about everything around them. I wish people had empathy. Empathy is not a common trait, and I will die on that hill. I think we are in the Golden Age of Narcissism witnessing the death of Empathy. Pretty much everything you're saying about humans and nature are things I would say too. On the topic of science and racism and white supremacy, the Nazis thought phrenology was legitimate, didn't they? Science factually disproved and invalidated that repulsive idea as well... and look at the current state of America. Here's another thing I think/opinion to convey, a modern extension of a classic quote. "History doesn't repeat, but it does rhyme, getting worse every time." and I feel like this time around might be one of the last times around...

My rats were the cutest, and very wonderful. People don't like rats because they've conditioned and taught that they are dirty, nasty, disease ridden, plague carrying pests and nothing more. They're basically taught that these intelligent, furry little creatures are just weird looking cockroaches. I don't like rats that are infesting or trying to infest a place or a home, that is not a good thing to have happen, but I don't blame them or act like they are evil and worthless. I feel very bad about what has to happen sometimes. Life and reality is a disgusting and cruel place. Should a restaurant not exterminate any pests that try to get in, a place that could accidentally poison or kill hundreds, maybe thousands of people if they didn't? It's tragic and horrible, but reality is cruel and unfair and doesn't like to give you nice options most of the time.

When I was a little kid, a squirrel got into the place my family was living and was trying to become a permanent resident... We successfully caught it in a live catch trap, and released it quite a few miles away from where we lived. Sometimes you do get the better option as a choice, and you should always do what you can to go with it. Our safety and health weren't really at risk in that situation. I'm the kind of person that cries at killing things, even if necessary. I have no mercy for cockroaches, mosquitos, and flies... and I have a phobia of cockroaches and a strong disliking for most insects... but I do everything I can not to kill spiders for example. I really don't like spiders, but they are very cool animals and extremely fascinating, it's just... they can go do all that and be all that WAAAAAAY over there. You know?

I really hate humans, I don't think we should continue to exist and ruin the earth, but I hate human suffering and I want people to be happy. I want to make people happy. At the risk of sounding a certain way, I think I have a lot of empathy, sometimes too much. I feel like a fucking piece of trash who should die if I do something wrong or treat someone poorly, even if I was right, even if I was justified, even if it was an accident, even if I sincerely apologized, even if they accepted the apology. I can't stop thinking about the pain I may have caused, even if it was temporary, even if it didn't really get to them, even if I was justified. I think a lot about the suffering of humans and animals around the world, and no one seems to understand how serious I am when I say that the suffering that exists, even that I've never seen, even that I've never heard of, everything I know exists and is happening at scales and intensities beyond my own ability to comprehend makes me want to die as soon as possible. I don't want to live in a world like this, I have no power to help myself, no power to help anyone else, and the inability to help others, to help everyone, is too much to bear. The anger and frustration at my species for allowing that suffering to exist, even though it's completely needless and unnecessary and is just a matter of greed, selfishness, prejudice, and hatred. Not supply, not ability... just horribly awful, immoral mindsets and beliefs.

Kind of makes me think about this forum on the topic of CTB. The majority of the world will never accept reality, what we can do to fix it, and the harsh truths and necessary changes. Either they have a vested interest in keeping things the way they are, or they are so delusional and living in their own world adhering strictly to their favorite ideology that they can't hear or see anything that doesn't align with it. I can come to this forum though and not be judged, ostracized, or treated like I'm crazy/evil for seeing the world for what it is and having reasonable feelings and reactions towards it, especially considering my situation and conditions. I can come here and not be guilted for suffering. People here are willing to see and accept harsh truths and realities and not pretend they aren't what they are. I hate how many people treat so many things like something to just sweep under the rug and forget about. That's why the world is as bad as it is now, and will continue getting worse.

"Nice people made the best Nazis. My mom grew up next to them. They got along, refused to make waves, looked the other way when things got ugly and focused on happier things than "politics." They were lovely people who turned their heads as their neighbors were dragged away. You know who weren't nice people? Resisters."
-Naomi Shulman

I know people like this, some of the only people I know and ever talk to anymore (exceptionally rarely and unfortunately necessary). It's scary and unsettling to watch, and I don't even mean in a context as extreme as the quote, but even just in conversations about important/difficult topics. You can see the moment their brain shuts off, reboots, and moves on like they didn't hear it. It's horrifying. They have quite literally told me to pray health and financial problems away, to just think about happier things, and even unironically "pull yourself up by your bootstraps!"

