Introduce yourself

[cctrjj]

Hi everyone! I'm 20 years old and I'm trying my best to carry on. I love my family, I love what life can be when I'm not so stuck on comparing myself to others and wishing I was neurotypical. But when I don't do that, I'm enjoying life for what it is and being grateful. The only reason I am here is because I'm suffering with mental illnesses that keep dragging me back down and I can appreciate how raw and real everyone is on this site. I don't like to be negative person and let negative thoughts overcome me, but sometimes you have to learn when to quit. I am doing this all for my family right now, shout out to them and shout out to me for being forgiving, lmao. JJ out!

 

[WeepingDragon]

Hi,
I'm an italian transgender guy in my twenties, and I'm here mostly to see if I can find a bit of solace in knowing I'm not the only one considering such an extreme action as suicide. Despite trying, and actually managing to appreciate life, I still can't find even the tiniest crumb of will to live. I just... don't want it. I mostly kept myself safe to not hurt others, but if it happens that I choose death, I'd want to be able to feel understood. And vent a bit, haha, dying is scary.
Whatever I end up deciding though, given the occasion, I'd also want to sometimes share some random trivia about space, mushrooms, music, animal caretaking, whatever! I can be a little weird alien sometimes

After almost a year since registration I'm finally writing a presentation lol, I'm an anxious mess haha

 

[Proxar]

Hi, im from Chile, in my 20s (South America), who has been sad and feeling lonely since i can remember. This years has been a very rough ones but i keep going becouse i love so much my family, but that doesnt mean i like to live, i hardly find anything that keep me going, i dont have anyone to talk about this feelings and makes me so anxious some days. I dont fear death, i dont have any problems, and the few times i tried, i almost do it, every single time, but the memories of my family always come out and stop me right there. I love playing games, watching animes, and series overall, i also love weed, but from recent illnesses i cant even do that anymore. I feel comfortable to find people who talk about this and dont make it into a weird taboo, that no one wants to talk about. Good luck yall, stay strong.

 

[diseasedPOS]

I am a diseased piece of shit, and I'm here to say: I am going to fucking kill myself. Thanks for allowing the indulgence. That feels great.

I exist in a 30-something year old body. The finality of this outcome is kind of crazy, given I've spent most of my life as a people pleasing over-achiever. Yet, the depth of my self-hate grows daily, as do the duration and intensity of my spiraling episodes.

On the outside, all looks well, except for moments when it becomes obvious in moments of weakness or authenticity that I am massively depressed and faking my way thru virtually every interaction I have. It's remarkable and slightly hilarious that I've fooled everyone for this long. I am doing "better" by worldly metrics than many I know (see above, over-achiever), but being the recipient of one single, good 'ol fashioned involuntary, drug-induced, Diddy-style rape was the nail that started closing my coffin early. I won the lottery (!!), unfortunately just not the one that gives you money. It's a pretty cool cherry on top of childhood molestation. I am the belle of someone's mutant zombie ball.

Anyhow, guess let's see how taking the filter off goes around you good folks.

And if anyone knows how I can secure myself a spot in the Sarco, please, please do let me know?

 

[witchcraft]

I don't really know where to begin.

I've given my life a deadline of no later than the end of next year. I don't know what to set for my profile picture, so I will be changing it a lot until I decide on something...

I am in my mid-twenties, with a degree in education that I am not going to use. Evidently I have no useful skills, not worth giving a chance, nothing of value to contribute... I can't find a job that's not a dead-end waste of time.

Life is just not at all what I wanted it to be. Childhood set me up for this immense disappointment with the real world, seeing behind the curtains and discovering how fake everyone and everything really is. Including me, to be fair.

My parents, dwindling number of family and friends, don't understand how I feel at all. So I guess it's time to be a statistic.

I wouldn't say my life is bad by most metrics. I am hesitant to join spaces like this because so many people have suffered much worse. But, I'm the one who has to wake up every day and live this life, in this mind and body. And I don't want to anymore. I've been abused enough.

