hello. i don't have a name that i actually identify with, so i can't really introduce myself as such, but i'm just a 23yo university dropout and all-around failure. i will kill myself because my trauma, my awful mood swings, my disabilities and my general rapid deterioration make my life absolutely miserable.
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Member
- Jun 8, 2018
- 63
Hi, just joined. About to turn 30, and have absolutely nothing to show for three decades of life.
Depression and anxiety from the age of 12, sexually and mentally abused, and outlived a younger sibling. Don't talk to half of my family, self harmed a lot over the years and covered from head to toe in scars. Suspecting BPD, working on getting screened for it.
Too much of a coward to CTB despite getting gradually more and more pessimistic and resentful of life.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Depression and anxiety from the age of 12, sexually and mentally abused, and outlived a younger sibling. Don't talk to half of my family, self harmed a lot over the years and covered from head to toe in scars. Suspecting BPD, working on getting screened for it.
Too much of a coward to CTB despite getting gradually more and more pessimistic and resentful of life.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm 39 years old, male. I have Aspergers Syndrome, among other issues. I have a masters degree in history and a certificate in library technical services. But I've funtioned poorly in society. My learning disabilities in communication the non-verbal cognition area can be pretty bad.
In December I had double bypass surgery. In May they had to put a stent in one of my new arteries because it had reblocked even though my cholesterol had plummeted, with the help of statin drugs, to 125 from 254 last November. I'm about 60 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.
In May I started working part time as a front desk trainee at an airplane parts manufacturer that trains disabled people in marketable skills. It has been pretty bad. Im slow at processing things and the multitasking demands are very tough. My mentor in this training was pretty tough on me for the first month. I grew very weary of being criticized by this mentor in her very cold and unpleasant fashion. My anxiety issues were exacerbated.I have 2.5 weeks left of this shit and am constantly expecting to be called out for some mistake and my mentor to indicate that she and the company was terribly inconvenienced by my mistake.
I've got to the point where Im on the lookout for any symptom in my body which might indicate serious disease. I was lucky in May when my chest pain turned out to be restenosis of my artery and I got to miss 4 days of my "training" but eventually I had to back. A few weeks ago I was excited because I discovered a mysterious bruise on one side of my abdomen and a much smaller but similar looking mark on the other side. I originally mistook it for a rash or tick byte and thought "Maybe it's sepsis! Or Meningitis! Maybe it's just Lyme disease but I'll take It!!!" During this period i had an attack of chest heaviness and fairness and I thought "Oh great here it comes!!!" But I visited the doctor a few days later and he couldn't find anything on the EKG and said that my bruising was probably caused by blood thinners. I get heart burn pretty frequently but that seems to be the artery adjusting to the stent. Or possibly GERD or anxiety.
I like going to the hospital , which I've done rarely in my life, not because I want attention, but because it seems to be an avenue to take time out from the struggle to function or possibly to even die if I were to be so lucky.
My father and step mother pretty heavily control my life. With financial dependency comes control. IF you had told me 15 or even 10 years ago that my life would be in this state at this point in time, I don't know what I would have done. I was then in college and under the illusion that I had a good chance to live a fulfilling and dignified life.
I see little ahead but financial dependency and a low wage, unstable future. IF the world would throw a decent amount of dignity my way, it would make things easier but I don't see that on the horizon.
In December I had double bypass surgery. In May they had to put a stent in one of my new arteries because it had reblocked even though my cholesterol had plummeted, with the help of statin drugs, to 125 from 254 last November. I'm about 60 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.
In May I started working part time as a front desk trainee at an airplane parts manufacturer that trains disabled people in marketable skills. It has been pretty bad. Im slow at processing things and the multitasking demands are very tough. My mentor in this training was pretty tough on me for the first month. I grew very weary of being criticized by this mentor in her very cold and unpleasant fashion. My anxiety issues were exacerbated.I have 2.5 weeks left of this shit and am constantly expecting to be called out for some mistake and my mentor to indicate that she and the company was terribly inconvenienced by my mistake.
