Hi, I'm 53, divorced and all 4 of my kids are over 18 and out of the house. I had 19 yrs in abusive house, followed by 23 yrs in an abusive marriage. Spent the next time in survival mode raising my kids, trying to be the best mom I never had, giving them everything I could to give them a good life. Now they're grown, and I'm alone. I broke my spine working on our home, to have them all move out 6 months after we moved in. So I'm in a 2 story, 4 bedroom home I can't physically keep up, with a mortgage I can't afford. I took a new job in a max security prison, thinking a state job would pay the bills. Well, on paper the gross should be great. In reality, I still can't afford basic utilities and car with mortgage. My financial situation is the cause of all my anxiety and hopelessness. I physically can't just go get more jobs. I work as many computer side gigs as I can, remote work, I even tried Uber, uber eats, etc. But I live in the middle of nowhere (seriously, there's hitching posts at the bank, grocery store, gas station) with nothing but Amish and Wineries. I'm locked into this house because it's a Habitat house so 10 million restrictions, so I can't even sell it and move. Not like I have money to do that anyway. I get my food from the local food pantry. My arthritis, anxiety, depression, CPTSD, ADHD, and dislocated vertebrae make me in constant pain and suffering. It's never going to get better. I thought if I could just keep a roof over my head I could be happy, but this is insane. Yesterday my brakes went, so now I've missed 2 days work and I'm $120 short to pick up my car from the repair shop. I don't have the money to CTB in a nice way. I'm thinking a few $20 propane tanks and some candles, then go to sleep and let the gas blow me and house to hell. Can't be worse than living.