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skeletontree

skeletontree

翼が欲しい...
Aug 6, 2023
17
Hello hello,

it's been a while since I've last introduced myself to other people, so let's see how it works out. 30 years old, nonbinary (they/them) and I used to be a musician/artist in the past. Music always used to be my main place to reatreat to, and I guess, it defnitely helped me every now and then to cope with some of the heavy stuff that I went through. I have chronic depression and PTSD, (mainly) because of extreme bullying/torture that took place during my school time. I grew up with the feeling and world view that I would die by my own hands at a young age. I attempted to ctb as early as my teenage years, and since then, I never stopped wanting to die.

Random fact: I used to study Japanology for several years and also went to Japan (Chiba) as an exchange student. I was supposed to stay there for a year, but I already knew, even before I went on this journey, that I wouldn't last so long. So with severe depression and dark thoughts in my luggage, I traveled to Japan and half a year after my arrival, I tried to ctb there. It didn't work, but at least it stayed undetected, which left me with two options: 1. try it again, and 2. travel back to my homecountry and try it at a different point in time. I came up with a story (for my Japanese university) and told them that I had to leave the country for family reasons (which was a lie). During my stay in Japan I came out (online) to my friends, first as trans, and a little bit later as nonbinary. When I got back to my homecountry I made the grave mistake of telling my mum. She was kinda okay with it, but she passed it on to my dad, a choleric. Things escalated at my parent's place, I always described it as a daily terror atmosphere, and it became so heavy, that I just left. So I ended up on the streets, just a month before the pandemic hit. I also used to be in a very toxic relationship with a guy who psychological abused me for several years. I always gave him new chances, but he never changed, so this also ended in a vicious circle.

Apart from music and art, I also loved to have deep conversations with people, skating, hiking alone in the nature, and learning new languages.

Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm pretty close to ctb again, which is also the reason why I stumbled upon this community. I think it's going to happen in the next days or weeks. I've tried other means in the past (therapy and stuff), but it never helped to reduce the pain, nor did it ever changed my mind about wanting to ctb. I wish I had such a community back in my earlier days, it would have saved me from some badly prepared attempts.

Feel free to ask me stuff :)
 
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trashprincess

trashprincess

She/Slur
Aug 8, 2023
186
trashprincess here! You can call me Princess, or anything you want because I am Trash!!!

I am a 30yo Transgender Woman, not too far into her transition. I like walks and animals and cartoons and music and helping people. My dream of dreams is someone to cuddle with.

I'm also not sure if I want to be alive... I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and ideation for almost half my life now. I don't want to end it, but more and more, I find life getting harder and harder to handle. When the meltdowns come, I would do anything to escape the stress that constantly surrounds me.

I also just don't like anything good for me. Happiness is the biggest trigger of all. I don't deserve it, and every time I experience it, it feels like God is commanding me to die. Like I can say no all I want, but it doesn't matter. If I felt that way long enough... I'd probably do it.

Everything I feel I want.. I know is bad for me. I'm obsessed with the idea that I exist for no other purpose than to be a sexual object, and every moment I am not, I am a bad person that deserves to be punished. And thusly the only thing I should ever put any effort into is becoming more desirable to others. I don't even know if I even like sex... I just want to know that I matter to other people.

I'm tired of isolating myself from everyone in my life, but I don't think I could ever handle really opening up to them. I'm not meant to connect with others, just to be used by them.

I know if I never talk about these feelings, eventually they will be the end of me. At this point it's an obsession that I don't deserve to live. But no one wants to listen to thoughts of suicide. They just want me to stay quiet so that way they don't have to think about it.

Or maybe I'm right, and it's over. But either way, I feel I could be in the right place.

Anyways *waves*
 
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F&Inside

F&Inside

🌊🌊🌊
Aug 9, 2023
158
Hello everyone.
I'm F&Inside (random nickname)
Male, 36 years old from Europe.
My hobbies currently are listening to music and reading.

Let's see...

