Introductions ? You don't have to join in...

[wanttodie]

im 55 years old and want to end my life every want to ctb real bad. I just feel this life thing isn't for me and its constantly draining to have to deal with any of this everyday. hopeing to end it soon

 

[deflagrat]

NEET my whole life. Living as a hikikomori for almost 10 years. I honestly thought I was meant to kill myself until I realized my parents would help me indefinitely. I am 28. To tell you the truth I don't want to be alive, I accept it because it's easy, otherwise I would be dead, and that will eventually happen once I get to 33 (maybe more). I simply pass the time with games and videos, usually I am kind of bored. Not much to say about me, I have schizophrenia and therefore I am partially disabled, which makes me the loser I am.

 

[alice-jane]

hi y'all. i'm alice. i appreciate everyone being here. it is comforting to have this community of like minds, despite the nature of our reasons for being here. i've had depressive slumps my entire life, often for years at a time. my parents say i should get help and then i do and i improve a little but maintaining any contentedness never holds up. i don't really care about anything and don't like to try too hard at anything. i am most content when i can sit and read for long periods and not be bothered. i feel misunderstood by people a lot. i'm an HSP (highly sensitive person). at present, going through a period of realizing how i've been damaged by my narcissistic father and enabler mother and i am filled with hate for them. they think they "spoiled" me and that is why i was alcoholic most my life. it is actually more complicated than that. they gave me material stuff but when i started becoming a teenager with my own thoughts and opinions my dad would fly into rages if i didn't do something perfectly like making the coffee too strong or not cleaning the faucet or a dish to be literally spotless. i have learned a lot of self doubt. everything turned dark in my life during those teenage years, with periods of "happiness" in my 20s and 30s from travel or relationships or from drinking (although drinking led to total misery eventually). even writing this post i am tempted to delete it because it is flawed and i will see it as somehow embarrassing or not exactly the right representation of me.

 

[FullFat]

hi y'all. i'm alice. i appreciate everyone being here. it is comforting to have this community of like minds, despite the nature of our reasons for being here. i've had depressive slumps my entire life, often for years at a time. my parents say i should get help and then i do and i improve a little but maintaining any contentedness never holds up. i don't really care about anything and don't like to try too hard at anything. i am most content when i can sit and read for long periods and not be bothered. i feel misunderstood by people a lot. i'm an HSP (highly sensitive person). at present, going through a period of realizing how i've been damaged by my narcissistic father and enabler mother and i am filled with hate for them. they think they "spoiled" me and that is why i was alcoholic most my life. it is actually more complicated than that. they gave me material stuff but when i started becoming a teenager with my own thoughts and opinions my dad would fly into rages if i didn't do something perfectly like making the coffee too strong or not cleaning the faucet or a dish to be literally spotless. i have learned a lot of self doubt. everything turned dark in my life during those teenage years, with periods of "happiness" in my 20s and 30s from travel or relationships or from drinking (although drinking led to total misery eventually). even writing this post i am tempted to delete it because it is flawed and i will see it as somehow embarrassing or not exactly the right representation of me.

Have you been to r/raisedbynarcissists? https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ You may find some people with similar experiences there. I'm sorry to hear about all you've gone through.

 

[alice-jane]

i have a feeling narcissistic parents make a lot of appearances in our stories here

 

[alice-jane]

thank you—yes! i'm active in that sub.

 

[FullFat]

i have a feeling narcissistic parents make a lot of appearances in our stories here

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be surprised. Thankfully, that is one point in my favor. My dad has a lot of problems, but narcissism isn't one.

 

[alice-jane]

Goddamn, you lived through the worst LGBT nightmare scenario. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that bullshit.l I wouldn't have survived it. My parents were raised Southern Baptist as well. They were raised in rural TN and moved to FL. Thankfully, they aren't huge churchgoers, but I know my dad and my extended family would not respond well at all if I told him I find other women attractive. My mom's response wouldn't be positive either, but she would eventually get over it. All in all, the response I fear isn't really that bad, considering. But even the odds of facing such minor reprisals stops me in my tracks when I think about telling the truth. Props to you for being brave enough to come out. If you don't mind me asking, do you think it was worth it? Would you take it back, or have you closed the door to that chapter of your life?

