Introduce yourself

[Shiva_Story]

hi, i'm 39 yrs old cryptobro from central europe,
i exited the hamster wheel 5yrs ago and had a nice life, but i've reached limits of what's possible alone and ran out of reasons to engage with the narrative of my life. travelling to SE Asia was the best decision of my life.
my biggest struggle is purposelesnes and inability to socialize.

i love electronic music, nature, philosophy and work with AI to create novel forms of digital content.

 

[KiraX]

Hello~ I go by kira. I'm at my rock bottom but some non depressing things about me:
I'm a huge nerd, love pc games, anime, art, ect
I obsess over dragons <3 I'm a bit of a furry so I usually have a dragon fursona, but since hitting rock bottom I haven't had a fursona as nothing feels like what I want to look like.
I also am a huge nerd for fishing, it's my one irl hobby aside from drawing but I can't draw anymore due to rock bottom mental health.

I love food... sushi mostly... flan...pumpkin pie
I wish I could afford to buy any of those anymore lol!

And lastly I love birds... Osprey are my favorite

 

[underthedatetree]

Hello
Call me Date if need be
I'm a 24F agoraphobe. I like sleeping, maladaptive daydreaming, watching and reading true crime to affirm my fear of the outside world, and other forms of escapism, usually anime or easy chill video games.
Everyday I grieve over my many failures to my loved ones, and fear for the future. My goal is to be ash, to be buried with my best friend of 13 years baby kitten and my parents, under a date tree.

 

[jnpx321]

Hi I'm Clouds, I'm 19F and from the US.

I've suffered from anxiety/depression since I was 13, had emotionally neglectful workaholic parents who actively made me feel terrible about myself, and now I've spiraled and cannot take it anymore. I've always been in and out of depression, can't remember a time when I was happy actually, and I've tried all I can to turn it around with different types of therapy and meds.

My work makes me miserable. But I can't give up on it because I am in a position that everyone wants. I now realize that I can't follow my dreams, because my dreams will not make any money. And all the people at the top don't want to share, so if I want to do what I'm passionate about I'll have to also work endless hours on the side with an unlivable wage. So I have to continue to be miserable with my job, and I will have to work and be miserable 9-5 every day unless I prematurely end it.

What's your dream?

hai, im 19 and u can call me nora :] ive been bullied essentially all my life, Even online 4 how i type/present myself. i hav a lot of mental issues that people dont seem 2 take srsly. i can't hold a job due to being Severely depressed and anxious (max days held at a job: 4).

im a leech who contributes nothing2 Society as people expect me to. i don't hav any irl friends and doubt i evr will because of how much of a recluse i am. the only time i go out is to go to class 2 hrz a week because my dad forces me to do college. i want 2 drop out so badly because it just makes me more miserable and want to die even more, but i can't. everyday i Daydream about killing myself and ending this repeated cycle of nothingness, bullying, people Leaving me, being held back by my dad, etc. here until i'm finally able to access something to end my life with (i liv with Family so itz hard)

besides that, i like music, films, video editing, electric guitar, internet weirdness, and anything creepy/scary. halloween W :P

I'm sorry to hear that

 

[lycheeginger]

hey, i'm ginger. i'm a student from the USA. i've been lurking for a while, and i really like this community. i wanted to start contributing.

i love to learn! i'm fixated on cosmology, psychology, and philosophy. i don't know as much as i would like to, but i would be ecstatic to have a conversation about any of those topics. if my situation changes, i'd like to consider becoming a teacher.

i crochet and sculpt, but i'm not very good at either. i read and write a lot. i'm learning how to code, too. i started because i wanted to develop my own game someday.

i watch a lot of TV. i'm in the process of binging breaking bad right now. i also like to bake so i enjoy cooking competition shows.

a few reasons bring me here, mainly a failed attempt that i'm facing the medical consequences of right now. i'm at a crossroads between recovery and a way out, but i'm trying to hang on and see if i can get any better.

i appreciate this forum, and everyone in it. this place has singlehandedly encouraged more progress for me in a couple weeks than therapy has in years.