The cards I had to play this game of life have been bad, I would have liked to have better cards. I don't want to continue with these conditions anymore.

A life with these characteristics is not worth living.
I'm tired of fighting.
I want to finally get on the bus and rest in peace.

I hope that in the meantime we can exchange impressions.
Thanks for reading me.
 
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_Alfarooq_

_Alfarooq_

Useless bastard almost making the decision to CTB.
Jul 24, 2023
291
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

*THIS IS A LONG ESSAY ABOUT THE STORY OF MY LIFE AND WHY I WANT TO CTB.*

*AND ALSO I WILL TRY TO NOT REUSE COMMON PHRASES MADE BY DEPRESSED PEOPLE LIKE THESE BECAUSE IM SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT ALL: "I am useless" "Everyone hates me" "Everyone treats me like trash" "Everyone would be better off with out me" "Life is not worth living"*

*And without further ado, read on.*

I have finally decided to make the decision to CTB. I would much appreciate if anyone would give me an assisted suicide method in the UK. I have let people down a lot, including my parents, and I am guilty, I keep making embarrassing mistakes, I am too dumb for this world, everyone around me is succeeding in life except for me, I will not make it in this world at all. I will never succeed or be able to do what I always wished to do. So what's the point of living? Life is for those who are able to make use of themselves. Those who have a good future in their life. Those people deserve to live. I don't. I have no motivation and no chance of success. It's not like I deserve to live anyway. This 6 months lasting depression is all my fault.



I am honestly not sure what to do with my trash life anymore. I'd like to finish school, but the motivation is just not there. I think about CTB every day. School was honestly all I had until I lost the motivation to continue.

No motivation, no potential for success, and because of my uselessness, I always think of performing CTB but I'm not sure how i am even going to pull it off. I'm a total failure, and I don't think I'm going to make it in this cursed world at all, not that I even deserve to live anyway. Life is for successful people and for those who can make use of themselves, not bastards like me. And on top of that it's not my only problem. I seem to have a problem with everyone I know as well. Everyone I know, I have seen the cursed side of them at least once. Not a single soul was nice to me my entire life. Not even my "family"

And speaking of my "family", and also speaking of the fact that you should think about how they would feel if you were gone, they do things everyday that give me a new reason to CTB. (Everyday I wake up and go back to sleep with a new reason to CTB.) I have 2 sisters, and the WORST thing of all, is that one of them decided to say "Alfarooq, why don't you CTB earlier because I don't want you here at all". Wow. I felt offended alot. And what's more, the other disrespectful sibling said "Why do I have an older brother? I wish I had an older sister instead " and gave me an evil look. My "family" are the biggest offenders. I don't even know how the imbeciles found out I had the desire to CTB. So my entire "family" is a joke.

Human beings are cursed. They always offend me. No one helps you become happy in this cursed world, no one cares about your existence, and no one helps you succeed. I have been harassed and offended a lot by many bastards, had many fake friends betray me, and every bastard only cares about themselves. There is no one worth trusting in this planet. Everyone around me is succeeding, and I am tired of being left out. Who will care about your existence? If your not smart enough to to make something useful of yourself in this life, you will not get anywhere. I need to CTB asap.


And they say life is a "gift from God" well I have abused that gift, and I don't deserve it. I deserve to die.
 
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selain

selain

let's all love Yourself
Aug 2, 2023
3
Hey, name is Lain(my favorite character) ,20s male.
(Apologies for the upcoming grammatical errors as English is not my native language.)

