I've been waiting to do an introduction because there isn't much to me.
I'm small, in every way, actually. Always have been. I feel like I have spent my life shrinking into myself.
I have been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Severe social anxiety, and depression. Anxiety and depression since I was 13. My first hospitalization was when I was 6 years old. My last was when I was 20. I am now 36. 7 years ago I found a decent psychiatrist who understood and determined Avoidant personality disorder. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, but I fear from the trauma of my upbringing, and the responses I have to people and the outside world, it is very likely, but that part I will not claim without a proper diagnosis.
I've been on a slew of medications and none have helped. My memory is a mess and I don't know if it's the meds, depression, trauma or all of it.
I have never felt like a worthy human being. I cannot take a compliment. I want to immediately argue if/when given one. I want to say I'm a monster even though I always try my hardest to be a decent person/humanist in any and every way I can, even though I've made mistakes along the way. None of that even touches the physical pain and disabilities I have.
What I'm doing is not living. It's hiding in a deteriorating box, where I live in the worst fear of anyone knocking on the door.
It got so much worse after Covid and my last relationship....
I've been doing a lot of lurking for a while now, and even though I feel alone all the time, I at least see there are people who understand the pain I face to some extent, even though I would wish it on no one.
I usually make jokes, laugh along with the few friends I have, but it became too hard to fake it, and they don't understand. They want me to put the mask back on, or at least not talk about how I actually, truly feel these days. I would never ask that of them or anyone else. It's exhausting and even more painful and feels like it puts me at even more of a distance from them. I feel as though I have to keep it to myself, or everyone will leave because I will just be bad for their mental health, no matter what they tell me.
I used to have distractions. Things to keep my mind off of my constant feelings of sadness and the feeling of being alone. For years I actually truly appreciated being alone. Now it hurts, but after everything I've been through... All the lies, being used, having my deepest vulnerabilities thrown in my face by people I truly loved, in hopes that I would literally kill myself, feeling like I will be hated before I even get a chance to get to know anyone. I just don't try.
My interests... Music, gaming, streaming, anime (new castlevania Thursday for those who wanna stick around long enough for it!)... None of it sparks interest or any kind of joy anymore. All I really want to do is sleep all the time and feel like I don't exist. I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep, and that I don't understand. I could sleep 14 hours in a day and still feel exhausted and that seems to be the biggest problem I have that doctors give zero fucks about.
I've already mentioned other reasons I feel the way I do in other threads, and the other struggles I face such as extreme poverty. lol, I literally feel like I can't even afford to survive and that is likely the biggest reason I feel like I'm very close to jumping off of a bridge... At least I know of a very lovely one nearby if I so choose.
*If "The View From Halfway Down" crossed your mind I like you*