 

[deadbody]

Hi all. I've been reading this forum for a long time and only now decided to join.
I'm 22, studying at university, next year will be my graduation year. I love cats, rats, computer games and coffee. I think I could drink buckets of coffee lol.
I also like to watch old films and anime.
I have virtually no friends in real life, so it would be nice to chat with someone here.
Thank all of you for being here, you are great people!

 

[tiger b]

Hi everyone,

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was six, but even then I knew it was mostly because of my crappy abusive family, so I became the shy yet determined type who managed to crawl out of the gutter physically even though not entirely emotionally.

I'm in my fourties now, (and much less shy), had a year from hell, yummy crippling debt and medical issues - not fun. I've had some dark days but I would only ctb as you guys say after a long period of reflection. It's not something you can take back, is it. And maybe I've some unfinished business, I'll finally write that book about existential chickcrabs etc.

Came here out of curiosity because of some shoddy journalism by the BBC and I feel that they'll be some honest discussion here, people saying who they are and maybe virtual cake and friends. Already I know there are some messed up people here, facing really difficult issues, but the best friends I've ever had are in that category. My heart (or what's left of it) goes out to you all.

Meow

 

[snowcloud9]

What's your dream?

I want to become a sociologist and change the government to make life better for everyone. But it's very hard to have a say, and roles that can do that and pay high have that are a very cut throat and toxic environment that is not solely focused on advancing human prosperity for all. Rather, those in power are focusing on advancing human prosperity for those already in power since that's what will get them reelected.

 

[HerLastChance]

This is gonna be scary for me but here goes nothing! Also I ramble I am so sorry. Tldr: Living as myself feels like I'm forcing it and I can't take it anymore. I found this site today but mostly will lurk in my depression states.

I am a black chick in my late 20s, horribly shy, certified weird girl and abit unhinged and an S tier masker, I adore art and dabble into it quite abit 2d,3d, music you name it, but unfortunately I suffer with intense focusing problems so all my ideas fail to come to life which makes me very sad, I constantly bring it up to mental health professionals and my family but it's like talking to NPCs... I've been begging to get help with it, I have some diagnosed illnesses like GAD and an Mood disorders but they have not told me, though I suspect bipolar as a parent of mine has it. I also self suspect that I may be on the autism scale.

I enjoy philosophy, psychology (really wanna go to school for psychology :D) documentaries, watching mindless internet drama, I love memes, I love ALL types of music. Mostly rap, glitchcore and sigilkore, used to love mmorpgs but the genre has been neglected for years, I love to make dumb jokes (I love dark humor and dark stuff in general), and enjoy talking about anything cause I gots a lot to say, having realistic discussions is fun for me. There's more but I'm already typing waaaay too much.

Now for some lore of why I wish to go to sleep permanently, I have been chronically online since single digit age, never was good at making friends but I had a few, everything got flipped when entering middle school I got bullied severely so my computer was my best friend, my mother never properly raised me (she kept me alive that's about it) which took me years to figure out that, that was neglect. I don't know how to drive,cook,never had a physical job, etc. Basically I'm a NEET but it hurts the more I age, everything is confusing I feel stupid in life, can't relate to other adults, younger ones just call me old, I can't maintain any friendship properly (I don't have irl friends) I've never had a real life relationship, my issues either make people leave me or I leave them, I wish I was normal, I'm scared what will happen to me when my family dies off, I feel like a burden to my family and just overall hate myself and wake up with hatred towards life or genuinely question what's the point? I feel less joy daily and rapidly and see a short future, I hope I can push through all this but if all fails, this will be my last restort (just started singing papa roach typing that xd) Sorry this message is ALL OVER THE PLACE and long af. If it's too much/too long feel free to delete, I can't help it lol... I could've been more detailed but uh I'd be typing forever. Bai Bai!!

 

[deadlemonade]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

hi everyone :3

i'm lemonade or lemon !
any prns
i really like overwatch, and supertf LOL thats rlly it i hope that i can find a good way to CTB

 

[Jorms_McGander]

This is gonna be scary for me but here goes nothing! Also I ramble I am so sorry. Tldr: Living as myself feels like I'm forcing it and I can't take it anymore. I found this site today but mostly will lurk in my depression states.