I've got to the point where Im on the lookout for any symptom in my body which might indicate serious disease. I was lucky in May when my chest pain turned out to be restenosis of my artery and I got to miss 4 days of my "training" but eventually I had to back. A few weeks ago I was excited because I discovered a mysterious bruise on one side of my abdomen and a much smaller but similar looking mark on the other side. I originally mistook it for a rash or tick byte and thought "Maybe it's sepsis! Or Meningitis! Maybe it's just Lyme disease but I'll take It!!!" During this period i had an attack of chest heaviness and fairness and I thought "Oh great here it comes!!!" But I visited the doctor a few days later and he couldn't find anything on the EKG and said that my bruising was probably caused by blood thinners. I get heart burn pretty frequently but that seems to be the artery adjusting to the stent. Or possibly GERD or anxiety.
I like going to the hospital , which I've done rarely in my life, not because I want attention, but because it seems to be an avenue to take time out from the struggle to function or possibly to even die if I were to be so lucky.
My father and step mother pretty heavily control my life. With financial dependency comes control. IF you had told me 15 or even 10 years ago that my life would be in this state at this point in time, I don't know what I would have done. I was then in college and under the illusion that I had a good chance to live a fulfilling and dignified life.
I see little ahead but financial dependency and a low wage, unstable future. IF the world would throw a decent amount of dignity my way, it would make things easier but I don't see that on the horizon.
Revan
Darth
- Jul 8, 2018
- 73
Hey, I'm Revan. I have several mental disorders; one of which is unfortunately untreatable. Quality of life? Mostly nonexistant. I want to CTB mostly because of this, but the injustices perpetrated by society is also a reason. I despise the discrimination against the mentally ill in particular. Ideally would like to die by a Colt 45 to the head, but I'm a poor mofo and can't even afford a firearms license let alone a gun and ammunition. Probably will opt for hanging or plummeting from a high-rise.
Hello
I am a 25yo female. I just joined this site today. Thinking of ctb. I really dont have any very significant external or environmental factors leading me to be on this site. All it is is just inside my head, depression, mostly an inability to deal with ongoing bullying.
So I have booked my first gp appoint tomorrow for the first script (obviously cant ask for 30mg of benzo, 800mg of tagamet, and 30mg of metroclomaride all at once!) And i need to order the sodium nitrite too.
On my last day here I would like to go to the beach to watch the sunset with my dog one last time together. Then we will go home, I will shut myself in my bedroom so he cant get in, put Harry Potter DH part 2 on and take all of the pills and the sn, and fall asleep forever.
I am a 25yo female. I just joined this site today. Thinking of ctb. I really dont have any very significant external or environmental factors leading me to be on this site. All it is is just inside my head, depression, mostly an inability to deal with ongoing bullying.
So I have booked my first gp appoint tomorrow for the first script (obviously cant ask for 30mg of benzo, 800mg of tagamet, and 30mg of metroclomaride all at once!) And i need to order the sodium nitrite too.
On my last day here I would like to go to the beach to watch the sunset with my dog one last time together. Then we will go home, I will shut myself in my bedroom so he cant get in, put Harry Potter DH part 2 on and take all of the pills and the sn, and fall asleep forever.
FTL.Wanderer
Enlightened
- May 31, 2018
- 1,782
Really sorry you hurt so much you ended up here. But welcome. I wanted to adopt a pair of gerbils, but I'm not sure I can hang on long enough to finish caring for them. I worry a lot about leaving behind beings dependent on me, even though my biggest life pain is loneliness animal companions might help ward off. I hope you won't mind me asking what plans you've made for your dog. Peace.
Hi, I'm a 20 yrs old male from Italy.
I struggle everyday with depression for a lot of different things that don't seem to work in my life.
But the worst thing it's that I have scoliosis since the age of 18, and it seems that everyday it gets worse. Until sometime ago I thought that I could fix my back building some muscular mass, then I discovered that whenever I exercise I feel a lot of pain. I can't live with a deformed body. I never had a girlfriend, and I feel like that even if I could have one whenever she will see or touch my body, she will discover this horrible deformity. I am a genetic mistake, I bring with myself some infamous genes. Maybe in nature I could survive, but I'm a sentient and self-aware being, so I can unterstand by myself that I have to physically eliminate my body, and I don't have to spread my genes.
