Im still not a child

[Naked Weapon]

It felt like you were implying that sorry.

Don't worry. If someone is implying that you have to become brain-damaged to be a child, then they absolutely are.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

It felt like you were implying that sorry.

I wasn't. I'm not one to consider kids to be stupid. Hence why it's not a hazard for me to become one again

 

[parallelluniverse]

There are some things I won't reply to but I'm going to because within what OP said there seems to be a genuine point...

Do you feel you have a strong instinct to get back inside the womb?

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

There are some things I won't reply to but I'm going to because within what OP said there seems to be a genuine point...

Do you feel you have a strong instinct to get back inside the womb?

What do you mean by that? Like literally or something figurative?

 

[parallelluniverse]

What do you mean by that? Like literally or something figurative?

like you have an instinct to be a child and return to the womb? do you think?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't have any solutions. I just want to say I'm sorry for how cruel life is to you to where you are even considering this in the first place. This just goes to show just how cruel adulthood is for a few people to where we would do anything to avoid it

 

[Deleted member 8119]

You will probably have the same problems, plus a new disability. It won't solve the need to work in some countries, and as someone pointed out, child labor is possible and even common, depending where you live in. I mean, you said being autistic was hell and no one is taking it seriously. Now, imagine multiplying that.

I get not being able to work. It's totally understandable. However, if you haveone who takes care of you abled, why changing that? And you care about her, too. Wouldn't it hurt her seeing you more disabled?

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

like you have an instinct to be a child and return to the womb? do you think?

I guess you could say that. I'd call it more of a desire than an instinct though.

You will probably have the same problems, plus a new disability. It won't solve the need to work in some countries, and as someone pointed out, child labor is possible and even common, depending where you live in. I mean, you said being autistic was hell and no one is taking it seriously. Now, imagine multiplying that.

I get not being able to work. It's totally understandable. However, if you haveone who takes care of you abled, why changing that? And you care about her, too. Wouldn't it hurt her seeing you more disabled?

She's autistic like I am. As I said, she doesn't mind taking care of me. Also I'm in the US so child labor is non-existent here.

 

[parallelluniverse]

I guess you could say that. I'd call it more of a desire than an instinct though.

She's autistic like I am. As I said, she doesn't mind taking care of me. Also I'm in the US so child labor is non-existent here.

yeah, the desire, to re-attach...

Freud said that was a thing...

 

[Deleted member 8119]

she doesn't mind taking care of me

Then, why getting disabled? And the US isn't particuarly friendly when it comes to disabled people, many of which struggle to survive. At worst, you will have more expenses, injury is unpredictable and you could get more than you expect... Not to fearmonger, but that's the reality of injury.

The children thing was just to show no one really cares about rights, in the US specially those who can't make money struggle a lot. I'm sorry, but it won't give you better treatment from people already hostile to you.

 

[R_N]

You might get more than you bargained for. It is easy to assume how things are going to be and downplay the consequences.

But it is up to you of course. Just be ready to live with whatever you end up with for the rest of your life.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Would it not be a bit more sensible to get yourself declared physically disabled?

I don't mean by injuring yourself, but maybe there is another way? You already have autism, so that's a start. Get some other official diagnoses. As others have said, I wouldn't mess around with brain injuries… it's a terrible idea to deliberately do such damage. You could end up trapped in a terrible state for decades.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

yeah, the desire, to re-attach...

Freud said that was a thing...

Idk who that is but if it is then please tell me how.

Then, why getting disabled? And the US isn't particuarly friendly when it comes to disabled people, many of which struggle to survive. At worst, you will have more expenses, injury is unpredictable and you could get more than you expect... Not to fearmonger, but that's the reality of injury.

The children thing was just to show no one really cares about rights, in the US specially those who can't make money struggle a lot. I'm sorry, but it won't give you better treatment from people already hostile to you.

Don't care. Once I become a kid again the concept of "expenses" won't exist.

You might get more than you bargained for. It is easy to assume how things are going to be and downplay the consequences.

But it is up to you of course. Just be ready to live with whatever you end up with for the rest of your life.

I'm ready.

Would it not be a bit more sensible to get yourself declared physically disabled?

I don't mean by injuring yourself, but maybe there is another way? You already have autism, so that's a start. Get some other official diagnoses. As others have said, I wouldn't mess around with brain injuries… it's a terrible idea to deliberately do such damage. You could end up trapped in a terrible state for decades.

Having a broken leg and being mentally a child seem to be very different things. I'm not in it for the check, I'm in it to not suffer.

 

[Mäximum]

You're right, I will block you.