I am a black chick in my late 20s, horribly shy, certified weird girl and abit unhinged and an S tier masker, I adore art and dabble into it quite abit 2d,3d, music you name it, but unfortunately I suffer with intense focusing problems so all my ideas fail to come to life which makes me very sad, I constantly bring it up to mental health professionals and my family but it's like talking to NPCs... I've been begging to get help with it, I have some diagnosed illnesses like GAD and an Mood disorders but they have not told me, though I suspect bipolar as a parent of mine has it. I also self suspect that I may be on the autism scale.

I enjoy philosophy, psychology (really wanna go to school for psychology :D) documentaries, watching mindless internet drama, I love memes, I love ALL types of music. Mostly rap, glitchcore and sigilkore, used to love mmorpgs but the genre has been neglected for years, I love to make dumb jokes (I love dark humor and dark stuff in general), and enjoy talking about anything cause I gots a lot to say, having realistic discussions is fun for me. There's more but I'm already typing waaaay too much.

Now for some lore of why I wish to go to sleep permanently, I have been chronically online since single digit age, never was good at making friends but I had a few, everything got flipped when entering middle school I got bullied severely so my computer was my best friend, my mother never properly raised me (she kept me alive that's about it) which took me years to figure out that, that was neglect. I don't know how to drive,cook,never had a physical job, etc. Basically I'm a NEET but it hurts the more I age, everything is confusing I feel stupid in life, can't relate to other adults, younger ones just call me old, I can't maintain any friendship properly (I don't have irl friends) I've never had a real life relationship, my issues either make people leave me or I leave them, I wish I was normal, I'm scared what will happen to me when my family dies off, I feel like a burden to my family and just overall hate myself and wake up with hatred towards life or genuinely question what's the point? I feel less joy daily and rapidly and see a short future, I hope I can push through all this but if all fails, this will be my last restort (just started singing papa roach typing that xd) Sorry this message is ALL OVER THE PLACE and long af. If it's too much/too long feel free to delete, I can't help it lol... I could've been more detailed but uh I'd be typing forever. Bai Bai!!

I just wanted to clarify, I'm trying to put a hug on everyone here who showed up after I got my hugs for showing up here. I put a heart on yours because you put so much of yourself out there, adding to the wonderful complexity of human reality and helping myself and hopefully many others understand what it is to be a human being on Earth in these times. It's because you rocked up here, plonked down your briefcase, popped it open and said "THIS IS MY HEART". Well done.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

Hello I am a really confused transgender person.
At first I wanted to be a girl, now non-binary. I don't know anymore but it won't matter anymore if I chose to end it all.
They/them please

I have been ghosted/abandoned far too many times to keep my faith in humanity. I even explained my abandonment anxiety and clingy tendencies issues when forming a social bond with somebody. I have always been an outcast who never fit in anywhere. I have experienced bullying, abuse which caused my anxious attachment style which ruins every fucking relationship I try forming with another human being. I am a very open-minded, loyal and caring to people I love.

Other than that my hobbies are reading manga, watching anime and creating art. I also listen to Japanese music, alternative music and so on. Honestly I see myself being quite active on here... that is if my life keeps going downhill further an further.

Nice to meet you all.

 

[cryvinglightning]

hello,
i'm 19 years old and i'm enrolled in university. i study japanese.
my hobbies are reading, writing and drawing. i like watching the trains go by and i lke sour candy. that's all for now, i think.

 

[JamesPotter07]

Hii, i like music, reading and scrolling aimlessly :) my favorite music artists are taylor swift, cavetown (robbie<3), ricky jamaraz and hollywood undead but i also love randoms from any era including the 1920s xD im also a massive marauders geek so if anyone else loves the marauders id love to hear some of your hcs! im genderfluid and use all pronouns and am omni (atm kinda questioning tho lol)

 

[LostInTheWoods]

Hello guys, I'm a almost 30 years old from Italy. In my life I struggled with both mental and internal issues than the external one. Until a certain age, I had a more endogenous depression, i was like life has no purpose, i just didn't want to be on this planet. I thought "life is like a videogame, i reached this point and i don't feel like i want to go ahead, why shouldn't I press exit?". I thought people were too in awe with this thing called "life", that is just a random thing. Of course I valued a lot the life of others, of the animals etc, but not mine.