Since I don't have any friends in rl, I'm on the Internet every day.
  • I like to roam the internet and visit various forums and posts, mostly "*chan" to supplement my social needs.
  • I like to write articles, sometimes I get "blabber", but that's okay because the only reader is me.
  • I don't like playing games very much, sometimes I play osu!, or solve puzzles on lichess, and occasionally play cytus II and sudoku when I can only use my mobile phone.
  • I don't have a job, I just have nothing to do every day, I live with my family, and I hardly have any consumption except electricity bills. I spent all my money on computer hardware and now I have a NAS with unraid system and almost 100TB of storage. Running a lot of self-hosted services. So I can "forever" (while I'm alive) seeding all the .torrents I've ever downloaded, no longer dependent on commercial streaming platforms...
  • I am also a data hoarder, I hoard a lot of files, IT technology learning materials, mirror favorite blogs (using wegt/httrack/IDM), all photos taken in life, leaked files (When rf and bf have not been closed .), BDMV of anime, archives of various materials and projects (such as infographics, /x/'s library, learning materials for skills such as origami/recipes/Magic Trick, etc.), but I am also like most data hoarders , just kept downloading, not reading them, but I think "downloading" is the fun in itself.
  • Although I have some problems with my learning ability and memory ability, I still choose to learn programming because I think that if I am still alive in the future, then I must master a skill that can be used in employment to ensure my survival.
That's all my interests.

I live in a third world country, where "mental health" is still an area of lack of knowledge, and I am not good at venting, all negative emotions are backlogged in my heart. For me, if I want to survive, I must devote all my time and energy to these things that I may be interested in. Otherwise I'd be sad and anxious, and it's not a good feeling, and I can't bring myself to do anything.
But my situation is not so bad that I want to commit suicide urgently. I just have no motivation to live and no need to die. I just wait, wait for the arrangement of "fate", and then accept it.
I hope to gain some insight by browsing the posts so that when "that day" does come, make sure I know what I'm going to do. And to have a place to communicate with someone who can truly understand pain.
 
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wurr

wurr

If you want, you can talk to me about anything
Jul 17, 2023
42
I've came here quite some time ago, but still haven't introduced myself.

Hey I'm wurr!

I like to draw, listen to music, sleep and sometimes watching cartoons and anime. I'm not rely into reading and gaming though. I spend most of my days by drawing, listening to music, sleeping and taking walks. Oh, and I work a part time job sometimes too. I also like night more than morning. Very sad that it is traditional to sleep during the night and be active during the day. I hope to get friends one day
 
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pidgey

pidgey

Member
Aug 9, 2023
34
Hello. I am 28f living in US. I have been wanting to ctb on and off since i was in my teens and I've recently been feeling stuck in life. My family is supportive but not empathetic.
 
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inanna

inanna

nervous Dom
Aug 12, 2023
6
Hey all I'm 33F and it feels like I've wasted at least the past five years. I've struggled with CPTSD and developmental delays akin to mild autism. Basically from a young child I learned to keep to myself, nose always stuck in a book. I didn't understand social situations, it just did not come naturally and later in life I have attributed this more to emotional neglect than an autism spectrum disorder (and I haven't been diagnosed professionally).

My mother had not much more than a cold shoulder, a slap, or a scream, when I did see her. My father forgot he had me and was never around. I was another accident born into the tragedy of poverty to resentful parents. Living in survival mode as an immigrant helping to raise your unplanned baby brother several yrs ur jr is not a fun experience.

My mother was so eager to get rid of me that at 13 she was already trying to pawn me off to older men. I was violated by PDF files and she knew full well and did not care. "Dating older guys is normal in our culture". My rage turned against her in my later years but as a kid... I just didn't understand the complexity of what was happening.

I'm thankful for my cousin who came to live nearby when I was a preteen and I got to be social by proxy. That was my first taste of someone manipulating me to be more well liked. She would spread rumours about me and magnify my awkwardness so that she was cool by comparison, I guess. I cried to my aunt that nobody liked me.

From pretty much that time my social life really hasn't gotten much better lmao. I was mostly a survivor of several narcissists. Tumultuous relationships with very mentally ill and misogynistic men who didn't value me. Friends who betrayed me.

my first and pretty much only pure love moved away when we were young. Our relationship never recovered. When we met again in a somewhat gated way I cheated on him with his neighbor and months later he OD'd and I was crying at his funeral. That's when my life seemed to downward spiral the hardest. I was 26 or so..

