Introductions ? You don't have to join in...

[OneEyedUK]

Hey all,
So I'm on here and on Discord, and there seems to be more and more new members, and when ever that happens, there is usually a point where someone asks' what brings you here'??
PLEASE do not feel like you MUST join in with this.. I'm only doing it so that if I'm asked again, I can send people to this post and it saves me writing it all out again and again.

So just to introduce myself briefly. I'm 53, M-F transgendered, but NOT full time and shockingly, I live in the UK.

I'm 90% blind in my right eye, and on a lot of medication which is why I'm not working right now.

I have a family of my own that don't live with me, 3 kids, 4 grandkids who are a major reason why, over the past 5 years or so I have never really come close tot CTB.

I'm here cause I may be totally blind within the next yr or so, and before that I may be homeless due to our wonderful governments benefit system. Some people are able to cope with homelessness, and absolute poverty, and TOTAL blindness, I'm not one of them. If and when it gets to this stage of losing all my sight, belongings and my flat (apartment), I will CTB.

My passion is photography, you'll see me post a lot in the pics channel on Discord... again.. loosing my sight puts an end to this... can't even imagine life without it.

If you've got this far, well done and I look forward to reading anything that anyone replies with.

 

[Lotharius]

Don't blame you one bit if you were to lose your home, especially with a disability such as complete blindness. Have to say it surprises me to see homeless people still mobile where I live. Is suicide a thought to most of them I wonder? Thanks for sharing, I can relate as kids are the main reason I have been able to stay the last few years. Best wishes to you

 

[OneEyedUK]

Have to say it surprises me to see homeless people still mobile where I live. Is suicide a thought to most of them I wonder?

This is going to sound terrible.. but .... I think the people who are new to the homeless scene must think about it a lot.. but most of them.. are either so drunk or out of their minds on drugs, to numb the pain of the cold etc, that they probably dont think about CTB anymore ... which is the place I am most worried about getting too...
Thanks for your reply.. if your on discord give me a shout and we can chat families :)

 

[OneEyedUK]

Hello. Nice to meet you.

I'm a 17 year old female who lives in the US.
............ but whether or not I'll actually go through with my plans is yet to be determined.

Hi Okami, thank you very much for sharing with everyone, and well done for everything you have done in helping people connected to this subject....

I am of a similar mind to yourself.. still don't know if I will ever CTB... we will see what the future brings.. in the mean time.. we have each other to lean on. x

 

[that_guy2611]

Hi, thought I'd chime in. I'm 24, To be honest I don't think I have a really 'valid' reason to suicidal.
I'm a very lonely,needy and ugly bastard. I've never been in a relationship or even had any friends. The loneliness finally got to me a few months ago.
I'm now waiting for the right moment when I don't expect to be disturbed so I could drink the N.

 

[retinalworm]

Hello. I've been riding the discord rollercoaster as well. Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks like this.

 

[gayprince.exe]

Hi, I'm 24 and living in New York. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and all my life, I've been suicidal. Even as a kid, I would scratch at my arms to feel better and there have been constant instances in which my mother had to pull me back and away from the train tracks. She labelled it as "curiosity gone too far" but I was actually wondering what it would be like to die on the train tracks. It wasn't until I hit my early teen years and discovered self harm and drugs. I may be suicidal but I have a baby brother who I love so dearly and who loves me so in a way, I'm suffering through life to let him be happy. We enjoy so many things together and from his POV, I don't think I want to lose my oldest sibling to suicide. I also have a boyfriend whom I have promised to not attempt suicide or do anything that may lead to my death which is serious because I don't make promises I won't keep. Right now, I'm just trying to live a quiet life and being around this kind of community helps me. It comforts me that I can come here and talk to people like me and not be judged.

 

[ondodera]

Hi, 22 living in Texas. I don't have a lot of reasons as to why i'm here besides the fact that I genuinely have very few reasons to actually enjoy existing. I've always been very self-destructive with the choices I make in life and i'm tired of constantly feeling grief over that. Don't know when i'll CTB but it's certainly a plan, glad to be here.

 

[Dumblady]

Nice to meet you.

I'm 30/F in the US, wanted to ctb since age 8. Always felt wrong in my own skin and the world in general. I can't engage or enjoy anything without drugs. I guess I've lead a difficult life at times but overall I play it safe and just maintain/don't take risks. I'm mostly a hermit; all of my good friends left the state and I'm just sort of here, floating to nowhere.

I'd list out hobbies but I've stopped enjoying anything since who knows when. I guess I'm just a worthless shell taking up oxygen waiting for my ticket out.

 

[OneEyedUK]

I won't reply to each and every one of you, but thank you for sharing with us all.