Then I started to enjoy things more, to be the kind of person who's able to appreciate the so called little things. A walk, a concert, listening to music, traveling, even just a sunny day.
But as I tried my way into the world, I was literally smashed by everything, because of my external problems, that I didn't ever considered that much. Psysical issues, like a malformation, hearing and manual problems. Unability of creating bonds. Unabality to find a stable job. An horrible genetic and an abusive and toxic family. I've started comparing myself to others. I saw them with their normal (not perfect, I know, but normal!) genetic, I saw them having a normal family (again, not perfect, but normal), saw them achieving thing with a an effort of 10, while me with an effort with 100, I could afford not even the half they reached.

But I'm not someone who blames others, I blame them only if they wrong me. It's not their fault if I'm abnormal. So I just think I'm a failed experiment, I'm someone not made for this world, I don't want to live a life in which I have to put 100 to reach half of the things people reach with 10. I don't care if others have it worse etc. My destiny is to kill myself and i'm 3 years late, at least. I'm a parasite of the human race, someone who in other societies would have been euthanased at birth. Now i'm with people who don't know my struggles, and they still demand that i'm completely normal. In Italy if you dont laugh everyday speaking aloud etc you are bullied by everyone. I just dont want to laugh everyday I had concrete problem since i was born, i've never had normal parents, i have many psycal defects etc. I just want to die. I had too many constraints, I can't do this anymore. Despite all these constraint I was able to live abroad. to reach a good position, to have 2-3 friends along the way (that now i lost completely, and i have never had a group of friends, just morbose situation), but now i just cant anymore, i surrend

 

[RainGhost]

Hey there, I'm grateful to be here. Sorry if this post and my future posts are super long, I'm a very verbose person and I probably deserve whatever insult you throw my direction if that will make you feel better. I'm an asexual, male, 18 year old western Canadian that is currently in my first year of university as a political sciences major and a linguistics minor. I'm super interested in politics, games, music, and too many other things to name because I'm a smartass and known as a "human encyclopedia" to my friends. I suffer from ADD, depression anxiety, failure anxiety, suicidal depression (guess that's a given here), and probably a boat load of mental illnesses. I've had serious suicidal ideation since I was severly bullied in elementary school and have a fluctuating mental state that seems to be on the downturn as of late. I am here mostly just to vent to others that may relate to me a bit better than most in the world. I may CTB some day, I don't ever planning on a specific time or method, it will probably be a spur of the moment event when I finally can't deal with myself anymore, which may be quick and painless, or I'll let myself suffer (which I probably deserve to). I hope the best to everyone here, whatever that may mean for you, but for me, I just hope that I don't make anyone upset when I finally confront death.

wow, you sound like a really interesting person!

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Okay, why don't I introduce myself? I haven't introduced myself by...not my name for a long time, but... you can just call me Rain/Ray, since this name is associated with my condition.
About me? I trapped myself in my own pride and loneliness. I started cutting off contacts with people a few years ago because I started to get annoyed that I was wasting time on empty talk.
I'm still happy to meet new people, I really enjoy talking, but it only lasts me a day or a week at most. Then I just leave because I can't stand the condescending tone. They constantly say that they understand me, that they feel my pain and that this is normal. Oh, this eternal desire to bring everyone under a common norm...ugh

I hear voices. My problems have long been mixed with the interdimensional delirium that I feel and hear. I have fallen into a state of permanent aggression and I am afraid that I may lose control. I know that this is considered normal and nothing until I commit an illegal act, so...I just have to try to deal with it alone.
Suicide? I want to die all the time, but sometimes this desire drowns out something else. But even in moments when I am happy, I feel like I want to die. Not accidental death, but suicide. After all, when you die by choice, you think that you are a slave to life and death is freedom. But when you have an incurable disease or are simply threatened with death... you become its slave, and life becomes freedom.
I'm an artist, I often draw my original characters, but also sometimes based on my fandoms, which are not very popular, so I won't even talk about it... well, to be honest, until the new year I'm forbidden to talk about some things. I swore a blood oath to my mentor.

I like philosophy, history, politics and psychology. I love learning new things, I love exploring.

