• Hello Guest,

    We will not be following or complying with the Online Safety Bill that was recently signed into law in the UK. This bill will not affect the operations of the site, nor do we have a presence in the UK to receive notice or fines that the UK Government may impose.

    We would highly recommend that all users from the UK get some sort of VPN, and you should petition your lawmakers to let them know how you feel about this piece of draconian legislation.
ChronicallyCynical

ChronicallyCynical

Natural pessimist, born quitter.
Sep 9, 2023
116
Hello. Turns out, I don't believe I've introduced myself yet.

I'm Chronically Cynical. I found this site through Tantacrul's video and I've gone between wanting to ctb and wanting to live for perhaps a decade now.

I'm glad to find this place; it's so good to be somewhere without the "you have every reason to live, no reason to die, so many people have had it harder than you, God loves you and life is beautiful" bull that's in other spaces, and I'm glad this site has both a recovery and a suicide discussion section. It's balanced, as all things should be, and I think people from the outside have the wrong impression of this site.
 
cashisCBT

cashisCBT

Begging 4 blades
Sep 17, 2023
3
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
I’m cash i love fight club, drawing, ace attorney, mortal kombat and garfield - im probably going to be alive for a while but im researching here on painless ways to cbt
 
FailureToAll

FailureToAll

Member
Sep 9, 2023
51
Hi!
I only just realised there was an intro thread!
I'm Cece, 24F from the UK.
I'm diagnosed with depression and social anxiety but sometimes feel like there's more too it but I'm too anxious to speak to a MH professional more.
I spend most of my free time playing games, watching TV or reading.
I also have an adorable grey cat!
I'm glad I found this place, it's bringing me a sense of comfort just being able to read through all the different threads and have somewhere to vent. I was so surprised by how many reactions and responses I got on my first post, it's nice to know there's people who will read and respond. So thank you to the people who created this :)
 
rabbitmalice56

rabbitmalice56

I ain't tryin' to live, pray I die
Sep 14, 2023
51
Hi, Im a 22 years old male from Indonesia. Ive never had hope for my own future ever since elementary school. Started having existensial crisis thought probably because of haruhi suzumiya. Been chronically online ever since just before middle school. Picked up english through just watching and browsing the internet.
Most of my time is spent on youtube, playing games, reading manga or just browsing the internet. All while listening to music.
Diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety. Never had a relationship cause never thought it was important but now im thinking its the only thing that maybe can give me hope and motivation, but i probably cant have a relationship anyway because of my personality.
Thanks for having me. And welcome to all the other newcomers.
 
zamzas

zamzas

Member
Sep 14, 2023
12
Hi I’m zamzas, im a pretty popular fan artist on multiple media, however I will never share my idea or art on this website as I want my identity to be completely anonymous as I want to talk about some subject that are outside of my “normal online personality“. I’m new here and yeah hum I’m 18 yo and I can’t wait to interact more on here. 🤍
 
B

blightoftheavenues

Member
Sep 18, 2023
5
hi y'all, my name is autumn, i'm a 27 y/o trans woman

a lil about me is that i'm diagnosed bipolar 1, and joined this forum for community during my last days (as i've been noticing a progressive worsening of my mental state for the last 6 or 7 years, despite every best effort i could possibly put forward into mental health care)
my ex was also a member of this community for a short while, but took his life on july 15th of this year, i just hope i can find the same comfort from y'all that he did during his last days

when not actively spiraling, i enjoy cooking and playing guitar, and that's just about it.

the only cool things ive ever done were:
played in a (shitty) post-hardcore band and spent many many months on tour
worked as sous chef of a fine dining destination restaurant on a private island in alaska

other than that, i'm painfully boring
 
Cage

Cage

Unwitting Baas
Sep 18, 2023
25
Hello everyone, I'm Cage. 19M from the UK.

I think I'm quite different from a lot of other users here because my reasons for suicide have nothing to do with a bad childhood, past traumas, mental illness or anything like that. I have great parents, was raised in a comfortable middle-class environment, and never really hard to work hard for much of anything in my life.

And that is exactly why I want to CBT.

I've come to realize that I am completely useless at living. Despite being given every opportunity to succeed - far more than I ever deserved - I'm still a complete failure even now that I've reached adulthood. I've always been behind in life, never being able to catch up with everyone else and always failing to thrive in any particular area of life. In many ways I still feel like a helpless child trapped in a 19-year-old adult's body; I'm at that much of a loss of how to move forward.

Being spoiled and sheltered by my family certainly hasn't helped, but it's definitely more than that. It's like there's this innate slowness and cluelessness to my character, like my brain just hasn't properly developed, and the spoiled upbringing I've been showered with has only compounded that.

I do have some goals I sometimes want to strive for, but I know deep down they'll never work out. I've tried resorting to volunteer work as a means to give my life purpose, but that alone isn't really enough to justify sticking around when the other 95% of me is just a complete leech to society.

That is what I am. A worthless, useless leech who's too slow and sheltered for his own good. There's no reason for me to be alive; it would be an objective net benefit to society if I died.