I came here not knowing what I was really looking for. I knew I wasn't ready to CTB right now, and for the first few days it was all a blur.

Can I just say one thing... within this community there are so many abbreviations that people use that I am STILL trying to learn them all... I had no IDEA what CTB meant when I first got on reddit's SS, and I was wondering if one of the Mods might want to start a thread highlighting some of the more common ones.... I think a lot are used for the methods people use.... I'm only suggesting this because if I didn't know.. then how many other don't who are too shy to ask ????

And finally, I don't think it matters why we are here or on Discord. We have a need... and these places meet that need... no more explanation is needed - all are welcome I am sure.

 

[Hikingcat]

I'm 26 and I live in the US. I started thinking about suicide pretty seriously when I was 14, tried at 16. I've thought about it off and on with varying levels of seriousness since then. I bought some pentobarbital last year and was on the verge of doing it, but then I met my boyfriend and my life took a turn for the better. I'm at a place where I'm not about to kill myself, but I don't want to give it up as an option. I still think about suicide a lot. So for me I guess it's just depression that's gotten me here.

 

[that_guy2611]

I'm 26 and I live in Washington state. I started thinking about suicide pretty seriously when I was 14, tried at 16. I've thought about it off and on with varying levels of seriousness since then. I bought some pentobarbital last year and was on the verge of doing it, but then I met my boyfriend and my life took a turn for the better. I'm at a place where I'm not about to kill myself, but I don't want to give it up as an option. I still think about suicide a lot. So for me I guess it's just depression that's gotten me here.

Just FYI I'm really jealous of you. I always thought that I'd find someone too and find reason to live blah blah blah. I was so fucking close to drinking my pento yesterday I still get pissed just thinking about it.

 

[DeathAngel]

Hi everyone !

I'm a 18 year old girl who lives in France (so excuse my english). I'm severely depressive since 4 years because a lot of things but principaly 'cause of my family who hates me. They insult me and criticize me all day long and sometimes they hit me without valid reasons.

2 years ago I was read a book that talk about a girl who registered on a suicide website and thanks to them she found a solution to put an end to her days so that inspired me and now here I am on the forum hahaha !!

I tried twice and i'm unfortunately still in life so now I wait the good moment and mostly the good way to kill myself because I don't want to fail this time.

Sorry I wrote too much and my English is imperfect but I hope you understood me and thank you to those who read until the end.

 

[sleepy]

Not quite sure how this website correctly works. But I guess I'll introduce myself, I'm a 17yr old female from the US
I have no valid reason for my suicidal tendencies.
I'm depressed fat useless and annoying I suppose. I just don't see a future for myself, I'm excited to get into a community before I go, I guess!

 

[J Rider]

Hello everyone, I'm a 60 year old guy living in the US midwest. I'd been lurking on /r/sanctionedsuicide for about 3 months before the ban hammer came down.

I've known for a long time that suicide would be my final exit, just because I don't want to end up like most old people do in the US, dying piece by piece and in pain. Have always been a really independent, non-social type; so don't want others having to "care" for me as I deteriorate. I'm in good shape for my age, but had a recent health scare that let me know I should be thinking seriously about being ready when the time comes.

 

[agreement]

I'm here.
49/M from Italy.
First attempt at 14 y/o, last attempt 13 months ago.
r/ss vet. currently looking for a direction, not actively suicidal and self harming, but still ready to CTB anytime.
Basically deeply depressed.
Current diagnosis MDD and BP-II.
Just tired.
Hi to all those that have shared with me their thoughts and feeling on r/ss.

 

[Dead Girl Don't Care]

That's terrible and I understand and relate to you deeply. I've always said if I was blind or paralyzed I would use the most immediate method of ctb.

As for me, I'm 24, female, live in the Midwest US.

When I was 19 I was utterly disowned by my immediate family for being lesbian despite their deeply-held Southern Baptist upbringing. I was kicked out of their house which threw my life off the otherwise stable and contented rails; I was in college at the time and eventually had to drop out. I didn't have a place to stay or any plans so I was homeless, penniless and couch surfing for two years during which I was physically and sexually assaulted and all the while no one from my family gave a single shit, I might as well be dead to them. It's a wonder I didn't end it back then.

I quickly learned how cruel and disgusting the world was. I spent the days high on Adderall and Oxy until my body rejected it and every dose was met with panic attacks. My drug became self harm, which I'm ashamed to say I'm still dependent on.

Things have gotten better in the past two years but not enough to make me care about life in any real sense. I've become cold to existence and a stanch nihilist. I've seen the inside of torturous behavioral health wards and known the extent of human apathy. There is no going back.

