Introduce yourself

[sarahelizabeth]

I'm 36F and I live in a small town in Iowa. I have Asperger's and narcolepsy. My mom's a narcissist and my childhood was pretty terrible. I started having suicidal thoughts in sixth grade. I essentially grew up suicidal. My teen years and early 20's (before diagnosis) were an absolute train wreck.

I'm doing better these days. Have my own home, a good job, a great partner who is also on the spectrum, and some very lovable pets that are like my kids.

I still struggle a lot. I feel fundamentally broken and like I don't have what it takes to live in this society. I don't get people and don't have many close relationships besides my boyfriend. I feel like a freak a lot at work.

I'm extremely concerned about all the crap that's going on in my country and I'm scared we're going down a very dark path. I hold on to hope that we'll turn it around eventually. But I don't know when "eventually" is.

I love using the internet to learn about whatever interests me at the moment. Some staples of mine are US history, WWI and WWII, cosmology and astrophysics, and rare disorders, especially neurological ones. I'm a nerd with a lot of varied interests. And I love video games. Specifically RPGs and farming sims like Harvest Moon.

 

[pinkblur]

(lol i posted this in the wrong thread, deleted original thread to share here)

Hi, wanted to introduce myself here. I wrote this song a while back, and have recorded it as a demo as well. It was a suicide note I turned into a song. I've been doing a bit better these days but I still struggle with suicidal ideation often. The words still ring true, and I will end up following through sometime. but not right now. I still have certain aspects in life I want to take care of first.

i'm glad to have discovered this community as there have been too many times before where i feel like i've had no where to turn to. psyche ward, family, friends, therapists, the suicide hotlines; many times it feels no one has the answers. so i would end up internalizing everything within myself. I haven't spoken to many people in my life about this song or my suicidal ideation, because mainly at this point i feel it just burdens or is not worth the trouble to try anymore. but just want to say i feel a place where i can hopefully feel some sense of belonging, and that i hope that this song has a place here to resonate with others. thank you for accepting me.

Call it Quits

[CALL IT QUITS]
i don't plan on being here for long
before i go i'll leave behind these songs
remembering when life wasn't complex
remembering feeling like i had friends

so many days where i dont want to stay
i'm sick and tired of the games we play
a nervous break away from calling quits
can't find a way to keep my mind in check

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

i don't want to stick around for long
before i go i need to right my wrongs
i feel alone i've had enough of this
i feel this time there's nothing more to miss

so many things about me i can't change
alienate from everyone with age
every day i try to be my best
in the reflection i don't know who this is

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

i think it's time for me to hit the road
before i go i'll say goodbye to you all
i can't wait to get this off of my chest
i'm selfish but for me and you it's best

so many memories i wish i could make
i wish there were a way for me to stay
maybe next time i can try again
maybe next time i won't call it quits

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

 

[HollowDrop]

Hello. I'm nearly in my 30s and I've has serious depression with suicide planning since I was a child. My current anchor against suicide is my cat who's happiness means everything to me at the moment. Video games are my thing and good beer is my cope.
Difficult childhood, violent father, betraying "friends", cheating loved one, ridiculed for years for being a girl who likes video games instead of getting teen pregnant. Diagnosed with aspergers and depression too late.
Hopefully I'll be talking with some of y'all. This seems like somewhere I can finally be open with how I feel.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

(lol i posted this in the wrong thread, deleted original thread to share here)

Hi, wanted to introduce myself here. I wrote this song a while back, and have recorded it as a demo as well. It was a suicide note I turned into a song. I've been doing a bit better these days but I still struggle with suicidal ideation often. The words still ring true, and I will end up following through sometime. but not right now. I still have certain aspects in life I want to take care of first.

i'm glad to have discovered this community as there have been too many times before where i feel like i've had no where to turn to. psyche ward, family, friends, therapists, the suicide hotlines; many times it feels no one has the answers. so i would end up internalizing everything within myself. I haven't spoken to many people in my life about this song or my suicidal ideation, because mainly at this point i feel it just burdens or is not worth the trouble to try anymore. but just want to say i feel a place where i can hopefully feel some sense of belonging, and that i hope that this song has a place here to resonate with others. thank you for accepting me.

