For some odd reason, I'm scared of what happens when I die. I mean, I have died before, and it felt like nothing, but for some reason, now I'm scared? I'm worried it might be worse pain then it is here on earth? It daunting and I don't know how to overcome it.
I just think about my mom, and my cat. I could talk so much about my cat. My friends, I don't really worry about. I briefly asked my best friend if she would attend my funeral, and she said she would, and then my other friend said she wouldn't be mad and would help support my mom after I die. My mom and I have also had the conversation about how she wouldn't be mad if I died, and she would know I fought until I couldn't. These are gut-wrenching conversations to have, but ultimately, if you have attempted suicide upwards of 10 times like me, then people become worried naturally.
I've attempted so many times in so many ways, and nothing has worked so far except that one time I did die, but was found before it was permanent.
What method should I try next? SN is easy to get but seems a little unreliable, as I have seen multiple people report their failed attempts. I've tried hanging multiple times but have always been found too early, and I'm getting worried about brain damage. I've tried OD's, some of which have been pathetic and others leading to literal death. I've tried not eating and drinking, and the only thing that landed me was permanent heart problems and a long hospital admission. What else have a tried.... oh cutting my arm open, uhmm... I don't even know to be honest but its been alot in more than one way.
I'm really leaning towards jumping in front of the train, its really close to my house and I can literally walk there. My other option is SN from amazon to CTB but I read on here that there was a person who took SN and they fell and their dad heard them and they remembered looking at their fingers and they were blue. I'm worried if I saw my fingers blue I'd panic and call for help. Hanging is also desirable but I don't want to do it at home because I don't want my mom to find me.
Does anyone have any ideas?
I just think about my mom, and my cat. I could talk so much about my cat. My friends, I don't really worry about. I briefly asked my best friend if she would attend my funeral, and she said she would, and then my other friend said she wouldn't be mad and would help support my mom after I die. My mom and I have also had the conversation about how she wouldn't be mad if I died, and she would know I fought until I couldn't. These are gut-wrenching conversations to have, but ultimately, if you have attempted suicide upwards of 10 times like me, then people become worried naturally.
I've attempted so many times in so many ways, and nothing has worked so far except that one time I did die, but was found before it was permanent.
What method should I try next? SN is easy to get but seems a little unreliable, as I have seen multiple people report their failed attempts. I've tried hanging multiple times but have always been found too early, and I'm getting worried about brain damage. I've tried OD's, some of which have been pathetic and others leading to literal death. I've tried not eating and drinking, and the only thing that landed me was permanent heart problems and a long hospital admission. What else have a tried.... oh cutting my arm open, uhmm... I don't even know to be honest but its been alot in more than one way.
I'm really leaning towards jumping in front of the train, its really close to my house and I can literally walk there. My other option is SN from amazon to CTB but I read on here that there was a person who took SN and they fell and their dad heard them and they remembered looking at their fingers and they were blue. I'm worried if I saw my fingers blue I'd panic and call for help. Hanging is also desirable but I don't want to do it at home because I don't want my mom to find me.
Does anyone have any ideas?