My preferred method is also gunshot to the head, and I have had substance problems too. Alcohol is the monkey on my back. Never had the chance to try harder drugs than pot.

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be surprised. Thankfully, that is one point in my favor. My dad has a lot of problems, but narcissism isn't one.

i see you mention alcoholism as a monkey on your back. me too. i have found AA to be kind of weird—like just another vehicle to apply fanaticism / addictive tendencies to. how do you feel about AA?

 

[FullFat]

i see you mention alcoholism as a monkey on your back. me too. i have found AA to be kind of weird—like just another vehicle to apply fanaticism / addictive tendencies to. how do you feel about AA?

I'm an atheist, so I figured I would have a real hard time with it. I can barely hold my tongue at family-get-togethers, so I probably wouldn't keep it together at AA. Hell, sitting through the meetings would probably drive me to drink. Feeling isolated isn't conducive to recovery, and taking about religion heavily only cements that feeling for me. I'm still only "out" (of the atheist closet so to speak) to my immediate family, and I hid it from them for over a year.

 

[Dead Girl Don't Care]

Props to you for being brave enough to come out. If you don't mind me asking, do you think it was worth it? Would you take it back, or have you closed the door to that chapter of your life?

You're also gay? It's comforting to know there are other suicidal lesbians out there lol.

Actually, I didn't intend to come out to them EVER, I knew they were homophobic--two and three times a week church goers to boot--and to be honest I didn't want to stay with them any longer than I had to but at the time I needed them and I didn't think they could be so brutal tbh. But it was my cunt sister who revealed my then girlfriend to them and it all spiraled out of control from there.

That said, of course I would absolutely change things if I could go back. I'd be more careful, make sure they never found out and better prepare to get out of their house quicker. But it's all over and in the past and they've disowned me and I don't have to ever see them or pretend I love them so it worked out I guess, but I have more scars than I would like after everything and I know if it was in my control I could have executed everything more tactfully and saved myself some of the torture.

Suffice to say, I've closed the door on that chapter, and I'm lucky to be a couple chapters beyond it because things are much better now--though still fucking shitty--than they were in those following couple of years. I can't get over this feeling of being broken and unclean from it all though, and I doubt I ever really will.

Do you have any siblings? Are you out to any of your friends or anyone?

 

[Catriona]

Hi! I'm 18, female and I live in the UK. I've been suicidal since I was 11 after something traumatic happened. My first suicide attempt was when I was 13 - I was stupid and swallowed a bunch of painkillers and ended up in hospital for a few days puking my guts out. I don't think I was serious about dying back then, being young and still having hope that things will get better. But years have passed, everything has gotten much worse. Eating disorders, depression, anxiety etc. Some people recover and some don't. I'm sick of living.

Anyway, I've decided to end it in the next couple of days. My method will be carbon monoxide, using formic acid and sulphuric acid. I wish I found this forum a bit earlier, I would have loved to chat to the people here, even though I suck at socialising :p

 

[wanttodie]

Hi! I'm 18, female and I live in the UK. I've been suicidal since I was 11 after something traumatic happened. My first suicide attempt was when I was 13 - I was stupid and swallowed a bunch of painkillers and ended up in hospital for a few days puking my guts out. I don't think I was serious about dying back then, being young and still having hope that things will get better. But years have passed, everything has gotten much worse. Eating disorders, depression, anxiety etc. Some people recover and some don't. I'm sick of living.

Anyway, I've decided to end it in the next couple of days. My method will be carbon monoxide, using formic acid and sulphuric acid. I wish I found this forum a bit earlier, I would have loved to chat to the people here, even though I suck at socialising :p

me to still having hope that things will get better. after 20 years of wanting to die But years have passed, everything has gotten much worse. i have depression, anxiety etc. same as you Some people recover and some don't. I'm sick of living and want to end my life to pm if you want before you go take care

 

[FullFat]

You're also gay? It's comforting to know there are other suicidal lesbians out there lol.

