Hello hello,
it's been a while since I've last introduced myself to other people, so let's see how it works out. 30 years old, nonbinary (they/them) and I used to be a musician/artist in the past. Music always used to be my main place to reatreat to, and I guess, it defnitely helped me every now and then to cope with some of the heavy stuff that I went through. I have chronic depression and PTSD, (mainly) because of extreme bullying/torture that took place during my school time. I grew up with the feeling and world view that I would die by my own hands at a young age. I attempted to ctb as early as my teenage years, and since then, I never stopped wanting to die.
Random fact: I used to study Japanology for several years and also went to Japan (Chiba) as an exchange student. I was supposed to stay there for a year, but I already knew, even before I went on this journey, that I wouldn't last so long. So with severe depression and dark thoughts in my luggage, I traveled to Japan and half a year after my arrival, I tried to ctb there. It didn't work, but at least it stayed undetected, which left me with two options: 1. try it again, and 2. travel back to my homecountry and try it at a different point in time. I came up with a story (for my Japanese university) and told them that I had to leave the country for family reasons (which was a lie). During my stay in Japan I came out (online) to my friends, first as trans, and a little bit later as nonbinary. When I got back to my homecountry I made the grave mistake of telling my mum. She was kinda okay with it, but she passed it on to my dad, a choleric. Things escalated at my parent's place, I always described it as a daily terror atmosphere, and it became so heavy, that I just left. So I ended up on the streets, just a month before the pandemic hit. I also used to be in a very toxic relationship with a guy who psychological abused me for several years. I always gave him new chances, but he never changed, so this also ended in a vicious circle.
Apart from music and art, I also loved to have deep conversations with people, skating, hiking alone in the nature, and learning new languages.
Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm pretty close to ctb again, which is also the reason why I stumbled upon this community. I think it's going to happen in the next days or weeks. I've tried other means in the past (therapy and stuff), but it never helped to reduce the pain, nor did it ever changed my mind about wanting to ctb. I wish I had such a community back in my earlier days, it would have saved me from some badly prepared attempts.
Feel free to ask me stuff :)
