Is it selfish that I don’t want someone I love to die but I really want to end my own life.

[catfleshflour]

My partner has serious bipolar disorder. In the past few years she tried to ctb several times but I managed to stop her. She's been recovering pretty well recently. But I can't stop feeling guilty because I just can't deal with loved ones leaving my life. On the other hand, my situation just get worse every day. Suicide seems like the only easy way out and also super selfish and irresponsible. I just feel I am so evil to even die painlessly.

 

[Darkover]

isn't this a catch 22

catch-22

1. a dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.
   "a catch-22 situation"

 

[MrDarkness]

Tell her how you honestly feel, you both can relate in it and find peace. I hope things go well

 

[sayire]

My partner has serious bipolar disorder. In the past few years she tried to ctb several times but I managed to stop her. She's been recovering pretty well recently. But I can't stop feeling guilty because I just can't deal with loved ones leaving my life. On the other hand, my situation just get worse every day. Suicide seems like the only easy way out and also super selfish and irresponsible. I just feel I am so evil to even die painlessly.

is your state getting worse related to her difficulties and/or due to feeling that you will lose her?

I think you should have an honest conversation with her. it might turn out well for you both.

 

[catfleshflour]

is your state getting worse related to her difficulties and/or due to feeling that you will lose her?

I think you should have an honest conversation with her. it might turn out well for you both.

Nope, her suicidal thoughts definitely made me sad but what is making things worse are basically all my own problems like mental illness and other stuff. I have talked with her at the beginning as always being honest with one another, and if I die she definitely couldn't live with this. We discussed about ctb together but, me, being selfish, want her to get better and live a better happier life. I guess that's why I hate myself so much

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, I just think it's up to the individual when to leave this world, we all have our right to die and nobody should be forced to stay here and suffer until they die anyway. But I could never personally see suicide as being an easy way out as suicide just isn't straightforward at least to me.

 

[sayire]

Nope, her suicidal thoughts definitely made me sad but what is making things worse are basically all my own problems like mental illness and other stuff. I have talked with her at the beginning as always being honest with one another, and if I die she definitely couldn't live with this. We discussed about ctb together but, me, being selfish, want her to get better and live a better happier life. I guess that's why I hate myself so much

yeah as she is recovering pretty well recently, I can easily see your desire to do whatever you can to keep that going for her. at the end you can only do so much and you need to do what is best for you while being their for her to the best of your ability. I hope things get better for you as well.

 

[HighFlight]

My son (21) has inherited my mental health issue (mainly severe depression and anxiety), and he struggles on a daily basis. Thank you to those members on chat this morning who gave me some ideas to calm him down from his latest panic attack. He's doing better tonight. He was suicidal a few years ago, and the thought of him harming himself still haunts me to this day. I see a handsome young man with a beautiful mind and great potential if he would only be open to treatment.

I also see him as my greatest failure. If I only saw it sooner, maybe something would be different...

But for myself, I still see ctb as an option for a lifetime of silent pain. I've attempted several treatments and therapy, but have not found anything that works. My age and poor physical health just complicates everything. I would need to find a way to ctb without him, or anyone else feeling any level of responsibility. I'm saying I will ctb, but I haven't ruled that option out.

Am I being selfish and hypocritical? Definite maybe...