Actually, I didn't intend to come out to them EVER, I knew they were homophobic--two and three times a week church goers to boot--and to be honest I didn't want to stay with them any longer than I had to but at the time I needed them and I didn't think they could be so brutal tbh. But it was my cunt sister who revealed my then girlfriend to them and it all spiraled out of control from there.

That said, of course I would absolutely change things if I could go back. I'd be more careful, make sure they never found out and better prepare to get out of their house quicker. But it's all over and in the past and they've disowned me and I don't have to ever see them or pretend I love them so it worked out I guess, but I have more scars than I would like after everything and I know if it was in my control I could have executed everything more tactfully and saved myself some of the torture.

Suffice to say, I've closed the door on that chapter, and I'm lucky to be a couple chapters beyond it because things are much better now--though still fucking shitty--than they were in those following couple of years. I can't get over this feeling of being broken and unclean from it all though, and I doubt I ever really will.

Do you have any siblings? Are you out to any of your friends or anyone?

I'm bi. My attraction to men kept me in denial for many years, lol. I wrote off attraction to women as "girl crushes" or as sizing up competition.

I can't imagine breaking off from family to the extent that you did, though homophobia is more mild in my family than it sounds like it is for yours. The adage, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't something I believe, but you seem like a strong person to have gotten through all that.

As for me being out, only my best friend and some people from grad school know. Many more suspected in high school (and gave me shit about it), but I never confirmed it. The extended family suspects something is up, but they hold back for my parents' sake. I once had a very uncomfortable conversation with my grandmother when I was in undergrad where she basically interrogated me about why I wasn't dating men. I think I convinced her I'm almost asexual, which is preferable to them.

My older brother is as homophobic as it gets but only really for men. He's kind of a jock. Aside from having similar, sour temperaments, we couldn't be more different.

 

[Dead Girl Don't Care]

I can't imagine breaking off from family to the extent that you did, though homophobia is more mild in my family than it sounds like it is for yours. The adage, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't something I believe, but you seem like a strong person to have gotten through all that.

Oh awesome. Heh, I like to think I pride myself on only ever having had one boyfriend, only took one chance to realize that side wasn't for me. But at first, I know exactly what you mean feeling like you're "sizing up the competition," though now I realize why I was looking so long at their boobs and ass lol.

I don't think I'm stronger for it. I was a strong woman when I was starting college before all this, a real feminist I like to think. But after I was disowned I began to lose hope and realize the absurdity of life. And after I was raped, some things just can't ever be pieced back together. I think my seemingly "strong" attitude comes from the philosophy I adopted (realized) out of those days, which is just that absolutely nothing matters and that people are capable of real evil, so now I do what I want and act how I want, and don't rely too much on other people, and try to make the most out of what's left of my life for myself, but I am still very broken and disturbed underneath and not capable of nor desire to do anything great.

Man, you went to grad school that's awesome, what in? The few friends I have know I'm gay, though my most all of my friends are from lesbo circles so there's that. But, I don't make any attempts to hide it anymore from anyone if it comes up. That's funny with your grandmother, reminds me of when I was in the closet, pretending I had a whole collection of guys I was pursuing and learning more about at school, but none of them were proper and christian enough to bring home. I should have claimed the ace card though lol though I fear they would have sold me into an arranged marriage so I could fulfill my role as a good christian woman.

Not necessarily your brother, but men that are homophobic of gay men but fetishize lesbians I find utterly disgusting and cannot stand.

 

[QueerBeerBoi]

Well geez. I guess I should try to put something here.

I'm severally paranoid - protect myself on the forum and don't log onto the Discord - so it's hard to give much information about myself away.

19. Male. Gay. Questioning my gender. Shittiest Part of the USA.

Undiagnosed and Unmedicated - severally depressed - along with whatever complex mental disorders I'm not interested in finding out I have.

I don't do much to let out my feelings - I realize drugs/alcohol/self harm will just make it worse - so I'm just hear building up until I finally build up the courage to ctb.

I'm only really hear because I'm afraid if death - as well as my best friend. The only caring person I have met in this world - I'm living for them - protecting them and helping however I can. In a year I'm going to loose them and at that point I've lost everything - so I guess that's my time.