Call it Quits

[CALL IT QUITS]
i don't plan on being here for long
before i go i'll leave behind these songs
remembering when life wasn't complex
remembering feeling like i had friends

so many days where i dont want to stay
i'm sick and tired of the games we play
a nervous break away from calling quits
can't find a way to keep my mind in check

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

i don't want to stick around for long
before i go i need to right my wrongs
i feel alone i've had enough of this
i feel this time there's nothing more to miss

so many things about me i can't change
alienate from everyone with age
every day i try to be my best
in the reflection i don't know who this is

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

i think it's time for me to hit the road
before i go i'll say goodbye to you all
i can't wait to get this off of my chest
i'm selfish but for me and you it's best

so many memories i wish i could make
i wish there were a way for me to stay
maybe next time i can try again
maybe next time i won't call it quits

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

welcome! just wanted to say your song is so beautiful, thank you so much for sharing it <3

 

[cosifantutti]

I joined several weeks ago but didn't see this thread.
I'm a 63 yr woman from Scotland Definitely something wrong in the head since adolescence. Functioned for years but knew something was wrong.
At 41 I had a massive breakdown.
Over many years I improved a lot and life was worth living.
Over the last few years obsessive fear and PTSD from my depression have become an increasing problem.
This year I've been suffering far too much.
My life is good but my head is crap.

 

[BEDCHUTE!!]

hai, im 19 and u can call me nora :] ive been bullied essentially all my life, Even online 4 how i type/present myself. i hav a lot of mental issues that people dont seem 2 take srsly. i can't hold a job due to being Severely depressed and anxious (max days held at a job: 4).

im a leech who contributes nothing2 Society as people expect me to. i don't hav any irl friends and doubt i evr will because of how much of a recluse i am. the only time i go out is to go to class 2 hrz a week because my dad forces me to do college. i want 2 drop out so badly because it just makes me more miserable and want to die even more, but i can't. everyday i Daydream about killing myself and ending this repeated cycle of nothingness, bullying, people Leaving me, being held back by my dad, etc. here until i'm finally able to access something to end my life with (i liv with Family so itz hard)

besides that, i like music, films, video editing, electric guitar, internet weirdness, and anything creepy/scary. halloween W :P

 

[phantom-retreat]

Hey, I'm 21m I like indie games and making music and was bullied through the entirety of elementary school making me afraid of people and overthinking everything I say. I was living in my daydream bubble since I was very little, but since that popped I feel like I have no idea who I even am.

Mostly on the internet doing nothing, failing university and taking night walks sometimes.

 

[drainedguy32]

Hey, 21m from Spain. I'm going through some really bad times and I don't know what to do. I've been feeling bad for like 7 years, but last 2 months have just been rock bottom. I hate my life.

 

[CRT Seal TV]

Hi, 20m from Scotland. I broke up with a weird fwb situation turned girlfriend which I got into after breaking up with a long term high school sweetheart relationship. I have been depressed since long before, but now I have tried to CTB by stabbing myself in the neck with a knife. The knife was too blunt lol. I am looking to release some of my emotions on here to hopefully get better.

I've always wanted to be a part of an online group but I couldn't find a thing I was passionate enough about. Well, I do think about suicide a lot!

I like anime, gaming with friends, drinking, weed, whatever random thing I have an interest in the moment (currently It's always sunny in Philidelphia), talking. I don't enjoy uni, but I am almost done. I really miss cuddling.

 

[Epikur]

