If you found the love of your life would you still want to ctb?

[stargazer]

Reading up on Jessica Starr, the meteorologist from Detroit, who hanged herself last week. I know this is true. She had a husband and 2 kids but decided to CTB because of the suffering she had to endure from a botched Lasik eye surgery

It makes you wonder, just a little morbidly...did she really love the kids/husband? Or is such a push only what any human needs to be able to just think, f it, I'll end it? Speaks about human nature I think. Sounds like before her life was okay, normal.
What I'm saying is something bigger, that deep down I tend to think now at my age...all humans are naturally selfish. Self-survival programming and what not...thoughts anyone? No bullying/arguments please. Just, thoughts?

 

[Nem]

I don't know. The reason I'm here is I had a controlling ex that I should've left long before any serious shit happened. I honestly dont know but I do know I regret meeting my ex af. If a person can come along and pull you away from ctb there's a chance your situation wasn't too bad in the first place, perhaps.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I am pretty sad that I can't really feel love. I don't know if it's because I've always been depressed, or because of my severe dissociation, or if I have a personality disorder. Maybe all three.

Basically when I'm in a relationship it feels like I'm faking it. That's not to say I am indifferent or uncaring, but I have never experienced that kind of crazy, all-encompassing love you often hear about. Does that even exist, or is it just infatuation/lust? I don't know. I just know that everything I've been involved in has always become a kind of brother/sister or roommate type relationship. I have to force myself to kiss or have sex.

The closest I came to feeling major "love" was with my first serious girlfriend at 18. She stomped all over my heart and I felt kind of blah about every romantic relationship thereafter.

Based on that, I'm guessing I wouldn't be able to know or feel the love of my life. So the answer would be yes.

 

[[NoName]]

Just curious. I sometimes wonder what would happen if that happened if I would be more or less depressed. Most attractive women my age though are taken. How do you feel about it?

I'm in love with the man I'm with. Still want to end it all at times.

 

[Kitsunefox]

Yes

 

[Trinity]

Other people can't make me happy. It doesn't matter how much someone else loves me, or how much I love them, I will still hate myself. I've been with some wonderful people who deserve way better than me, but it didn't cure me and I don't think anything could. I honestly just feel sorry for everyone I've ever dated anyway.

 

[Empty Smile]

I'm looking to join the love of my life. It will be soon.

 

[Help_Me]

Well, here I am. The one who found love of his life. Yes, I've a deep strong feelings to her and yet she is one of a few reasons for me to ctb. I wish we both would be normal, like others.. I wish we could live together and start our own family. I can't handle living a single day if she's gone. I have the same kind of unbearable affection like @Metavoid had (rest at peace). That's why I absolutely felt her pain, cause I can't get rid of my own affection and the only way to end it is to ctb. Ofc I could try more and more and even more, but I am just tired. I can either suffer for 5-10 more years , or ctb and finally be free. No turning back option..

 

[ganpres37]

Just curious. I sometimes wonder what would happen if that happened if I would be more or less depressed. Most attractive women my age though are taken. How do you feel about it?

i have the love of my life. and i still want to ctb. no idea why.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I think the love of my life has either never been born or has died already. It's highly unlikely I'll meet him at this point. I suspect that even if I did, I'd still want to CTB. You can't rely on another person to feel happiness.

 

[daikon]

Romantic love has always been what kept me going. Meeting my first girlfriend got rid of my suicidal thoughts, my best friend who I later became infatuated with helped me through another stint, and my last boyfriend made me feel like life was bearable, though not inherently worth living. Now that he's gone, I see how pointless it all is.

That being said, if I met someone who could sweep me off my feet like he did, I think I'd stay around. It's the loneliness that really gnaws at me -- if I had someone to lie next to at night, someone to have sex with the thoughts got to be too bad, and someone who could listen to me ramble on about how much I still love my last boyfriend, I think I could manage. All I live for is friends and sex, and if I could have both all the time, I could probably keep myself distracted until I die -- too bad I'm broken and unlovable now

 

[Redt2go]

No but I've already found and lost them so I'm gtg

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

If that ever happens honestly I don't know I still think about CTB although I don't have a partner anymore because he decided to change his mind for his kid and for me more or less for family and friends sure if I had it my way I would just kill myself but I tried my first suicide attempt and don't think I can ever do it again on my own or CTB I am still suicidal from time to time I would prefer death if it was painless and peaceful or from a shotgun blast to the back of the skull.