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life since I had all this trauma to deal with before I could even begin my normal functional life. I wasted two semesters at college and gave up since I couldn't decide on a major. I'm sparing so much detail so I don't turn this into a full autobiography by accident.

I did get dial up internet when I was a teen so I was there for the early internet. Last gen of kids who climbed trees as kids or whatever. I was on /b/ when it was good (jk)

I was searching for a self that seemed lost to me. Like I left her behind somewhere in my past. Or fragments of self, you could say. And I got heavy into self help, stoicism, astrology, etc. It was just one more of the many subjects I've explored. I'm a jack of all trades master of none. I get bored very easily. I feel as though I've been over life, many times.

I've had many years stolen from me due to depression, CPTSD, poverty, bad luck ? I trigger people and they hate me for existing ?

I've had many meetings with seriously considering CTB. I've fallen into nihilism before.. (if you consider the definition to make a value judgement that because life is meaningless, it is therefore bad or at least of no benefit.) In the past few years I've considered that if many things don't improve, I'm not sure how I'll make it to 40.

then again I didn't think anyone could live through the amount of suffering I've felt throughout my life and yet, here I am. Life is beautiful either way. Death isn't an end to me, but a transition. Sure it's scary to think what's on the other side but... Really committing to living is also terrifying and crippling. At least as far as we know there is an end to suffering because there is an end to thought and sensation.

I've debated endlessly, usually with myself, about the merit of life and wether it has value. I think it's what you make it... Life is..
it's extremely unfair..
it's unpredictable...
it's too darn short even when I live all ur yrs...
it's baseline suffering and we're in the flesh prisons like the universe is a giant troll and the archons are up somewhere sucking our soul energy. I told my friend I incarnated on nightmare mode.

Don't even get me started on reincarnation it's my biggest fear. Like how do you know we don't remember anything before we're born.

also feel like people should not procreate

no more kids. That's just me I am not against literal children that exist in the world but I feel it's slightlyyyy unethical to make more. Pls I love all children and puppies and sunshine I'm js.

TL;DR I wish aliens would take me, already, because I'm so done.
 
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sp4rk

sp4rk

i am gamer >:3
Aug 9, 2023
30
Hello!
I am Sp4rk, I am F19.
I have not accomplished anything in my life but I do like to play games and draw in my past time :)
I do reminisce an unhealthy amount of times, thinking about how free I felt then and better. I am just trying to find a source for SN or N so that I can leave. To be honest I am quite content with leaving as I have nothing and have no interest in the present and know that my cat will be looked after well when I leave.
 
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Mndcntrl

Mndcntrl

Member
Aug 15, 2023
39
Okay. I have seen enough from this forum too decide too stay soooo:
Hi. Im a 26y male from germany. I would say thats why I speak bad english, but many people here show that germans can talk good english too, so im just trash sry 🤷🏻‍♂️ A drugaddictet, gaming piece of shit whit borderline. Nothing to show of, besides a good school certificate. My great wish was to be a Educator in a kind of "Long time bootcamp" (Cant find the right english word. Maybe a german can translate what I mean whit "Pflegeeinrichtungen für schwer erziehbare Kinder") but whit my psychological conditions I can forget it... Many trys to cbt, but no one works... Last one was a few years ago, since them im "scared" of the next try... I dont want to be in therapy again... I hate myself, the world, the people, the rules and nearby everything else. Except cats. Cats are the one and only beautiful living "things" in the world and makes life a little bit less painfull.
 
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Neoatlech

Neoatlech

Prince of Disorder
Aug 15, 2023
17
Hello, 19/M here.

I used to self harm a couple of years ago (I didn't do it for a long time), and a few months ago I tried to CTB and failed miserably. I was planning on enlisting and I was on a happy path in life until a year ago when I couldn't enlist because of my sudden health issues. Months of both physical and mental training -- completely gone in a moment. Any effort I put into anything ever since then has been half-hearted, my issues bottling up until I inevitably tried to CTB due to being a complete failure. I still try to keep a positive outlook on life but everything feels empty.