I'm not sure when I'll get the courage to CBT, but it's definitely how I want to die, and it probably won't be in the distant future. I can hardly imagine living to 30, let alone 80 years old.

That's about all I have to say. Cheers.
 
derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Member
Sep 19, 2023
6
Hi. New username but I was on /r/ss back when it existed. First had suicidal thoughts when I was 12 . . . made it into my 30s. Been close to ctb multiple times but pretty sure it won't happen now. My life has gotten better and I have a loved one to live for, but that doesn't mean I'm fixed or I think life is worth it generally. If I'm going to discuss life, depression, etc., I'd like it to be with like-minded people, even if I'm sure ctb is not in the cards for me now. I hope I have some wisdom to offer from dealing with this for so long. I won't tell anyone "don't do it!", but I've been told I am someone good to talk to for comfort.

Anyway, thanks for letting me hang around.
 
this_is_it

this_is_it

Member
Sep 19, 2023
16
hey I'm new here as of today and wanted to introduce myself. shouldn't say my name here but I'm 19, i live in a tiny depressing apartment, my parents abused and emotionally neglected me and also neglected to actually get me treated for anything that's wrong with me because they're anti-vaxxer anti-medicine conspiracy theorists. now in adulthood i have to sort out all my own shit, they're holding my life savings hostage (about $1000 i know they're gonna use as retirement money instead of giving back to me and theres nothing i can do about it). i thought things would get better as an adult but i just have different problems. not sure if i even want to recover anymore. oh and I'm trans in a red state so yay
 
kaidatenn

kaidatenn

Angyo Onshi
Sep 19, 2023
7
Kai. Always behind in things, cant even land a job. Took master degree and some certs just to justify cant getting a job and still cant get a job. Cool. Is 25.

Also a letdown and will disappoint or annoy you in various things. Dont know what to do, tried twice and failed. Have someone I loved but without them probably I already tried to jump again. Someties suicidal, when anxious will hurt self. Usually strangle myself. Cool.

Therapy sucks. Dont know the point, dont work. See ya.
 
star_cell

star_cell

I will see you again
Sep 17, 2023
4
Hi! I am new and just within a few days of being here, I can tell that I will really feel comfy on this site. I will be 24 this Saturday, never thought I'd get this far tbh. So many stories on this site resonate so deeply with me. To keep it simple, I am on this site because (yes, this is cliche) I truly feel like no one will ever understand me. I did have a bestfriend that I considered my soul mate. She's basically dead now. I'm on this site because for most of my life I've been unable to break the cycle of the compulsive need to live for others. I don't just mean that I live because my loved ones would be sad. I mean I've never allowed myself to try and maintain the status of being alone and learning about myself. And fully controlling my life. I always find someone that makes me feel good, and then I lose my whole personality to them. I let all of who I am and what i enjoy get dissolved so that my romantic partner is as satisfied as possible. It is hell. But I can't stop. I always go out too deep. And now I feel more trapped than ever. I hope one day I have the courage to end my miserable self.
 
dazed_dreamer

dazed_dreamer

at the end of everything, hold on to anything
Sep 21, 2023
8
Hi there! I'm Sunny, 21F living on the East Coast of the US. I am a college student studying biology (and maybe psychology too). When I'm feeling like myself, I love serving others, party games, the beach, hanging out with friends, the color green, and a nice crisp breeze.
I made this account because I've struggled with severe depression for about a decade now, and want a space to talk about my suicidal ideation, maybe even my past parasuicidal actions and self harm. I have friends and a therapist to whom I talk about the more surface-level stuff (milder depression symptoms, social anxiety, etc.), but I've been really wanting to get the more visceral, suicidal stuff off my chest without worrying my friends or even being forced to a psych ward.
I've been reading around here, and I already feel like I've found people who get it, and who actually talk about it. It's hard to see people who seem so lovely and well-spoken be suffering so deeply, in a way I can often empathize with, but I also think I could find truly meaningful community here, of a nature that I can't find the equivalent of irl.
I'll probably lurk between the suicide and recovery discussions. I think I'll use this site more to vent my frustrations and suicidal ideation, rather than actually try to ctb, at least for now. I'm generally an optimistic, hopeful person when I'm not depressive, so my replies may have more of that slant, though I'll be mindful to remain grounded in reality. I'll see you around!
 
Morgengrauen

Morgengrauen

Sunshine Ward
Sep 10, 2023
13
My name is M, 22m from germany. Not quite sure what to add here out of fear somebody i know might be hanging around here too and would recognise me. althought idk, it's not a huge secret anyway where i'm mentally at, but still. Bit embarrasing anyway lol. I'm also not going to go too deep into every diagnosis and woe's of my shit life, i simply have too many mental disorders which make finding any treatment almost impossible without getting rejected for being "too difficult", dropped after a while or being retraumatised throught malpractise.

A lot of things have changed since i joined first within the short time, delaying the final ctb date by months trying to rawdog my way throught the mess with no meds or help. But i guess i'll still stick around here simply for the opportunity to have a place where i can discuss things where at other places you would get banned for just utter "suicide" without censoring yourself or worrying too many of my online friends by constantly bringing my nearing end up yk.