I didn't want anything special in my life, I wanted only to be normal, but apparently it's not possible. I do not know why, but I have to suffer, everyday, for something I never choose.
There is no god, or, if he exist, he's a sadic one. There's no justice, no reward.
It's, at this point, from one year ago that I want only to kill myself.
But I'm scared, because I fear pain, and, deep into myself I don't want to die, but I have to.
I tried several times to jump from an high cliff, and recently I tried to hang myself with partial suspension, but obiouvsly I failed because of this irrational fear of death. I hope to not fail the next time, I hope that I will not be a coward. Yes because killing yourself it's not an act of cowardice, as stupid people say, instead, living your life passively, without being able to make decisions, it's an act of cowardice.
Sorry for my bad english, and hope that you all will find some peace: whatever your decision will be, the important thing it's being able to respect your decisions.
I struggle everyday with depression for a lot of different things that don't seem to work in my life.
But the worst thing it's that I have scoliosis since the age of 18, and it seems that everyday it gets worse. Until sometime ago I thought that I could fix my back building some muscular mass, then I discovered that whenever I exercise I feel a lot of pain. I can't live with a deformed body. I never had a girlfriend, and I feel like that even if I could have one whenever she will see or touch my body, she will discover this horrible deformity. I am a genetic mistake, I bring with myself some infamous genes. Maybe in nature I could survive, but I'm a sentient and self-aware being, so I can unterstand by myself that I have to physically eliminate my body, and I don't have to spread my genes.
I didn't want anything special in my life, I wanted only to be normal, but apparently it's not possible. I do not know why, but I have to suffer, everyday, for something I never choose.
There is no god, or, if he exist, he's a sadic one. There's no justice, no reward.
It's, at this point, from one year ago that I want only to kill myself.
But I'm scared, because I fear pain, and, deep into myself I don't want to die, but I have to.
I tried several times to jump from an high cliff, and recently I tried to hang myself with partial suspension, but obiouvsly I failed because of this irrational fear of death. I hope to not fail the next time, I hope that I will not be a coward. Yes because killing yourself it's not an act of cowardice, as stupid people say, instead, living your life passively, without being able to make decisions, it's an act of cowardice.
Sorry for my bad english, and hope that you all will find some peace: whatever your decision will be, the important thing it's being able to respect your decisions.
Hi
I'm here because the SS reddit page was a close friend last year when i went through my roughest patch since 14 years. i have always never seen the point of being here - i feel passive and that everything comes to nothing, and accept that. i reckon i'll jump one day (finally) with a smile on my face
I'll introduce myself here, since I haven't done so already. I'm a 31-year-old female with autism, social anxiety, selective mutism, depression, PMDD, and a ton of digestive disorders. As a result of all that, my overall quality of life is quite low these days, especially since my job tends to sap me of what little energy I have during the day. (It doesn't help, either, that I've got tons of stressors weighing on me, which I'd like to keep private for the time being.)
I'm just giving up more and more on life with each passing day, especially since there's far too much hatred and discrimination towards disabled people like me these days.
I'm just giving up more and more on life with each passing day, especially since there's far too much hatred and discrimination towards disabled people like me these days.
ultraviolet sin
RUDEBOY
- Jul 17, 2018
- 93
I'm a 27 yo male. I've been married twice. Still married now. I relocated to Seattle the last year, got a successful job. All was well. Except for my crippling depression and anxiety that manifests in so many different ways, I may as well be crazy.
I'm left with little recourse for the last week or so of my life. I've been abusive in my relationship, she has begun to move on woth a gf in Tucson, and I let my job go with virtually any sadness.
I'm now just here to speak with people who understand my purpose. And to hopefully be of some help to others.
I'm left with little recourse for the last week or so of my life. I've been abusive in my relationship, she has begun to move on woth a gf in Tucson, and I let my job go with virtually any sadness.
I'm now just here to speak with people who understand my purpose. And to hopefully be of some help to others.
Hi
Yes, having my dog has been what kept me here this long. I have been so lucky to have him. The companionship from an animal is really nice to have, I love gerbils that being said I love all animals.
My dog is very very much loved by my sister, as if he were her own. Sometimes my sister comes to my house just to see him. I know in my heart 100% just how much love she has for him and knowing he will be more than ok when I am gone brings me comfort. Also I have a pretty decent death cover on my insurance so it will help her with the means of having a dog.