As to myself, you could probably guess I'm into anything military -- be it engineering, strategy, anything related to the field.
I'm also pretty good at cooking, I listen to a lot of rock and '80s pop, I'm a giant nerd about sci-fi books, I collect coins. I used to contribute some of my dogshit pixel-art to a small game project. Generally if you think of something - I probably have a little experience in it. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none.

If anything you've read above seemed interesting, I ask you to reach out. Private message me and let's be friends. I have never opened up about any of this to anyone before. I've tried to, but my irony poisoned friends don't give a singular fuck about it. No one truly cares -- and if they did they would have no way of helping me anyway. It would just lead to them constantly being awkward around me since I'm so obviously fucked up in the head. That's why I need you to talk to me. I need someone who I can open up and be genuine with and if you also need that someone, feel free to just message me anytime.
 
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imonadeadline

imonadeadline

Call me Line! :P
Aug 15, 2023
82
Hey everyone, I go by Line. I'm currently 20 years old and I'm okay with sharing that piece of information because of my planned exit in a few years. My favorite color is green and I like listening to music. My favorite artists are as follows; TWICE, Laufey, Beabadoobee, Mitski, and Niki. I joined this group because I saw it being discussed on that Youtube video. I hope that I can become friends or acquaintances with some of you before we all go.
 
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PeaceWanted

PeaceWanted

Unironically biggest r*tard to ever exist
Mar 12, 2023
26
I'm Peace, I've been here for months already and everyone in chat knows me and I'm poster of the month and upcoming top poster of all time. Enough said
 
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vanadium23

vanadium23

Member
Aug 15, 2023
50
Hi. I'm 19F and have Asperger's syndrome and severe chronic fatigue. For the last 5 years my health has gradually declined to the point where I suffer from exhaustion and severely impaired memory. As a result I am unable to work or study.
I plan to commit suicide within a few years if my health does not improve (prognosis for chronic fatigue is very poor but there are still treatment options). My life story's a bit unusual but not super remarkable so I doubt I'll share it for now. I came here to be able to talk about suicide without facing stigma.
 
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Aloneisbestforme

Aloneisbestforme

Terminally online
Aug 17, 2023
94
Hello Guys, I am 18/male

I've been lurking on this forum for awhile now and I feel safe enough to start posting which I am looking forward to. since I think it would be a major help for me and make life at least bearable.

Also my life involves around the internet but I didn't want it to be that way but sadly it is since my parents didn't send me to school throughout my 18 years of living and pretty much kept me in their house making me do nothing besides sitting in my room all day browsing the internet which now I am lacking behind in terms of social skills and intelligence and because of this it hurts me so much and makes me see no hope in the future.

also another thing I wanna say is that there is things I have done that have also put me here too so lots of it is my fault but at this point idk anymore.
before I end it off here. hopefully I can befriend some of ya'll before my end of the road comes and maybe help someone along the way so at least my life is not all for nothing
 
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Nakiya

Nakiya

Please be patient, I can't understand easily
Aug 17, 2023
22
Hi Everyone. I'm an artist and an aspiring game developer. I would share my drawings but I don't want it to be tracked to my social media. I love cute things and I love taking care of animals. I came to this site because I had no where to go. I tried talking about my feelings with my friends but they left me after 2 years because my situation isn't changing. Currently, my parents are divorced and my house is sold. I don't have any relatives and the closest one who I had passed away a while ago. I'm unable to find housing in my own country and I have to live across the border to have access to cheaper rent. I'm always in fear that I'll be banned from entering the neighbouring country because I'm exiting and entering so frequently. Currently, I'm jobless. I was hoping to find a community of people that I can be honest and be around with. I hope you accept me.
 
