Introduce yourself

[Tenshi_vhc]

Hello :3
My names Angel I'm a chronically online Latina goth girl. I love anime and video games. My favorite anime being Madoka magica and my favorite game being Minecraft, ik so nerdyyyy. I am studying to be a doctor and I'm here to help my recovery. I hope to make some friends and also hope to help people who were just like me :)

 

[tony the tiger]

I'm ~35 years old, non binary / feminine leaning amab, ASD/Asperger's, undiagnosed but probably ADHD. I've struggled with a chronic health condition for about a decade and gone through a string of hard experiences in life generally.

I'm not really suicidal I think, I could never, I love my friends and family too much... but I felt I haven't really had a safe place to talk about depression related stuff with people who would fully relate or understand.

I'm finding a lot of help resources put me off too, they often feel hard to relate to and weirdly fake, like a veneer of kindness/caring/love on top of a calculated generic strategy. Idk, maybe this isn't making much sense, but in my darkest moments when I did try looking up "suicide" on Google, the "Help is available call Samaritans 12 34 56" and the screens of generic "don't do it your life has SO much left to offer" pages in the results just felt weirdly empty to me.

Like when you ask chatgpt something remotely sensitive and it just clams up and says "I'm sorry, as an AI language model, I advise you to contact a mental health professional", it gives me that same feeling.

That actually drove me to seek out this forum, I wanted something that didn't feel fake. I'm sorry for all of us here who are suffering, and thankful that there is this space, I might hang out and post a bit.

 

[tronix]

I'm 35, suddenly dumped by a partner who doesn't want to talk, doesn't reply to my messages and seems to be happy.
My previous relationships were abusive. Before this one, I was alone for 7 years. I hated every minute of that loneliness, wanted to be loved.
Now, after three years together, after I quit my job to focus more on a relationship and was promised support, I got dumped like a piece of trash. It feels awful. It's been a month and I can't deal with that. I felt suicidal before, when I was younger, I had a few attempts. I'm feeling empty and worthless, hopeless and scared that my existance will look like it did back then, before I met someone who broke my heart and all of my plans and hopes died.

 

[awen]

I didn't have the healthiest childhood, I grew up in the Turkish military because of my father but I was abandoned by everyone for months after both my parents were blamed for a coup (political stuff) Adults and my government tortured my imprisoned father physically, my mother mentally and finally broke my mind. I have two brothers and now we live in America without my parents. I first tried killing myself when I was 12, after failing because I was too scared I started cutting myself which lasted for years. I developed some very different habits and now I can't date or get close to guys who think they can "fix me" anymore. I get attached and enjoy being used by bad guys for attention and get too cold towards nice guys. I can't balance, I hate myself. I stopped getting into deep relationships at this point. I'm just a spectator even in my own life. I'm weak, ugly, small, and awkward. I'm really trying to survive but life sometimes hits too hard or I'm just that weak.

I also like going on walks, some nostalgic anime, some disturbing movies, listening to dramatic or old music while reading, and writing letters.

 

[Daydreamer]

Hi I'm Adele, 23 transgender. My suicidality ebbs and flows but it is a constant in my life and I was recently bothered how taboo it is to talk about it with others, so I thought I'd find a place to discuss it in earnest. I like some anime (haven't watched much recently), games, drawing, and currently trying to get into reading books. Currently I'm trying to build myself back up after a long depression that started in 2016 and discovering who I really am, working part time to save for a car, transitioning, etc.

 

[BlissAssistance]

hi, im blissey.
blissey is my favourite pokemon, and chansey is my least.
as my aunt would have it on her tomb if she had one "life's short, and i'm gunning for the any% podium"

 

[tony the tiger]

After browsing the forum more, I've realised this is not for me; account disabled. I would have removed my post but the forum doesn't allow deleting/editing.

 

[Forveleth]

Hello everyone! I've been lurking this site as a guest for a while and finally decided to join so I could talk with all of you lovely people.

Fun stuff: I am a science nerd who works with computers but also likes "hands-on" hobbies like woodworking. I like nature and just about every genre of music though it's usually a song by song preference.

Not fun stuff: I'm middle-aged and have hated my life since my teens. I'm at the point where I need to start my life completely over (as in divorce, moving, new career) to be happy but just don't have the energy anymore so, here I am!