For analyzing? Yes. I also mean things like drawing and painting and non-word based arts. Like, why do they choose these specific colors and do the color choices have a relation or connection to their personality? Is their art bold or gentle? Do they like to draw people doing things, or nature scenery, or fantasy things that only exist in their mind? Someone wrote sad lyrics, but composed a happy/uplifting piece of music accompany it... why? This person is a sculptor, why? How did they get into it? What do they feel as they make something and how do they know how to bring what's in their mind into reality? Do they see the finished product and are just revealing it? Do they listen to the medium and let it guide them to the final outcome? Do they look at things they've seen and wish to recreate them for themselves, or put their own spin and style on it?

I find psychology and brains and how they work deeply fascinating.

I must admit that myself I'm quite selective with empathy, I think a lot of people deserve to suffer - or *would* deserve. I've often wished for the ability to redistribute suffering in the world, to take away the suffering of innocent people and put it on those who deserve it, for instance those who torture and murder innocent animals.
The problem with suffering is that it all too often afflicts the innocent though. For example people in this forum, most seem to be very nice people, but the reason we are in this particular forum is that we're suffering in one way or another, but in any case so much that we wish to end our lives to stop suffering.

The ones who cause so much suffering, on the other hand, mostly have far less capacity for it themselves, unless it were severe physical pain maybe. But if all of *their* loved ones got killed I guess they wouldn't be all that bothered by it, at least not the true psychopaths like such killers because they're incapable of deep emotion and love. Nor do they have a sense for beautiful things, everything is wasted on them. So much in this world seems wasted, unappreciated, it's really sad.

 

[abstractcat7]

One of the most irritating health problems I have is some sort of serious sinus and allergy issue. I spend hours every day suffering from the symptoms, unable to do anything else but deal with the symptoms sometimes for an hour or hours. It ruins my sleep, it causes me headaches, it's hell and I can't wait for this suffering to be over.
.

I must admit that myself I'm quite selective with empathy, I think a lot of people deserve to suffer - or *would* deserve. I've often wished for the ability to redistribute suffering in the world, to take away the suffering of innocent people and put it on those who deserve it, for instance those who torture and murder innocent animals.
The problem with suffering is that it all too often afflicts the innocent though. For example people in this forum, most seem to be very nice people, but the reason we are in this particular forum is that we're suffering in one way or another, but in any case so much that we wish to end our lives to stop suffering.

The ones who cause so much suffering, on the other hand, mostly have far less capacity for it themselves, unless it were severe physical pain maybe. But if all of *their* loved ones got killed I guess they wouldn't be all that bothered by it, at least not the true psychopaths like such killers because they're incapable of deep emotion and love. Nor do they have a sense for beautiful things, everything is wasted on them. So much in this world seems wasted, unappreciated, it's really sad.

Tolerance of intolerance IS intolerance.

I have no empathy for evil. No empathy, no mercy. There are many kinds of crimes where the guilty person can be rehabilitated and become decent, and with effort and action I think some people can be redeemed, but should never be easily let off the hook. There are some kinds of crimes and some kinds of people that will never get better, who refuse to get better, who refuse to stop committing evil actions, and can never be forgiven. How to deal with that is a grey area that is highly debatable and people feel very strongly about. I'm not sure myself. I believe that innocent people are more valuable than evil people. I think doing evil, committing atrocities, inflicting pain and suffering for pointless or selfish reasons makes a person worth less than someone who does good things, helps people, and makes both the world and the lives of the living things around them better.

Essentially, character is all that matters. I do wonder about nature, nurture, mental health, physical health and the way it affects mental health in ways we still don't fully understand, etc. in context to what I said above though. People should be held accountable or their actions, and it would be nice if people would just... be better. Just a stupid wish I guess. People who, despite having a good heart, do bad things because of the way the world and people around them treated them and the pain they've gone through... I don't think ending up on the wrong path makes you deserving of what evil people are deserving of.

When I get to this point of thought/the discussion, it makes me go back to that being why humanity should just end. It's a mess that's twisted so horribly I don't think we can fix it. Not enough people care, and the most powerful that could change things definitely don't care. Good or bad, justified or unjustified, the only way to fix all of it is for humanity to just stop existing.

I also feel angry and horrible about the amount of waste and the lack of appreciation in this world... more than I would ever have the energy to try expressing. It's abhorrent and appalling.