Hello, anyone who reads this.
I am a 23 year old transman, please don't pass judgement. Im short, brown, and pretty outspoken when it comes to death and dying. I do not typically get along with other transfolk ive met so far cause I'm a pretty big asshole. I had found this forum before and was too nervous to join. I am very happy to be surrounded by individuals of a same level.
I am a funeral arranger/embalmer. There isn't anything else I can see myself doing career wise in the great American capitalist, besides being surrounded by death. It opens up a whole lot, but let me say; nothing really changes. I envy the heck out of the people I serve simply because man, it would be damn peaceful to be there and not here; and I'll tell you, it seems absolutely peaceful.
I hope to become a welcome member of your community, and I am open to answering any questions that may pertain to what I do. I do appreciate you all. Thanks!
I am a 23 year old transman, please don't pass judgement. Im short, brown, and pretty outspoken when it comes to death and dying. I do not typically get along with other transfolk ive met so far cause I'm a pretty big asshole. I had found this forum before and was too nervous to join. I am very happy to be surrounded by individuals of a same level.
I am a funeral arranger/embalmer. There isn't anything else I can see myself doing career wise in the great American capitalist, besides being surrounded by death. It opens up a whole lot, but let me say; nothing really changes. I envy the heck out of the people I serve simply because man, it would be damn peaceful to be there and not here; and I'll tell you, it seems absolutely peaceful.
I hope to become a welcome member of your community, and I am open to answering any questions that may pertain to what I do. I do appreciate you all. Thanks!
FTL.Wanderer
Enlightened
- May 31, 2018
- 1,782
I haven't been here for a few days, but coming back to read your message made me happy, even if briefly. I'm thinking about how you and your dog must have shared a lot of love. I'm envious, but still very happy you both had it. Thank you for sharing this with me.
A technical question: how long generally does an insured have to wait before her/his policy must still cover death from suicide? Best to you and your canine companion.
FTL.Wanderer
Enlightened
- May 31, 2018
- 1,782
I'm kind of new myself, but a big welcome. I wanted to be an embalmer for the same reason you shared. But now I'm too old. I identified a lot with your comments. Thanks for that and welcome again.
Azure
Little Chemist
- Jun 13, 2018
- 133
Hearing all your life stories breaks my heart. I hope you can find peace somewhere and a place of acceptance here meanwhile.
Hmmm, do you mean how long after the policy begins? Or how long after the death can my family make the claim?
FTL.Wanderer
Enlightened
- May 31, 2018
- 1,782
I meant the first one--how long between the policy starting and it still being valid if the insured commits suicide. (Thanks)
I'm 30/ male american.
I suffer from bi polar,borderline personality disorder,depression n it's a list.
I was doing ok had a girl for almost 8 years, house all that fun stuff. Then one day an ex contacted me..congrats I had a daughter. As u can imagine my gf didn't take that well...I got to know the 9 year old over the next few months n I love that kid. Her mom went phyco n stopped talking to me..cut me off outs no where 100 percent. GF decided we should move closer to her parents a few states away...less then a month with her mom whispering in her ear n she has me locked in a phyc ward n leaves me..n she took everything.... Stayed on my sister's couch for a bit tried a few ametuer attempts. Failed.. started getting help. Kids mom contacts me outa the blue a year after she stopped talking to me n I'm starting to find peace..tells me she loves me,wants to make it work. I donated plasma twice a week every week n gave her every dime to.make sure her n kid were ok. Whole time she's got a GF behind my back. I'm struggling n doing everything I can to help her. Destroying my life..she treats me like dirt she can't wait to throw away. Few months ago she did. I've got nothing n no one. I lost the help I was getting..off my meds, have no hope for a future. I'm staying with my mom but that can't last long. Fighting for SSI but it's not looking good. I just have nothing left In the tank.. I can't make it in this world. To add to the fun stuff I got drugged a while back n it mixed with my meds n caused some brain damage..now when I get really nervouse or something I have seizures...what little family I had left wants nothing to do with me now..their afraid I'm gonna have one in front of their kids n tramatize them or something.