My firm choice is when things get bad, or worse, or unpleasant to my degree I am going end it. Life is a gamble and I won't endure any more loses while I'm playing it. Break even or cash out. My prepared method: gunshot to the head on the ledge of a building because when I am done, I am fucking done.

 

[Kfoe!12]

I like to keep myself anon as much as possible. Not until a little more than two years ago it all hit me like a truck, it started with light depression to confusions about my many different diagnoses that popped up left and right out of nowhere. Saying I've always been wanting death would be a lie, I used to be really happy but i decided to ruin it all for no reason at all. My current state involves me trying to not ghost the people I'm close with while fighting a downwards battle at an all time low. The last week I've felt some feelings i haven't felt in maybe a year though, things might be turning around

who am i joking being optimistic will only make it worse

I suppose i just end up pushing everything away when I lose interest in it, but since this as became a tendency I've ended up pushing away things I have later regretted, this especially applies to friends if not family. Once i find support from a group of people i end up leaving them, this has been a thing since the first time i discovered internet; IRL friends? People in real life makes me think humans are corrupt and degenerated in nature, i suppose that's why i push friends away, I don't want know them long enough to see their true nature. Everything is just so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm not really a social person either despite having some quite acceptable social skills, if i ended up valuing others opinions and values, I couldn't possibly bear pushing everyone away. The person I've known for the longest while lasted 7 years, the person I've known for the second longest time was 2 years. The last four months I have been put into a mental ward twice for attempted suicide and three years ago I was succeeding in every possible way, if anything has improved it would be my social anxiety, well what can i say; medicine work quite great in that regard.

Favorite suicide method: probably hanging, it's really accessible and my current plan. I am currently thinking about buying pento though, but I'm not really in a place to be picky; maybe if i survive a couple of more attempts, who knows.

 

[ChizuruN]

Hello, I'm Chizuru Nageki (Not my real name of course, haha.)
I'm less inclined to spout any personal information here, where anyone can look me up and try to figure out who I am.
I'm female, and I've been suicidal since age 12. I guess I had been involved in self destructive behaviors before then, as mentioned by people who knew me as a child...
Not really sure what happened. I had hopes and dreams and one day that all disappeared. I have no desire to get them back, but I often find myself wondering what would have become of me if I didn't turn into the negative, hopeless person that I am now.
I enjoy writing, and am currently working on a novel. It's heavily inspired by Osamu Dazai's No Longer Human and my own personal experiences. I doubt that it will get published though...
I also write poems, and may share a few of them on this forum.

That's as much as I'm comfortable saying about myself for the time being. It's nice to meet all of you.

 

[NoDream]

HI,

Iam from Sweden, both male and female and have CPTSD and Fibromyalgia.
Have wanted to ctb since i was six. Now im 44 and havent got my thumb out yet.....

In a longterm relationship wich makes it harder to go, but we have a plan with CO in case we becomes homeless or very ill.

 

[Aity4883]

I am Aity. Which stands for AmIThereYet? The there being the point where i end it all and beat the survival instinct. Never explained this publicly...I hate everything. Hate the world. Hate the people. Hate myself. One part of me loves everyone though, like to call that part "my soul" which i hope will be freed when I ctb.

I came from Sanctioned Suicide on reddit. Now I'm here. Might not be for long. Planning to end it soon.

 

[NotAtHomeHere]

I'm 20 m. Living in Illinois. I just got released from my local asylum so I was devastated to find r/ss had been banned. I used to be a lurker but now I have decided to come out of my shell.

I'm here because I have to be high or absolutely shnockered to escape my depression. I also have to be rather high to even consider eating. Food has kinda lost its luster these past two years, but I force myself to eat at least every 2 or 3 days so I can have some sort of energy. If I am not under the influence its all I can do to get out of bed. Lol and joy is a thing of the past. Anyway enough of all that.

Glad to find this site, glad to re join the community.

 

[G_G_G]

20 m. NJ. want to ctb real bad. I just feel this life thing isn't for me and its constantly draining to have to deal with any of this everyday. I've been cutting away anything of "worth" in my life and have just been slowly isolating, so that hopefully I wont hurt to many people when I do go. G_G_G stands for Good as Gone Gomez

 

[millefeui]

Hello. Just like the thread creator, I am also transgender. I am 27 years old and have been wishing to die since I was about 14. I came really close to succeeding in cbting back in 2012, but as you might have guessed, I failed. After my attempts a few years ago, I became responsible for someone else's life, so for now I don't feel comfortable dying and leaving her alone, though I also don't feel comfortable at all living.