 

[abstractcat7]

---

The vast majority of human beings are disgustingly selfish and totally unempathetic. Most people only care if you can provide them something. That is what makes you worth being around. If you can't give them something, if you can't provide them something, even if they don't do it in return, they don't want to be around you. Most people don't just like another person and want to be around them or just want to be friends to be friends. Most people want something from you. I don't mean friendship or love. I mean something material, or monetary, or some sort of entertainment value. Fair weather friends type shit. The kind of person who only does one thing with you, and they only want to be friends because they don't have someone else to do that thing with. Outside of that thing, you don't matter to them.

I've realized that for most of my life this has been the case. Over time as I became less extroverted, less outwardly happy, less energetic, and more nervous, ashamed, and afraid of being insulted and called "too much" people wanted less to do with me. I was too much, then when I was beaten down, I wasn't enough anymore. I realize now that many, many times I was the social glue that held groups together. I was the one reaching out and making plans and getting people together and often also trying to smooth out group issues. After being hurt so many times and mental health dealing attrition damage for years, I lost the ability and the will to be those things. I haven't had or been part of a successful friend group since then. For years. At one point I had online friends and we were all so close that we planned to get together and meet up as a group irl one day. A real plan. Not just talking about it. That was the last friend group I had like that, I went through some trauma, some world view shattering, and my mental health severely declined. The group had already been experiencing some strain as well. It fell apart after that. One of the greatest losses of my life.

There are not enough words to express the pain and regret and misery I feel thinking about that. What I lost. How badly I wish I could redo things with what I understand now. How much I've changed and how badly I wish people I used to be so close with who genuinely cared about me could see me now, and know me for who I've become. I've tried to reconnect with a few old friends I was able to find, whether it was my mental health or them not being nearly as interested in reuniting or maybe in who I had become... none of the attempts worked out. That fills me with even more regret and misery. Fuck I've fucked up so much and lost so much. Years before I even began to understand or identify a lot of my mental health problems and conditions and how they affect me. It hurts, and I feel so much shame. This is one of my main reasons for CTBing.

---

Another addition, decided to post it here with all my other general thoughts, feelings, and anger. I feel I got too negative and too passionate for the other thread I was going to leave this on.

I don't care for fair weather friends or people who want to force me to put all the effort into a friendship. That's been my entire life and I'm sick of it and sick of being taken advantage of. If someone can't be bothered to fucking talk to me more than once in a fucking while and still can't even be mostly engaged with the conversation, they are a waste of my time, my thoughts, and my friendship. If you don't want to be friends, if you don't want to talk, then fucking say it and let's move the fuck on. Fuck assholes who want to keep one toe in the water and act like you're weird for finding that weird and disrespectful. I want friends, not some weirdo who feels validated by the number of friends they have or the number of contacts in their phone. Fuck you. I care about my friends, I love my friends, if you can't do the same, you are nothing to me. Too many times, my entire fucking life since as long as I can remember, my love has been taken advantage of, demanded, and often not returned.

This is why I love non-human animals so much. That love can most certainly be unconditional. Kind of like a child's love before they are mistreated, abused, shown cruelty, taught cruelty, and learn the hard truths about the world too early. A child/a pet often doesn't love you just because you feed them. That was part of what built the trust and connection that lead to the love they have. The love of a child or an animal is much more direct, much more pure, and far less based off of give and take. The love they give is generous. This is why they need to be protected. This is why I feel incalculable, burning rage at those who hurt and mistreat these vulnerable beings. I would lay down my life to protect them if the opportunity appeared in front of me, and I have felt this way since I was young. It has been a dream since I was very young to die a worthy death, to die for the sake of someone I love or someone innocent. If somebody had ever hurt an animal under my care or protection, they would be lucky to survive the encounter, and my only regret would be the time I would have to spend away from those animals and that I couldn't have inflicted even greater vengeance upon those evil people.

---

A couple lines from a song I finished writing recently, "Is the problem with me, or the rest of the world?" and being on this forum, finally being able to talk about certain things and express certain thoughts without being shut down, ostracized, and treated like garbage makes me feel more and more like it's the latter. It's not me being broken that makes the world seem fucked up, I am broken because the world is fucked up. The truth too many refuse to accept, and why mental health and CTB is so horrifically stigmatized, and the reason I fear humanity will never fix things and become better. Blame the individual instead of blaming the very obvious and blatant issues causing problems for the individual. Too much effort to care and fix things, just blame those who succumb. It's easier and let's you ignore bad things in favor of thinking happier thoughts. Just sweep things under the rug and move on.