So I'm hoping to somehow get enough together for a bottle of n. Any help n info is appreaciated .Then on one of my really bad days gonna down it. If I somehow survive I'll move to China and teach English n see what happens. But hoping it does the trick n whatever god or afterlife awaits understands n forgives me for being so weak..
Sorry bout all the bad spelling n the long rant..it just kinda poured out.
I suffer from bi polar,borderline personality disorder,depression n it's a list.
I was doing ok had a girl for almost 8 years, house all that fun stuff. Then one day an ex contacted me..congrats I had a daughter. As u can imagine my gf didn't take that well...I got to know the 9 year old over the next few months n I love that kid. Her mom went phyco n stopped talking to me..cut me off outs no where 100 percent. GF decided we should move closer to her parents a few states away...less then a month with her mom whispering in her ear n she has me locked in a phyc ward n leaves me..n she took everything.... Stayed on my sister's couch for a bit tried a few ametuer attempts. Failed.. started getting help. Kids mom contacts me outa the blue a year after she stopped talking to me n I'm starting to find peace..tells me she loves me,wants to make it work. I donated plasma twice a week every week n gave her every dime to.make sure her n kid were ok. Whole time she's got a GF behind my back. I'm struggling n doing everything I can to help her. Destroying my life..she treats me like dirt she can't wait to throw away. Few months ago she did. I've got nothing n no one. I lost the help I was getting..off my meds, have no hope for a future. I'm staying with my mom but that can't last long. Fighting for SSI but it's not looking good. I just have nothing left In the tank.. I can't make it in this world. To add to the fun stuff I got drugged a while back n it mixed with my meds n caused some brain damage..now when I get really nervouse or something I have seizures...what little family I had left wants nothing to do with me now..their afraid I'm gonna have one in front of their kids n tramatize them or something.
So I'm hoping to somehow get enough together for a bottle of n. Any help n info is appreaciated .Then on one of my really bad days gonna down it. If I somehow survive I'll move to China and teach English n see what happens. But hoping it does the trick n whatever god or afterlife awaits understands n forgives me for being so weak..
Sorry bout all the bad spelling n the long rant..it just kinda poured out.
Hello,
I'm a 25 yr old male from the midwest USA. I'm suicidal because I have basically been extremely unlucky and a failure. It starts with my parents. My parents are both immigrants. My father is a white man from an area in Europe and he came to the USA and married my asian mother. My mom has paranoid schizophrenia. I am also an only child. Looking back - this is the main reason I have had such a hard time socializing and succeeding. I have been crippled by my parents' incompetence from the start. I actually don't even really know my parents. However it doesn't take much to tell that something is off with my father also. He is a strange man that doesn't really have many friends and is also very unsuccessful (money-wise and generally) despite having a pHD.
Another big reason is I have intense chronic pain. I used to be fairly athletic until several awful injuries destroyed my body. I have lumbar facet arthropathy along with 2 knee surgeries. Lumbar facet arthropathy is a lower back issue where there is a feedback loop of intense nerve pain and inflammation of the facet joint. This has basically ruined my life as it started when I was 21 years old.
In general, I constantly feel alienated amongst everyone in this area, don't really see a path to success other than just being a wage slave (not really guaranteed success either), and dislike most of my "friends" who are pretty awful people that think they're better than me.
I have sought help from a therapist + psychiatrist for 2 years and I have reached a place where I have tried numerous drugs that don't really help. In fact - it has gotten to the point where I will just ask my psychiatrist for whatever I want and he'll say to try it because he knows how fucked up my life is - I'm not even mentally ill, I just have been fucked over so hard that I am a shell of my former self. I literally have a prescription for Ritalin because we're at the point of extreme desperation drug-wise.
I have a few thousand dollars saved up from like 2 months of work so I am planning to hopefully spend it all and off myself. I just need to properly design a way to kill myself with CO or nembutal.
I am severely suicidal because I literally have nothing. I only work a job at a biotech company. I don't even consider that a positive. It's a miracle I have made it this far without a single genuine friendship or any love whatsoever. My therapist has even stated that to me in plain english.
