Introductions ? You don't have to join in...

[Sharethepain]

Heyo, 20 y/o boy from CZ here. Except for abusive parents, nonexistent childhood and loneliness in my early days I haven't had that bad a life. I was usually popular for some reason, kinda smart or so I was told and except for my height (164 cm) I was doing fairly well.
After my first break up I developed BPD and suffered horribly for a year (I made some light attempts back then). I got together with the girl a year later and I was really happy again, but I still carried the lingering darkness from the year before and made a serious attempt with overdosing and was sent to a psych ward. My gf at the time moved in with me afterwards and stayed for over half a year until we broke up again eventually. I was apparently keeping her in cage because of my bpd and fear of abandonment and she was constantly terrified of me killing myself. Its been about 100 days since then.
I see her every single day in my dreams with someone else and its killing me, I started going to sleep around 4 am to avoid the nightmares but nothing helps. She was the only thing that ever made me happy here and I just dont want to go on without her, its only getting worse every day without her. Sometimes I wake up to find myself crying in the middle of night and I dont even know if thats a dream or not anymore. Everything is so bland and colorless without her and it hurts terribly knowing I'm stuck in my room for a month straight slowly dying while shes out there with someone else.
The issue is I value loyalty more than anything else and never want anyone else than her, she is the most beatiful girl I've ever seen and I cannot live on knowing I lost such a treasure.

TL:DR I can't ever let go and it's killing me.

 

[vallm]

I'm 22 from India. I never knew how I started to feel suicidal. Maybe it has to do with the way I was brought up. Never had friends from my childhood . Always spent my time all alone. Since my family also moved from place to place frequently I didn't spend any time with people in school or even neighbours. Also, since my country (especially parents) is like heavily against speaking or making friends with women, I became an introvert added with extreme loneliness I don't think I wanna continue living like this . I know that I'm probably not "worth" to be depressed or suicidal compared to many people here with actual problems but this is the situation I'm in. I think it would be better if I'm really sure if I want to die but im contemplating and passing every day like this .

 

[Another]

New here. Female/US. I've been wanting to go for a while - probably since the age of 8 or 9. Recent events have pushed me to finally put some real effort into planning. Thankful that a place like this exists.

 

[Rocky M]

Hello, nice to meet you. I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope you find peace, whatever you choose to do.

As for me, I'm a Canadian. Assisted dying is legal here, however, only under very strict circumstances in which I unfortunately do not fit the criteria for.

As many people on this site have heard me say before, there are 3 main reasons why I want to ctb: Emotional abuse, guilt and spite. I do have a method picked and a set departure date, however I need to smooth out some wrinkles in my plan, and doing so should take next to no time at all since it is just some small problems.

 

[Psychosa]

I'm 23, and a mom to 2 babies. I've been really struggling too. I thought having kids would make me happier, it didn't. I've been contemplating how to kill myself without it being too traumatic for them or my husband. I don't want to wait too long either because I think it will be easier for my babies if they were too young to remember me. I'm here because I googled how to make an exit bag and it brought me to this site. But I think I'm too stupid to figure out how to do that. So I'm mostly looking for inspiration on how to go. I recently started cutting again, but I don't think it's enough this time. I just want the pain to end forever.

 

[MyImmortal]

Hi. Just joined tonight. I've been a regular "guest" reading a lot but never made a profile. It weirdly provides me with peace on here. I'm from Canada, 25 years old. Male, openly gay. Being gay is not an issue that contributes to my suicidal thoughts. I have a "good" life (from an outsiders point of view) of an accepting family, university degree in business, good career with a good salary etc. To me it means nothing. I've been depressed from as long as I can remember. It's a void I can't fill no matter what. The thing is that I don't have a specific reason for wanting to die. I just feel as if I'm not meant to live, I've literally always felt that way. I've been on so many different medications. I'm on an SSRI for a few years that makes me think about suicide only 70% of the time instead of 99%, so I guess that helps. Anyways , that's me. :)

 

[leader-akiko]

Aloha! 23 years old, born and raised in Hawaii. Currently on Remeron, Abilify and Pristiq. I want to ctb by hanging or N because I want to stop feeling in such mental pain (definitely hereditary). I feel guilt for having money when others lack, yet long for an accepting family and community.

