Have to come clean and this thread is as good as any. I am guilty of vanity and pride. I've made my peace with reality, but the thought what my life could have been like with some better decisons still haunts me. Deep down I am ashamed of what I've become, so I'll sometimes hint that it wasn't always so. I wasn't a genius or model, but good enough on both counts. Had success with the girls and loved it. They adored me and I them. It gave me great pleasure making them laugh, messing about, everything. They'd call after me in the street or hit on me out of the blue, and of course it made me feel good. I took it for a given.
When my mhi came about my mind went to shit. Didn't care about anything anymore. All I could think about was my sorrow. I became a recluse and pushed everyone away, including girls. Five years later I resurfaced on the world to work and was still very ill. But I was in my early 20's and of course seeing real women again swept me away. But that wasn't exactly my effect on them. My looks had gone to waste. My eyes were dead, my personality toxic and my humour nonexistent. My teeth rotten. My confidence broken. It sounds absurd, but I was so deluded from the past that I couldn't make sense of it at first and it took me a while to realise that I simply wasn't attractive anymore. I had been so obsessed with my mental issues that nothing else mattered and I wasn't even aware of my decline. Women in this context are a metaphor for all the cravings in life I could not fulfill. Not least love. I don't blame them though, because it's ingrained in our genes to look for healthy partners, and really my outside appearance is just a mirror of my inside, and both are a huge turn off. So, yes, looks are nice and can make things easier, but they're completely irrelevant compared to one's inner peace and happiness.
Oh, and to come full circle with this story, eight months after hitting on me in the street, five months after the advent of my mhi, one of these girls passed me in the hall. We didn't really know each other that well, but on the outside she was definitely a cutie. I was slumped on the floor, drugged up of course, a mess. She came up to me, literally looking down at me and said "you know it didn't mean anything, right?".