I'm living on borrowed time.

but yah - I'm here. It's nice. I promise to post more.

If for some reason you were interested more I guess I could tell more - I'm never a fan of pouring my heart out to everyone - but yah I'd like to make friends - even if they don't mean much. Just hit me up... well where ever.

 

[Livide Lamb]

Hey everyone, I'm new here.
I'm a 17 years old female, and what can I say except that I'm here for the same reason as y'all.
I live in a lost corner of France (so I apologize for my bad english). My life is a living nightmare, I guess the main reason why I'm gonna end it all is because of my anxiety and trauma (and ton of other shit) that have been to much to handle. I literally can't do anything anymore, I stay at home all day having panic attacks and crying like a bitch. I can't get out anymore and my paranoia isn't making me feel better... I'm young and shouldn't have that type of problem but at the beginning of 2018 I started to drink a lot to cope with my mental illnesses, it's meh but it make time pass by.
Anyway, I hope I will post more here because I found this site helpful.

 

[silentinbetween]

Hi, I'm new here too, trying to figure out how this works
Im a 17 year old female in california. I have some anxiety issues, some eating disorder issues, lots of depression issues, and not much to live for. not sure about when im gonna CTB, no plans and no way, but honestly that option is all thats getting me through right now. Undiagnosed, unmedicated - my mom found out i was cutting myself and told me i was arrogant and selfish so there's that. self harm is my drug of choice, really, cant get through a day without self destructing a little.
Its really comforting to be here, and hear so many voices speak the thoughts in my head. Thank you

 

[0blivi0n]

Hey. Kinda new here, but I wont be around for long anyways.
I'm 19 & from the UK, been depressed & self harming for 5yrs, suicidal for 3. Attempted when I was 16- tried overdosing but as you can tell that failed. Stupidly attached to my horse; she's pretty much the only reason why I'm not dead yet. There's really not much to know though? Just your typical suicidal person; a little lonely, a little broken, but a 100% ready to die.
Found this site & honestly, its just amazing. I mean, not amazing that everyone wants to die lol, but amazing because I feel like I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.

 

[millefeui]

Hey. Kinda new here, but I wont be around for long anyways.
I'm 19 & from the UK, been depressed & self harming for 5yrs, suicidal for 3. Attempted when I was 16- tried overdosing but as you can tell that failed. Stupidly attached to my horse; she's pretty much the only reason why I'm not dead yet. There's really not much to know though? Just your typical suicidal person; a little lonely, a little broken, but a 100% ready to die.
Found this site & honestly, its just amazing. I mean, not amazing that everyone wants to die lol, but amazing because I feel like I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.

A horse, that is so cool. How old is she? Maybe you could stay around until she passes away. That is my plan, anyways, but I have a dog.

Welcome, by the way.

 

[0blivi0n]

Hey.
She's 19. So in theory, she's got another 10 years if I'm lucky? I just don't want to watch her die. It kills me even thinking about it.

 

[millefeui]

Hey.
She's 19. So in theory, she's got another 10 years if I'm lucky? I just don't want to watch her die. It kills me even thinking about it.

I didn't know horses lived that much. I think I am used to the lifespan of dogs and cats, which is considerably shorter.

I can definitely understand that. Thinking about my dog dying also brings me pain, though I also feel sad when I think of leaving her behind. She is as attached to me as I am to her.

 

[0blivi0n]

Yeah, they usually live to around 30yrs, quite often longer too- I've know my horse since she was 6. With've grown up together.
I totally understand how you feel. Dog, horse, it doesn't matter; I think it always hurts the most to leave behind pets. coz it doesn't matter if your having a bad day or not, they're always the ones that are there for you.

 

[alice-jane]

Hey. Kinda new here, but I wont be around for long anyways.
I'm 19 & from the UK, been depressed & self harming for 5yrs, suicidal for 3. Attempted when I was 16- tried overdosing but as you can tell that failed. Stupidly attached to my horse; she's pretty much the only reason why I'm not dead yet. There's really not much to know though? Just your typical suicidal person; a little lonely, a little broken, but a 100% ready to die.
Found this site & honestly, its just amazing. I mean, not amazing that everyone wants to die lol, but amazing because I feel like I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.

i can relate. my cat is the beautiful energy that keeps me here. i couldn't leave her. she is precious.