 

[abstractcat7]

I hate being a biological being, especially when it comes to eating.


I'm underweight, I think I'm legitimately starving. I can't bring myself to cook, clean the dishes, or even eat a lot of the times. I try to make things as easy and quick as I can, my diet is kind of shit, and sometimes I can't even bring myself to make chicken nuggets.

I'm hungry, I want to eat, I like eating, and I am very happy with the options I have figured out and keep on hand, and yet my ribs are visible.

I made food like an hour ago, and I haven't eaten since late last night. Genuinely around 20 hours since I last ate anything at all, and it was just a bowl of cereal. That food has just sat next to me, and is now ice cold. I don't want to or feel like heating it up, and I can't heat it up too much because I have ARFID and I already overcook my food, borderline burn it, just to be able to enjoy it. It if isn't dry and crunchy, I struggle to swallow it. Cereal and milk is a mixed bag, sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I eat it as fast as possible before most of it gets soggy, sometimes I get a bowl of milk and pour cereal in a few spoon-fulls at a time. I think multi-vitamins are keeping me alive.

I only eat, sleep, etc. because I have to and my body forces me. If I refuse then I feel awful, and that just makes existing even more agonizing and bullshit.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sorry to hear. I've got to go soon, too. Allergy meds don't help with the sinuses? That's what they're meant to do.

 

[abstractcat7]

I'm sorry to hear. I've got to go soon, too. Allergy meds don't help with the sinuses? That's what they're meant to do.

They help, but it's not enough. Last night, instead of sleeping, I spent three whole fucking hours choking on and throwing up mucus from what I guess was maybe an allergy attack. What from? LMAOOO I have no fucking idea, I don't leave my house very often. I assume it's a combination of sinus issues, weather, and dust/pollen (from outside, my house is clean and I don't have a lot of belongings and there's basically no clutter...). I can literally do almost nothing else while dealing with these symptoms. I often can't even keep my throat clear enough to get a drink of fucking water, which is really rough after waking up dehydrated. I'm taking allergy medicine they keep behind the counter at the pharmacy with decongestants in it, and they work, but not enough and sometimes my symptoms are so bad the medicine is powerless. It drives me insane. My sinuses are severely fucked and have been an issue my entire life, but over the past year or two it's gotten much worse. I've even moved during that time and it changed nothing... and I as really, really hoping it would make a difference for the better. Just my luck I guess.

I suppose my difficulties with eating probably contribute to this. I don't think my immune system is in very good shape. Eating also sometimes triggers my problems. I don't like spicy food, but I love heavily seasoned food. Spices can trigger it, sometimes they don't, sometimes things that aren't even that spiced/seasoned trigger it. It's fucking miserable and bullshit and I can't wait to never have to deal with these issues ever again.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

They help, but it's not enough. Last night, instead of sleeping, I spent three whole fucking hours choking on and throwing up mucus from what I guess was maybe an allergy attack. What from? LMAOOO I have no fucking idea, I don't leave my house very often. I assume it's a combination of sinus issues, weather, and dust/pollen (from outside, my house is clean and I don't have a lot of belongings and there's basically no clutter...). I can literally do almost nothing else while dealing with these symptoms. I often can't even keep my throat clear enough to get a drink of fucking water, which is really rough after waking up dehydrated. I'm taking allergy medicine they keep behind the counter at the pharmacy with decongestants in it, and they work, but not enough and sometimes my symptoms are so bad the medicine is powerless. It drives me insane. My sinuses are severely fucked and have been an issue my entire life, but over the past year or two it's gotten much worse. I've even moved during that time and it changed nothing... and I as really, really hoping it would make a difference for the better. Just my luck I guess.

I suppose my difficulties with eating probably contribute to this. I don't think my immune system is in very good shape. Eating also sometimes triggers my problems. I don't like spicy food, but I love heavily seasoned food. Spices can trigger it, sometimes they don't, sometimes things that aren't even that spiced/seasoned trigger it. It's fucking miserable and bullshit and I can't wait to never have to deal with these issues ever again.