I can imagine what a better life would look like, but it's impossible to attain, so what good does it do to torment myself with the forever out-of-reach.

I'm tired of being strung along with a carrot, getting my hopes up just to have them crushed over and over again. Like finding decent jobs to apply to, but never getting them, and now I have been out of work for a year. Or finding someone to date, only for me to eventually relapse into being a piece of shit and ruining things with that person.

I am glad to have found this place, because I can't find any other place where I can actually get information about how to end my life. I would have done it already, but I am scared I am going to mess up and go back to a mental hospital, be forced to take drugs that don't change my life or solve my problems, be turned into a zombie. That's society's idea of "help" for people like me, I guess.

I understand that literal assistance with a plan isn't allowed. That's fine with me. I just hope to meet a few nice people, fellow strugglers on this mental illness journey, in an online space that doesn't demonize or patronize suicide.

I enjoy writing fiction. I like a good story. I love anime, sex, drugs (nicotine, coke, alcohol). I used to enjoy sports but physically I don't feel able to play soccer anymore, even though I'm not that old. So now I watch sports on TV, including baseball and football.

I also love playing video games; some of my recent favorites are Persona 5 Royal, Persona 3 Reload, Ghost of Tsushima, and Tears of the Kingdom.

I would like to think I am pretty smart, at least average looking for a guy, and I am too considerate, but it's like none of my interests, positive attributes, or personal achievements matter. Life just continues to slowly, steadily go downhill. And not just in spite of how hard I try, but more like a Chinese finger trap. Meaning, the harder I try to do something positive or improve myself, the worse my life gets.

I haven't killed myself yet because I am afraid of what comes after.

 

[alice-as-cassandra]

hi, i'm a neurodivergent elder millennial with a history of trauma. diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2007, self diagnosed autistic in the last few years.

pronouns are she/her/they

i've had suicidal ideations for nearly my entire life. but in the last 10 years it has evolved to a pro-choice stance.

some issues in my life have become unbearable recently. my spouse of 13 years has come out as transgender. i've always been supportive of the queer community, but have never been impacted directly like this. i'm afraid of the changes to come, i'm afraid of losing the love of my life, the only person who ever made life livable. and i want to exit before my heart is broken any more.

 

[quietpill]

I suppose I should make one of these after responding to a few posts. My name is Warren, I've suffered depression and suicidal tendencies/ideation since at least the age of 9. Hope hurts too much to have at this point, especially as a burnout with little prospect in life aside from surviving. My (very real) social awkwardness is probably the least of my problems, but we move.

I love cinema, TV shows, animation. I tend to curate these interests heavily, but not so pompous as that might come off. I am picky about everything from comedy/satire to psych thrillers and anime. My favorite genre is horror. My favorite show is Sunny in Philadelphia and I have 2500 hours (begrudgingly) on Overwatch. I enjoy video games, but I enjoy interactive fiction games more. Aside from these, I simply enjoy my cat.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I've had a problem with my sense of self since I was a child. I'm now 33 and facing a crossroads. I have the opportunity to become a Zen buddhist monk, which is the only viable life for me, the only thing that has meaning and makes sense for someone like me with my experience of selfhood and the world. It's taken me a very long time to find this path and I believe in it wholeheartedly, it has been a huge relief to finally find something it is possible for me to do with this life. However, this opportunity is contingent on external bureaucratic factors (I require a visa to live in the country where my monastery is located), and the odds are not very strong that I will receive a favourable outcome. At the moment I am waiting to find out.

Because of my selfhood issues I also have diagnosed depression and have had suicidal thoughts since a young age. If I cannot overcome the bureaucratic obstacles to the life that I could have lived as a monk, I will choose to die instead. It is not possible for me to continue existing as a regular normal person, because I derive no pleasure or meaning from the things that other people seem to. I cannot live a life pretending to be a person. I have had plenty of ordinary experiences, love, sex, friends, family, jobs, travel etc. but they ultimately don't amount to anything. I don't feel them. I am permanently oriented towards emptiness. Living as a monk is living with this orientation towards emptiness as the point of life, it means being able to stop having to pretend to care about things that are meaningless to you.