This is just hilarious. Literally everyone, in multiple threads, says that it's not possible to be a kid again and instead of accepting it, you just block them. Sorry if it sounds rude, but get real and just accept it. Oh, I have a different opinion. I guess I am getting blocked as well.

Idk who that is but if it is then please tell me how.

Btw, the person, which parallelluniverse was mentioning, is probably Sigmund Freud. A austrian neurologist. Couldn't find anything that he kind of mentioned your desire tho. Maybe parallelluniverse has more info on that.

 

[parallelluniverse]

Idk who that is but if it is then please tell me how.

Don't care. Once I become a kid again the concept of "expenses" won't exist.

I'm ready.

Having a broken leg and being mentally a child seem to be very different things. I'm not in it for the check, I'm in it to not suffer.

how to what? x

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

This is just hilarious. Literally everyone, in multiple threads, says that it's not possible to be a kid again and instead of accepting it, you just block them. Sorry if it sounds rude, but get real and just accept it. Oh, I have a different opinion. I guess I am getting blocked as well.

Btw, the person, which parallelluniverse was mentioning, is probably Sigmund Freud. A austrian neurologist. Couldn't find anything that he kind of mentioned your desire tho. Maybe parallelluniverse has more info on that.

Because I'm looking for solutions and know it's possible. I'm not taking no for an answer. And you're correct, you are getting blocked

 

[willitpass]

I just gotta be careful is all and know my limits

There is no such thing as knowing you limits when it comes to depriving your brain of oxygen. There is no telling what parts of you brain will be damaged and to what degree. You could get away with just damaging your optic nerves and going blind but remaining cognitively intact or you could suffer massive tissue death to your brain stem and die from your body forgetting how to breath. There is no control.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

how to what? x

Go back to being a child of course

 

[wait.what]

You don't seem to like it when your biological parents have power over you and try to make you do things. That's important to consider, because if you're unmarried, they're your default next of kin. That means they will be called on to make decisions for you if you're unable to make them for yourself.

Your ability to legally give consent on your own behalf is also very central to the questions of whether you can get married, be sexual with someone else, or access gender-affirming healthcare. That's also important to consider.

You should also know that being disabled does not mean you're guaranteed to get government benefits. You need to have paid a certain amount into the system first, so if you have little work history, have made little money, or were paid under the table, you're likely to be turned down.

 

[divinemistress36]

You don't seem to like it when your biological parents have power over you and try to make you do things. That's important to consider, because if you're unmarried, they're your default next of kin. That means they will be called on to make decisions for you if you're unable to make them for yourself.

Your ability to legally give consent on your own behalf is also very central to the questions of whether you can get married, be sexual with someone else, or access gender-affirming healthcare. That's also important to consider.

You should also know that being disabled does not mean you're guaranteed to get government benefits. You need to have paid a certain amount into the system first, so if you have little work history, have made little money, or were paid under the table, you're likely to be turned down.

Yep and it can take 2-3 Years to benefits even if you do end up getting it

 

[_Broken_alice]

We have intentionally avoided commenting before, but will now. We really don't think what you want is possible with current tech. We too wish we could go back to childhood as we feel that it may let us heal mentally from the abuse from first time. One of our alters is kinda of permanently mentally stuck at ~8-15 or so depending on her mood, but she still carries all of the pain of our lifetime and all of our experiences up to this point. Childhood is a period of awe and newness. Everything is new and fascinating because it hasn't been experienced before. Knowledge being absorbed as fast as it can be processed. Emotional and other habits formed from observing others. One would have to be able to erase their memory without causing damage. Any method we ever came across that can cause memory loss, is either temporary, or causes permanent brain damage that essentially leaves one vegetative which is not at all a child-like state, just a horribly disabled one. We really wish there were currently a way to achieve what you desire, as deep down, we desire it to. Being able to at least mentally start over would potentially fix so many of our problems. Instead, that delicate alter of ours is stuck as the girl that never got to be. We want to not be aware of any of the problems of the world and be taken care of by a very loving and caring mommy. Even with these desires, we don't think we could go through with it if possible anyway. We already have spent our entire life being a burden and hate burdening anyone in any way whether it be mentally or financially. If we knew a way and knew it wouldn't be a burden, we wouldn't even hesitate.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

You don't seem to like it when your biological parents have power over you and try to make you do things. That's important to consider, because if you're unmarried, they're your default next of kin. That means they will be called on to make decisions for you if you're unable to make them for yourself.

Your ability to legally give consent on your own behalf is also very central to the questions of whether you can get married, be sexual with someone else, or access gender-affirming healthcare. That's also important to consider.