 

[GlowingCactus]

Yes I'd still want to ctb. I am too sick to do 90% of what I'd like to do so I don't want to have a girlfriend as I wouldn't be able to properly take care of her. It would be a totally selfish relationship and I'm not that kind of person.

 

[Firecaste]

Death is now the love of my life, gonna give him a handjob.

 

[wanttodie]

no I'd still end my life

 

[Psilo]

Finding the love of my life? That would mean I have to go out and socialize... Kidding me right?...yuck... No thanks.

 

[21Neberg]

I actually got dumped today. I really just want to die as much as I did yesterday, but now with a broken heart.

 

[Redt2go]

I actually got dumped today. I really just want to die as much as I did yesterday, but now with a broken heart.

Sorry :(

 

[Floraknife]

Found the love of my life, but I feel like she's goes day to day with me. She wishes she had better, wants better, so I'll give her better one way or the other. Doesn't matter if I found the love of my life, I hate myself too much to receive love, and I be wasting her time and energy.

I'm tired of hurting people I love. Continue to live and hurt her over and over through dumb mistakes that I can or cannot control. Or CTB now, and save her a lifetime of pain and hurt because she can find someone new again that'll treat her right.

I know this feeling all too well. God, all of this, exactly. Ow.

 

[Othermind]

I don't think I deserve anyone's love, so yes.
And even then I wouldn't want to subject another person to all my personal issues so it's still a pass.

 

[Floraknife]

I found mine... cliche, but in every way we fit together like a puzzle. At first, when I was still had a bit of my innocence left and thought I could and was getting "better" (self-healing), we were stupidly, disgustingly happy together. Just in this state of bliss that still, if I'm being honest, we both feel everytime we talk to one another and we've been engaged for 7 months.

But over time I realized I couldn't make the inner work I was doing stick, I was miserable when he wasn't around, I still didn't love myself and no matter how hard I've tried to, it all boils down to the fact that I just don't have any fight left in me. Burned it out a long time ago. I'm an echo of myself, and I know he'll be devastated when I leave but it's better than me fighting myself for 30 years and ctb when we're old with kids and a more stable life. My heart is broken but least this way he has a chance of being happy again.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Probably not, but I'm not looking to fall in love again. Although it's one of the most beautiful things I've felt in my life, it's too painful. Better stay away from that.

 

[21Neberg]

Sorry :(

Thanks. At least I can cut myself whenever and wherever I want now. Fucking kill me.

 

[dustyermine]

Yes, because the problems in my life aren't really changed or impacted by not being in love or anything. I would still be mentally ill, still be living with my shitty parents, still feel like I have no future in the major I'm in.

 

[Othermind]

Thanks. At least I can cut myself whenever and wherever I want now. Fucking kill me.

I'm not gonna preach to you and tell you not to do it because I self-harm ,too, just try not to cut so deep that you're gonna need stitches. A stunt like that almost landed me in the looney bin last month.

 

[21Neberg]

I'm not gonna preach to you and tell you not to do it because I'm a self harmer,too , just try not to cut so deep that you're gonna need stitches. A stunt like that almost landed me in the looney bin last month.

Thank you for reminding me. I'm glad you didn't get locked up last month, happy slicing friend

 

[Othermind]

Thank you for reminding me. I'm glad you didn't get locked up last month, happy slicing friend

Only by the skin of my teeth.
They called in a psychiatrist who was adamant about admitting me, I told her I did not consent over and over until she hinted at the fact that they could just lock me up if they thought I might be a danger to myself. At which point I said I would raise hell if they tried to and threatened to write an open letter to a local newspaper telling them I had been treated like shit and kept there against my will. They let me go after that.
I was sweating bullets at the time, but it kid of makes for a fun story. I still read the report they gave me for a laugh every once in a while.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Only by the skin of my teeth.
They called in a psychiatrist who was adamant about admitting me, I told her I did not consent over and over until she hinted at the fact that they could just lock me up if they thought I might be a danger to myself. At which point I said I would raise hell if they tried to and threatened to write an open letter to a local newspaper telling them I had been treated like shit and kept there against my will. They let me go after that.
I was sweating bullets at the time, but it kid of makes for a fun story. I still read the report they gave me for a laugh every once in a while.

That's a great story. It's the type of thing I would fantasise about telling someone, but when the time comes, I become a mole.

 

[Othermind]

That's a great story. It's the type of thing I would fantasise about telling someone, but when the time comes, I become a mole.

I'm usually like that, too. I was just desperate that time.