Hi there to you all,
don´t know if I am a bit misplaced here when I see that most of you are in your 20ies ... myself, 56m from Germany. Can´t exactly remember times when suicide has not been part of my (day-)dreams. Axienties started when I was a teenager. Panic attacs, social anxiety disorder. Depression on top. Had never been diagnosed till around 2006, though. First suicide attempt (jumping) at 15. Was cought falling off a window by a friend the very last moment. More attempts all the way through my 20ies and 30ies. Mostly hanging which for some reason I don´t know (fate? destination? I do not believe in such things as I am an atheist) never worked. Okay, there were better times in between. Multi-graduated, career, relationship, that stuff. Divorce. Ok, that wasn´t that bad after all since I had a very late coming out at 36 and was at least disburdened from that thing. Suicide fantasies and diverse trials didn´t stop, quite the contrary. But I am still here. And I have no idea why this is the case, for some of the attempts (mostly hanging) could very well have been succesful. Suicide thoughts are bitter-sweet fo me. Sweet for I expect an all-embracing peace (I do not believe in an afterlife) or at least a great emptiness (my nickname refers to the greek philosopher who taught us that death doesn´t matter for we will not live to see it). Bitter, as I feel guilty and filthy regarding my friends and family and especially my beloved husband. Lately I´ve been thinking about using an exit bag. The only thing that makes me hesitate is my moral struggle.

To put it with R. Frost:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep

Big hugs to you all,

T.

 

[wobblycoatrack]

Hello! I'm 19F and I'm in recovery atm. I used to struggle really badly with self harm and attempted multiple times. I don't keep track of exact timing but I'd say I'm about 2ish years clean now. I've been doing better and even started uni which I didn't think was possible a couple of years ago since I dropped out of high school. Lately I've been having a rough time mentally with the stress of uni and low self confidence and I've found myself having more intrusive thoughts of self harm and CTB and I thought maybe the recovery section of this site could help a bit?
I love video games, puzzles, science, coding, robotics, music and hanging out with friends.

 

[cosifantutti]

Hi there to you all,
don´t know if I am a bit misplaced here when I see that most of you are in your 20ies ... myself, 56m from Germany. Can´t exactly remember times when suicide has not been part of my (day-)dreams. Axienties started when I was a teenager. Panic attacs, social anxiety disorder. Depression on top. Had never been diagnosed till around 2006, though. First suicide attempt (jumping) at 15. Was cought falling off a window by a friend the very last moment. More attempts all the way through my 20ies and 30ies. Mostly hanging which for some reason I don´t know (fate? destination? I do not believe in such things as I am an atheist) never worked. Okay, there were better times in between. Multi-graduated, career, relationship, that stuff. Divorce. Ok, that wasn´t that bad after all since I had a very late coming out at 36 and was at least disburdened from that thing. Suicide fantasies and diverse trials didn´t stop, quite the contrary. But I am still here. And I have no idea why this is the case, for some of the attempts (mostly hanging) could very well have been succesful. Suicide thoughts are bitter-sweet fo me. Sweet for I expect an all-embracing peace (I do not believe in an afterlife) or at least a great emptiness (my nickname refers to the greek philosopher who taught us that death doesn´t matter for we will not live to see it). Bitter, as I feel guilty and filthy regarding my friends and family and especially my beloved husband. Lately I´ve been thinking about using an exit bag. The only thing that makes me hesitate is my moral struggle.

To put it with R. Frost:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep

Big hugs to you all,

T.

I beat you age wise. I'm 63.

 

[mirlnder]

hai :3 im mimorlander. im a 18F from Mexico, so if my english sounds a little broken, sorry :c

i like anime, manga (hanako-kun its great! read it if you want to distract yourself) videogames and tabletop games.
my interest are math, chemestry botanic and biology, im currently in college doing a engineering degree in biotechnology :3

i found this website while i was looking for methods, i looked and i agreed with its philosophy, i think that suicide its the mayor expression of liberty. which its beautiful for me, im an atheist so i dont belive that theres anything after death. sound a bit sad but it is what it is.

i really dont see any good future for me, my family never supported me in my interests. i live things in my past that i think they wont ever leave me. i have social anxiety so its really hard to me to meet new people and make friends, i see everyone around me talking and hanging out and stuff. so i feel pretty lonely at this point of my life. i also really hate big changes in my life.

i have tried everything to save myself, therapy, talking about my feelings, etc. love worked by a short time and that was the last straw, so imma ctb soon bc im frustrated and so fucking tired of everything!! :3 i think this is the last thing i have left.

its nice to be here!!

 

[astraceria]

Hello, im 18F from UK. To sum up, i've struggled with my mental health for the majority of my life. I have been failed by the system in my country so far and also by the people in my life. I have attempted multiple times and have also recently relapsed on SH after being clean for a year. Ive been bullied my whole life and as a result I find leaving my home extremely difficult. I struggle attending college and am quite behind in my education because of it. I dont really have anyone to talk to as I only speak to my two online friends. Im really lonely.