You should also know that being disabled does not mean you're guaranteed to get government benefits. You need to have paid a certain amount into the system first, so if you have little work history, have made little money, or were paid under the table, you're likely to be turned down.

I mean if my "accident" turning myself into a child is found then I can just involve my biological parents into the "accident" making them incapable of caring for me.

Yep and it can take 2-3 Years to benefits even if you do end up getting it

I'm aware benefits are hell to get but honestly it won't even be on my mind if I'm a child

We have intentionally avoided commenting before, but will now. We really don't think what you want is possible with current tech. We too wish we could go back to childhood as we feel that it may let us heal mentally from the abuse from first time. One of our alters is kinda of permanently mentally stuck at ~8-15 or so depending on her mood, but she still carries all of the pain of our lifetime and all of our experiences up to this point. Childhood is a period of awe and newness. Everything is new and fascinating because it hasn't been experienced before. Knowledge being absorbed as fast as it can be processed. Emotional and other habits formed from observing others. One would have to be able to erase their memory without causing damage. Any method we ever came across that can cause memory loss, is either temporary, or causes permanent brain damage that essentially leaves one vegetative which is not at all a child-like state, just a horribly disabled one. We really wish there were currently a way to achieve what you desire, as deep down, we desire it to. Being able to at least mentally start over would potentially fix so many of our problems. Instead, that delicate alter of ours is stuck as the girl that never got to be. We want to not be aware of any of the problems of the world and be taken care of by a very loving and caring mommy. Even with these desires, we don't think we could go through with it if possible anyway. We already have spent our entire life being a burden and hate burdening anyone in any way whether it be mentally or financially. If we knew a way and knew it wouldn't be a burden, we wouldn't even hesitate.

"Blunt object against certain part of head" is within our current tech. and I'm sorry it's not going well for you,but I am my own person and therefore have different experiences and will have different experiences.

 

[_Broken_alice]

"Blunt object against certain part of head" is within our current tech. and I'm sorry it's not going well for you,but I am my own person and therefore have different experiences and will have different experiences.

Our concern is that brain damage won't create a childlike state. Just a disabled state that will likely absolutely destroy your personality in ways that cannot be explained. We suggest to read reports of the antiquated practice of frontal lobotomy... That is controlled brain damage and the people that go through it honestly aren't people anymore and should be offered a merciful exit from life. They come out of it completely devoid of personality or desires. Devoid of the ability to feel any emotional connection.. Causing that kind of damage would most likely leave you completely unable to enjoy anything. You'd just exist at best.

We don't say this to try to hurt you and we hope you can see that. Maybe something like DXM can give you temporary relief without causing undesirable damage as it inhibits thought quite a bit. Long term DXM usage will lead to some of the effects becoming permanent, notably a reduction in IQ and ability to think clearly. It will have lots of other effects though, and some react very poorly to it. That is the best thing we can think of and really isn't a great option either.

Some antidepressants we were on really ruined our ability to think or anything while on them. Sadly we can't remember which one that was. For us, it was so bad we asked to be voluntarily committed to get off of it. A year or so went by like days are supposed to and we haven't been the same since.

 

[divinemistress36]

What area of the brain do you think it would take to damage to become a kid again? This reminds me of what you said the other day @Sleeper System

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I'm having some trouble following this. You're already disabled and want to make yourself more disabled to achieve a childlike state of mind? I'm assuming by oxygen deprivation or head injuries? Am I correct? Listen. I'm as open minded a person as they come. I understand taking Big/Little roleplay as far as it can go, and if that prevents you from needing to CTB - go for it. Needing to CTB sucks. I know because I have no other option because of brain damage. That being said - brain damage ain't all it's cracked up to be. Do you ever wonder how a lobotomized person REALLY reels? It's not comfortably numb. Not at all. It's being in a state of constant dull fear without the ability to feel pleasure at all anymore. You won't be able to feel anything but this weird, dullness and abstract fear as you can't engage with anything anymore. I haven't had the full icepick up the nose, but that's where Schizophrenia and a lifetime of druggings have left me - chemically lobotomized. Brain damaged. It's not what you think. It's horrifying. It's the reason I have no other choice but to CTB.

And like another disabled person on here stated - not working and being on disability isn't all it's cracked up to be either. The US is Hell for disabled people. And heaven forbid you wind up disabled and entangled with the Psychiatric system....

