Venting In your 30yos and over: If life were going to get good, it would have by now. Missed experiences. Too late for everything. [jumbled unfocused rant]

[ChildrensITV]

Not to put the young people here down, but you know it's over for you when you reach a certain old age. When your life has been shit for decades, then it's hard to overcome that. When you have long-ranging evidence that your life is a failure, it makes it hard to think there is any way to fix it. The thing is, let's say you're 35 or 45: if everything in your life were fixed by magic-wand tonight, you would be late for things like career. You would not be able to go back and experience innocent "first love" without the added pressure of earnings, bills, needing to have money, needing your own place and car, etc. You would still be old, with haggardish skin, losing your hair, less agile, slower performance, etc.

And remember: that's a "magic-want" scenario. In actual fact though, when you reach a certain age, you can't fix much. And your future is fucked cuz your past is fucked. Your future is fucked cuz you were not on a trajectory to success. You're starting from 0 but late, and with everything against you.

I was suicidal and depressed as fuck this week, worse than usual. I was crying every few hours. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If I had had an exitbag this week, I would have used it. Today, I feel still as shitty as I did, but a little less intense. I didn't cry today. But even so, I still feel like suicide is the best option for me. Does that make sense? Even if I come out of the deepest troughs of despair, and go back to my normal flatline depression, I still feel like I want to die. It's just that the intensity goes from intense pain to dull ache. No matter whether I feel it intensely or more dull, the fact remains that my life is too fucked to fix. I am too old to make life bearable. I will never be HAPPY on this earth but I can't even make it BEARABLE. I am stuck with a shitty life that I know can't be fixed. The constant thought in my head is: "It's bleak. How much more can you take? It's time to go." Over and over. From a split second after I wake up, that thought and feeling haunts me until I go to sleep.

When you're suicidal at say, 14, 18, 20, etc (as I was - from my early teen), there is an argument for, or a slim chance that you may not feel that way in a few years' time. But when you have been suicidal SINCE then and your life is still shit, then it suggests that you're alive only cuz you're stuck here. There is no fixing my life. I know that. I would accept a bandaid on my life to make it bearable until I am an elderly man but even that is asking too much. I am here to suffer. That much is clear. The only question is: when am I going to put a stop to it.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Preach. I feel you on this, living the exact situation.

 

[imcurious]

I am sorry life did not treat you well. I understand you, even though I'm relatively young-ish myself. I'm hoping in the next decade during my 20s that I finally find the peace I've been searching for my whole life. This is one of the reasons I haven't considered to CTB just yet. And if I do, I suspect it will be when I'm much older

 

[kindalone]

In my 30s myself and I just know it's over. Staying alive for my loved ones but even they are starting to lose respect for me. Eventually they won't really care what will happen to me. They're just afraid of the trauma they have to endure by losing me. But they don't actually care about me being happy or well. But being happy is impossible at this point. I've fucked it up and I will continue to fuck it up.

 

[Dot]

Am nt convncd tht = alwys dfined b/ ag tbf -- thre r ppl wh/ r alcohlcs untl thy r in l8 30s-erly 40s & stll recovr & hve famlies

Am nt ignorng th/ thngs tht wll b diffrnt in lfe-cours frm othr ppl bt hve nevr bn a fan of blck & whte dfeatist thnkng

Agree tht thre wld stll b mny thngs 2 grieve & cme 2 trms wth whn ppl xpernce lfe lke tht tho & also undrstnd tht doin tht = nt fr evry1

 

[Darkover]

my sex life was over at 18 and my career was over at 30 i've just been wasting away for 7 years with a brain injury almost 37 in a few days
wishing i was dead already everyday i am just trapped here my life is fucked there is no god he wouldent let me feel so repressed and fragmented

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hi.
I feel the same way.
I'm 30.
I have no prospects in life.
No family, no career, no health.
I will never be happy.