 

[SleepItOff]

24, F. Bipolar narcoleptic. Both conditions are highly degenerative, and my cognition is atrophying now in a very painful fashion. I've seen what happens to people like me, and the realization that I'm losing my mind is a bitter pill (no pun intended, ha) to swallow. I'm in physical pain and lethargy throughout the day, and at night I'm tortured in my sleep by my REM cycles. I'm talking nightmares with physical, visceral pain, and other things that are so outrageously disturbing and shameful that they sometimes make me weep when I wake up. It's inescapable, and not even top-line treatments can put a dent in it.

I've had all the medication classes, as well as top-tier treatments (ECT, Ketamine, Xyrem)...everything. Ket infusions helped manage for a while, until I realized they were only making me manic, and that my feelings of improvement were really just me being high for weeks at a time.

I wouldn't wish either of these diseases on anybody. Either one is hard enough to try and live with, and together they're insatiable in what they will destroy.

My only regret in leaving is what it's going to do to those who love me. But I think it's more responsible to cut out cleanly and early (while I still have enough control over my faculties to do so) than delay it any longer while giving false hope to those who care about me. There's no cure for either of these diseases. I can't and won't delude myself.

Sorry if this was ranty, I'm just so exhausted. In every way a person can be.

 

[alice-jane]

24, F. Bipolar narcoleptic. Both conditions are highly degenerative, and my cognition is atrophying now in a very painful fashion. I've seen what happens to people like me, and the realization that I'm losing my mind is a bitter pill (no pun intended, ha) to swallow. I'm in physical pain and lethargy throughout the day, and at night I'm tortured in my sleep by my REM cycles. I'm talking nightmares with physical, visceral pain, and other things that are so outrageously disturbing and shameful that they sometimes make me weep when I wake up. It's inescapable, and not even top-line treatments can put a dent in it.

I've had all the medication classes, as well as top-tier treatments (ECT, Ketamine, Xyrem)...everything. Ket infusions helped manage for a while, until I realized they were only making me manic, and that my feelings of improvement were really just me being high for weeks at a time.

I wouldn't wish either of these diseases on anybody. Either one is hard enough to try and live with, and together they're insatiable in what they will destroy.

My only regret in leaving is what it's going to do to those who love me. But I think it's more responsible to cut out cleanly and early (while I still have enough control over my faculties to do so) than delay it any longer while giving false hope to those who care about me. There's no cure for either of these diseases. I can't and won't delude myself.

Sorry if this was ranty, I'm just so exhausted. In every way a person can be.

i'm so sorry about your condition. i can relate to the lethargy and concern for those who care about you. i've found this a liberating place where you can talk about your feelings and not be judged or criticized and hope you find the same here.

 

[SleepItOff]

i'm so sorry about your condition. i can relate to the lethargy and concern for those who care about you. i've found this a liberating place where you can talk about your feelings and not be judged or criticized and hope you find the same here.

Thank you, that's very kind <3 I definitely appreciate having this space to be loud about my pain if need-be. I love my family so much, and they're as empathetic as they can be, but at the end of the day there's just no way they (or anyone else for that matter) will ever grasp what these conditions do my psyche. In so many ways I lead a very blessed life, and that makes it so much harder to reconcile the strife and the pain. But I suppose everybody here's got a story, right?

 

[El Topo]

24, F. Bipolar narcoleptic. Both conditions are highly degenerative, and my cognition is atrophying now in a very painful fashion. I've seen what happens to people like me, and the realization that I'm losing my mind is a bitter pill (no pun intended, ha) to swallow. I'm in physical pain and lethargy throughout the day, and at night I'm tortured in my sleep by my REM cycles. I'm talking nightmares with physical, visceral pain, and other things that are so outrageously disturbing and shameful that they sometimes make me weep when I wake up. It's inescapable, and not even top-line treatments can put a dent in it.