Hopefully i'll manage to be more active and am looking forward to any great future interactions with everyone :)
 
star_cell

star_cell

I will see you again
Sep 17, 2023
4
Hi! I am new and just within a few days of being here, I can tell that I will really feel comfy on this site. I will be 24 this Saturday, never thought I'd get this far tbh. So many stories on this site resonate so deeply with me. To keep it simple, I am on this site because (yes, this is cliche) I truly feel like no one will ever understand me. I did have a bestfriend that I considered my soul mate. She's basically dead now. I'm on this site because for most of my life I've been unable to break the cycle of the compulsive need to live for others. I don't just mean that I live because my loved ones would be sad. I mean I've never allowed myself to try and maintain the status of being alone and learning about myself. And fully controlling my life. I always find someone that makes me feel good, and then I lose my whole personality to them. I let all of who I am and what i enjoy get dissolved so that my romantic partner is as satisfied as possible. It is hell. But I can't stop. I always go out too deep. And now I feel more trapped than ever. I hope one day I have the courage to end my miserable self.
Fantastic!! It's my birthday today and I woke up to my gf in a fit of painful alcohol sickness bullying me for anxiously staring. Everytime things seem fine and sweet I always forget that at any moment the only person in my life that is like a friend rn can and will be very mean. I will let ppl be mean to me always. Especially if they are really good at making you feel worse by confronting them with it. It's my birthday and only members of my family have sent me any wishes. I can't believe I let my relationship professionally assassinate my social life. Not one friend that I get to hear from or see today. All gone. God I am so lonely. Happy 24 ig. Here's to (maybe) another year of losing more and more of myself.
 
apearl

apearl

New Member
Sep 25, 2023
4
Hello! I'm a 18F american college student studying psychology. I genuinely just like learning about psych the most. I have struggled with SAD, GAD, and sh and have been on and off medicine since I was 11. As it is every year, I am getting to the worst part of my year as the days get colder and darker. I talk to one or less people a day and I have suffered with chronic loneliness since covid started. Hopefully as my SAD starts to kick in more I can finially ctb this year. Open to any friends on the forum esp other girls. :)
 
Serial Experi Pain

Serial Experi Pain

Member
Sep 12, 2023
38
I've been waiting to do an introduction because there isn't much to me.
I'm small, in every way, actually. Always have been. I feel like I have spent my life shrinking into myself.
I have been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Severe social anxiety, and depression. Anxiety and depression since I was 13. My first hospitalization was when I was 6 years old. My last was when I was 20. I am now 36. 7 years ago I found a decent psychiatrist who understood and determined Avoidant personality disorder. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, but I fear from the trauma of my upbringing, and the responses I have to people and the outside world, it is very likely, but that part I will not claim without a proper diagnosis.
I've been on a slew of medications and none have helped. My memory is a mess and I don't know if it's the meds, depression, trauma or all of it.
I have never felt like a worthy human being. I cannot take a compliment. I want to immediately argue if/when given one. I want to say I'm a monster even though I always try my hardest to be a decent person/humanist in any and every way I can, even though I've made mistakes along the way. None of that even touches the physical pain and disabilities I have.

What I'm doing is not living. It's hiding in a deteriorating box, where I live in the worst fear of anyone knocking on the door.
It got so much worse after Covid and my last relationship....
I've been doing a lot of lurking for a while now, and even though I feel alone all the time, I at least see there are people who understand the pain I face to some extent, even though I would wish it on no one.

I usually make jokes, laugh along with the few friends I have, but it became too hard to fake it, and they don't understand. They want me to put the mask back on, or at least not talk about how I actually, truly feel these days. I would never ask that of them or anyone else. It's exhausting and even more painful and feels like it puts me at even more of a distance from them. I feel as though I have to keep it to myself, or everyone will leave because I will just be bad for their mental health, no matter what they tell me.

I used to have distractions. Things to keep my mind off of my constant feelings of sadness and the feeling of being alone. For years I actually truly appreciated being alone. Now it hurts, but after everything I've been through... All the lies, being used, having my deepest vulnerabilities thrown in my face by people I truly loved, in hopes that I would literally kill myself, feeling like I will be hated before I even get a chance to get to know anyone. I just don't try.
My interests... Music, gaming, streaming, anime (new castlevania Thursday for those who wanna stick around long enough for it!)... None of it sparks interest or any kind of joy anymore. All I really want to do is sleep all the time and feel like I don't exist. I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep, and that I don't understand. I could sleep 14 hours in a day and still feel exhausted and that seems to be the biggest problem I have that doctors give zero fucks about.
I've already mentioned other reasons I feel the way I do in other threads, and the other struggles I face such as extreme poverty. lol, I literally feel like I can't even afford to survive and that is likely the biggest reason I feel like I'm very close to jumping off of a bridge... At least I know of a very lovely one nearby if I so choose.


*If "The View From Halfway Down" crossed your mind I like you*
 
D

deathcalm

New Member
Sep 24, 2023
2
Hello
I'm a chronicly suicidal trans woman
I enjoy videogames and self isolating
I have no method yet but am exploring options