Introduce yourself

[daisymayhem]

Hi
I've been looking on here for the last month or so now and have finally plucked up the currage to talk. I'm in my late 40s, always felt like I didn't fit in, self harmed, had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I met the love of my life and the noises in my head calmed, they were still there, just quiet. I thought I had found my safe space. I was wrong, they have been having doubts, aren't sure if they want to be married to me anymore after nearly 10 years together. They have strung me along for the last 3 months saying they don't know what they want. I'm heart broken. Both at losing my best friend but also that someone who said they love me can be breaking up with me in this way, no one knows as I'm in limbo, I had to go through the last 90 days acting like everything is normal. One minute getting kisses, the next being told that it's too complicated. I'm broken. I'm not sure why I am holding on, a small glimmer of hope I guess. My mental health has crumbled, I hardly sleep and the last week I have hardly eaten. I'm not sure how I still have a job. I guess I just want someone to talk to.

Hi silly question but how old is he? Could he be having some kind of midlife crisis? From what you've just said he sounds unsure of what he wants and appears to be sending mixed messages. You know what you want so the problems his and he needs to pull his socks up and stop being so flakey. Sorry if I'm sounding unsympathetic towards him, I just dont get why people cant say what they mean.It's not like you've changed over night have you? Is there anything you can put your finger on? You need to tell him it's having a detrimental effect on your mental health and you have to protect yourself. If he has a problem or he feels you've done something then get it out in the open. Limbo is an awful place to be. And good for you for speaking up. I'm 60 and have similar urges as you. It doesn't take much to push us closer to edge.x

 

[Lovewasneverenuff]

Hi silly question but how old is he? Could he be having some kind of midlife crisis? From what you've just said he sounds unsure of what he wants and appears to be sending mixed messages. You know what you want so the problems his and he needs to pull his socks up and stop being so flakey. Sorry if I'm sounding unsympathetic towards him, I just dont get why people cant say what they mean.It's not like you've changed over night have you? Is there anything you can put your finger on? You need to tell him it's having a detrimental effect on your mental health and you have to protect yourself. If he has a problem or he feels you've done something then get it out in the open. Limbo is an awful place to be. And good for you for speaking up. I'm 60 and have similar urges as you. It doesn't take much to push us closer to edge.x

One person knows that they are putting me through and they think the same. Im probably being over paranoid, but I odnt want to put lots of stuff on here with details just incase they come looking and find me on here. Is that silly? They know that I'm going to therapy, whatever the outcome is I have had enough, life is so bloody hard and I just don't have the energy for it.

 

[daisymayhem]

One person knows that they are putting me through and they think the same. Im probably being over paranoid, but I odnt want to put lots of stuff on here with details just incase they come looking and find me on here. Is that silly? They know that I'm going to therapy, whatever the outcome is I have had enough, life is so bloody hard and I just don't have the energy for it.

I hear you. Once the down spike kicks in it's hard to get off it. No it's not silly, but your needing to offload and where better than a Group full of like minded strangers or would they prefer you went talking to all the nearest and dearest. So don't you feel bad for for talking. There comes a time when you have to put your mental health first. What I do know is most of us with mental health problems are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We have to be to live with ourselves. You keep talking and doing what your doing.

 

[Lovewasneverenuff]

I hear you. Once the down spike kicks in it's hard to get off it. No it's not silly, but your needing to offload and where better than a Group full of like minded strangers or would they prefer you went talking to all the nearest and dearest. So don't you feel bad for for talking. There comes a time when you have to put your mental health first. What I do know is most of us with mental health problems are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We have to be to live with ourselves. You keep talking and doing what your doing.

I don't feel bad for talking, I just don't want them to see these messages. I'm not sure how they would as it took me ages to find this site, just a little paranoid I guess that someone will tell someone outside of this site


We had an argument on holiday, my first experience on menopause rage. I didn't know it could happen, we never argue. I've taken steps so it doesn't happen again. I was really horrible we were both drunk. They said it brought up a lot of stuff they were unhappy with, I have worked those things. They were small things, like being abrupt since my dad died and not as affectionate , being defensive when I'm told I've done something wrong. I would have done them sooner if I had known. They said that all the little things have happened and they haven't spoke out has made it a big thing and the argument opened the gate to how they actually weren't happy about these things even though they were easy fixes. They said I have done everything they have asked but they don't know if it's enough. I want to help and support them but one minute I'm their soul mate the next they won't even hold my hand. They said they need to open up more but they haven't, so I have no idea where I stand and I know I could brush myself off and start again but I don't want to. Life has always been so hard and I couldn't really be bothered with it in my 20s, I go out, I do therapy, I have hobbies and I really still don't enjoy any of it. It's just something I feel like I'm forced to do, even before this happened

 

[daisymayhem]

I don't feel bad for talking, I just don't want them to see these messages. I'm not sure how they would as it took me ages to find this site, just a little paranoid I guess that someone will tell someone outside of this site