I'm a 25 yr old male from the midwest USA. I'm suicidal because I have basically been extremely unlucky and a failure. It starts with my parents. My parents are both immigrants. My father is a white man from an area in Europe and he came to the USA and married my asian mother. My mom has paranoid schizophrenia. I am also an only child. Looking back - this is the main reason I have had such a hard time socializing and succeeding. I have been crippled by my parents' incompetence from the start. I actually don't even really know my parents. However it doesn't take much to tell that something is off with my father also. He is a strange man that doesn't really have many friends and is also very unsuccessful (money-wise and generally) despite having a pHD.
Another big reason is I have intense chronic pain. I used to be fairly athletic until several awful injuries destroyed my body. I have lumbar facet arthropathy along with 2 knee surgeries. Lumbar facet arthropathy is a lower back issue where there is a feedback loop of intense nerve pain and inflammation of the facet joint. This has basically ruined my life as it started when I was 21 years old.
In general, I constantly feel alienated amongst everyone in this area, don't really see a path to success other than just being a wage slave (not really guaranteed success either), and dislike most of my "friends" who are pretty awful people that think they're better than me.
I have sought help from a therapist + psychiatrist for 2 years and I have reached a place where I have tried numerous drugs that don't really help. In fact - it has gotten to the point where I will just ask my psychiatrist for whatever I want and he'll say to try it because he knows how fucked up my life is - I'm not even mentally ill, I just have been fucked over so hard that I am a shell of my former self. I literally have a prescription for Ritalin because we're at the point of extreme desperation drug-wise.
I have a few thousand dollars saved up from like 2 months of work so I am planning to hopefully spend it all and off myself. I just need to properly design a way to kill myself with CO or nembutal.
I am severely suicidal because I literally have nothing. I only work a job at a biotech company. I don't even consider that a positive. It's a miracle I have made it this far without a single genuine friendship or any love whatsoever. My therapist has even stated that to me in plain english.
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41 year old white female in US. I'm a prostitute and addict. I manage to sort of get by. I have an apartment but very lonely and I had no kids due to abortions. I'm not close to any family and don't really have friends. Anyway, I've just been taking measures to end my life in a humane way so I can stop pathologizing society with what I do for a living. Yea I know it helps some people that I do this but it doesn't make me feel good about myself yet I don't know how to just stop because I know I'll end up right back in it as soon as I try some other horrible job out there lol! Sorry I keep repeating my pathetic life story here :( hopefully I won't be on here much longer.
Hi,
I'm a male around 30 (no need to be specific around this point a few years give or take make little difference) in dusty Australia.
I never really got along with the vast majority of people around me for as long as I can remember. Over the years the more I learned about how our modern society and economy operated the more revulsion I felt towards others and myself for participating in such a system as well as its inevitable collapse.
Eventually I just didn't want to participate anymore and tried to kill myself by charcoal carbon monoxide poisoning in a tent in the middle of nowhere early this year. Like a moron I assumed it would work so well that I even locked the keys in the car beforehand because I didn't want to make it easy for whoever found me to steal it.
Turned out either the tent was too well ventilated or I wasn't burning the charcoal right because I was merely nauseous from it and obviously survived. I then tried dehydration and made it 4 days before chickening out and calling for help.
Spent a week in a mental health care ward. It was relatively comfortable and pretty boring but I still recognized the prison that it was. I realized I got incredibly lucky though because I managed to convince the staff that they didn't need to give any sort of medication so at least I spent the week with a clear head (literally everyone else there was on at least one form of medication). I got out by faking a "recovery".
Moved to a nearby city that was less crowded and lower cost. I've been unemployed right up until now and have pretended to look for work while living a basic life (compared to most people in the west anyway).
I lurked around on the SS forum on reddit and then this forum for a while and registered recently since I can't talk to anyone else about this. If my family or few friends I have were to find out what I'm doing I'd end up back in some mental health ward (and most likely won't be able to convince the staff this time not to give me drugs).
What's kept me going all this time was a combination of guilt, curiosity and trying again to work up the courage needed to try killing myself once again and do it right.
Well here I am now, almost ready to go. I'm not interested in wage slavery nor am I interested in trying to sell crap to people under my own business. I'm not interested in participating in this pointless grind for some distant carrot in the form of retirement/pension (and that's assuming the system even lasts that long) and then slowly rotting and dying.