If being a child in a roleplay sense makes you happy, by all means do it. You're not alone in that sense. Big/Little is a whole subculture onto itself. But please never think having brain damage is anything but horrifying. You don't know how it feels until you've felt it.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm having some trouble following this. You're already disabled and want to make yourself more disabled to achieve a childlike state of mind? I'm assuming by oxygen deprivation or head injuries? Am I correct? Listen. I'm as open minded a person as they come. I understand taking Big/Little roleplay as far as it can go, and if that prevents you from needing to CTB - go for it. Needing to CTB sucks. I know because I have no other option because of brain damage. That being said - brain damage ain't all it's cracked up to be. Do you ever wonder how a lobotomized person REALLY reels? It's not comfortably numb. Not at all. It's being in a state of constant dull fear without the ability to feel pleasure at all anymore. You won't be able to feel anything but this weird, dullness and abstract fear as you can't engage with anything anymore. I haven't had the full icepick up the nose, but that's where Schizophrenia and a lifetime of druggings have left me - chemically lobotomized. Brain damaged. It's not what you think. It's horrifying. It's the reason I have no other choice but to CTB.

And like another disabled person on here stated - not working and being on disability isn't all it's cracked up to be either. The US is Hell for disabled people. And heaven forbid you wind up disabled and entangled with the Psychiatric system....

If being a child in a roleplay sense makes you happy, by all means do it. You're not alone in that sense. Big/Little is a whole subculture onto itself. But please never think having brain damage is anything but horrifying. You don't know how it feels until you've felt it.

I have a brain injury and it's hell on earth I feel the same way

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Our concern is that brain damage won't create a childlike state. Just a disabled state that will likely absolutely destroy your personality in ways that cannot be explained. We suggest to read reports of the antiquated practice of frontal lobotomy... That is controlled brain damage and the people that go through it honestly aren't people anymore and should be offered a merciful exit from life. They come out of it completely devoid of personality or desires. Devoid of the ability to feel any emotional connection.. Causing that kind of damage would most likely leave you completely unable to enjoy anything. You'd just exist at best.

We don't say this to try to hurt you and we hope you can see that. Maybe something like DXM can give you temporary relief without causing undesirable damage as it inhibits thought quite a bit. Long term DXM usage will lead to some of the effects becoming permanent, notably a reduction in IQ and ability to think clearly. It will have lots of other effects though, and some react very poorly to it. That is the best thing we can think of and really isn't a great option either.

Some antidepressants we were on really ruined our ability to think or anything while on them. Sadly we can't remember which one that was. For us, it was so bad we asked to be voluntarily committed to get off of it. A year or so went by like days are supposed to and we haven't been the same since.

Admittedly before I decided on being a child and before I got my girlfriend I was hoping to get a lobotomy. Sure there's no enjoyment but there's no sadness either. Can't emotionally suffer if there's no sadness. Honestly maybe DXM is what I need. Just gotta find a way to get some.

What area of the brain do you think it would take to damage to become a kid again? This reminds me of what you said the other day @Sleeper System

Idk, that's what I wanna figure out.

I'm having some trouble following this. You're already disabled and want to make yourself more disabled to achieve a childlike state of mind?

yes

I'm assuming by oxygen deprivation or head injuries? Am I correct?

Moreso any means necessary.

Listen. I'm as open minded a person as they come. I understand taking Big/Little roleplay as far as it can go, and if that prevents you from needing to CTB - go for it. Needing to CTB sucks. I know because I have no other option because of brain damage. That being said - brain damage ain't all it's cracked up to be. Do you ever wonder how a lobotomized person REALLY reels? It's not comfortably numb. Not at all. It's being in a state of constant dull fear without the ability to feel pleasure at all anymore.

I'm not looking for a lobotomy, I'm looking for a childlike state.

You won't be able to feel anything but this weird, dullness and abstract fear as you can't engage with anything anymore. I haven't had the full icepick up the nose, but that's where Schizophrenia and a lifetime of druggings have left me - chemically lobotomized. Brain damaged. It's not what you think. It's horrifying. It's the reason I have no other choice but to CTB.

And like another disabled person on here stated - not working and being on disability isn't all it's cracked up to be either. The US is Hell for disabled people. And heaven forbid you wind up disabled and entangled with the Psychiatric system....

Then it's as simple as not getting caught.

If being a child in a roleplay sense makes you happy, by all means do it. You're not alone in that sense. Big/Little is a whole subculture onto itself. But please never think having brain damage is anything but horrifying. You don't know how it feels until you've felt it.

The problem is that the roleplay isn't working anymore. It's not immersive to me, I need more.

 

[Sleeper System]

1- I am outspoken and don't suffer fools so I won't pretend to partially agree with you or give you the benefit of doubt. You are free to believe what you want but those of us with intelligence won't diminish ourselves just to coddle you.