I tried to get treatment, but I was prescribed the wrong pills, and I managed to avoid an official diagnosis, which could have ruined my life, so now I am not undergoing treatment and am officially healthy.

if you ever want to chat for an evening or two about anything, I'm always open to it.//

 

[Life]

Hello guys, I'm an 18 year old male from the USA in my first semester of college majoring in Engineering, I've always been relatively lonely and college has only amplified it, I have done so many things to try and get away from my loneliness but it always comes back, I'm always alone, depressed, lost at 1 AM wondering if I should just finally end it.

My hobbies include reading (recently made a Wattpad account lmao), origami (Not to good but I've gotten slightly better after years of doing it), history/geography (I love European History especially but I know the most about American), 60s music (though I like listening to all kinds of music), and of course gaming as it's the best cope for being a failure. I am also very much black pilled and I enjoy discussing that kind of philosophical stuff lol.

I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression at around 6 or 7.

Open to talk to anyone pretty much any time as I'm terminally online to help myself cope....

 

[dejadoom]

hi, i'll be 23 in 2 weeks. i love music, my cat zelda, i've had a longterm boyfriend of 4 years and i like to go out and socialize on occasion. i've always been a severely unstable manic depressive, but over the years i've learned to hide it better so i appear mostly normal albeit a little odd to others. i suck at committing to death apparently cause i'm on suicide attempt #3 between the ages of 11-18 lol. i can name a million reasons i love life and the people and things in it but it'll never be enough for me to want to stay

 

[finalrequiem]

27, aroace, (pre-everything) trans man. :/

I draw stupid Umineko art on Twitter and am hopelessly depressed. I just want to end it.

Bipolar 1 (which I disagree with and think is only a label I've been given for meds), PTSD, generalized anxiety, used to also have depression but I think that's been swapped into the bipolar label atp.

I wanna die. Nice to meet you LMAO

 

[jujujr]

Hey
I get up, work out, go to bed on repeat hoping that if im still alive, might as well be the biggest baddest mf i can be

I have an addiction thats been with me since i was a wee boy, all the help ive ever gotten never really did much, all the doctors never really did anything to help with me mentally

tbh the state our healthcare system is IMO is in shambles

Idk what else to say. im just sad

 

[Loindelaterre]

Hello,
I'm a 52-year-old man in France.
After a not very happy childhood, a marriage and 2 children, today I have no friends, no job, no wife and children who are finally far away. I've been very lonely and have wanted to leave for many, many years.
I'm on this forum to help me find the best solution, knowing that like all of you I don't want to miss out and I don't want to suffer too much either.
Thank you for accepting me

 

[bordermark]

hey, I just joined. 21, from the States, call me Mark. Been lurking on here since three years back, maybe. Forgot about this place for like two years and here I am again. Don't love how depressing and weird it can be here, kinda scared, but in need of company that gets it. College dropout, I only did one semester, but I might go back. I pay for Spotify every month no matter what, I make tons of playlists according to diff moods. My hobbies and interests change a lot but I like writing, especially in my journal. Though it gets harder to touch it as I'm in a pretty deep suicidal depressive episode. I worry a lot about being a good person, and have a hard time with maintaining relationships. I feel very lonely even when I'm not alone. I've been struggling with suicidal urges for years but the past three have been some of the toughest. I have two friends, I think. Or three. I dunno. I want to experience connection and a proper shot at romantic stuff. So, I think that's why I'm still here. Looking for friends I can be close and open with while respecting each others boundaries. Not planning to CTB, but it's really tough, I'll tell you that for free. PM me if interested, must be 19-25, no weird shit.

Hey all

My name is Park and I'm 21M from the US East Coast. I grew up with a very rough childhood filled with relentless abuse. Due to manipulative/abusive parents I never had anywhere to go and I've wanted to CTB on and off throughout my life. As of recent the feeling is much more strong and overbearing. I've been a hermit for almost 3 years and as a result have no friends either online or irl. In fact, I can't say I ever had any "real" friends who weren't just hollow social connections I needed to enjoy HS and not be ostracised as a loner.