On the contrary, I love art, music and am really interested in anything esoteric! I am an artist myself and am currently studying art & design. I love make-up and fashion, cats, and helping other people. I also love history and abit of gaming. Im currently playing Borderlands 2.

I am hoping this space provides some sort of comfort for me for the remaining time ill be on this earth. <3 ty for taking the time to read

 

[FruityFairy]

Hi I'm Max :) currently 22 living in France. I had my first attempt almost 10 years ago and somehow things have only slipped downhill ever since. I always struggled with my brain and interacting with others; the older I get the less I can ignore those issues. Making visual art is the only thing that makes life worth living to me, but because I'm so afraid of others I can't manage to monetize my passion. I've been stuck in survival mode for so long, I have no idea how to live. There are days where I feel a glimpse of hope and other days where I just want out. I was happy to discover this forum as I spent most of my life connecting with people online. This place seems like a really supportive community for people who desperately need it.

 

[Dara Argith]

30F, USA
I've always been at war with suicidal thoughts since adolescence. There's been a wealth of rises and falls in my life, and this would be the hardest fall, from which I don't see a way back.
I'm bi-polar, and struggling to maintain access to my medications.
I am a cutter, with the urges returning in full force after remaining dormant for almost 15 years.
the only thing that's kept me mildly functional is playing dungeons and dragons.
I was put through an exorcism this year. I think something in me snapped awhile back, i haven't been the same since.
I had a bad breakup in january, enough that I was put into a psych ward.
I will probably spend the last months of my life alone.

 

[wiinterfrost]

hello, new here. it's hard to slip off my mask. i am so used to acting happy for the sake of others that even here on this internet forum i can't write an introduction that is true to me. idk... i've been ab*sed as a child, then as an adult and have no friends. from childhood it was clear to me that i would have to save the world and now i still feel that way. i know i could really change things for the better if given the chance, but trauma and ptsd and being shunned and experiencing bigotry and oppression and having every single friend i have had that wasn't abusive bail on me when i became more suicidal again is just too much. i just need a safe space, i just need a place to hear the rain and watch plants grow and hug the trees and moonbathe and i could give this world inventions and help and research and... but no. i am at my limits. hi, this is me.

 

[Hermit of life]

Hi, I'm a 26 years old guy, from chile, that has problem trying to have a reason to continue a existence to a hollow life. Since I was little I can't conclude a reason to live myself in a life that could continue without me. And now a lot of the things I used to like for justifying mi life lost their meaning.

It doesn't help that I have few people that I love, but It's not enough to try to keep myself in a chaotic and very overwhelming world.

I reach the page since I was fantasying with CTB methods, and I feel that I could express myself about the idea of someone that is know about the peace of stop existing. At least we could share a interesting chat before we can CTB.

 

[accountnamerequired]

Hi there to you all,
don´t know if I am a bit misplaced here when I see that most of you are in your 20ies ... myself, 56m from Germany. Can´t exactly remember times when suicide has not been part of my (day-)dreams. Axienties started when I was a teenager. Panic attacs, social anxiety disorder. Depression on top. Had never been diagnosed till around 2006, though. First suicide attempt (jumping) at 15. Was cought falling off a window by a friend the very last moment. More attempts all the way through my 20ies and 30ies. Mostly hanging which for some reason I don´t know (fate? destination? I do not believe in such things as I am an atheist) never worked. Okay, there were better times in between. Multi-graduated, career, relationship, that stuff. Divorce. Ok, that wasn´t that bad after all since I had a very late coming out at 36 and was at least disburdened from that thing. Suicide fantasies and diverse trials didn´t stop, quite the contrary. But I am still here. And I have no idea why this is the case, for some of the attempts (mostly hanging) could very well have been succesful. Suicide thoughts are bitter-sweet fo me. Sweet for I expect an all-embracing peace (I do not believe in an afterlife) or at least a great emptiness (my nickname refers to the greek philosopher who taught us that death doesn´t matter for we will not live to see it). Bitter, as I feel guilty and filthy regarding my friends and family and especially my beloved husband. Lately I´ve been thinking about using an exit bag. The only thing that makes me hesitate is my moral struggle.