I've had all the medication classes, as well as top-tier treatments (ECT, Ketamine, Xyrem)...everything. Ket infusions helped manage for a while, until I realized they were only making me manic, and that my feelings of improvement were really just me being high for weeks at a time.

I wouldn't wish either of these diseases on anybody. Either one is hard enough to try and live with, and together they're insatiable in what they will destroy.

My only regret in leaving is what it's going to do to those who love me. But I think it's more responsible to cut out cleanly and early (while I still have enough control over my faculties to do so) than delay it any longer while giving false hope to those who care about me. There's no cure for either of these diseases. I can't and won't delude myself.

Sorry if this was ranty, I'm just so exhausted. In every way a person can be.

Hi SleepItOff, my reason for wanting self-deliverance is chronic illness as well, so I can commiserate. I've been seriously disabled since age 23 (over 10 years now) and pretty much have no external life. Most of my time is spent lying in bed or reading. Not very fun. :)

I've kept going all this time with the hopes that things would improve, but I'm almost out of hope. I understand your concern about the impact it would have on those who love you. I still have family and friends who care about me, and I can't imagine what it would be like for them (just as they can't imagine what it feels like to be in my situation). But I've decided that living just for other people isn't a good enough reason to live.

 

[SleepItOff]

Hi SleepItOff, my reason for wanting self-deliverance is chronic illness as well, so I can commiserate. I've been seriously disabled since age 23 (over 10 years now) and pretty much have no external life. Most of my time is spent lying in bed or reading. Not very fun. :)

I've kept going all this time with the hopes that things would improve, but I'm almost out of hope. I understand your concern about the impact it would have on those who love you. I still have family and friends who care about me, and I can't imagine what it would be like for them (just as they can't imagine what it feels like to be in my situation). But I've decided that living just for other people isn't a good enough reason to live.

I'm sorry to hear that you are where you are as well. I know the "it will get better" mantras and platitudes like the back of my hand; I think people are really reluctant to let go of them when faced with a reality that can't be Disney-fied, as it were. Which I totally understand. And who knows? What's unbearable for one person is so easily surmounted by another, and vice versa.

At the end of the day, nobody knows what's going on inside your body and mind but yourself. And I personally have done a 180 on a lot of my personal convictions since becoming ill myself. All we can do is what we can do, ya know? And of course be realistic when evaluating our circumstances-that's the tricky (and not-so-fun) part.

Sorry to hear about your circumstances </3 If nothing else, I hope the books you've read lately are good ;)

 

[TooLate2582]

35/m from the eastern US. I'm just a general dumpster fire. I'm addicted to my job which consumes my soul but the only way to feel alive is to work more. Self harm through Eating disorders, body dysmorphia, probably PTSD of some flavor, filling voids with booze and sex with women who are just like me; train wrecks....all hidden by a highly functional, attractive, respected and intelligent (so I'm told) shell. My job thrives on dark humor so I'm able to express my issues yet no one ever becomes suspicious. It's great.

Attempted at 12, Learned the system and have been beating it ever since but always have it in my back pocket.

 

[SleepItOff]

35/m from the eastern US. I'm just a general dumpster fire. I'm addicted to my job which consumes my soul but the only way to feel alive is to work more. Eating disorders, body dysmorphia, probably PTSD of some flavor, filling voids with booze and sex with women who are just like me; train wrecks....all hidden by a highly functional, attractive, respected and intelligent (so I'm told) shell. My job thrives on dark humor so I'm able to express my issues yet no one ever becomes suspicious. It's great.

Attempted at 12, failed. Learned the system and have been beating it ever since but always have it in my back pocket.

Welcome to the site! I would say we're happy to have you here, buuuut...you know, haha ;)

I'm sorry to hear about how many comorbid issues you've got going on. As somebody who's struggled with BDD in the past (and to a much lesser extent now) you absolutely have my sympathies. It can be such a daily battle. I've also seen how eating disorders can absolutely ravage people, so I'm very sorry that you have to deal with having both things on your plate (swear that pun was unintentional...). I'm so sorry you have such an unfortunate balancing act, and I hope you find some way towards peace of some sort; it's something we all deserve <3