 

[Unicr0n]

Hi. This is someone who is spiraling into a black hole. Life is great some days but reality hits and you're reminded that suffering is absolute. I'll be having a good time, then "I should die" pops into my head out of nowhere and that's how my life has been since like, the fifth grade. Might be a reincarnation issue haha. I like to art, to talk with chatbots, and I have a dog that gives me a will to live.

 

[backdrop8743]

Hi all. Have been lurking here since 2020 i think. I'm a trans person growing up in a queerphobic hellhole. Have been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 13 years old, later bpd, social anxiety. Never had any long-term friends or relationships that were stable or lasted. Mental healthcare is underfunded so that ive been without therapy for four years. Even the national suicide hotline doesn't accept calls whenever i tried, because they're too busy. Since the beginning of the year, ive been losing all that gave me the little joy in life i had.
Otherwise i play video games all day, thats usually a good conversation starter with me.

 

[Melancholic_Misfit]

Hi everyone. Another closeted trans woman living in a queerphobic hellhole here. I made some stupid, irrational decisions and now I'm back without a support system, without friends and without a supportive partner. I feel isolated and alone again.

Hi all. Have been lurking here since 2020 i think. I'm a trans person growing up in a queerphobic hellhole. Have been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 13 years old, later bpd, social anxiety. Never had any long-term friends or relationships that were stable or lasted. Mental healthcare is underfunded so that ive been without therapy for four years. Even the national suicide hotline doesn't accept calls whenever i tried, because they're too busy. Since the beginning of the year, ive been losing all that gave me the little joy in life i had.
Otherwise i play video games all day, thats usually a good conversation starter with me.

Me too, when I have nothing to do. We should talk.

 

[beetle]

Hello, happy to be here! Been lurking for a few months. 20 cis-female, currently a computer science student. I love music and video games, if you'd like to talk about those things (or anything, really) please let me know.

Diagnosed with anxiety, ADHD, depression, and a chronic illness - I've had these issues almost my entire life, but just got recently diagnosed. I'm taking medication and going to therapy now but there's not a lot of motivation to keep going. It's nice to have the opportunity to talk to people about CTB/depression without worrying about the stigma.
Hopefully I can get some clarity through this forum and chatting with y'all. It's nice to meet everyone :)

 

[OdeToTheMets]

Hello! I'm new here. I caught wind of this place existing years ago but only recently joined when I started to feel really bad.
I dunno what to do with my life. I feel like it's supposed to be easy but it's not for me. I'm way off the proper path.
And the worst part is I feel like I've got no right to feel so bad all the time. I have no tragic backstory and nothing bad's happened to me. I've just always felt this way and literally no one knows. I'm not supposed to.
The only things that keep be going are my interests in music, video games, horror stuff, and just generally going out to do fun stuff. But in between that I've pretty much got nothing going for me.
I came here to feel better, or worse idk either one. I just think the entire world is screwed up right now and I don't know how to fix myself

 

[sserafim]

Not really sure where to begin. I joined after searching for a place where suicide is openly discussed due to my own current feelings and ideation. Other than that,
I like gaming, cooking, reading, and socializing. I love sci fi in any form. I used to consider myself great at communication but for the past few years not so much. I used to do a lot of debate in college which did include public speaking. In music I listen to anything really but I lean towards EDM the most, especially anything that has a synth. I also have ADHD and I have codependency issues.

I like gaming and reading as well. I like sci fi too, as well as EDM and music that has a synth. Do you have any recs? Btw, I also have ADHD

 

[lonely&trapped.]

Hi. Idk what to say exactly, I'm 23 and I made an account on this site recently because I'm close to considering death. I've been unhappy most of my life. Since I was 16 I felt ugly; I still feel ugly now, and now I'm worried about growing old and alone. I'm still a virgin and never felt good enough to have a boyfriend (i am male btw, gay/bi whatever). I was also diagnosed with aspergers/autism, it feels good at least knowing other people on the spectrum are on the forums, and I'm not that alone in that aspect. I have GAD and I'm on anxiety meds rn.

Uh, besides that, I like video games and sleeping a lot. I like to read sometimes, and my main passion is drawing and art. But, considering how much longer I wanna live, I'm slowly losing interest in my passions anyway..

I'll prob be making more posts in the future, I hope everyone can bear with me for my time here. Thank you for reading if you read all of that.