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ssidal_butterfly

ssidal_butterfly

Member
Aug 17, 2023
6
Hi there everyone. I'm new here. I'm kind of nervous to be honest. I've been having a pretty rough time with a lot of shit and I don't think I'm all that good. I've been thinking about suicide a lot for a long while and I've tried to off myself before but I haven't succeeded. Idk I just came here to talk with people who understand me, who won't judge me.

I'm a girl and I really like reading and I like watching shows and idrk what else I enjoy. But yeah hi
 
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H

handel420

Member
Aug 16, 2023
5
41, Male, UK.
Essex if you're from these parts.

Complicated Situation, isn't everything though?

Happy to chat, lend an ear.

Nothing profound here to be fair, just another shell. Function and form!
 
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D

DaysOfTomorrow

Member
Aug 16, 2023
42
31M from...east.
Feels kinda awkward talking openly about...the stuff, you know, but I'm getting better at it.
Anyway, good to be here.
 
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TheMetalHead

TheMetalHead

Experienced
Aug 18, 2023
206
Hello, I'm a 22M from Poland, I'm into music in general, mainly metal tho. I like reading mangas and I love everything about history, especially Japanese :). Been depressed and suicidal ever since I was 14 years old, first time I tried to CTB when I was 17; no particular reason I just believed that the world would be a better place without me. At the age 14 the world changed for me drastically going from spending all day outside with mates to being a shut in kid who barely had any contact with friends. I first started self harming at the age of 16 but avoiding arms or any visible places, focusing on my thighs mainly - thus the reason why they hold dozens of scars to this day. I tried to OD 3 times on various medicines, the first time I tried to I began to vomit blood for days man, it was tragic. Not too long ago, around 1 year ago I met a girl whom I shared the best moments of my life with, she was 4 years older than me, very smart, pretty and understanding... not really. I was always open about my depression and being suicidal with whoever I was close with, 99% of those people being my online friends. Well everything was going well with her until she started to get mad about me being depressed or whatever, I took a fuckton of benzos and fell asleep, when I woke up I was in a different dimension, drove to a near lake, took my knife out and started to stab the shit out of my body, mainly my arm and neck but survived 'cause some lady called police on me. Long story short my soon to be gf didn't want anything to do with me, severed any contact, blocked me everywhere. I spent the worst weeks of my life sitting in psycho ward. I've been looking for a way to CTB all this time and finally found this site. Hopefully I may find peace soon.
 
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T

TheNihilisticViking

Atheist, Nihilist & Pro-Mortalist
May 14, 2023
80
Hey everyone!

Male from UK in his late 20s. I suffer from mental health problems (depression, anxiety, OCD, alongside panic attacks, social anxiety and suicidal ideation) and also bowel problems (Irritable Bowel Syndrome apparently caused by my mental health and a possible overuse of antibiotics back in 2013/2014). My life completely turned upside down during my mid to late teenage years (15/16 onwards) after I experienced a lot of bullying and outcasting at school. I also experienced some bullying from a teacher in sixth form college and that had a significant impact on me, which resulted in me getting a lower grade than expected in my course and finally resulted in me having to go to another college to do the course again, which wasted some years of my life. All these experiences of bullying and outcasting must be the bulk causes of my mental health problems.


When it comes to my Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I think I may be able to trace it back as early as during my GCSEs at school (quite important exams for anyone who isn't from UK) I started waking up early in the morning vomiting up stomach acid and bile almost every morning for a few months, not getting much sleep and ever since then whenever I'm severely anxious or stressed out I get diarrhoea or vomit, occasionally frequent urination and sometimes even constipation, too. The doctors prescribed me PPIs (Proton Pump Inhibitors) to reduce my stomach acid and that helped a bit, but I think that may have had overall adverse effects and added onto my IBS. When I was 18/19 I stumped my toe on a door and got an ingrown toenail, which resulted in me having to take antibiotics waaay more than I should have done because the antibiotics didn't seem to do anything about the toenail and they eventually had to surgically remove part of the toenail. I've been to the doctors numerous times about it (my IBS) and they tested me for coeliac disease, kidney problems, liver problems and other things, but couldn't find anything wrong, so they assume it's just the IBS and since then I've done some research of my own and apparently found that antibiotic overuse can cause or make IBS much worse in the long run.