I hope by joining this forum I can help myself get away from wanting to CTB and maybe make friends to help me achieve that goal. While the idea of being able to one day close my eyes and just let all the horror I've experienced melt away into nothing is comforting I love so much about the world and I don't want to go. I believe one day I can get better and I think finally having a place to talk about my experiences will help me along.

As for me as a person I love to learn, exercise, and generally self-improve, it's a bit of an obsession actually. I make art, study languages(French rn maybe B1?), study biochem for uni, and a lot more. I used to know Japanese growing up since I had a lot of friends overseas but I haven't used it in years. I'm also a hobby geologist and mycologist since I love to be outside up in the mountains.

hey Park, i followed you, maybe we could get to know each other. this is crazy but i realized i kinda like running. and walking. it's so annoying how exercising and eating nutrients helps you with fitness goals. i know nothing about rocks but i had a pet rock when i was younger and my profile pic is a mountain so i think that speaks for itself (idk man, i just chose a generic profile pic)

 

[soulessbunny]

I joined a week ago and just saw this thread so thought why not say hey-
im a bi woman from Europe. have always felt alone. I've had "thoughts" since I was bout 9, kinda was the one in family that got picked on or was used as punching bag. Have sh on throughout life ,always went through life thinking I was just shy but turns out I'm on the spectrum. Even though I have a partner and he wants kids -sometimes I do but sometimes I keep having thoughts like why do we bother with life,when we know at the end we die, like worse prize ever, have life then u die .I have had 3 unsuccessful attempts, 1 recent, and worst is having my fiancé say he can't understand why ppl do, and looking at me dissapointly. So here to mix wiv likeminded ppl and discovering a complete peaceful way to go,when I can't go on no more(sorry for long rant)

 

[IcarusUnderSun]

Hello. My name is Icarus, I'm 19 years old, a transman, and have been struggling with depression and therapy since 4th grade. I joined last night after being off my meds for a few days, so I don't know if I'll be active very often once I take them again, but even so, I will eventually catch the bus within the next few years in minimum.

I am an unemployed college dropout, and was originally planning on becoming a defense attorney for foster youth and juvenile delinquents. I myself had been through the foster system and been in poverty for most of my life, leading to criminal behavior in my youth. Although, maybe there's a reason most people in social causes are well meaning bystanders, because I have failed time and time again to be able to lift myself from my past.

I've been attempting since I was 13 and only one attempt worked before I was resuscitated and hospitalized last month. I feel strongly about CTB because I have done certain things in my past, and feel that if I am allowed to continue living, that I will do so again, harming others in ways that are unacceptable. I'm a case study in warning signs of a potential serial killer since a very early age, and do not wish to someday become so uncaring and nihilistic that I commit to the urges of hurting those around me without empathy for anyone's wellbeing that is my own. I do not particularly want to die as an escape from abuse anymore as I had for most of my adolescent years, but as a preventative measure for the safety of those around me.

If my two options are to merely exist in self loathing until I take myself out, or to live happily and contentedly, hurting those around me, then it's my moral prerogative to pick the right choice. Rabid dogs have to be put down.

I don't ask for sympathy, but hope to find a way to CTB that will hurt the least amount of people around me and am willing to play the long game to achieve this end.

 

[ivllis]

Intros are always my favorite part about anything! Hello! My name is Nem and I'm a wannabe hikikomori. I say wannabe because I can't really afford to live on my own yet and I still have classes I need to attend. I like to self isolate a lot because it makes me feel happier. That aside I can talk about my interests! I love RPG games like Mogeko castle, ZENO, Pokémon (red), etc. I enjoy ranfren and other web comics like I love Amy, Suicide boy and other ones. I take culinary classes because that's really what I want to pursue! I also enjoy dressing in emo style and listening to emo bands. I think that's about all! Thank you for reading!!!