Sorry to hear. Dairy products are what cause mine, but allergy meds help to a degree. Was told by an allergist as a kid that I was allergic to them, but I didn't make the connection & realize that was the reaction they caused until I was in my teens (and certain dairy alternatives cause the same damn reaction, too). But yes, having a body that needs proper care & maintenance is definitely burdensome, especially as the years pass.

 

[abstractcat7]

Yes. I 100% understand what you mean. I'm not always in or experiencing lots of pain or active suffering that makes me want to CTB, sometimes it's that same feeling of life being completely unappealing and unpalatable. I don't see a reason to live either. The things I enjoy and love or love about about myself are just things to distract me. Sometimes they don't work and aren't enough. That's how I know life isn't worth it.

Right now I'm thinking of how much I hate my shitty, stupid, inconsiderate, scummy neighbors. I don't know if I'm being harassed or something, but everyday someone hits my bedroom wall (the other side of it is the hallway) and there's a group of pieces of shit that like to hang out around there on the stairs late at night yelling and slamming things, including my bedroom wall. I'm probably going to freak out soon. I hope my CTB causes everyone here misery and inconvenience.

I judge myself really harshly too. I either give 100% or I give 0% because if I don't do it right and do it well, then I shouldn't do it. When I don't do things, it shows worthless I am. If I can't give 100%, then I'm a failure.

I don't wish others to kill themselves either, I wish they could be happy, I wish I could be happy, but when there only seems to be one option... I don't know. I just hope that it works and goes smoothly. I want less suffering, even if that means CTB, because it may be unfortunate, but less suffering is less suffering. I hate suffering. I don't want other people to suffer needlessly or unjustly. It's also often that those who need help are the most willing to offer it. It's called empathy. Another thing that's going extinct like Critical Thinking. We are in the Golden Age of Narcissism witnessing the death of Empathy.

I appreciate your kind words (though I may not agree with your view of me), and I agree with your wish for all of us to achieve peace in the best way possible. It just seems that for many people, CTB is that only option. If only the world was a better place, humans weren't such shitty creatures, and empathy was a universal human trait and not a rare one.

For those who have the potential to be genuinely happy and have the resilience to deal with the bullshit of existence without being defeated by it, I hope they keep living. I wish for suffering to end. The amount of suffering in the world is too much for me to bear. I can't even fathom a lot of it, or how bad much of it truly is... but it still makes me feel sick and miserable. I can think of my suffering, not compare it to diminish it, but to think, "Wow, I don't want to be alive, and this is all I have to put up with compared to countless more people?? Why do they want to be alive??" I wish they didn't suffer, and I hope they find enough happiness in life that makes it hard for them to understand my point of view. I'm a hypocrite too. I fucking hate human beings, I hate humanity, I judge others, but I sincerely and deeply wish to reduce the suffering of others.

The fact that there is such incalculable suffering and less than nothing I can do about it is one of my main reasons for wanting to CTB.

There are a lot of shows and movies I can't watch because watching that imaginary suffering and knowing that there are real people experiencing it, or often much worse, makes me so sick to my stomach. I've had mental breakdowns over it before. I've gone through periods where I didn't sleep for multiple nights in a row. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope, and I'm pretty sure I can't and it's all hopeless. If humanity still underwent Natural Selection, I would've been culled. I can't function and I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve to live because of my issues, my incompetence, and some of the things I've done in my past. I can lie to myself and entertain the ideas that my art or my kindness make the world a better place, but they don't. I don't even share most of it. Most of it has never been seen or heard by the eyes or ears of other people. I've been isolated for so long, what the fuck does being polite in a super brief interaction with a service industry worker matter? I don't add anything to the world. I'm a burden, but I'm not even a burden on other people. I have no one close to me, I have no one that loves me, and I have no one that wants to be around me. I must be pretty sweet, huh?

This is my CTB thread and I want to copy and paste some of my thoughts/feelings/rants here. Sometimes I go off and I don't feel like retyping/rethinking all this shit but I want it kept track of here. This is where I'm going to put my thoughts and feelings as I near the end. This thread will be an explanation of who I am, what I thought, what I felt, and why I did it. Who the fuck cares, it's just something to keep my mind a bit more at peace I guess.

Religious morality is not morality. It's often just evil, cruelty, and contempt for others wrapped up in a pretty facade. A piece of shit spray painted gold. It's why "There is no hate like Christian Love." (which I like to broaden to Religious Love) is a saying. Religious people don't stop having those thoughts, and atheists don't automatically have them.