To put it with R. Frost:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep

Big hugs to you all,

T.

There's a song based on this poem you might like, miles to go by stateless. Maybe you've already heard it but I thought you might be interested.

 

[takyon]

hi im new here, 18f from texas. i struggle with bpd that completely affects my ability to maintain relationships and ive been unemployed for about 5 months because i have no motivation to do anything at all. recently one of my only friends, a guy that i wasnt officially dating but we had a romantic/sexual relationship, completely ghosted me to get back with his ex and ive been spiraling so badly. i dont want to continue this cycle and ive been relying heavily on drugs and alcohol to feel better or feel nothing at all. i have very, very few other friends, honestly id say only 1 other friend. i rarely leave my room and have lost quite a bit of weight, not even intentionally but i do have anorexic habits. the only way i make a little money is selling pictures of my body and this supplies my addictions pretty well. i feel like such a waste of oxygen and im absolutely exhausted. ive also been self harming a lot recently and its something ive missed a lot. everyone makes me feel psychotic for actually enjoying self harm and i wish it wasnt as looked down upon. i just cut when im angry at myself, not to kill myself; but nobody really understands. friendships and relationships are the only thing that gave me a reason to keep living in the past, and now that my guy friend is gone i see nothing else in my future. sorry if this was like really depressing, i dont know what else to add besides that i like music and shows and movies a lot. i just want to feel like part of a community before i suck it up and ctb

 

[ewlife]

Hi :) I'm 26F, diagnosed with MDD at 16. I first tried to CTB when I was 14, then at 21, and hopefully this next time will be the last.

I'm also a grad student in clinical psychology (lol) and I like rock climbing when I'm not feeling sad.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

Hello,

I'm a 40 year old man. I was a victim of childhood sexual assault by my grandfather. My father was brutal alcoholic that regularly threatened to kill me. And tried a couple of times too. My uncles were no better. I know genuine psychopaths make up only a small percentage of the world's population but, I'm convinced a good chunk of them are concentrated in my family.

I have never really felt joy or happiness. I can't even really define them or know what it would take for me to feel them. I have had many tries with a shotgun. I had an entire year where I would just keep putting it in my mouth and try to pull the trigger. I just can't seem to do it. I started looking down the barrel while smashing the butt on the ground. I don't know why I was ok with mechanical failure but, couldn't actually do it myself. I let my firearms license lapse but, am in the process of getting it back. I am hoping that soon I will be able to try again.

 

[Starry2He]

Hello!
I am a 28 year old trans woman, i love wholesome anime and romantic sappy songs. I used to read a LOT (Sanderson is the only god i will worship), and i spend my free time trying not to think, and i am usually thinking of death when i am thinking. I have attempted 6 times, all of which are interrupted or aborted. I guess i just didnt want to leave yet?
I've been thinking about killing myself since i was 8, and i hate capitalism. Nice to meet you all!!

 

[Fatcat]

Hey there, I am a middle age man living with multiple mental health diagnoses through my whole life. I have been contemplating suicide since I was a teenager. I don't like being mentally ill. I have tried to OD on street drugs many times over the years with no success. I like sleeping and being alone. I can't wait to ctb off this world.

 

[sammiechzxv]

I'm kind of boring

 

[dizzdesi]

hello everyone! damn I can't express how thankful and happy I am to join a site like this after wading through the many, MANY "you have so much to live for, things will get better..." sentiments on nearly every other site. thank you guys for creating and up keeping this site. I am 25 years old, female, live in the US. I have been suicidal since 13, and have been on many medications to try to fix that. I'm not looking to fix it now; I consider CBT to be the most reasonable choice for me to make, and it's one I'll be making sometime in March 2024. until then, I'd love to meet every one of you. we need each other even if recovery isn't possible. we are currently tethered here after all, we might as well make our last days meaningful and surrounded by a community who accepts us.
I have a lot of my interests under my profile--but I'll quickly add I'm a huge LoZ fan, uni student of political science, and a horror movie lover. I look forward to get to know you all!