I don't have any other way but the CTB.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I am sorry life did not treat you well. I understand you, even though I'm relatively young-ish myself. I'm hoping in the next decade during my 20s that I finally find the peace I've been searching for my whole life. This is one of the reasons I haven't considered to CTB just yet. And if I do, I suspect it will be when I'm much older

If there is anything you can do to avoid being in this situation, do it. Trust me, it's hard living decades in pain.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I always get told the bullshit, that things will get better, well here the fuck I am, in my 42nd year and nothing has changed
Oh I am the one that needs to make the changes.... ? Maybe I have, but seeing as no one will acknowledge it and still treat me like shit, then what's the point in changing or forcing change, when nothing else does.
I am prob half way through my life, as I see adult hood and living as only starting at 21, ive done fuck all in this world, and don't care to survive by merely exisiting over the next 40, fuck this shit, its all bull crap
no matter what I do, I just end up int he same hell hole, making me wonder if this is just literally my destiny and my existence is futile

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yup.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that it's true that life just gets worse as time goes on, but anyway at least to me existence could never be worth it in the first place. Life is just unnecessary problems and suffering, so therefore never existing at all is the best scenario.
The human life expectancy certainly is too long, I find the thought of ageing to be something so horrible when after all, all that we are destined for to decay from old age. Simply just existing and being aware of this world makes the thought of non existence sound even more appealing, 22 years here for me is way more than enough. But anyway it's true that existing can be torture and there is no peace from suffering in this world.

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm in that same position, I don't know how to fix it or change because I'm too old and disabled.

 

[Bitterman1996]

Honestly while there's slim chance for it to "get better" i feel like most people know they won't immedietely recover and got their life back together. I dread being another year closer to 3 decades old, because then it's as you said. Opportunity closes, and as it does honestly suicide does feel like a proper end.

 

[Ligottian]

I will turn 63 next month. Some relatively minor health problems starting to creep in. Much of what I wanted to see and do now seems out of reach. Even a bit of travel seems fraught with trouble and anxiety. You "youngsters" should do what you might want while you still have a bit of youth left.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I was scared to become an adult and now I'm a lot closer to 30 than I was 13. I know as I get older I lose abilities in physical activity and that's my biggest turn off of waiting till my 50s to consider ctb because working out is one of the things that still help me a lot mentally. although I still have opportunities to get better/do better, I don't want to get old. seeing my family and friends go old is too much for me and I'd rather go first than last.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

It's way too late for me. I am approaching 40 eventually, and I already don't want to get old. I would have CTB'd in my 40s even if life was the way I wanted it. However, it never was and never will be. All the more reason to exit sooner.

 

[old_constant69]

Some times I sit and wish I could just go back in time, or I imagine how my life would have been if I made different choices. Seems like alot of the paths I took were the wrong ones...
So many regrets...

 

[Azora]

I completely disagree. It is never too late to get your life in order and many people are late bloomers. My dad become a doctor when he was 54. My sister got married when she was 44. It can be easy to get yourself down looking back at your past and feeling hopeless, especially when you compare yourself to other people and all the things they seem to have done, but that doesn't mean fixing your situation is not possible.

Jordan Peterson wrote an interesting book on this kind of "my life can't be helped" outlook, where people think they can't fix their life because of their accumulated buildup of problems which feels insurmountable. His solution is to apply the "clean your room" approach, where instead of trying to tackle all your problems (you can't) you break your problems down until something becomes realistic. Are you a loser? Try getting a better job. Dont' have the qualifications? Take classes. Don't have the time? Free up some. Don't know how? Start making a schedule. etc, etc. Once you break things down into micro goals you can attain more simply, the rest eventually becomes doable, and eventually your life gets to a place where you can be happy.

 

[ConstantPain]

Had a doctor appointment today which I only go to because I need my pain and sleep medications and I always hate going and think it's such a joke. I'm old enough now that they want me to get a bunch of tests done and harass me about it. The reality is I'm hoping for an illness that will kill me asap. Why the fuck should I have a mammogram or colonoscopy when if I have cancer I'd refuse treatment anyways? Why worry about my blood pressure when I'm hoping for a stroke? Why ask me if I want nicotine patches to help quit smoking? As it is I'm angry that the birth control I've been on along with high blood pressure and being a chain smoker hasn't given me a stroke already?! A doctor promised me about 15 years ago that would happen.
I wish I could give younger people more hope but I regret not ending it long ago. The only thing I look forward to is death and the only good part of living to this age is that I now know where I want to be buried.
Sorry for this long, venting message. I appreciate being able to get it out after having to act my ass off at the doctor's office.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I completely disagree. It is never too late to get your life in order and many people are late bloomers. My dad become a doctor when he was 54. My sister got married when she was 44. It can be easy to get yourself down looking back at your past and feeling hopeless, especially when you compare yourself to other people and all the things they seem to have done, but that doesn't mean fixing your situation is not possible.

