I’m such a waste. I’m so sorry

[burninghill]

I haven't stopped crying since I relapsed yesterday.

A waste is the only word I can use to describe myself right now. A waste of talent, a waste of money, a waste of my parents effort to make me the best person they possibly can.

There was a time where I had things going for me, an exciting future. Not anymore.

I will always be this way; depressed, suicidal, impulsive. Being dead is the only way I can possibly redeem myself. If I can't control myself around a few pills, what else might I struggle to cope with resisting? I've had intrusive thoughts since I was 12.

I'd ask if anyone wanted to talk to me, because frankly I'm disturbingly lonely, but I'm terrible at that too. I can't talk to someone without eventually abandoning them.

I don't deserve to be alive and if God wants me dead then that's what I will do.

 

[repthilium]

I'm sorry yov're feeling this way. I hope yov find peace and comfort.

 

[chillino]

Sorry but that s bullshit. God doesnt want you dead. You decide for your own.

 

[otomedissection]

I'm so sorry. Relapsing doesn't make you a waste or a failure. Trying to quit something is difficult as hell and the process isn't perfect. Being suicidal and depressed just makes things even harder but the fact that you're trying is worth being proud of. I hope you can find some comfort after all this because it's definitely a shitty feeling.

 

[burninghill]

Sorry but that s bullshit. God doesnt want you dead. You decide for your own.

Someone can want something for you and you can still decide whether to do it or not.

Since I was 13 I've believed that God has been putting these suicidal thoughts in my head. I think my death will contribute to some kind of greater purpose that only he's allowed to understand.

It doesn't matter to me if this thinking is logical or not or if anyone else believes it.

 

[Dissolving Figment]

I felt like a waste my whole life as well. I've been getting over it recently.

I was a very smart child. But that just led to intense expectations from my mother.
She had my whole life set out for me. Everything I needed to accomplish.
And it was going to be easy and I was going to shine so bright, because I was gifted.

Fuck her.
Fuck her for expecting all this shit from me. Fuck her for treating me like some kind of trophy child to show off.
I had severe ADHD and depression.
It made it impossible to accomplish anything. All these things that should have been so easy?
I just simply couldn't do them.

Above all, fuck her for telling me to try harder. That if I wanted to, I could.
I was trying my damned hardest. I never once let down my efforts to improve, to fix my issues, to get things done.
And she didn't fucking care to see any of it. Not an ounce of understanding or belief.
Just more of the same advice. Shit I'd heard repeated fifty times already.
Just more accusations of not trying. Of being lazy. Of not wanting it enough.
More guilt and shame for the crushing pile of self-hatred I already was bearing.
Making things even damn harder than they already were.

All this to say, maybe you're not a waste.
Maybe you're just battling one hell of a demon.

 

[Realgar]

I can relate. I feel like I am a waste too.

 

[SergantWallbridge]

Yo. Have you tried mindfulness? Vipassana style meditation, or any style of meditation frankly. I am a lifelong depressive, blah blah giga loser etc etc blah blah in objective terms but mentally speaking I am doing fine since I got on venlafaxine + meditation. I haven't achieved "enlighnment" of any kind but there is faint residual feeling that humans are uhhhh...lets say a very "surface level phenomena", and that it includes myself and therefore these agressive, strong fits of emotion are in a sense innapropriate. My mind is trying to systematically decieve me about the expansivness and coherency of the "self" construct and that decepion can be seen through (somewhat, with time, *various miscancelous qualifications*)

I mean, I am describing something fragile and still shaky but I am tenatively "sold" on the idea that a profound longlasting change of mind can be achieved through patient, skilled, regular practice. Below the one book I've read on the topic that's remarkably light in jargon. "The mind illuminated" too has a great reputation.