I've taken away my last financial crutch (unemployment benefits) and will do a partial suspension hanging just over a couple of weeks from now. In the meantime I'll amuse myself and learn more about the world to try to quench my unquenchable curiosity.
Congrats if you actually managed to read this entire intro, I tried to condense it as much as pawsible ;3
I'm a male around 30 (no need to be specific around this point a few years give or take make little difference) in dusty Australia.
I never really got along with the vast majority of people around me for as long as I can remember. Over the years the more I learned about how our modern society and economy operated the more revulsion I felt towards others and myself for participating in such a system as well as its inevitable collapse.
Eventually I just didn't want to participate anymore and tried to kill myself by charcoal carbon monoxide poisoning in a tent in the middle of nowhere early this year. Like a moron I assumed it would work so well that I even locked the keys in the car beforehand because I didn't want to make it easy for whoever found me to steal it.
Turned out either the tent was too well ventilated or I wasn't burning the charcoal right because I was merely nauseous from it and obviously survived. I then tried dehydration and made it 4 days before chickening out and calling for help.
Spent a week in a mental health care ward. It was relatively comfortable and pretty boring but I still recognized the prison that it was. I realized I got incredibly lucky though because I managed to convince the staff that they didn't need to give any sort of medication so at least I spent the week with a clear head (literally everyone else there was on at least one form of medication). I got out by faking a "recovery".
Moved to a nearby city that was less crowded and lower cost. I've been unemployed right up until now and have pretended to look for work while living a basic life (compared to most people in the west anyway).
I lurked around on the SS forum on reddit and then this forum for a while and registered recently since I can't talk to anyone else about this. If my family or few friends I have were to find out what I'm doing I'd end up back in some mental health ward (and most likely won't be able to convince the staff this time not to give me drugs).
What's kept me going all this time was a combination of guilt, curiosity and trying again to work up the courage needed to try killing myself once again and do it right.
Well here I am now, almost ready to go. I'm not interested in wage slavery nor am I interested in trying to sell crap to people under my own business. I'm not interested in participating in this pointless grind for some distant carrot in the form of retirement/pension (and that's assuming the system even lasts that long) and then slowly rotting and dying.
I've taken away my last financial crutch (unemployment benefits) and will do a partial suspension hanging just over a couple of weeks from now. In the meantime I'll amuse myself and learn more about the world to try to quench my unquenchable curiosity.
Congrats if you actually managed to read this entire intro, I tried to condense it as much as pawsible ;3
I'm 27 years old and female and I live in Germany. I dumped two college degrees because they weren't working out for me after around 5 years of college study where I l live and then started a new training program to be a pharmacy technician which involves standing all day. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Mortons neuroma's in both feet which have been growing worse and worse and also chronic migraine. I am very sensitive and take everything very close to heart. Careerwise, I am a complete failure and am now in a lot of physical pain. I always knew I would kill myself, but I always assumed that would be somewhere in old age. Now I lost my job and am at home while my boyfriend works. I am now facing surgery for my neuromas and have no idea how my career will work out. I don't want to die quite yet, but there is a risk of nerve damage from the surgery that will make my current pain even worse. I can walk for 1-2 hours per day, that's it, so I can't complete my program and work in my chosen career. My family is very successful. All of my friends left me at some point or other and now I only have 1 friend left. I really wanted to have kids and to change my life but I have no idea how as now I am at home all the time. I don't want to live like this, but I can't die either. I just hate it. If I would get cancer, I would be happy!!!
RaptorHavx
Drowning in loneliness...