 

[gabmor4]

¡Hola! ¿Cómo estás? Soy una chica argentina, me gusta escribir cuando tengo sentimientos encontrados, leer, ver fotos, escuchar música, estudiar, de vez en cuando dibujar y tomar buenos mates (es una infusión, tal vez la conozcas). Creo que tengo gustos básicos, pero son los que mejor me describen. Ah, también me gusta el cine. Solo soy aficionada, no sé mucho tampoco. No tengo muchas cosas interesantes para contar, je.

Me gustaría estar acá un tiempo, el suficiente. Quisiera aportar algo a este lugar. La verdad me gusta, es cómodo. Siendo sincera, cuando entro acá siento calidez, eso es lo que me gusta. Un gusto conocer esta comunidad.

Entiendo inglés (tengo un nivel básico) y me defiendo (un poco), pero podemos hablar si así lo quieres, aunque mi nivel en ese idioma deja mucho que desear, jaja.

Suelo ser una persona desanimada para lo que a mí respecta, pero animada si se trata de los demás. Una breve descripción, pero clara, o eso espero.

Abrazo para tu mente. <3

 

[bieatmania]

I was too inhibited to post anything on internet for while. I was lurking this forum for while and decided I'm comfortable enough to make account and start posting.
I suffer from bipolar II and sometime I feel great. I have autism.
I'm from Japan and I love video game beatmania and anime.

 

[LunarLight]

Hi there, 25yo trans girl, used to be a very gifted kid, I was in one of the best schools in my country and I failed miserably because of my mental health problems and my transness. Now I live as a disabled person, bedridden and praying for death to rescue me from my misery.
I live with a very sweet non-binary wife, I know they would be absolutely devastated and traumatized if they were to lose me, but I am hopeless and seriously considering to CTB in spite of their future grief because I can't handle this anymore. They're young, the sooner I leave, the more time they have to grieve and build a new life without me.

I've had a shitton of diagnoses. Chronic depression since I was 10, anxiety, and then when I was 21 I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and finally BPD, C-PTSD and substance abuse disorder. (The EMDR therapist I saw today was very skeptical of all those diagnoses but as far as I'm concerned, I think they all match my experience and are very helpful for me to understand myself -- isn't it what diagnoses are made for?).
Been on a shitton of meds for seven years. I used to take nine meds at the same time, with maximum dosage. Found a prescription from one year and a half ago: venlafaxine 300mg, fluoxetine 40mg, lithium 800mg, quetiapine 800mg, lamotrigine 300mg, risperidone 6mg, methylphenidate 90mg, aripiprazole 30mg, buprenorphine 14mg. Stopped them a few months ago after my last stay in psych ward because I didn't want to have to deal with psychiatrists anymore. I was told it was just my fault if I was so miserable. I mean, for sure my lifestyle doesn't help, but I think I have a depressing lifestyle because guess what! I'm fucking depressed! and autistic, traumatized and stuff, not the other way around. And guess what? Nothing happened. No-thing. None of these meds had the lesser impact on my brain chemistry. Not even withdrawal symptoms. It made absolutely no difference. Psychiatrists never believed me when I expressed my skepticism towards medication. I know it works for some people and it's for the best, I'm very happy for them, but on me it just doesn't seem to have any effect.
Anyway, that's when I understood my mental health was a lost cause. I will never get better. Drugs used to uplift my mood and fight executive dysfunction a little bit, allowing me to do things such as music, but I built a tolerance very fast and now I just have pregabaline 1500mg every other day to suffer just a little less. I can't take pregabaline every day as it would fuck my tolerance up. So I spend one day literally crying in my bed all day long, wanting so bad to CTB, and the other day the pain is a little easier to bear (I switch from 0 to 1 or 2 on the mood scale - I still cry but I cry less).