I haven't had a proper job -yet-, but I do have most of my GCSEs and also an Extended Diploma in IT Support and Networking and I went to university for a few weeks, but dropped out and I'm ashamed about the fact I haven't had a proper job -yet-. I feel like a total failure at life and I would rather be erased from existence. Whenever I tell this to family members or friends, they don't seem to understand me or don't take me seriously. They act as though killing myself is some easy and simplistic thing to do, when in reality it isn't at all. Also, my family life wasn't the best, regarding my mother specifically, but I rather not go too much in detail about it all. Finally, my ex fiancee who I moved country for (to Sweden) cheated on me 😶 and yeah, that really shook my world up even more. Hopefully some other people can relate to me and know they're not alone. I want to die, but don't want to experience unnecessary pain in the process.

When it comes to stuff I like... I like music (Drum&Bass, Trance and Metal/Rock mostly, but occasionally some Rap), video games, YouTube, technology, science, philosophy, languages and some TV series (Breaking Bad, Prison Break, Vikings, Walking Dead and a few others). Also, if this is relevant and interesting to anyone, I can understand some Swedish and Norwegian and I can read the Cyrillic Alphabet.
 
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nabinabi5

nabinabi5

Invincible
Aug 15, 2023
12
Hey all

My name is Park and I'm 21M from the US East Coast. I grew up with a very rough childhood filled with relentless abuse. Due to manipulative/abusive parents I never had anywhere to go and I've wanted to CTB on and off throughout my life. As of recent the feeling is much more strong and overbearing. I've been a hermit for almost 3 years and as a result have no friends either online or irl. In fact, I can't say I ever had any "real" friends who weren't just hollow social connections I needed to enjoy HS and not be ostracised as a loner.

I hope by joining this forum I can help myself get away from wanting to CTB and maybe make friends to help me achieve that goal. While the idea of being able to one day close my eyes and just let all the horror I've experienced melt away into nothing is comforting I love so much about the world and I don't want to go. I believe one day I can get better and I think finally having a place to talk about my experiences will help me along.

As for me as a person I love to learn, exercise, and generally self-improve, it's a bit of an obsession actually. I make art, study languages(French rn maybe B1?), study biochem for uni, and a lot more. I used to know Japanese growing up since I had a lot of friends overseas but I haven't used it in years. I'm also a hobby geologist and mycologist since I love to be outside up in the mountains.
 
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ToniFoxGirl!!

ToniFoxGirl!!

Maybe a race to nowhere, still hope that I win
Aug 20, 2023
68
Hi, my name is Toni (no it's not)

I'm a 24 year old trans girl from the states. I'm here because I want to CTB but there's some reason I haven't done it yet. I do a lot to try and improve my life, and I never feel better, it never gets better, every weekend comes and I wish there wasn't another one.

I play guitar and workout, those are my primary hobbies, I'm in a band with another girl and we make music I like. Band practice is the only thing I have to look forward to.

Idk what I'm hoping to accomplish by being here but I'm here because it feels impossible to talk about feeling like this without people patronizing me or belittling my feelings, or worse, feeling like they'll call the cops. I understand that I have things "going for me" and that people care about me, and that I have a "bright future" but I've failed at all my major pursuits thus far and have landed squarely back at zero with nothing to show for it except some "cool" stories.

I feel like I've lost touch with some of my authentic self ever since I moved back to the city I'm from and moving back in with my family, so I'm hoping I can express my authentic self here. The girl I thought I was gonna marry dumped me for another girl in March and it's really put life into perspective lol
 
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S

ssidal_wanderer

New Member
Aug 20, 2023
1
Hi there.
My life has kind of been a mess for a really long time and I feel like an unfixable wreck. Idk I just don't know how to feel about anything anymore. I feel like maybe I want to get better but I don't know. And all these responsibilities are crushing down on me too and I really don't know what I'm doing with my life.
 