 

[stonertwili]

Hi, I'm Demitrix, a pre-everything trans man, 18 , not planning to make it through the year, and recent relapsed on everything I've ever used to cope essentially. (Cutting, drinking, smoking weed, and fantasizing about my suicide, starving myself)
I've been hospitalized numerous times, I was in intensive and whatnot outpatient multiple times. Got kicked out for smoking weed with virtually the whole school (after they introduced it to me, but I digress)
So, I'm here because:
Well it honestly all started at being born premature and addicted to crack. I was adopted from birth by a manipulative, abusive woman. She has literally beaten the piss outta me on several occasions. Straight punched me in the face, extension cords, broken paddles on me, all the like. She's even held my hand over fire to "keep me from playing with it" but I purposely burned myself and objects on several occasions since.
She's come a long way from this, I must admit. The cps visits have worn her down to mere threats, gaslighting, cornering. More tolerable I guess.
Me and my siblings were always at odds, too. Always wanting to be moms favorite and all. (The only favorite and the only ones she's almost always nice to is my also premature, disable sister who is mere months behind me and suffers from cerebral palsy)
Everyone, with the exclusion of aforementioned disable sister, have called me something or the other and told me to kill myself. Hard to hear from the few people you thought were supposed to have you. Me and my little brother are decently tight now tho. We even smoke and buy weed together. He too agrees 70% of the reason is finding escapism from her. I like to think I'm one of the few reasons he hasn't run away.
I tried to find escapism on the internet at the ripe age of 6. Getting groomed, watching gore, and almost being kidnapped was the life for me in middle school and a bit of high school. You think I'd learn but my bad experiences drew me to search desperately for good in bad.
I'm currently being "trained" by two guys double my age. Another stupid decision of mine.
I've experienced several cases of ppl falsely accusing me of sexual assault after hearing my story, using me for whatever they can until clarity hits and dipping.
I have three irl friends. All constantly busy and I might be dropping one soon if I'm even around to do so.

Agh what else do I put? I guess,, I'm diagnosed with BPD (borderline) , ADHD, MDD with psychotic features, GAD, and CPTSD.

Uh,, I forget if I mentioned but I do cope positively sometimes?: art, music, writing.
I think that's plenty about me. Maybe even too much.

 

[FastForward]

37M in Germany. On paper I have a good life: education, job, house, family, financial security, health, blah blah blah. Except I hate being alive and pretty much always have. I don't want to be here. If I could somehow put myself on auto-pilot I would.

What's stopping me from doing it? Shame: for abandoning my family, and since it would be seen as giving up, as failing.

And perversely, I also never want to die. I'm so curious about the future of our world and the universe as a whole. A lot of times it's like I love Existence but hate to experience it as a living thing. Does that make sense?

Greetings to all. Feel to reach out if you want to chat.

 

[Strawberry Moon]

Hi.

I'm 31, female and consistently miserable. I don't remember the last time I felt happiness or enjoyment in anything.

At the beginning of this year I was told that I'm infertile due to a hormonal imbalance. The one thing a woman is put on this earth for and I'm unable to do it. I'm unemployed because I cannot do anything for long periods of time without my mental health sabotaging it and/or myself. I still live with my parents who have emotionally abused me my entire life. I'm in my room 90% of the time, mostly dissociated and staring at the ceiling. My life is so fucking pathetic.

I've struggled with my mental health since I was 7 years old. I first experienced suicidal thoughts and self harming behaviours at age 12. My first suicide attempt was at 15.

I've been diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar disorder, CPTSD, OCD and I'm pretty sure all of these are misdiagnosed autism/adhd. No one gives a fuck though, just supply me with more and more drugs that make me fat and numb to everything.

I haven't wanted to be here for a long time and one day I'll disappear but right now I don't have the motivation within me even though I'm already dead inside.

 

[SuicidalAngel]

Hi,
I'm 36, female, married. I have an incurable brain disease that is getting worse and leaves me in excruciating pain and a wheelchair user. I also have been diagnosed with autism, BPD/EUPD/EDD (Depending who you talk to), anxiety, depression. No matter how hard I try my best is never good enough. I always seem to anger or upset someone. Doctors have given up on me and just see me as a nuisance now. I sh though this has decreased recently but saying that I go through periods where I sh then I won't for a month or a few months then I'm back at it again. I nearly succeeded last time I went to ctb but my friend who had a key popped round unexpected and got me help.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I'm Paddy.

32, single man, from Scotland.

I'm an autistic man, in denial, but outwith that, somebody a lot of folks can relate to. I have depression that is never getting better. I just want to live a decent life. That's all I want.