I've been lurking for a while. Actually, I've known this website since the pandemic, but I regained interest in it a few weeks ago, when I understood it would never get better, that my life was already behind me, that I was nothing but a living corpse. And I thought I could access N from a DNM source, but I wanted to check on a reliable website if N could possibly be available somewhere, and luckily! SaSu exists and kept me from spending 1200€ on a scam. Thank you so much! I could have done a huge mistake. And I was like, you guys are so sweet to each other, why wouldn't I join you guys and talk with you, to help me figure out if CTB is definitely my only option. I don't want to break my wife's heart for nothing, they're my all. If I have to break their heart and leave them to grieve for years, at least I want to be sure it's just inevitable - and as I said, the sooner I'm gone, the better. I really want them to succeed in life, to keep on living, find another soulmate, because being in love with me is such a living hell. They deserve it so much. So I don't want to take a hasty decision. I'm very cautious about their well-being. And I start thinking that they just can't be happy with me, I'm such a burden, they're just watching and hearing me cry loudly all day long, powerless, and they feel guilty because they can't help me.
So here I am! on the best (and only?) pro-choice space in the world, hoping to find a way out of the dark, either by finding the strength to keep pushing on (as one of my favorite John Maus's songs says) or by CTB'ing.

 

[Dymphna]

Hello! Introducing myself mainly because I want to unlock the search function. :) I am here for personal research while I get my plan in place.

 

[AnyWonderBR]

I have been in therapy since I was three years old. I remember being in a room, a living room, the Hall, an apartment, where I sort of just stood still, and looked around in my environment...and all of it was just wrong. An ontological incompatibly, with an axiom, whose sole premise is pain and suffering.

But that's not why I was made to go to therapy. From birth until roughly the age of 20 I have had many traumas. I have been molested and raped. I have been subject to horrific amounts of poverty. I have gone nights and days starving, unable to eat. I would be beaten, emotionally and psychologically tortured, and I would endure all of this in a chaotic neighborhood.

School wasn't any better when I was young. I was bullied and beaten at school for being me I suppose. Not sure what I did wrong. I was also abused by teachers. One of my earliest memories, in Kindergarten, was hiding in a cabinet like structure, nails inside, sharp and painful. Still, it was preferable to being in a classroom.

Abuse isn't special, evil is redundant, so as a result I ended up being in much the same abuses until after high school. Still poor and dejected.

Therapy throughout this period was terrible. Up until my current therapist (who I am thankful for), not a single therapist or psychiatrist was willing to acknowledge the environment I was in...it was if being molested, and covered in my own feces and blood and urine was my fault. That it was all in my head... cognitive distortions. Medications given, nothing more than chemical straightjackets.

I was diagnosed as autistic...I am not. I was not diagnosed with cptsd, or even ptsd, until literally my current therapist.

I was in linguistics for Grad school, but had a change of Heart, and I thought about the fact that I like helping people more. It feels good. I feel a sort of niche, even though i still believe I don't belong here.

I would be studying for a MSW to be a therapist and I would be doing so potentially this fall. I just...have doubts about it all.

It literally wasn't until I heard about cptsd on Reddit, by chance, and that I decided to read the Body keeps the Score, by Bessel Van der Kolk. At that moment...my heart sank. For 20 years...I haven't even been alive, cognizant of what was going on. It was as if I was behind the curtains of a grand strange...to then have them open to a live audience...many.

Gabor Maté and some readings later...I finally realized what was wrong with me...but then...is it me?

Is it depression, when I can't afford to eat, struggle to pay bills, and can't feed My children?

Is it anxiety when I worry about the rape and violation of the natural world, finite resources expected to yield Infinite profits?

Is it being delusional when I worry about not being taken seriously as a rape and child molestation victim, simply because I am a man (a poor Mexican American man at that)?

Is any of this really mental illness...or is it natural reactions, to an unnatural Monster, incapable of ever being satisfied with what it has cannibalized?

I don't know. Part of me wants to, in my own small way, to make right what was made wrong, to take revenge by fighting back against gaslighting, and victim blaming mentality, that seeks to justify evil unto itself.

Part of me wonders what's the point. So many choose this evil. They worship it. They glorify it. They would give their life for it. A system that destroys and leads to suicide.

I don't know. I'm tired, I am 25 years old, and a POC (Am I? I don't feel like it. Sometimes in mental health discourse I feel like a monster for simply being a man. Even if I did become a therapist, there is the awkward reality that I would be a minority, since most are mainly women here in the United States.)

As for hobbies:

I play video games. I play and make my own music, using synthesizers and Pianos, like Vangelis. I am writing a novel, I do poems and short stories too, and I draw sometimes. I am a cinephile. My top three favorite movies are Blade Runner (the First one), No country for old men, and the lighthouse.

I have studied and learned multiple languages, and I like reading the classics. My favorite book of all time is the Brothers Karmazov by Dostoyevsky. I am currently reading Beowulf. I have CPTSD and ADHD. I am a man, 25.

