MakeItEnd
Member
- Mar 14, 2023
- 61
Not to put the young people here down, but you know it's over for you when you reach a certain old age. When your life has been shit for decades, then it's hard to overcome that. When you have long-ranging evidence that your life is a failure, it makes it hard to think there is any way to fix it. The thing is, let's say you're 35 or 45: if everything in your life were fixed by magic-wand tonight, you would be late for things like career. You would not be able to go back and experience innocent "first love" without the added pressure of earnings, bills, needing to have money, needing your own place and car, etc. You would still be old, with haggardish skin, losing your hair, less agile, slower performance, etc.
And remember: that's a "magic-want" scenario. In actual fact though, when you reach a certain age, you can't fix much. And your future is fucked cuz your past is fucked. Your future is fucked cuz you were not on a trajectory to success. You're starting from 0 but late, and with everything against you.
I was suicidal and depressed as fuck this week, worse than usual. I was crying every few hours. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If I had had an exitbag this week, I would have used it. Today, I feel still as shitty as I did, but a little less intense. I didn't cry today. But even so, I still feel like suicide is the best option for me. Does that make sense? Even if I come out of the deepest troughs of despair, and go back to my normal flatline depression, I still feel like I want to die. It's just that the intensity goes from intense pain to dull ache. No matter whether I feel it intensely or more dull, the fact remains that my life is too fucked to fix. I am too old to make life bearable. I will never be HAPPY on this earth but I can't even make it BEARABLE. I am stuck with a shitty life that I know can't be fixed. The constant thought in my head is: "It's bleak. How much more can you take? It's time to go." Over and over. From a split second after I wake up, that thought and feeling haunts me until I go to sleep.
When you're suicidal at say, 14, 18, 20, etc (as I was - from my early teen), there is an argument for, or a slim chance that you may not feel that way in a few years' time. But when you have been suicidal SINCE then and your life is still shit, then it suggests that you're alive only cuz you're stuck here. There is no fixing my life. I know that. I would accept a bandaid on my life to make it bearable until I am an elderly man but even that is asking too much. I am here to suffer. That much is clear. The only question is: when am I going to put a stop to it.
And remember: that's a "magic-want" scenario. In actual fact though, when you reach a certain age, you can't fix much. And your future is fucked cuz your past is fucked. Your future is fucked cuz you were not on a trajectory to success. You're starting from 0 but late, and with everything against you.
I was suicidal and depressed as fuck this week, worse than usual. I was crying every few hours. I couldn't concentrate on anything. If I had had an exitbag this week, I would have used it. Today, I feel still as shitty as I did, but a little less intense. I didn't cry today. But even so, I still feel like suicide is the best option for me. Does that make sense? Even if I come out of the deepest troughs of despair, and go back to my normal flatline depression, I still feel like I want to die. It's just that the intensity goes from intense pain to dull ache. No matter whether I feel it intensely or more dull, the fact remains that my life is too fucked to fix. I am too old to make life bearable. I will never be HAPPY on this earth but I can't even make it BEARABLE. I am stuck with a shitty life that I know can't be fixed. The constant thought in my head is: "It's bleak. How much more can you take? It's time to go." Over and over. From a split second after I wake up, that thought and feeling haunts me until I go to sleep.
When you're suicidal at say, 14, 18, 20, etc (as I was - from my early teen), there is an argument for, or a slim chance that you may not feel that way in a few years' time. But when you have been suicidal SINCE then and your life is still shit, then it suggests that you're alive only cuz you're stuck here. There is no fixing my life. I know that. I would accept a bandaid on my life to make it bearable until I am an elderly man but even that is asking too much. I am here to suffer. That much is clear. The only question is: when am I going to put a stop to it.