We had an argument on holiday, my first experience on menopause rage. I didn't know it could happen, we never argue. I've taken steps so it doesn't happen again. I was really horrible we were both drunk. They said it brought up a lot of stuff they were unhappy with, I have worked those things. They were small things, like being abrupt since my dad died and not as affectionate , being defensive when I'm told I've done something wrong. I would have done them sooner if I had known. They said that all the little things have happened and they haven't spoke out has made it a big thing and the argument opened the gate to how they actually weren't happy about these things even though they were easy fixes. They said I have done everything they have asked but they don't know if it's enough. I want to help and support them but one minute I'm their soul mate the next they won't even hold my hand. They said they need to open up more but they haven't, so I have no idea where I stand and I know I could brush myself off and start again but I don't want to. Life has always been so hard and I couldn't really be bothered with it in my 20s, I go out, I do therapy, I have hobbies and I really still don't enjoy any of it. It's just something I feel like I'm forced to do, even before this happened

I would think the only people who would even look for site like this are like minded lost souls, so even if they did find it would be because they were looking for the same as everyone else. Turn off notifications so they aren't emailing you when get messages. Your username isn't one anyone who knows would associate with you is it? You sound like your in auto pilot, doing stuff that's expected of you so you look and feel "normal" ( For want of a better word.) Funnily enough I've just been talking about the same thing with the doctor, about just walking down the street with triggers and panic inside but I'm trying to deal with that and look normal at the same time because I know I look weird. Maybe they need to go talk to someone and find whats troubling them. We're conditioned to do what society perceives as normal because it's expected. The menopause is a bitch, my mother started battering my dad when she hit it. I had a hysterectomy at 28 ish and was put through the menopause six months before. So being an angry bitch already I didn't really notice the difference mentally but the physical side was a tough one. It definitely gets harder to pick yourself up and dust yourself off as you get older. I think we feel more vulnerable as we get older and that on top of the vulnerabilities we already have make it worse. Your owning your mis doings and working on fixing them, you can't do anymore than that. Stop being so hard on yourself. Maybe you should push yourself and try a hobby you always wanted to try but never got round to it, sometimes that can rejuvenate our old hobbies again. Do you keep a journal? I do, it's my best friend and my therapist rolled into one and it would never betray my confidence. I've also started trying to write that book I always wanted to write.

 

[Lovewasneverenuff]

I would think the only people who would even look for site like this are like minded lost souls, so even if they did find it would be because they were looking for the same as everyone else. Turn off notifications so they aren't emailing you when get messages. Your username isn't one anyone who knows would associate with you is it? You sound like your in auto pilot, doing stuff that's expected of you so you look and feel "normal" ( For want of a better word.) Funnily enough I've just been talking about the same thing with the doctor, about just walking down the street with triggers and panic inside but I'm trying to deal with that and look normal at the same time because I know I look weird. Maybe they need to go talk to someone and find whats troubling them. We're conditioned to do what society perceives as normal because it's expected. The menopause is a bitch, my mother started battering my dad when she hit it. I had a hysterectomy at 28 ish and was put through the menopause six months before. So being an angry bitch already I didn't really notice the difference mentally but the physical side was a tough one. It definitely gets harder to pick yourself up and dust yourself off as you get older. I think we feel more vulnerable as we get older and that on top of the vulnerabilities we already have make it worse. Your owning your mis doings and working on fixing them, you can't do anymore than that. Stop being so hard on yourself. Maybe you should push yourself and try a hobby you always wanted to try but never got round to it, sometimes that can rejuvenate our old hobbies again. Do you keep a journal? I do, it's my best friend and my therapist rolled into one and it would never betray my confidence. I've also started trying to write that book I always wanted to write.

I keep one already, it has everything I want to say and can't, all the unanswered questions, all the raw emotion and hurt and small pieces of hope I had before the I love yous stopped. I also have a therapist, my friends to talk to, things to do but nothing has any meaning. I've been depressed before, but there has always been hope that kept me going. I just don't feel that now.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Hi everyone. 44 year-old female from the US. I have been lurking here for over a year and decided it was time to finally join because I don't interact much with anyone in real life or even online but the people here seem to really understand and be really nice.
I was diagnosed with severe OCD several years ago. It is hell. I started feeling depressed in my early 20s. I remember the first time I thought about ctb I was about 22. I have never had any desire to grow old and experience all the horrors that come with aging. It wasn't until last year that I made two attempts to ctb. They were stupid unreliable methods, but they taught me that SI can be really strong and hard to overcome, which makes ctb so difficult. I'm too wimpy and stupid to look into something more reliable like hanging, but I appreciate the fact that I can get detailed information here if I ever choose to do so. My second attempt left me in a mental facility. My experience there was actually not bad, especially in comparison to most stories here. It was almost like a vacation from reality and sometimes I think I actually want to go back which scares me. Especially lately as the depression feels like it is starting to get worse again, and I don't know what to do about it because my therapy is for exposure therapy for the OCD and not really for depression. Other than the exposure therapy I don't leave the house much and would be perfectly fine living as a hermit. I live with my parents, my mom has a lot of health issues, I sort of am an unofficial caretaker for her and just help her out and keep her entertained since she has so many challenges. Honestly, being around her just makes me more scared to grow old and more desperate to figure out a way to someday ctb.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.