Religion loves to ignore and reject reality, biology is reality. You're 100% right about genetic makeup and Nature vs Nurture stuff.

It kind of gets into the topic of Free Will (which doesn't exist) and whether or not we should hold people accountable for their actions if there is no free will. We need to to maintain a functioning society, of course... so I would turn the direction of the discussion towards imprisonment vs death penalty vs rehabilitation. There are ample amounts of evidence proving that rehabilitation works... but only for some types of crimes. Some people are repeat offenders and never stop no matter how many times they are punished. Some crimes are so severe that maybe they should never be forgiven... but people make mistakes, drugs, mental health, physical health (in ways we still don't fully understand) can all cause people to "lose their minds/lose themselves" and how do we differentiate between those people and people who did something in a sober state?

It's all so blurry and grey and I don't even know how to approach all of it.


Personally, I think having lots of horrible thoughts and choosing never to act on them makes you a better person than someone who was born with a silver spoon in their mouth and the perfect conditions while they were being raised.

The Damn Commandments have FUCKING THOUGHT CRIME IN THEM AS A FORBIDDEN ACT.... ARE WE FUCKING KIDDING????? (that's not even to mention the other problems with them like the lack of prohibition of slavery and the tenets of narcissistic deity worship.) Like, there are popular movies out there all about thought crime and how evil of a concept it is... yet these "good, moral, upstanding, better than everyone else" religious fucking shitheads think thought crime is real and deserves INFINITE ETERNAL FIERY PUNISHMENT....... Nobody who thinks that kind of shit is a good person, regardless of what they refrain from doing. Same thing for one of the most evil concepts invented by man... "hate the sin, lover the sinner." They use this to maintain the belief that gay people are evil, choose to be that way, and deserve infinite eternal fiery punishment. They reject basic human compassion, empathy, and they also reject reality. They think that certain people deserve unimaginable suffering BECAUSE OF THE WAY THEY WERE FUCKING BORN.... that is the epitome of evil. They think being gay is thought crime against their holy narcissist. Their "love" is bullying, demeaning, harassing, and maybe even assaulting gay people until they "choose to be straight" so they "can get into heaven." If you ask me, they need to read their stupid shitty book of immorality and see one of the few good parts in it where it says "You [God] knit us together in our mother's womb, you create our inmost being." which means that, by their own beliefs, God made everyone exactly how he wanted them to be. They say God gives people tests, and tests his "strongest soldiers" so to me, trans people being born in the wrong body and having to struggle internally and be mistreated or worse by the people and world around them is a test. A test that his believers almost all fail. Instead of showing kindness, empathy, love, and acceptance... they reject God's will and reject people based on the way they were born.


Religion doesn't make you a better person, if often makes you a worse person. Religious morality isn't morality, it's thinly veiled immorality that functions mostly off of brainwashing and gas lighting. Having no bad thoughts doesn't make you a good person. Not acting on bad thoughts makes you a good person.

We cannot control the thoughts we have, we can control how we act on them though. That's why thought crime is one of the most evil and recognized as evil concepts in all of human existence. It feels like yet another way, especially for the religious, to target people with poor mental health and declare them as less of a human being. Religious people would rather physically torture a mentally ill or neuro divergent person for "being possessed by a demon" than they would should kindness, empathy, and care for that person. Sorry, I'm fucking angry today, and I'm sickened by how destructive religion is to literally everything... especially the human mind. It sickens me more than I could ever properly put into words. I watched a childhood friend of mind go from a curious and opened-minded person to someone completely captured by Christian Nationalism and White Supremacy as we became adults. It makes me so fucking sick and so fucking angry. I always thought he was a smart person. I thought he was a decent person.

Coming to grips with how bad so many "good", or supposed to be good, things and people are as far from good as you can get was really difficult. I remember coming to terms with accepting how shitty and awful both my parents were in every way. It was devastating.


Also, the ability to resist temptation is a sign of strength, or quality of character, or discipline. Maybe even a mix of them or all three. Kind of reminds me of the saying that goes something like, "You're not weak because you can't handle something, you're strong for handling it for so long." It is very human, and very much a trait of biological organisms, to be tempted and to give into temptation. As animals that are intelligent as we are, it comes down to making a choice and refusing to make choices that cause harm to others. Being tempted into eating an extra cookie doesn't matter. Being tempted to steal someone else's cookie with their name on it in the communal refrigerator because you really want one is not a good thing, but choosing to go ahead and steal it is the problem and the only thing that matters.