Jordan Peterson wrote an interesting book on this kind of "my life can't be helped" outlook, where people think they can't fix their life because of their accumulated buildup of problems which feels insurmountable. His solution is to apply the "clean your room" approach, where instead of trying to tackle all your problems (you can't) you break your problems down until something becomes realistic. Are you a loser? Try getting a better job. Dont' have the qualifications? Take classes. Don't have the time? Free up some. Don't know how? Start making a schedule. etc, etc. Once you break things down into micro goals you can attain more simply, the rest eventually becomes doable, and eventually your life gets to a place where you can be happy.

Your dad had the IQ to become a doctor from birth. Some people will never become a doctor, no matter how hard they study.

Your sister got married at 44 cuz there is an epidemic of lonely men so she has a wide choice of options.

But I like that clean your room approach. That was helpful. Thanks.

 

[GasMonkey]

As an almost 40yo KHHV i can certainly say that it's over for me.

 

[nosoul]

44,just recently destroyed my ability to eat and sleep, been institutionalized too many times to count, most of them unnecessary, true despair right now as the sleeping meds not working, food that I forced down like 30% of my normal appetite for weeks, not digesting and with no sleep repairing my body. Have trouble concentrating, no emotions, my brain is fried. I hope there is forgiveness on the other side.

How long can I survive taking sleeping meds that seems to have stopped working tonight? Ctb is my only option to end the rapid decline I'm feeling.

Feels like fatal insomnia coupled with the inability for my body to regulate hunger. I'm truly doomed. Looking to catch the bus soon, only love and affection I've gotten past decade was from my dogs who I will soon abandoned to ctb.

Beyond saddened but tragedy is part of some of our lives, I will go out on my own terms, would prefer hell vs the mental hospital and to degrade and lose my mind for real.

I've seen the good side of life, but recently it's mostly been bad.

I need my SN to work or I face an even worse existence. I hope you and we all find peace and forgiveness.

 

[ChildrensITV]

44,just recently destroyed my ability to eat and sleep, been institutionalized too many times to count, most of them unnecessary, true despair right now as the sleeping meds not working, food that I forced down like 30% of my normal appetite for weeks, not digesting and with no sleep repairing my body. Have trouble concentrating, no emotions, my brain is fried. I hope there is forgiveness on the other side.

How long can I survive taking sleeping meds that seems to have stopped working tonight? Ctb is my only option to end the rapid decline I'm feeling.

Feels like fatal insomnia coupled with the inability for my body to regulate hunger. I'm truly doomed. Looking to catch the bus soon, only love and affection I've gotten past decade was from my dogs who I will soon abandoned to ctb.

Beyond saddened but tragedy is part of some of our lives, I will go out on my own terms, would prefer hell vs the mental hospital and to degrade and lose my mind for real.

I've seen the good side of life, but recently it's mostly been bad.

I need my SN to work or I face an even worse existence. I hope you and we all find peace and forgiveness.

I felt that.

 

[charlotte_]

Sorry that life had been so shit to you. Im a fairly young person, so I don't fully understand the struggle of being an "actual" adult, but I completely agree with your point. Life is not, and never will be sunshines and rainbows. The reason why people can still think "everything will get better" is due to the fact that social medias and pro lifers only sharing the positive aspects of life for luckier people, and not show how cruel reality is to some. The way i see it, life is a completely random mess. You're just playing a game match with it. Some have the skills and whatever it takes to overcome all or most of its stages, but some don't. The world preach the winners, yet barely anyone ever look at those who fall behind. It's genuinely a sad reality. I hope you achieve the peace you deserve.

 

[bigdog]

I had a mayor pushback when I was 28 and haven't recovered mentally after a year. Lost all my savings also. I completely agree that starting all over in your 30 is shit experience.

 

[nosoul]

I felt that.