- Aug 15, 2018
- 120
Hey, I've just found this thread. I'm quite new on these forums, so let me introduce myself. I'm a 23 years old guy, living in UK for already 3 years. I can't say my life is terrible, but definitely it's getting harder and harder to enjoy in any way. Since I remember I was always a kind of lone wolf, not by my "choice". For a long time I knew that something is wrong about me. I could never properly socialise with people around. That made me spent countless days alone, never hanging out. Not a surprise that I was bullied at school, and since my family split, it started to be painful. I can contact only one of my family members, but I don't feel that bond to be strong. Basically no one to speak to... When it comes to illness, I had this compulsive thinking developed, and depression which I didn't know is a depression for a long time, probably started around my 16's. Also, I got light case of asthma, so my stamina is hugely affected. When I was at university I really started to break down mentally, I wanted to quit at 17, but obviously no courage to do so. I've started cutting myself as that gave me relief from stress. Knowing, I got no chance to finish uni and arguing a lot with my dad, who never understood me, I had no hope at this point. No spark, no motivation, no future, lifeless... that was time when it happened, I've somehow managed to run far away from my problems for some time... and found myself abroad in UK. Obviously, totally alone as always. Things weren't so bad for a while. I got my first car, started traveling to different places, saving some money, but loneliness and depression strike soon after. What can I say, after so many years it's just slowly consuming you, there is no escape. You lose interest in any activities you 've used to enjoy before, that's really awful. At worst point I've spent weeks just working and lying in bed, only eating at canteen, doing completely nothing, but fantasising about my death... Then I got some antidepressive pills after visiting my dad and being forced to see psychiatrist. That helped... I fell dizzy, and confused, but at last I'm not pinned to bed... Imagining future make me feels sick, I don't want to experience it, here is when I started planning to leave... I've booked a holiday at work (assuming I may fail and have to come back) and planned a car trip to Scotland, which is supposed to be last one. In fact I'm on way right now. I've put some notes at my room, and felt everything behind: my job, belongings, plans, issues, worries and people. There's just me, my car and hundreds miles of roads now... feels good to be... "free... at last for a while". The idea is to never come back from this trip, but in fact I have no idea what will happen and if I really will be able to finish it. I hope so... Now a bit about my interests. I used to be notorious gamer, but no longer after escape to UK. At high school I was interested in electronics and I was building my own projects. I'm also a fan of Japanese culture, since 17, I was learning language, chatting with some people online and started watching anime. In UK I got my first car and I started to drive a lot, to see new places or just wander around wasting my fuel... and yes, after all I feel terrible knowing that it's a huge waste to experience some good things in very "dimmed" way. No excitement, joy, passion, makes me want to stop any of these - I guess depression speaking here... It just feels bad, because I know, if I would be a normal person I would feel all of there things completely different, I mean fully and worthy. So, yeah, that's me, currently running on venflafaxine (might be a typo), not for long though. So, I'm in Yorkshire now, sitting in my car and writing this, after I left hotel on my 3rd day of trip...
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
Im 35 and 3 years ago i had severe reaction to a prescritption med that has left me like a lobotmised zombie with phsycial torture symptoms on top. I just wanted to live and I feel like the drug damage has pushed me to die when was last thing I wanted.
RaptorHavx
Drowning in loneliness...
- Aug 15, 2018
- 120
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
Thank you..I had a life before Dr meddling with mental health drugs
47 year old guy from London, called Tengo (coincidentally just like Tengo from Murakami's 1Q84 - so yeah, that's not my real name). I have a physical disability which means that something like hanging isn't possible. I also have Aspergers, just to add into the nice combination of things. The latter means I'm socially useless. I haven't seen anyone since February last year (and that was only briefly). In the 2 years since my mother (who lived nearby to me) in 2016, I've seen people a grant total of twice. I was abused when I was young - the memory of that, the feel that I'm utterly worthless, friendless and useless makes me want to get off this mortal coil as soon as possible. Only problem is that I'm not sure I can work up the nerve. Argh.
uxorious
Member
- Aug 17, 2018
- 58
Hi there, I'm a 22 year old girl from UK - London... found out this year I've got a terminal illness and I will slowly die in about 5-10 years. I have massive issues with PTSD from sexual abuse , anxiety , self harming , alcohol.... become useless and a burden to everyone round me. I've realized I am an awful person who is too paranoid to trust others, and I have hurt basically everyone in my life. Dropped out of uni , lost my girlfriend (I'm a lesbian) , and stopped my job. Hoping to hang myself soon in my flat , once my parents have gone away a bit.
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Brokenanddeadinside
Arcanist
- Aug 8, 2018
- 403
Hi I am 28 in the US and have Bipolar and BPD I have beyond fucked over my life from self destructing. In a week I will be homeless i have always thought about killing myself and have came close a few times. I just live my life and see how much pain I can endure.
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