We cannot control our thoughts, our thoughts do not make us who we are, our actions do.

I really fucking hate religion and what it does to people. I hate how I've been treated by religion and religious people. I hate the cruelty, lack of compassion, and lack of empathy with which I've been treated by them. I hate how they embrace evil while believing themselves to be good and better than everyone else. I hate being called evil and deserving of hell FOR THE WAY I WAS BORN AND THINGS I CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL. I hate what religion is doing to humanity and nature. I don't tolerate religion, tolerance of intolerance IS intolerance. If you hate what I say and think about religion, then I hope you hate me too. I hate evil and I will never give an inch for it. Religion might be humanity's Great Filter that ends up being the reason we never leave earth and colonize other worlds, and why we go extinct. Belief in magic, evil, and Mythic Truths instead of reality. Religion and what it does is one of the reasons I don't want to be alive, it's utterly repugnant.

 

[abstractcat7]

---

I'm so fucking pissed and so fucking tired of this shit. My stupid fuck upstairs neighbor, just one of the people up there, stomps so fucking hard and so fucking loudly I can FEEL their footsteps while I'm sitting in my chair with my feet picked off the ground. Nothing is going to be done about it, I can't do anything about it, and that's just one of the awful fucking things about this place. Why is the hallway that my door opens into the hangout place for people that like to yell and bang on walls, like my bedroom wall? Why are human beings such awful, stupid, and inconsiderate things? I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep. The stomping, the banging, the yelling at any time day or night is making it impossible. There's only one way all of this is going to end.

---

I'm full of so much anger and misery and stress I don't know how to explain the feelings. Being conscious is agony.
I'm starting to wonder if I need to worry about making it to my birthday next month or if I'm going to absolutely lose it long before then. Why the fuck don't I just do it right now honestly. It's night time now and I'm getting something to each for the first time today. I'm not even really hungry.
I'm starting to wonder if I need to worry about making it to my birthday next month or if I'm going to absolutely lose it long before then. Why the fuck don't I just do it right now honestly. It's night time now and I'm getting something to each for the first time today. I'm not even really hungry.

 

[abstractcat7]

I'm going to lose my mind.
I can feel how close I'm getting to freaking out. I'm so fucking angry. I fucking hate these assholes around me, I hate this world so much, I hate being completely and utterly alone and unloved.

 

[abstractcat7]

I think tonight will be the night.

I've written a few more notes. I haven't eaten since yesterday. Again. I'm not even that hungry. I'm so angry I don't even feel that bad or sick. I think I'm going to take a really long shower first. I guess it would be better to do it in the bathroom so there's less mess... but who the fuck cares? Maybe I should ruin all the stuff in my room. I wish I had the guts to destroy all of my belongings before doing it. I've chickened out multiple times already I'm fucking sick of it and sick of myself. I'm ready to go out and confront the next person who pisses me off for the smallest reason, and I'm deathly afraid of confrontation. I'm so fucking angry. Why the fuck do people punch/hit my bedroom wall at least once a day??? What the fuck did I do to deserve this??? Why the fuck has my life gone so badly and been so fucked up that these are the kinds of people I have to live around??? I've moved multiple times during my childhood and as an adult, and nowhere has ever been this bad. I feel like they take joy in being absolute assholes. I can hear inconsiderate people run up and down the stairs loudly, BUT THEY DON'T HIT MY FUCKING BEDROOM WALL. Someone specific seems to want to torture me. If I chicken out tonight, I'm going to become a fucking nightmare for the people above me until I fucking do it. I'm sick of being tormented and being ignored. They've been told to stop, and they don't care. People like that are one of the main reasons I hope humanity goes extinct, and make me not feel as bad about how awful and drawn out that process is going to be over the next 100 years.

 

[abstractcat7]

---

I'm going to sound insane but I'm pretty sure the people who hang out and bang on my bedroom walls were talking about how many times I opened my front door today. What the fuck. No shame either, talking about it loudly out in the hallway. Why the fuck are they counting how many times I open my fucking door? I keep to myself and I am quiet, I make as little noise as possible. I live in fucking hell. I hate human beings.

How do I get over the fear to do it? Nothing feels real right now. I'm scared that I'm going to be able to do it. I can't stop imagining the last moments. I have no reason not to do it and I have no reason to continue living. All my childhood nightmares ended up coming true.