I am sure being transgender isn't as painful as having chronic pain that lasts 24/7, but if I am allowed to say, it really really sucks. Even though I have been transitioning for about two years, I still feel like an alien in this body. It is better now, of course, but the marks left by over two decades of wrong hormones aren't going to disappear. Not only that, but the my psyche only gets worse and worse with time. It has become increasingly harder for me to socialize as just looking at all those pretty cis women makes me want to rip my own throat into small pieces.

Call me vain if you want, but suffering is suffering.

I just want peace. I will never be myself, not in this life and if there is reincarnation or anything of sorts, who is to say things will be any better? Makes me wish for nothingness and well, nothing else.

Also, humankind sucks. The more I live, the more I realize that. The amount of cruelty, prejudice and vileness coming from our species completely overshadows the good things we can do every now and then.

Edit: As for my favorite method, it is hanging. I don't mind the pain, I welcome it. It couldn't possibly be worse than what I have been feeling for years.

 

[scurryaway]

17 gay ftm, on hormones waiting for surgeries.

I'm very mentally ill, I have CPTSD and DID from trauma as a child, I also have Aspergers and severe depression + anxiety. I've always been suicidal so having people who understand what it's like is comforting for me, coping with PTSD is very difficult and I don't wish to continue dealing with constant fear and have such an awful quality of life.

I have no one and I am alone, my cat is my only real link to the world, so I want to wait until she dies to CTB since she relies on me.

My favourite method is hanging, but I just want to vanish

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I am a middle-aged man in the United States. I set up an account to finally post on Reddit regarding these interests only to find the appropriate subreddits removed days later.

I find my life miserable due a combination of somewhat intractable factors, including having an unpleasant genetic disorder which is recalcitrant to treatment, being largely "undateable," and so forth. One or two reasons would perhaps be something I could fight through, but as it stands now, life seems like a struggle to keep yourself around until you are full of tumors and allowed to go. Throw in a little anti-natalism, pessimism, and other items and there you have it.

Although I have thought about dying since I understood it was an option for people, it has only recently gotten to the point where my conceptions have become more concrete. No attempts are in my history. Had I known how bad things would get, I would have started earlier. Silly me.

Right now I am going through the process of reducing my overhead, without any fuss, and subtly getting my affairs in order. I would not say I am getting rid of my friends, such as they are, rather I am not trying so hard to keep the friendships alive. Given that I am usually the one reaching out, making plans, and so on, it is more about letting go.

Much of my efforts revolve around softening the blow and narrowing the impact when I go.

Absolutely nobody outside of the Internet knows of my plans, so, outside of the privacy of my mind and a few other places, I am like a meat robot whose job it is to convince everyone that I am fine, absolutely fine, thank you for asking.

My timeline is under two years.

I'm not sure what else to add.

 

[Struggle Street]

Hey, I'm a 37 yr old Aussie woman.
Was in a relationship/marriage with a narcissist for 17 years. We have 2 young children together.
Have been separated for 2 years, have boundaries in place, but he and his narcissistic ways still linger. The abuse I went through quickly threw me into depression. I always thought I would explode one day and leave, but I didn't.. I imploded.. After years of daily emotiinal abuse my life took a downward spiral. I started drinking, light drink to numb the pain, quickly turned to heavy drinking every night of the week. Even with my boys in the home.
In the end, my drinking along with my lies to minimise his outbursts or personal criticism towards me took its toll. And he kicked me out.
At this point I was a total mess, i was at risk of losing my children. (Though I neve did)
I was admitted to hospital due to a nervous break down. At this point I stopped drinking.
Lived with my parents for 9 months, the first 6 months of that was hell, coming off my anti depressants and my head all over the place.

A year and a half later, we share custody 50/50 of our children. Still having to deal with my ex's narcissistic rage towards me has been emotionally hard. I will admit, I have started to drink again. No where near what I was drinking before, but still I wish I wasn't. My ex has said in last couple of days he has information on me that I am drinking. And I am at risk of losing my children. And he will decide what he will do with this information by Friday. He has requested to see my bank statements.
I called his bluff, saying yes I have the odd drink, but it's no longer an issue. He doesn't believe me.
All I can assume is that either he knows someone that works at a bottle shop, or my boys may have said "Mum goes here"
Great Mum moment right there.

I'm scared shitless.. I don't know why I started to drink even on occasion again, I feel it's to numb the pain of dealing with him, but to also numb the guilt of all the things I have done wrong as a mother and as a person.
I haven't had a drink for 2 days now, as I am so scared I will lose my boys.
Recovering from a narcissistic abusive relationship is a daily struggle. I have many days, where everything in life is a struggle.. I can't even get the simplest of things done. I think to myself, there is no way life should be this hard.
If I lose my boys, I have nothing left to live for.
My life is empty with out them.
And the guilt and regret from losing them would consume me.
I spent a good few hours today reading up on suicide, methods, notes.. I think I have chosen my way to go, should life get too much...
Not sure if it's full proof though, as I can't get a definite answer... I'd hate to attempt and fail, and end up worse off physically and mentally than I already am..