 

[HuskyD'hiver]

Hey there, I'm grateful to be here. Sorry if this post and my future posts are super long, I'm a very verbose person and I probably deserve whatever insult you throw my direction if that will make you feel better. I'm an asexual, male, 18 year old western Canadian that is currently in my first year of university as a political sciences major and a linguistics minor. I'm super interested in politics, games, music, and too many other things to name because I'm a smartass and known as a "human encyclopedia" to my friends. I suffer from ADD, depression anxiety, failure anxiety, suicidal depression (guess that's a given here), and probably a boat load of mental illnesses. I've had serious suicidal ideation since I was severly bullied in elementary school and have a fluctuating mental state that seems to be on the downturn as of late. I am here mostly just to vent to others that may relate to me a bit better than most in the world. I may CTB some day, I don't ever planning on a specific time or method, it will probably be a spur of the moment event when I finally can't deal with myself anymore, which may be quick and painless, or I'll let myself suffer (which I probably deserve to). I hope the best to everyone here, whatever that may mean for you, but for me, I just hope that I don't make anyone upset when I finally confront death.

 

[Betelgeuse8000]

Good evening everyone. I'm a relatively average 18 y.o man from god's mightiest state of Florida. I'm quite delusional but am really good at hiding it from just about everyone. I've graduated high school, and have absolutely no clue where to go with my life, slowly coming to the conclusion that there really isnt a viable way forward for me. I've had on-and-off considerations with catching for the past few years, but due to a lack of serious planning, all of the attempts were just me in the bathroom with a knife feeling like a pussy. I found this place last night through an archive of ash that linked to here for further reading/discussion, and since then I've taken a keen interest in SN. It certainly seems a lot easier to do than stabbing/cutting myself, thats for sure. Whether or not that's how things go down remains to be seen, but I'll be sure to type it all out to help guide any other sorry sods who follow in my footsteps, like the worlds worst psychopomp.

 

[whyamilikethis]

I'm back lol.
Used to be @raintheloser, deleted my account after being locked up for a week cause of a failed CTB, and now I'm back ig.
Gonna get straight to the point. I still wanna kms. My methods changed though to something more foolproof (jumping from a tall bridge into water). Idk if I wanna go ahead w/ it, but my life has only gotten worst since last year, but cause things are still pretty uncertain. I'm just waiting till its obvious life wouldnt get better (in other words i'm a pussy :| ).
Here to get support since the only one who gets it is my therapist who is pretty neutral on the pro-life/choice thing. She obviously doesnt wanna see me die and she prevents that as best as she can but she accepts that in the end only I can make the final call.

 

[princexhhn]

heyo peeps, late intro LOL. as usual in this forum, just another suicidal person. when i created this account, i thought id die soon after lol thats why my user is a keyboard smash... but here i am… id like to put a little note thingy that ive seen on others so that i would not have to be referred to as a keyboard smash but idk how LOL. My name is prince. Im queer. Im a SEAsian, half filipino half chinese TvT. Im fluent in english and filipino, i know mandarin somewhat and only know hokkien to a "everyday speaking" type of way because i never really learned it at school. Ive never been exceptionally great or special. Of course id get honors have high grades i was a top student but only second best lol. Im in a ton of fandom spaces since those, aside from sasu, are like my escape. Ive been super into DC comics for several years now and Star Wars about 2 years. im also into formula 1 (verstappen needs to be stopped…) and mortal kombat (lol someone told me if i dont kms theyll get me mk1). Some shows ive been watching are the boys, fiona and cake, and gotham. planning to watch the end of the fucking world soon (i mean why not enjoy some cool shows before i can get a chance to ctb right? lol). im a business major. Ive heard a lot of stereotype about business major being lax and stuff which i dont get… because im always busy always math math math its exhausting i have several separate subjects that are all just MATHH.. and if anyone cares, i go by any pronouns lol. Just been dancing around ctb this past week, not sure when but itll happen

i feel kinda weird with this intro cause i feel like the ones ive read are about ctb mostly but here i am with.. it looks normal.. is this allowed im so sorry T-T