 

[Astoria]

Hey there! I'm Astoria. I like video games, music, and reading. I'm not really good at introducing myself, so I hope this will suffice.

 

[AnyWonderBR]

Hi everyone. Another closeted trans woman living in a queerphobic hellhole here. I made some stupid, irrational decisions and now I'm back without a support system, without friends and without a supportive partner. I feel isolated and alone again.


Me too, when I have nothing to do. We should talk.

Sorry to hear about what you've been through. Hope you're feeling better in any way. Feel free to message and stuff if you want to talk.

Hi all, I am a girl in her late 20s. I have had a miserable childhood and it's memories don't leave me alone. My mother was neglectful and emotionally abusive. I see no point in life. I have no one who can understand me. I feel lonely and in top of that, I have always been suicidal since childhood. I am in constant emotional pain most of the time, I think I have some mental health problem like depression or bipolar. People consider me weird but I am ok enough for myself. I am so exhausted by my sadness, I just want to die and get it over with. Sometimes, I wish I had killed myself years ago, but I lived for I had hope. Hope for a world full of happiness and love. Forget about love, I can't even feel happy. I am always sad or angry. I am so tired. I hope to make this year my last year on earth. I don't see any hope anymore. I can't drag myself across life anymore. I know a lot of other people who have lives worse than me, but they are always so cheerful and hopeful, I feel so sad about why I feel the way I do. I even feel jealous of their strength. I tried everything I could. Nothing can fix me. For once a mirror breaks, it will never be the same again.

I am sorry to hear about what you've been through. I can relate to some of Things you had to Deal with as well. Feel free to message me if you want.

 

[AnyWonderBR]

¡Hola! ¿Cómo estás? Soy una chica argentina, me gusta escribir cuando tengo sentimientos encontrados, leer, ver fotos, escuchar música, estudiar, de vez en cuando dibujar y tomar buenos mates (es una infusión, tal vez la conozcas). Creo que tengo gustos básicos, pero son los que mejor me describen. Ah, también me gusta el cine. Solo soy aficionada, no sé mucho tampoco. No tengo muchas cosas interesantes para contar, je.

Me gustaría estar acá un tiempo, el suficiente. Quisiera aportar algo a este lugar. La verdad me gusta, es cómodo. Siendo sincera, cuando entro acá siento calidez, eso es lo que me gusta. Un gusto conocer esta comunidad.

Entiendo inglés (tengo un nivel básico) y me defiendo (un poco), pero podemos hablar si así lo quieres, aunque mi nivel en ese idioma deja mucho que desear, jaja.

Suelo ser una persona desanimada para lo que a mí respecta, pero animada si se trata de los demás. Una breve descripción, pero clara, o eso espero.

Abrazo para tu mente. <3

Sobre qué te gusta escribir? Soy de los Estados Unidos, pero tengo padres qué son mexicanos. Mí español casi no sirve, perdóname jaja.

 

[gabmor4]

Sobre qué te gusta escribir? Soy de los Estados Unidos, pero tengo padres qué son mexicanos. Mí español casi no sirve, perdóname jaja.

Sobre ideas o sentimientos surgidos en el momento. También escribo historias, usualmente sobre la vida de personas ficticias. Me gusta crear historias de todo tipo para ellos: amores, tristezas, enojos, alegrías. El último personaje al que le intenté dar vida se llama Matías, un muchacho de 16 años.
Me impresiona que estemos tan lejos y aun así nos podamos comunicar, es una locura, jaja.
Entendí perfectamente tu mensaje, no te preocupes. Escribes bien en español. <3

I used Cambridge translate for translate my reply:
About ideas or feelings that arose in the moment. I also write stories, usually about the lives of fictional people. I like to create stories of all kinds for them: loves, sorrows, angers, joys. The last character I tried to bring to life is called Matías, a 16-year-old boy.
I'm shocked that we're so far away and we can still communicate, it's crazy, haha.
I understood your message perfectly, don't worry. You write well in Spanish. <3

 

[AnyWonderBR]