So that's where I'm at

 

[Machonne]

Hi. I am a 50 something divorced female in the southern US. I was also on r/sanctionedsuicide until it was banned recently. Since my parents died, I have been seriously depressed and ended up making some bad decisions in life. Now, I have just pretty much given up. My dog is the only thing keeping me alive. I have changed my number and left most of my friends behind, I am a loner anyway, works for me.

My future is very limited unless I can find a job soon, but since I sold my vehicle to survive and have physical limitations, that's a tough one. I have applied for disibility, but it's not easy to get. The couple of friends I thought were true turned out to be a joke, that's why I let the rest go. I am just tired of the struggle, but I have such strong ties to my dog, I have not been able to do it. I have my method close by, but my sense of responsibility has stopped me. If I found the right option for her, it would be over fast. Just having my .38 Special close by helps, but being able to use it would be far better.

 

[FullFat]

That's terrible and I understand and relate to you deeply. I've always said if I was blind or paralyzed I would use the most immediate method of ctb.

As for me, I'm 24, female, live in the Midwest US.

When I was 19 I was utterly disowned by my immediate family for being lesbian despite their deeply-held Southern Baptist upbringing. I was kicked out of their house which threw my life off the otherwise stable and contented rails; I was in college at the time and eventually had to drop out. I didn't have a place to stay or any plans so I was homeless, penniless and couch surfing for two years during which I was physically and sexually assaulted and all the while no one from my family gave a single shit, I might as well be dead to them. It's a wonder I didn't end it back then.

I quickly learned how cruel and disgusting the world was. I spent the days high on Adderall and Oxy until my body rejected it and every dose was met with panic attacks. My drug became self harm, which I'm ashamed to say I'm still dependent on.

Things have gotten better in the past two years but not enough to make me care about life in any real sense. I've become cold to existence and a stanch nihilist. I've seen the inside of torturous behavioral health wards and known the extent of human apathy. There is no going back.

My firm choice is when things get bad, or worse, or unpleasant to my degree I am going end it. Life is a gamble and I won't endure any more loses while I'm playing it. Break even or cash out. My prepared method: gunshot to the head on the ledge of a building because when I am done, I am fucking done.

Goddamn, you lived through the worst LGBT nightmare scenario. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that bullshit.l I wouldn't have survived it. My parents were raised Southern Baptist as well. They were raised in rural TN and moved to FL. Thankfully, they aren't huge churchgoers, but I know my dad and my extended family would not respond well at all if I told him I find other women attractive. My mom's response wouldn't be positive either, but she would eventually get over it. All in all, the response I fear isn't really that bad, considering. But even the odds of facing such minor reprisals stops me in my tracks when I think about telling the truth. Props to you for being brave enough to come out. If you don't mind me asking, do you think it was worth it? Would you take it back, or have you closed the door to that chapter of your life?

My preferred method is also gunshot to the head, and I have had substance problems too. Alcohol is the monkey on my back. Never had the chance to try harder drugs than pot.

 

[Bouts of depression]

Hi. 30 something, male. Husband and father of 2. I'm in chronic pain, and have been for the last 4 years. I have nerve damage and am unable to stand or walk for more than a few minutes at a time due to pain. It keeps me up at night even on meds for it. Without meds it is impossible to sleep even with sleeping pills.
I've always been suicidal I guess. Narcissistic mother, narcissist enabler and emotionally vacant father, abused physically, emotionally and sexually from a young age. At 5 I remember carving "I want to die" in my window sill. My dad found it. Told me that I do not feel that way and to never speak of it again.
I honestly don't know how I made it this far in life. I should have given up 2 decades ago. Now a days, it seems like there is no more happiness. It used to be that I had severe bouts of depression (see what I did there) and then would become somewhat normal. I don't do that any more. It's either a plateau of misery or a deep valley where I can't even act.
Next time it hits. I don't think I'm going to be able to pull myself out. I am on tons of meds, but it just gets so dark. I worry about leaving my wife to raise our kids alone. I worry about them not growing up with a father. I just don't see a way to make myself keep trying. I'm just so tired. I don't want to have to force myself to live another day anymore. I want to be normal and able to go and do things with my family and it's never going to be like that again. I want to feel something other than sadness or emptiness again. I don't think I ever will.