Are you in a similar place? I'm so screwed

 

[Linda]

Not to put the young people here down, but you know it's over for you when you reach a certain old age. When your life has been shit for decades, then it's hard to overcome that. When you have long-ranging evidence that your life is a failure, it makes it hard to think there is any way to fix it. The thing is, let's say you're 35 or 45: if everything in your life were fixed by magic-wand tonight, you would be late for things like career. You would not be able to go back and experience innocent "first love" without the added pressure of earnings, bills, needing to have money, needing your own place and car, etc. You would still be old, with haggardish skin, losing your hair, less agile, slower performance, etc.

And remember: that's a "magic-want" scenario. In actual fact though, when you reach a certain age, you can't fix much. And your future is fucked cuz your past is fucked. Your future is fucked cuz you were not on a trajectory to success. You're starting from 0 but late, and with everything against you.

I was suicidal and depressed as fuck this week, worse than usual. I was crying every few hours. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If I had had an exitbag this week, I would have used it. Today, I feel still as shitty as I did, but a little less intense. I didn't cry today. But even so, I still feel like suicide is the best option for me. Does that make sense? Even if I come out of the deepest troughs of despair, and go back to my normal flatline depression, I still feel like I want to die. It's just that the intensity goes from intense pain to dull ache. No matter whether I feel it intensely or more dull, the fact remains that my life is too fucked to fix. I am too old to make life bearable. I will never be HAPPY on this earth but I can't even make it BEARABLE. I am stuck with a shitty life that I know can't be fixed. The constant thought in my head is: "It's bleak. How much more can you take? It's time to go." Over and over. From a split second after I wake up, that thought and feeling haunts me until I go to sleep.

When you're suicidal at say, 14, 18, 20, etc (as I was - from my early teen), there is an argument for, or a slim chance that you may not feel that way in a few years' time. But when you have been suicidal SINCE then and your life is still shit, then it suggests that you're alive only cuz you're stuck here. There is no fixing my life. I know that. I would accept a bandaid on my life to make it bearable until I am an elderly man but even that is asking too much. I am here to suffer. That much is clear. The only question is: when am I going to put a stop to it.

Life is unpredictable. My two best decades were my 20s and my 50s. (I'm 69 now, and declining health has been taking a toll for the last decade.)

 

[LittleJem]

I can't get out of bed to clean my room. I feel panicked and desperate and so fed up. Every day.

I am trying to pull myself together to order more medication to see if it helps.

I have really had enough. I have had enough also of hoping when actually things got worse and worse.

 

[EternalOblivion]

I'm 30, and have been struggling with suicidal urges since I was 12. I live in a very codependent household that uses me as a source of labor and emotional comfort. Any attempt at improving my life outside of my family's parameters is met with derision. There's simply nothing left for me in this world; the window to experience more has long since past. I feel that if my life is not truly mine to live, then it's only fitting that I end it.

 

[FairLight]

Not to put the young people here down, but you know it's over for you when you reach a certain old age. When your life has been shit for decades, then it's hard to overcome that. When you have long-ranging evidence that your life is a failure, it makes it hard to think there is any way to fix it. The thing is, let's say you're 35 or 45: if everything in your life were fixed by magic-wand tonight, you would be late for things like career. You would not be able to go back and experience innocent "first love" without the added pressure of earnings, bills, needing to have money, needing your own place and car, etc. You would still be old, with haggardish skin, losing your hair, less agile, slower performance, etc.

And remember: that's a "magic-want" scenario. In actual fact though, when you reach a certain age, you can't fix much. And your future is fucked cuz your past is fucked. Your future is fucked cuz you were not on a trajectory to success. You're starting from 0 but late, and with everything against you.

I was suicidal and depressed as fuck this week, worse than usual. I was crying every few hours. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If I had had an exitbag this week, I would have used it. Today, I feel still as shitty as I did, but a little less intense. I didn't cry today. But even so, I still feel like suicide is the best option for me. Does that make sense? Even if I come out of the deepest troughs of despair, and go back to my normal flatline depression, I still feel like I want to die. It's just that the intensity goes from intense pain to dull ache. No matter whether I feel it intensely or more dull, the fact remains that my life is too fucked to fix. I am too old to make life bearable. I will never be HAPPY on this earth but I can't even make it BEARABLE. I am stuck with a shitty life that I know can't be fixed. The constant thought in my head is: "It's bleak. How much more can you take? It's time to go." Over and over. From a split second after I wake up, that thought and feeling haunts me until I go to sleep.