Sobre ideas o sentimientos surgidos en el momento. También escribo historias, usualmente sobre la vida de personas ficticias. Me gusta crear historias de todo tipo para ellos: amores, tristezas, enojos, alegrías. El último personaje al que le intenté dar vida se llama Matías, un muchacho de 16 años.
Me impresiona que estemos tan lejos y aun así nos podamos comunicar, es una locura, jaja.
Entendí perfectamente tu mensaje, no te preocupes. Escribes bien en español. <3

I used Cambridge translate for translate my reply:
About ideas or feelings that arose in the moment. I also write stories, usually about the lives of fictional people. I like to create stories of all kinds for them: loves, sorrows, angers, joys. The last character I tried to bring to life is called Matías, a 16-year-old boy.
I'm shocked that we're so far away and we can still communicate, it's crazy, haha.
I understood your message perfectly, don't worry. You write well in Spanish. <3

Jaja, Gracias. Yo estoy escribiendo una novela horita.

Hi. Idk what to say exactly, I'm 23 and I made an account on this site recently because I'm close to considering death. I've been unhappy most of my life. Since I was 16 I felt ugly; I still feel ugly now, and now I'm worried about growing old and alone. I'm still a virgin and never felt good enough to have a boyfriend (i am male btw, gay/bi whatever). I was also diagnosed with aspergers/autism, it feels good at least knowing other people on the spectrum are on the forums, and I'm not that alone in that aspect. I have GAD and I'm on anxiety meds rn.

Uh, besides that, I like video games and sleeping a lot. I like to read sometimes, and my main passion is drawing and art. But, considering how much longer I wanna live, I'm slowly losing interest in my passions anyway..

I'll prob be making more posts in the future, I hope everyone can bear with me for my time here. Thank you for reading if you read all of that.

Sorry to hear about what you've been through. What video games do You play? What kind of Art do you do?

 

[plumelo]

Hi
I am a girl and i am 24 yo.
I don't think I ever liked life. I have already made several attempts. I was 10 the first time. I am diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I'm studying cinema but I don't really know if I'm interested in it. I lost a lot of interest in things. I like playing and listening to music

 

[bFre3]

Hello,

Thanks for having me.

I didn't have the greatest parents. I feel as if I was raised in a way that I can not have a functional life. I fear other people, I don't know how to love others nor love myself. I can't talk properly, I'm horrendous at expressing what I feel. If anything, it feels like every emotion that I do feel is fake. I'm just a complete mess of emotions that I simply bottle up all day.

The most ironic thing is that there are great people around me. What hurts the most is the knowledge that they all deserve to be around someone much more healthier and bright than me. Being gifted what you know you don't deserve is a pain that people don't seem to understand.

But disregarding the depressing talk,

I like music. I love listening to music, and like to play as well. I also like writing. The ability to create a whole new world, and to deliver your message alongside it is so beautiful. I used to watch anime, not so much now.

I'm a male. Living in Australia.

 

[Zanmato]

Greetings!

I found out this website some years ago, when someone in my Country (Italy) "Catched the bus", and someone mentioned this website.
Back then, it was blocked here.
After a while, I tried to see if I could see this website, and I started to looking at it, more often, day after day.
Now I decided to join you

I'm just a normal person, 31 years old (daaaamn), with a few hobbies, such as reading (manga, or books), watching tv series and movies, play games.
Once I played guitar and bass.
Right now, I'm trying to learn japanese.

Nice to meet you all!

 

[unabletocope]

I've been on here for a month but haven't introduced myself. My name is Ieuan, 30 years old. Suicidal, had hopes and dreams and they've all gone wrong, I don't want to be around for much longer than a few weeks if I can help it. Feel free to add me on discord if you want to connect (nextnewuser)

 

[actualfemcel]

Hello I am actualfemcel. 29 y/o virgin. Diagnosed autistic, ADHD and PTSD, but most people ignore the PTSD part and demonize me for being autistic. Or maybe I'm autistic because I was beat in the head as a baby, who knows. My hobbies include art and gaming, forms of escapism into a world where my voice actually matters somewhat. Ostracized my entire life for my deformities, despite being a straight A student. Couldn't keep or maintain friendships because I'm too retarded in that regard as well.
I wanted to get into medical school and become a neurosurgeon. That didn't work out; couldn't even get my foot in the door because medical schools only want female students who are already married to their alumni. College graduate burnout, got my loans forgiven due to being diagnosed with terminal illness. If it takes too long I'll take matters into my own hands even though that plan failed the first few times. Either way my end is soon and inevitable.