I am here to discuss suicide because it really is my only topic of interest at this time. I can also talk about zen buddhism with anyone who is curious. (I am just one person, I am not a buddhist teacher, nothing I say should be taken as buddhist teaching because it isn't, it's one person's interpretation). In terms of suicide I am particularly interested in the final moments themselves, the ways people prepare for them, and the philosophical/psychological states of being with which people approach death voluntarily.

I'm quite into music, books, and art. At the moment I'm listening a lot to Bladee. Writers I like include W G Sebald, Jean Améry, Spinoza, Roland Barthes, Cioran. My avatar is a photo from a performance by the Viennese Actionist artist Rudolf Schwarzkogler.

 

[shouldbedirt]

Hello, I've been working up the courage to post anything on this site for a while now... I lurk a lot.

I guess I'll go by Angel. they/them though I don't particularly mind being called "he" at times. I'm in my early 20s, and I guess you could call me a NEET.

Severe unmedicated anxiety. I have a very intense fear of medicines, among many other things. Somewhat agoraphobic. I have depression and C-PTSD as well. I have a generally weak and unhealthy body, much due to my mental issues. Neurodivergent for sure, possibly autistic.

I love surrealism, horror, art, and cats. Sorry to keep it so barebones but I'm a pretty paranoid guy so it's hard to reveal much about myself, but this is probably just fine for a simple introduction anyway...


I do have one question though, can anyone tell me why I can't view other users profiles? Is it because I'm still a new member? or because I haven't posted before?

 

[avalokitesvara]

Hello, I've been working up the courage to post anything on this site for a while now... I lurk a lot.

I guess I'll go by Angel. they/them though I don't particularly mind being called "he" at times. I'm in my early 20s, and I guess you could call me a NEET.

Severe unmedicated anxiety. I have a very intense fear of medicines, among many other things. Somewhat agoraphobic. I have depression and C-PTSD as well. I have a generally weak and unhealthy body, much due to my mental issues. Neurodivergent for sure, possibly autistic.

I love surrealism, horror, art, and cats. Sorry to keep it so barebones but I'm a pretty paranoid guy so it's hard to reveal much about myself, but this is probably just fine for a simple introduction anyway...


I do have one question though, can anyone tell me why I can't view other users profiles? Is it because I'm still a new member? or because I haven't posted before?

I think the permissions of what you can see and do on this site are restricted depending on age of account and how much you post… I only joined yesterday but started posting and interacting a lot very quickly so started being able to see profiles and messaging quite fast.
Love your signature btw, so cute

 

[blak73]

I am 51 and have a life that has been so screwed up by trauma that a psychiatrist recently wrote to my GP snd said I have some sort of psychotic illness where I fantasise that bad things have happened to me, because no one could be that unlucky, my stories are implausible. Even my doctor sadly knew he was wrong. It is my life. Believe me I have had a good shot at changing things, trying to do what will supposedly heal me. But my life is just hell. Sadly I am also one of those super intelligent people so what seems functional for the rest of the world is not functional for me. Not even close. I have ADHD and I am autistic so I never fit in, I never find anyone who can understand or even begin to treat me. I am Aboriginal and was stolen as a kid and so never fit in with black or white people. I have just mastered the art my whole life of delivering the human people want to see, because when I am me I am not what the world wants. I have tried to CTB before but this time I have really been doing my research. I just need to be sure it is fool proof. The only time I feel calm or happy is when another piece of my plan arrives or is put in place. It is such a relief to be able to write this knowing that there will be no consequences. It is hard when you are consumed by thinking about something, but cannot talk about it, or get ideas.

 

[shouldbedirt]

I think the permissions of what you can see and do on this site are restricted depending on age of account and how much you post… I only joined yesterday but started posting and interacting a lot very quickly so started being able to see profiles and messaging quite fast.
Love your signature btw, so cute

I see. Thank you very much!