When you're suicidal at say, 14, 18, 20, etc (as I was - from my early teen), there is an argument for, or a slim chance that you may not feel that way in a few years' time. But when you have been suicidal SINCE then and your life is still shit, then it suggests that you're alive only cuz you're stuck here. There is no fixing my life. I know that. I would accept a bandaid on my life to make it bearable until I am an elderly man but even that is asking too much. I am here to suffer. That much is clear. The only question is: when am I going to put a stop to it.

Not to put the young people here down, but you know it's over for you when you reach a certain old age. When your life has been shit for decades, then it's hard to overcome that. When you have long-ranging evidence that your life is a failure, it makes it hard to think there is any way to fix it. The thing is, let's say you're 35 or 45: if everything in your life were fixed by magic-wand tonight, you would be late for things like career. You would not be able to go back and experience innocent "first love" without the added pressure of earnings, bills, needing to have money, needing your own place and car, etc. You would still be old, with haggardish skin, losing your hair, less agile, slower performance, etc.

And remember: that's a "magic-want" scenario. In actual fact though, when you reach a certain age, you can't fix much. And your future is fucked cuz your past is fucked. Your future is fucked cuz you were not on a trajectory to success. You're starting from 0 but late, and with everything against you.

I was suicidal and depressed as fuck this week, worse than usual. I was crying every few hours. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If I had had an exitbag this week, I would have used it. Today, I feel still as shitty as I did, but a little less intense. I didn't cry today. But even so, I still feel like suicide is the best option for me. Does that make sense? Even if I come out of the deepest troughs of despair, and go back to my normal flatline depression, I still feel like I want to die. It's just that the intensity goes from intense pain to dull ache. No matter whether I feel it intensely or more dull, the fact remains that my life is too fucked to fix. I am too old to make life bearable. I will never be HAPPY on this earth but I can't even make it BEARABLE. I am stuck with a shitty life that I know can't be fixed. The constant thought in my head is: "It's bleak. How much more can you take? It's time to go." Over and over. From a split second after I wake up, that thought and feeling haunts me until I go to sleep.

When you're suicidal at say, 14, 18, 20, etc (as I was - from my early teen), there is an argument for, or a slim chance that you may not feel that way in a few years' time. But when you have been suicidal SINCE then and your life is still shit, then it suggests that you're alive only cuz you're stuck here. There is no fixing my life. I know that. I would accept a bandaid on my life to make it bearable until I am an elderly man but even that is asking too much. I am here to suffer. That much is clear. The only question is: when am I going to put a stop to it.

50+ yo here. Life started out hard as hell. Abusive alcoholic parent, crazy shit happening all the time. I made it through that, I was the only one who did. Two sisters and both parents were gone before I reached 25. A long story of overdoses and violence I will spare you. I thought for a while I made it through unscathed, but I never learned to be a proper human, especially relationships, social settings and self care. I have a decent job that I'm good at and enjoy, and that was enough for a while. Just went through my whole life with blunted emotions, observing others and trying to emulate normal. I still jump and shake when a car door slams. And I keep fucking up. Just when everything seems to going well and I dare to have hope. Something I forgot to do or some random mistake, the consequences seem insurmountable. God I don't mean too. I'm old and haggard but I still feel like I have something to offer, some love in my heart to give out to the world. If I could wave a magic wand and fix everything, I would be fine with that. Even if I couldn't go back and fix the past or make an impact on my trajectory. I want to live and grow and heal so badly. It's just not realistic to expect that to happen at this point. I've been through therapy more than once, taken this or that drug. Sometimes it helps temporarily, mostly it just helps me understand why I suck at living in human society. Anyway, there are some great things in my life. And I'm going to stick around for those great things for now. This is like a contingency plan. I mark a date on a calendar a year in advance and set a reminder. I call it my expiration date. Then I carry on. I've made it through two expiration dates so far. Now though, recent events, my latest fuck up I don't see how I can get through. I'm to old and tired to carry on with trying to dig myself out of holes. I've had some weird health issues lately. Not going to the doctor. Started with a sensation around my left rib cage, a pressure and numbness, there's a mass in there. A few other symptoms I will spare you but they are significant. It feels like nature realized it fucked up and it's correcting the mistake it made. Maybe a final blessing to spare the few good people in my life the trauma of me doing it myself.