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ang3lz

ang3lz

Member
Aug 17, 2023
24
Hi, I'm ang3lz, I'm 23 and from New Zealand. I don't have much to say so I guess I'm more of a lurker, sorry about that. Tried to CTB four years ago but I'm still here yo

I'm a student, part-time barista, I like cats, dogs, anything fluffy really. Also playing my Nintendo DS and making music. I like language and geography study and am currently writing my undergrad thesis. I studied abroad when I was 17, but I currently study in my home country at an international school. I also like to read a lot, mostly MH-related fiction books and memoirs, slice-of-life style fiction, as well as geography and history-related non-fiction books and textbooks. Nice to meet you all
 
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B

BornByGhosts

wants to overcome Sports Illustrated
Mar 3, 2023
83
hi all i turned forty this past feb
i chose my username because my parents are gone, my wonderful dad after my 9th birthday and my awesome widowed mom when I was 28
i wanted to ctb back in 2017 and regret not doing so with every passing day, especially now as my emotional, spiritual, and physical health is deteriorating
my only family left is my sister and she's not doing so great either
anyway i have my method prepared but no set date

i miss my family dearly and every day wish i can go home. i know there's still good people left in this world but i never really feel connected enough to want to stay here
 
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sundown12

sundown12

drama queen
Oct 5, 2022
142
hi everyone, I'm 28F from Europe. i'm clairaudient and very much into spirituality. i can also channel beings - I'm not great at it, but I'm learning. people around me think i'm schizophrenic, and control and abuse me. i love music more than anything. i bought myself a midi keyboard recently, but haven't gotten to actually learning music. i used to be an artist, and lately I've been trying to get back into making art. tried to ctb once, but wasn't properly informed about correct methods, so I ended up in a psych ward for a short time. everyone around me is a psychotic control freak, and I'm just trying to survive one day at a time. thank you for reading this and wishing you a good day☁️
 
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sorrytosay

sorrytosay

i hate myself xd
Mar 28, 2023
13
i'm lexie, lexie rose
 
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ChantDuCygne

ChantDuCygne

Member
Aug 23, 2023
31
Hello. I don't know how specific I should be. My father committed ctb when I was ten years old, so my feeling of safety was shattered rather early on (when I compare myself to the other kids who were in my class back then). I apologize ahead of time if this ends up being confusing. I'm very bad at explaining things. I have two younger siblings. Knowing this is important to understand what comes next. Following my father's passing, my mother sent me to a boarding school under the pretext that I was not a healthy influence on my siblings. While I was away, my mother met a man who she liked. I don't want to say too much so I will try to keep things short. She brought the man home and he gradually started taking over the family. This man would later redefine my definition of freedom, as he denied all of me and enforced his own feelings, opinions and ideals on me. I've been his puppet for years. I gave up on myself. I feel like a stranger, no matter where I go. I don't understand people and people don't understand me. As for my family… I can't say I don't care about them, because I would already be dead if that were the case. We just don't get along very well. I hope this much is okay. I tried my best to keep it simple.
 
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ClaudeCTTE

ClaudeCTTE

Misunderstood...
Aug 22, 2023
264
Hello, I'm 20 years old and I'm from Latin America.
I'm a guy who was diagnosed with ADHD, depression and "complex misanthropy".
I'm not usually a very social person and I'm not interested in making friends irl (sometimes I've thought if I'm schizoid).
I come from a tough family, a family that doesn't understand my thoughts: a father who denies that I have a mental disorder, a brother with autism and another one obsessed with money.
In high school I was very lonely and was always called a weirdo for no apparent reason.
I dropped out college due to my depression and I'm currently a NEET.
In my free time I listen to the same music over and over again and I read random articles on Wikipedia.
I rarely play video games.
About ctb, maybe it will happen in a very long time...
 
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