2- There is absolutely no clinically exact or accessible method to achieve your goal so the entire conversation is moot. There isn't some magical equation that will render you partially brain damaged to the point where you can control how "damaged" you end up. That's nonsense.

3- You don't care about your significant other literally at all if you think making yourself damaged is in any way a coherent compromise to CTB. There's a saying about how living for someone is harder than dying for someone. You would have her live their life in forced service to you? And yes it would be forced because it's against her will regardless if her love for you compels her to do it anyway.

4- I dont like human nature much. Things like this are a cold reminder of why we are all garbage and should die sooner rather than later.

5- Sorry no one is agreeing with you or disagreeing with you strongly enough. Too many soft spoken folks. I understand your REAL problem and with THAT...
you have my sympathy and I hope you can get over that huge hurdle.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I'm not looking for a lobotomy, I'm looking for a childlike state.

That's just the thing though - you may not want a lobotomy, but that's the result you're going to get. You can't 'tailor' brain damage to a precise result you want. Hell, I wish you could. Psychiatric medicine would probably actually work if you could do that. But all you're going to get in the end is that abstract fear and numbness and inability to feel pleasure I described before.

I understand where you're coming from though. You want a 'restore point' with your brain similar to a computer. You want to return to the time before all the pain started. Consider Big/Little roleplay since you have a supporting partner. You'd be surprised by what just 'getting into the role' will do for you. When you're with your partner you can dress like a child, act like a child, play with toys...

But give yourself brain damage - I'm telling you you won't be able to enjoy those toys. Or your partner. That's what extreme mental dulling is like. You're very lucky to have a partner who supports you and is willing to take care of you. Also the ability to work is something that shouldn't be taken for granted either. I'll never assume anything about another person on this forum or their situation, but I just get the feeling you have certain options. Brain damage will only limit those options. I'm not here because I want to be, I'm here because I've been brain damaged to the point where CTB is my only option and it SUCKS. Don't throw away your options if you have them.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

I am outspoken and don't suffer fools so I won't pretend to partially agree with you or give you the benefit of doubt. You are free to believe what you want but those of us with intelligence won't diminish ourselves just to coddle you.

I'm not asking for "agreement", I'm asking for a solution.

There is absolutely no clinically exact or accessible method to achieve your goal so the entire conversation is moot. There isn't some magical equation that will render you partially brain damaged to the point where you can control how "damaged" you end up. That's nonsense.

I'm sure there must be. People have unwillingly entered childlike states before so idk why I can't do it willingly.

You don't care about your significant other literally at all if you think making yourself damaged is in any way a coherent compromise to CTB.

I've stated multiple times that she said she's okay with it.

There's a saying about how living for someone is harder than dying for someone. You would have her live their life in forced service to you? And yes it would be forced because it's against her will regardless if her love for you compels her to do it anyway.

It's not forced if she literally says "I'll do it".

Just CTB. Stop pretending you care.

Why is it when I tell someone to CTB I get warned but when someone else does it they're fine? I feel like the mods have a grudge against me ever since the first thread I made

That's just the thing though - you may not want a lobotomy, but that's the result you're going to get. You can't 'tailor' brain damage to a precise result you want.

Surely there has to be a way.

Hell, I wish you could. Psychiatric medicine would probably actually work if you could do that. But all you're going to get in the end is that abstract fear and numbness and inability to feel pleasure I described before.

Then I just need to find balance

I understand where you're coming from though. You want a 'restore point' with your brain similar to a computer.

I guess?

You want to return to the time before all the pain started. Consider Big/Little roleplay since you have a supporting partner. You'd be surprised by what just 'getting into the role' will do for you. When you're with your partner you can dress like a child, act like a child, play with toys...

I already do all those things. I feel nothing. Plus there's still the adult responsibilities that I don't have the mental strength to deal with after the fact. I don't want that.

But give yourself brain damage

You can't exactly tell me to do something idk how to do without telling me how to do it.

I'm telling you you won't be able to enjoy those toys. Or your partner. That's what extreme mental dulling is like. You're very lucky to have a partner who supports you and is willing to take care of you. Also the ability to work is something that shouldn't be taken for granted either. I'll never assume anything about another person on this forum or their situation, but I just get the feeling you have certain options.

I really don't. Out of all the people I've emailed for an interview, only one has gotten back to me. After that if it fails everything is hopeless. Plus there's the mental headache that is the "autism services" that my parents forced me to sign up for that only added more headache to everything instead of just keeping everything streamlined like intended.

Brain damage will only limit those options.

It will also take the problems away.