 

[SeventyNine]

Hi, I'm 18 years old, female, from the Czech Rep.
Since I was a kid, I've been suffering from an eating disorder, major depression, and self harm. I was later diagnosed with BPD.
I've been hospitalized several times, tried lots of different meds, therapists... Nothing ever really helped me. Aside from that, I have a seemingly very good life - loving family and friends, good results at school (somehow), and a nice place to live. It seems like I just can't stand living with myself anymore.
I found this community on Reddit, and it has helped me a lot, so I decided to sign up here, after the sub was banned.

 

[BxK]

Hello! I'm...not very good at this kinda thing, and introductions can always be a bit awkward.

I'm a 20 year old male, a hispanic who lives in Texas.

I used to have a lot of social issues, which led to me being bullied quite a lot in 6th grade. After that, I lost a lot of weight and got in shape, and started acting like the other kids, and soon enough...I was a popular kid from then on to 12th grade. Played on the football and basketball team, and had 'friends'.

I saw firsthand how fake everything is, how terrible people are.

I faked a personailty and interests so much, I didn't really know my real personailty. I suppose I never had a chance.

I don't have social issues anymore, and I'm at least confident in my body since working out is all I know how to do and spend my time. But what good is there in making false bonds now? I'm too far gone to believe or care about such things, even though I have the tools to do it. I suppose I'm an idiot, but I don't care.

I know my state of mind is my own fault, I know that.

I have no bonds or purpose, no goals, and my personailty is so hollow, I'm tired. What's the point of trying my hardest and working for things I don't care about, living in a world with people I hate? I know it's selfish, but I guess I'm just selfish. I'm hurting inside constantly, I have nobody, I'm...just alone, and I always will be in this world.

I really hate a lot of the world, between sexual perversion from both guys and girls, cheating, killing, people forcing bad things on others. and just...a lot of the world. The world corrupts and ruins people, all of us.

I hope there is some type of perfect afterlife for all of us, like...once you pass on, it's an eternal world of peace just for the individual, a world where you can have genuine and faithful love with a single person, genuine bonds, and it would be free from all the gross and disgusting people and things forever. A world where nothing bad and nobody bad exists.

I tried to jump once, two years ago, but I couldn't do it. Being honest...my main reason for joining here today is to hopefully find a willing partner on here, somebody smart to help me pass away in a painless and quick manner. Something like carbon monoxide, or a gun.

Sorry if I wrote too much...it probably came out messy since I'm pretty distressed lately. Sorry.

 

[cinderslightly]

Interesting to hear everyone's stories. I've only ever lurked here for the past couple of months since I started my plan but I thought I'd give this a shot. 25 yr old female in London, diagnosed with eating disorders and depression for almost 10 years now but it's just got to the point where I can't rationalise going on with how I feel. I was on anti-depressants long-term but in the past year I felt I haven't been able to rely on them and then I lost my pet which was my biggest purpose in life. I've since stopped taking them since kicking off my plan but it's just made my moods a bit more erratic.

I work in the city during the week in a fairly good job, nice flat which I own but more and more I feel detached from the people around me and end up feeling in quite a state by the time I'm home. I feel bad sometimes because everything should be good but my mind just doesn't seem to agree.

 

[samhelloall9]

Australian. 24. Just waiting to see how things pan out i guess. I'm probably too chicken on my own you see, but still, i find life pretty boring and pretty distaste for my liking, yet here i am still here. just going through the motions. i do have happy moments, eating chocolate, that sort of thing. been on this forum almost three months now, maybe four months. sigh. any aussies feel free to check out my profile y'all.

 

[Pointlessabyss]

Hello All,

Some interesting reads, been a lurker for a while and finally joined up.

I'm 26 Male live in the UK nothing particularly bad has happened in my life, ive always thought I've floated through. I have a decent job in the process of buying a house and life in general should be good. I had a self awakening a few years ago, which I've been managing through various coping mechanisms (alcohol and drugs) as I see life as pointless.

I'd currently describe myself as a functioning mess, no one knows the daily struggles I go through in my mind which has finally won.
I have let two people in before one has simply decided she doesn't want nothing to do with me a few weeks ago after over a year which is probably a contributing factor to where I'm at now, while the other is a close mate but just doesn't get it.

So yeah welcome to my head space where I'm currently getting my affairs in order before finally CTB! No one gets out of this game alive!